Name: Bill Burr - Advice: Grass Killin' Neighbor
Uploaded: 2016-05-17T14:25:38.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Grass Killin' Neighbor' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-05-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Grass Killin' Neighbor' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-05-17. Transcript available.

all right grass-killing neighbor all right uh fantasy revenge advice hello billiam
i'm a 23
year old male i live with my parents in the country that even australia makes
fun oh wow
that even australia makes fun of two from uh australians here uh oh new zealand
oh jesus i
live with my parents in a country that even australia makes fun of new zealand
i thought
he meant a part of a country i can't read people i love f's for family and can't
wait for season two
thank you so much please tell more people in new zealand about it if you haven't
already if he got
the time i'm not trying to put you out if you don't want to be that douche don't
be the douche but if
you do i'd appreciate it all right so here we go fantasy revenge advice some
time ago my father was
using a lawn trimmer on the right side of the front yard which is only a few
feet from our neighbor's
driveway while trimming the edges a small rock in the grass shot out and hit
our neighbor's park car
in the driveway our neighbor was already at the front of his house and either
saw or heard the bang
and started yelling at my dad who was apologetic the rock the rock put a small
dent in the car which
was hard to see even close up when i when i was told what happened my dad by my
dad i was a little
pissed that he yelled but i knew he had a right to be upset and although it was
an accident my dad would
happily pay for the damages because he knew he was at fault um our neighbor
didn't talk to us again
about a bill or anything so we quickly forgot about it and moved on a few weeks
later i was at the front
of our house and i saw that the right side of our lawn was completely dead a
foot inwards i realized this
fucking cunt had poisoned the area of the grass that would usually be cut using
the edge trimmer
wow this guy's got major communication issues so this incident would never
happen again despite my
despite my dad telling him that he would only mow the lawn when the driveway
was empty in the future
um i asked my dad if he knew anything and he told me he had known for a few
days but didn't want to
make a big deal about it my dad is a very easygoing guy who doesn't get
bothered much myself on the
other hand spent the night uh the next few nights fantasizing about revenge oh
it looks like you
take after your mother all right your dad's easy going he married a fucking uh
hot-blooded woman and
you know she calmed her down right and then you you you got her fucking dna all
right i like i like
where this is going so far even though i'm not a big revenge guy your dad's
easy going it's his house
already my gut saying your dad's easy going it's his fucking house you know um
don't do anything to
disrupt it um he said i thought about doing the exact same thing to his lawn
but spelling out the
words coward oh my god that's fucking hilarious i thought about pulling out all
of his plants and
dumping it on his car to send a message it's been a few months and i still get
pissed off when i think
about it but i decided not to stoop to his level and pull off a bitch move like
that the only option
would be to confront him but there is no scenario in which that would end well
why not um why not
why can't you just next time you see him just say like dude i gotta tell you
something i haven't been
on this planet for a long time so maybe i need to see more bitchy behavior but
that's the biggest
pussy bitch fucking i don't do that it's gonna i don't know i would just say
hey you have any idea
why this part of the lawn died isn't that amazing and i would do that to him
every fucking time just
do something to drive him nuts anyways because i've decided to do nothing and
moved on but it's been
about a year and i'm still thinking about it what would you have done am i
justified to be pissed
this pissed and how the fuck do i stop myself from letting it get me in such a
bad mood every time i
walk past our front lawn and see the dead strip of lawn thanks for listening
bill come back to new
zealand um your lawn is still dead look i'm not a big on revenge but the great
thing that you have
right now is you've waited a year um so if you were to do anything obviously
don't bring any physical
harm to the person um he does seem to love that car
it's just you why would you do it um why don't you guys read just replant the
fucking grass
that's what i would do i would replant the grass this is what you do replant
the grass
and get all excited and then without him knowing what you do is you set up a
fucking video camera
all right and you just videotape and you try to catch him doing it that's the
best way to do it
right and then he has to fucking pay for it and then pay for the previous thing
the previous time
he poisoned it like that's what i would do you know what i mean there's obvious
things that you could do
you could go to a fucking auto zone and buy one of those little catch trays
that captures oil
you know and then when the night you could undo his fucking
let all the oil out of his car unscrew the thing on the oil pan
and you screw it back up and then he seizes the engine on his car you can go
that route
you know there's no oil in the fucking car um
the key is what you have to do is
he would still figure it out see he can't do this is all bitchy fucking moves
you know what i mean you got to have a face-to-face thing or what i would do is
i would
just repaint replant the grass and i would set up a fucking video camera and
maybe just say that just
say hey just so you know if you plan on poisoning our grass because i know you're
not a man and you
would never say anything to my dad on myself's face you know just let you know
i got um there's
security you're going to be on video and we're going to catch you doing it okay
all right it cost us
a lot of money and i you're oh my god what if uh in a perfect world could you
just go over and just
fucking he just answers the door and you go huh and you just boot him right in
the nuts
huh you would then you just take a strip of the dead grass and you just start
fucking beating his
back with it that's what the you want to do i you know what i actually want to
do that right now
but you know what you can't do it you know what him he did it to you he did it
to you
oh dude you know something i think you're i think what you came up with is the
best
why don't you just write coward
not because then he's going to do something else to your dad's house
oh this guy's a cunt
you know what he doesn't have the balls to confront your dad so what i think
you do yeah do the little
coward thing and then set up video cameras and catch him doing something else
but then you've done
something to him see it's just it's just awful it's just this bitchy tit for
fucking tat thing i don't know what you have to do but i feel like something
has to be said at least
i know what you do this is what you do you go down to a lady's shoe store
all right and you buy a cheap pair of women's shoes
and next time you see you wrap it up like a present and you just give it to
and there's a card in there and everything and then you just this is what you
do you do that you just
humiliate the guy and you just open up and just say hey sweetheart just want to
get you you just right
from your heart about what a fucking bitch he is and this is what you do don't
ever don't curse in it
at all write it really nice and lovely um but you in that without ever cursing
just let him know what an
absolute fucking he is for doing that there you go oh that's i i think that you
know what i think that's
a winner you know what i might have to i might have to outsource this to my
listeners if you guys have
better ideas and what to do there nobody gets hurt you made your point it's
fucking hilarious and that's
a funny you know you tell people that this guy did it and they go so what'd you
do you tell them i went
out i went to a ladies shoe store and i bought him a pair of pumps and then you
get to laugh
and every time you see him just wave and just start calling him sweetheart give
him a pet name
maybe you give him a woman's name like diane or something just hey diane how'd
you like the shoes and
just every fucking day you can just do that forever i don't know it made me
feel better about the
situation maybe you can do that who the fuck knows anyways good luck with that
uh but don't do any
physical harm or real property that's the the brilliance i must say genius pat
myself on the back there
sorry about that um that's that's what i like about the last plant is that you're
not hurting him you write
it eloquently you're not cursing there's nothing he can really do you just
bought him a gift that you
give you give a woman it's perfect you know i'd send him some candy on valentine's
day just ah just
torture the guy but you just keep giving him gifts you know i don't know what
else what's some get him some flats
just i don't know just a bunch of like that i don't know who the knows maybe
you just do it once and
then that's it and then what you do and then right after that you replant the
grass and then you just
let him know that you know that he did it he's gonna be too much of a to try to
do it again
and um then you can tell your dad years later that that's don't tell your dad
that you did it and then
years later you tell him that you did it when you're having a pint you guys can
laugh your balls off