Name: Bill Burr - Glazed Donuts / Advertising
Uploaded: 2016-05-13T13:00:43.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Glazed Donuts / Advertising' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-05-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Glazed Donuts / Advertising' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-05-13. Transcript available.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon,
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you.
I'm just checking in on you, seeing how your week's going. That's all I'm doing
here, just running my fucking freckled yap for another 30 minutes of my goddamn
life.
And you know what? You're going to sit there and listen to it, unless you don't
want to.
Then you can always hit stop. You can find another website, you know, watch
some porn at work, pretend you're working.
Put your right or left hand in your slacks, your action slacks, you know, rub
one out.
Tell people later you got to lay off the glazed donuts. Oh, come on, Bill. That
early in. Jesus Christ.
You go with the jizz joke that fucking early in. This just does not show a lot
of promise. That was in under a minute, the first jizz joke.
You know what I mean? That's like when you watch one of, you know, quickest
knockouts, you know, and you're looking at the other guy like, why the fuck did
you even show up?
You know, I could have done that. I could have gone in there with no fucking
training whatsoever, whatsoever, and I could have got my fucking ass knocked
out in less than a minute, you know, although I wouldn't have the balls to then
go try to figure out what I did wrong and then come back to potentially have it
again.
And that's what separates the audience member from the professional fighter
that gets knocked out in a minute.
You know, whenever you see that, there's always that guy, dude, I could have
fucking done that.
Really? You could have gotten top physical condition, you tub of shit.
Fucking sitting there. Who eats fried dough at a boxing match? I didn't even
know they sell it.
I didn't even know they sold that shit at a boxing match, you fat fuck.
Where'd you find that, huh?
He's like some fucking food whale.
You know, like when the degenerate gamblers show up and they get flown in and
they get this giant suite, they're like, oh, fucking Bally's, you know, they
roll out the red carpet.
Fuckhead, you already paid for it.
They're looking for you to buy another jet, you know?
They probably do that with people who are really fat, you know what I mean,
when they show up.
Hey, just to let you know, Fat Frank's showing up and he's going to the boxing
match.
So let's bring in some extra chefs and add to the menu.
Who gives a fuck if no one else eats fried dough?
This guy will eat enough fried dough to justify it, you know?
No? All right, whatever.
I've got to just joke I'm making fun of fat people.
This isn't good.
Oh, this is what you're probably thinking.
Jeez, Bill, your energy's a little bit high for a Thursday afternoon.
Or maybe you're not thinking that.
Maybe I'm saying you're thinking that and I'm getting in your fucking head,
right?
The way advertisers feel that they do.
If they show one every five seconds rather than just getting annoyed on the
internet, you're going to be like, oh, you know what?
I think I will fucking...
I never watch them, which is really hypocritical because I have advertising on
this podcast.
But you guys also have the option of just fast-forwarding it, you know?
Just still a pain in the...
That's what I like about YouTube.
It's like, you must watch this.
So what I always do is I hit fucking mute and then I just scroll down and I
read some of the comments.
And I just, just at the top of the screen, I can see that thing sliding across.
And then I know it's fucking over.
You know why?
Because about 20 years ago, I was in a bar and this woman was in advertising
that I met.
And she kept telling me that it works.
I'm going to go, yeah, it doesn't work.
Sometimes it annoys me and it makes...
She goes, no, but it's in there.
It works.
It totally works.
She just kept saying, no, it works.
It's just like...
And I was so young and dumb.
It's like, Bill, this is the industry she's in.
Okay?
Why don't you just go tell somebody that their religion is wrong?
You know?
Of course she's going to defend it.
What's she going to do?
Say, yeah, it doesn't work.
And then she's going to go to work in the morning.
But I was younger, you know?
Full head of fucking orange, red hair.
Doing my best.
Talking to the ladies down on Newbury Street, right?
What do you say there?
Fucking all black dressed there?
Fucking goth looking chick?
That's all I remember from back then.
All those fucking goth looking chicks just fucking walking around down on Newbury
Street.
They're Doc Martens and all that shit.
You go over to Daisy Buchanan's.
That was the meat market, right?
That was the chicks that went to the gym.
Unlike the goth ones that were on Newbury Street, they were all fucking sad.
You know?
Taking the weight of the world on their shoulders.
Those whores in Daisy Buchanan's, they didn't give a fuck.
They still don't give a fuck.
You know what I mean?
Fucking starfish tattooed above their butt crack.
Just walking around.
They didn't give a fuck.
I walk in there with my fucking waist-length leather jacket, my driving gloves.
Little did they know I stepped out of an 83 Ford fucking rager.
Two-wheel drive.
The extra-long bed.
Vinyl seats.
Five-speed.
Had a radio, but somebody smashed the window and took it.
Oh, yeah, ladies.
That's what you're fucking.
Your dream boat has arrived.
Reinfeld, like, white sneakers.
You know, the high tops coming in.
You know?
Dad jeans that were considered cool back then.
Maybe a sweatshirt that said Espiray or whatever the fuck.
A spirit.
I don't know.
It's a bad fucking image.
But it's a true one.