Name: Bill Burr - Dirty Socks / Waffle House
Uploaded: 2016-05-20T12:39:50.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Dirty Socks / Waffle House' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-05-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Dirty Socks / Waffle House' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-05-20. Transcript available.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon,
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you.
How's it going? As you can hopefully immediately tell, especially after I just
pushed that button, I didn't forget my recording equipment.
I'm having a problem with one of the cords. I can't tell if the cord got
stepped on and it's fucked up or the jack to my computer's messed up,
but I've learned in life to not force things because you just make a bad
situation a little worse.
So I'm just going to have to record this one like this, and maybe Monday
because I'm on the road right now.
I'm out here in Nashville, Tennessee. Nashville, Tennessee, home of the Grand
Ole Opry and that fucking river that overflows in the evil-looking building
downtown.
Other than that, wonderful people, great food and all that type of shit. I'm
out here for one day and one day only.
I know you guys probably think, well, what the fuck, Bill? You didn't advertise
it on your goddamn website. Are you doing a stand-up show?
What I'm doing is I'm doing a panel thing for F is for Family with the great
Mike Price, co-creator of the show from The Simpsons.
We're doing like a live thing where they show an episode and then we answer
some questions hosted by Russell Peters.
And it's going to be on XM Sirius. I don't know what channel, of course,
because I'm a moron, but that's basically what I'm doing here.
And then I go off to Calgary tomorrow morning. Calgary, Edmonton, and then
Seattle.
So, oh, do I got some stories for you. I hope these levels are okay. I did my
best with them.
This was my plane ride out to Nashville. So, we rode all day and then I took
the red eye out and the dude who sat next to me on the fucking plane, God bless
him.
But he's one of these guys, man. If he doesn't turn it around, he's not going
to see 50 because he was one of those guys who was abusing his body so bad.
When I go to guess his age, he was either like 26 to 28 or like 37. I couldn't
tell. But he looked as old as me.
He looked like if he was my age, you're like, dude, you got like another two
years because if you fucking did that to yourself for close to 48 years, you
would be done.
This fucking guy, man, holy shit. He put on a display.
All right. So, you know, it's late at night and take the red eye, like I said,
11 p.m.
And I got the aisle. He's got the window. Right.
And fortunately, my sciatica is almost but gone away.
And I've just been, you know, taking it easy and it's just sort of naturally
working itself out while doing all the stretches and all that shit.
So anyways, he's got the fucking window seat.
And I'm thinking I'm being smart. I did the aisle thing because, all right, if
I need to stretch, I can just step out into the aisle and I won't have to step
over anybody.
Because I fucked up last time I went to St. Louis.
I flew southwest and I wasn't thinking.
I just went to the window seat and then I was trapped, you know, on the other
side of two other people.
So this time I'm thinking I'm being smart.
But it turns out my back feels great.
And now all I want to do is go to sleep.
And this fucking guy, man, holy shit.
This guy was like crushing the fucking airport bar.
I don't know how many fucking Jack and Cokes this guy drank, but he just kept
going like the guy would he would just go, can I get another one?
And then the guy would bring it over and he'd be like, my dude, thank you.
Right.
Some reason he said my dude.
And then he would just be sucking these things down.
And he was one of these fucking guys that was so out of shape.
Like he snored while he was awake.
You know what I mean?
The noises this guy makes, right?
So after about, I don't know, like fucking five of these things, we're in the
flight.
I'm starting to nod off.
He fucking goes to step over me.
Mountain of a man goes to step over me, you know, which, of course, sort of
wakes me up.
And he goes into the bathroom and I notice he's wearing his socks.
Fucking animal.
This guy is like trying to kill himself from all sides.
You know what I mean?
Death comes from the mouth, but he's also trying to fucking speed it up.
Try to go into the express lane by bringing a little in through the fucking
pores of the
bottom of his feet.
People, it's not your fault that you weren't raised right, but you got to look
around in
life.
Okay?
You got to do the fucking math.
I almost think, what do you think is grosser?
To be in your bare feet or in your socks?
I know initially the bare feet is worse, but there's something about the socks
just
absorbing it.
And like, you know, the next day, if you put them on again, after you took a
shower, you
still got the fucking shit in because it's going into your feet no matter what.
One of the grossest things.
So the entire fucking flight, this guy is just pounding Jack and Cokes.
I mean, he had, he must've had like nine of them on like a, I don't know how
long that
flight is, like four fucking hours.
And I'm trying to sleep and I can't get to sleep because, you know, he's a big
guy.
He's a cool guy.
He was trying to step over.
You know, at one point I did that Vietnamese gambler squat and he's like, he
goes, what
are you doing?
You praying over there?
You all right?
And I said, no, I got a, I got a sciatic nerve issue.
And he goes, oh man, that sucks.
So I couldn't get mad at him because he was friendly.
But every time he went to step over me, he'd fucking wake me up.
And then I'd look and he'd be going into the bathroom, just wearing his socks.
And it just was driving me fucking nuts.
So finally, all I'm thinking is, oh my God, when this fucking mountain of a man
goes down,
like he is going to snore.
Like, uh, I mean, I've never had the displeasure of sleeping next to Terry Saragusa,
whatever
it's Tony Saragusa.
But I imagined he was going to sound like whatever that guy sounds like at like
two o'clock in
the fucking morning.
Right.
But it was the weirdest thing.
He was snoring while he was awake.
But when he was, when he went to sleep, he didn't make a fucking sound.
And, uh, oh, he kept dropping his fucking iPhone.
He had his shoes off and just the noises he was trying to make to try to pick
it up.
It's like, why the fuck would you do to that?
Do that to yourself.
These fucking people that treat their own bodies like a rental car.
I just don't understand it.
It's like, you can't return this fucking thing at the end of the weekend.
You got to keep, this is the vessel that's going to bring you around for your
fucking life.
You know, I mean, I should talk the way I fucking booze, but
you know, I still do my jumping jacks and I do a couple of cartwheels to keep
the stomach down,
you know?
So anyways, the flight fucking ends.
My travel is all fucked up for whatever reason.
And, um, I'm basically, by the time they booked my hotel, everything was sold
out.
So I had a hotel for the night, but I couldn't check in until three in the
afternoon.
So I go, you know, so they booked me at another hotel and the person, you know,
the travel person
goes, so you got to check in at this hotel, you know, at five 30 in the morning
and then
check out at 12 and then check in for the other places.
It is like at 3 PM.
It's like, is that cool?
And I'm like, no, it's not cool.
Like, do you ever travel?
Is that the way you set up your travel?
Do you want to switch hotels, you know, in the same fucking city you're staying?
But I mean, I don't have any choice, so it's going to have to be cool.
So I fucking take a cab over there.
I get to the place at like fucking five 30 in the morning.
This is like planes, trains, and automobiles, right?
I get there and they're like, uh, what's it under?
And I'm like, oh no.
I'm like, Bill Burr, they're like, yeah, I see you.
I'm like, William, eh, Rumpel fucking still, eh, we don't get it, right?
And the guy keeps going, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm like, well, I know it's not your fault.
So now it's like fucking five in the goddamn morning.
I got no place to stay.
And he goes, well, the bellhop can take you over to the fucking Waffle House,
right?
Sorry if I make mic noise here.
I got to move this laptop around because I want you to fucking hear this thing.
So I go, yeah, I'm sorry if, uh, you know, sorry about that.
So the fucking, so now it's like fucking 5.20 in the morning.
I got no place to stay till three in the afternoon.
I'm fucking dead tired.
I couldn't sleep because old Fatty Cakes over there was drinking the fucking
Jack and Cokes
all night, stepping over on me with his fucking piss and shit infested soaked
socks.
And now they don't have a room for me.
And now I'm going to a Waffle House, right?
So I get to the fucking Waffle House, you know, at fucking quarter to six in
the morning,
half expecting to see Jay-Z finishing the end of that song, you know, that old
fucking
thing, go to the Waffle House, then we're going to do it again or however the
fuck it is.
Well, I guess he'd be walking out with her, right?
To bang her and then kick her out at seven while Beyonce sings lemonade in the
background.
I don't know what the fuck it is that those two do.
I don't pretend to know.
I'm an old man.
Anyways, so I walk in there.
A bunch of fucking characters and I'm bleary-eyed.
I'm not even fucking hungry, but I know I can't just sit in there like some
sort of vagrant.
So there are some eggs and a fucking waffle and I'm sitting there and there's
this black
guy in there wearing a suit.
And he's like an anomaly.
I don't know how to, he's a black guy, but he isn't funny.
It's very rare.
It's like an obese agent.
It's very rare that you see, like obesity, you know, they, I don't know what
food they eat
over an agent, but I mean, whatever they're doing, they're doing it right.
It's all the vegetables and the stir fries.
Because there's people in phenomenal shape.
And who's kidding who, right?
It's very rare you meet a black guy who isn't funny.
And this fucking guy is not funny and he won't shut the fuck up.
He keeps telling jokes and he's laughing at his own fucking jokes.
And I just want to, I want to stab myself with my fucking waffle house fucking
fork.
So at one point he just won't shut up.
And then finally one of the waitresses makes a joke on the other waitress.
The other waitress goes, you know, don't be walking up behind me.
You know, you don't want to, you know, you don't want to basically fuck with me.
And then the lady goes, ah, no, she goes, I don't fight pregnant women.
And she wasn't pregnant.
Okay.
But admittedly, it was a decent joke.
The unfunny black dude in the suit, you know, high pitch lap, stands up, runs
out of the waffle
house, goes out to the front and does like a fucking 360 turn.
And immediately the fucking, you know, the road weary comedian in me going like,
all right,
dude, it was funny.
It wasn't that fucking funny.
And he comes back in and then I don't, I mean, I don't know what the fuck to do.
I'm like, what the fuck am I going to do with myself?
I can't go to sleep.
My phone's running out of batteries.
I'm charging it there.
It was just a fucking nightmare.
So, uh, I just start calling hotels.
They're all fucking booked up.
I don't know what's going on here in Nashville.
If there's some sort of fucking banjo festival, I have no fucking idea, but
there's no way
some Jesus shit, you know, or some, you know, democratic or Republican
convention.
I have no fucking idea, but I cannot get a room.
So, you know, I'm like, what do I do?
So I called in the Opie and Jimmy show.
I talked to them for a minute and then I was just like, what am I doing?
So I finally called the cab and I just went over to the hotel that I was
supposed to be
at.
And they were like, and they were like, oh yeah, you know, somebody called,
said, you,
you know, fucking last night, if we could get you in, unfortunately we cannot,
blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah.
So I at least checked my bags.
You know, I felt like a fucking homeless person when I was in the Waffle House.
With the unfunny black dude.
And I had my fucking bags on the inside of myself as I sat in the booth made
for two fucking
people, but I was sitting there by myself.
Right.
So I get to the hotel.
I at least checked in my bags and they had a fucking like a couch in the lobby
of this
place.
They go, we're already cleaning a room.
And at this point it's six 30 in the morning.
And I'm like, great.
Whenever you can get me in, if I got to pay extra, I just don't give a shit.
Right.
So they say, fine.
So I go over and I just lay down on the couch, put my hat over my eyes and I
just pass out.
I'm talking like, I wasn't even trying to be a gentleman.
I had both feet up on the fucking couch.
I was like, this is my bed.
And I'm just sleeping there.
And I just keep hearing people as they're getting, waking up, getting on with
their day.
Like, you want to get some smooth?
Oh, I hear they have such great eggs and all this shit.
And then at one point, this guy walked by, you know, those fucking assholes who
whistle.
Fucking, you know, I think I tweeted.
Nobody likes a whistler at some point.
This fucking guy just came by whistling.
You know, just it's just some random song.
It's not even it's not even a fucking song.
He's just whistling because that's what the fuck he does.
And then I just completely I was just zonked out.
And then all of a sudden I just feel somebody pushing me once, twice.
And I fucking wake up and then they go, hey, Mr. Burr, your room's ready.
I'm like thinking, oh, thank God.
I thought it was like 730 in the morning.
I looked.
It was like 1015.
I've been sleeping there like a bum for like four hours.
So I finally ended up getting my fucking room.
And fortunately, it was one of these rooms that has the great curtains.
I was able to close them and it felt like midnight.
And then I just fucking crashed, woke up, met some friends that I've met along
the way
on the road and took a drum lesson.
I hate dropping names on this, but like they're one of my favorite bands out
there right now.
Mute Math is based out of here.
And I got some lunch and Darren King actually gave me a little drum lesson.
I still stink, but it was fucking like I was beyond geeking out that I got to
do it.
So it was a bad day and I actually ended up turning it around.
And I'll tell you what's funny is if you notice in the story, I never flipped
up.
Bear with me.
Watch your ears.
I got to click and drag this thing over.
Just hang on a second.
I apologize.
Here we go.
Here we go.
It's almost over and it's over.
I just realized I have no idea how much time I'm doing here.
The fuck does this mean here?
447?
448.
448 what?
Millimeters?
Is this the metric system?
Where the fuck's the timer?
How do I tell how much time I'm doing?
All right.
You're just going to have to fucking deal with this.
I apologize.
Anyways, I got this weird thing.
When like major shit happens, like I don't, um, I don't flip out like bigger
shit like this.
I don't flip out.
Little shit bugs me.
Like 20 minutes ago, I'm going down in the elevator and we just hit every
fucking floor.
And every fucking floor is another person coming on, a fucking full grown adult
wearing their name, a name tag around their neck.
Like it's their first day of preschool.
Like it's their first day of preschool and everybody knows everybody.
Hey, Carl, like the shorts.
You wearing those to the meeting?
You're crazy.
Right?
Down one more floor.
Every fucking floor.
It's getting more and more packed.
And then I have to sit there and listen to office humor.
Right?
I'll tell you right now.
If you think every once in a while, a random black dude in a suit in a waffle
house isn't funny.
Wait till you're in a crowded elevator with a bunch of people that sit in cubicles
all day.
They have their fucking name tags around their necks.
Listening to their jokes for eight fucking floors that I like I was by the time
I got to the third floor, I was fucking livid.
I was so fucking angry that the people around me could sense it that when I
went to get off the elevator, even women got out of the way.
So I'm not proud of that, but you would think I would have flipped out at the
big dude stepping over me or I would have thought this anyway.
So I would have flipped out when my room wasn't ready.
I would have flipped out, you know, even when I sent the text message to my
travel person.
I didn't curse.
I didn't say that they fucked it up.
I know somebody fucked it up, but I've learned in the past to not just slice
the head off of the first person.
I just went very like, you know, I don't know what happened, but this is not
acceptable.
People knew I was coming here for two months.
I don't understand.
I've never had this problem before.
This can't happen again.
I'm now on my way to a Waffle House at 521 in the morning with all of my bags.
And I just, you know, what else do you need to fucking say?
Right.
So anyways, it all ended up working out and I got some great food out here and
I ended up running into one of the cast members of Nashville, which is my wife's
favorite fucking show.
Unfortunately, it just got canceled and I ran into the guy, Charles Eston, and
he was the coolest fucking guy ever.
I was like, oh my God, my wife loves your show.
Is there any way I could get a picture?
And he goes, no, put it on video.
He goes, watch this.
He goes, you do the intro.
He was so fucking cool.
So I just was like, hey, Nia, I'm in Nashville.
I ran into one of the locals and then it turns and it's his face and he just
goes, hey, Nia, thanks for watching the show.
She freaked out and I got some good points.
So thank you to Charles for making my fucking, making my married life a little
easier.
So, so there you go.
I don't know how much time that took up.
According to GarageBand, I'm at 540 something.
540 fucking of these.
Oh, are they counting the little things?
What is that?
540 seconds?
Am I really supposed to do that math?
Have I, have I not done 10 minutes yet?
600 seconds is 10 minutes.
Oh, Jesus.
I don't even know what I'm talking about at this point.

Bill Burr - Dirty Socks / Waffle House

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon,
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you.
How's it going? As you can hopefully immediately tell, especially after I just
pushed that button, I didn't forget my recording equipment.
I'm having a problem with one of the cords. I can't tell if the cord got
stepped on and it's fucked up or the jack to my computer's messed up,
but I've learned in life to not force things because you just make a bad
situation a little worse.
So I'm just going to have to record this one like this, and maybe Monday
because I'm on the road right now.
I'm out here in Nashville, Tennessee. Nashville, Tennessee, home of the Grand
Ole Opry and that fucking river that overflows in the evil-looking building
downtown.
Other than that, wonderful people, great food and all that type of shit. I'm
out here for one day and one day only.
I know you guys probably think, well, what the fuck, Bill? You didn't advertise
it on your goddamn website. Are you doing a stand-up show?
What I'm doing is I'm doing a panel thing for F is for Family with the great
Mike Price, co-creator of the show from The Simpsons.
We're doing like a live thing where they show an episode and then we answer
some questions hosted by Russell Peters.
And it's going to be on XM Sirius. I don't know what channel, of course,
because I'm a moron, but that's basically what I'm doing here.
And then I go off to Calgary tomorrow morning. Calgary, Edmonton, and then
Seattle.
So, oh, do I got some stories for you. I hope these levels are okay. I did my
best with them.
This was my plane ride out to Nashville. So, we rode all day and then I took
the red eye out and the dude who sat next to me on the fucking plane, God bless
him.
But he's one of these guys, man. If he doesn't turn it around, he's not going
to see 50 because he was one of those guys who was abusing his body so bad.
When I go to guess his age, he was either like 26 to 28 or like 37. I couldn't
tell. But he looked as old as me.
He looked like if he was my age, you're like, dude, you got like another two
years because if you fucking did that to yourself for close to 48 years, you
would be done.
This fucking guy, man, holy shit. He put on a display.
All right. So, you know, it's late at night and take the red eye, like I said,
11 p.m.
And I got the aisle. He's got the window. Right.
And fortunately, my sciatica is almost but gone away.
And I've just been, you know, taking it easy and it's just sort of naturally
working itself out while doing all the stretches and all that shit.
So anyways, he's got the fucking window seat.
And I'm thinking I'm being smart. I did the aisle thing because, all right, if
I need to stretch, I can just step out into the aisle and I won't have to step
over anybody.
Because I fucked up last time I went to St. Louis.
I flew southwest and I wasn't thinking.
I just went to the window seat and then I was trapped, you know, on the other
side of two other people.
So this time I'm thinking I'm being smart.
But it turns out my back feels great.
And now all I want to do is go to sleep.
And this fucking guy, man, holy shit.
This guy was like crushing the fucking airport bar.
I don't know how many fucking Jack and Cokes this guy drank, but he just kept
going like the guy would he would just go, can I get another one?
And then the guy would bring it over and he'd be like, my dude, thank you.
Right.
Some reason he said my dude.
And then he would just be sucking these things down.
And he was one of these fucking guys that was so out of shape.
Like he snored while he was awake.
You know what I mean?
The noises this guy makes, right?
So after about, I don't know, like fucking five of these things, we're in the
flight.
I'm starting to nod off.
He fucking goes to step over me.
Mountain of a man goes to step over me, you know, which, of course, sort of
wakes me up.
And he goes into the bathroom and I notice he's wearing his socks.
Fucking animal.
This guy is like trying to kill himself from all sides.
You know what I mean?
Death comes from the mouth, but he's also trying to fucking speed it up.
Try to go into the express lane by bringing a little in through the fucking
pores of the
bottom of his feet.
People, it's not your fault that you weren't raised right, but you got to look
around in
life.
Okay?
You got to do the fucking math.
I almost think, what do you think is grosser?
To be in your bare feet or in your socks?
I know initially the bare feet is worse, but there's something about the socks
just
absorbing it.
And like, you know, the next day, if you put them on again, after you took a
shower, you
still got the fucking shit in because it's going into your feet no matter what.
One of the grossest things.
So the entire fucking flight, this guy is just pounding Jack and Cokes.
I mean, he had, he must've had like nine of them on like a, I don't know how
long that
flight is, like four fucking hours.
And I'm trying to sleep and I can't get to sleep because, you know, he's a big
guy.
He's a cool guy.
He was trying to step over.
You know, at one point I did that Vietnamese gambler squat and he's like, he
goes, what
are you doing?
You praying over there?
You all right?
And I said, no, I got a, I got a sciatic nerve issue.
And he goes, oh man, that sucks.
So I couldn't get mad at him because he was friendly.
But every time he went to step over me, he'd fucking wake me up.
And then I'd look and he'd be going into the bathroom, just wearing his socks.
And it just was driving me fucking nuts.
So finally, all I'm thinking is, oh my God, when this fucking mountain of a man
goes down,
like he is going to snore.
Like, uh, I mean, I've never had the displeasure of sleeping next to Terry Saragusa,
whatever
it's Tony Saragusa.
But I imagined he was going to sound like whatever that guy sounds like at like
two o'clock in
the fucking morning.
Right.
But it was the weirdest thing.
He was snoring while he was awake.
But when he was, when he went to sleep, he didn't make a fucking sound.
And, uh, oh, he kept dropping his fucking iPhone.
He had his shoes off and just the noises he was trying to make to try to pick
it up.
It's like, why the fuck would you do to that?
Do that to yourself.
These fucking people that treat their own bodies like a rental car.
I just don't understand it.
It's like, you can't return this fucking thing at the end of the weekend.
You got to keep, this is the vessel that's going to bring you around for your
fucking life.
You know, I mean, I should talk the way I fucking booze, but
you know, I still do my jumping jacks and I do a couple of cartwheels to keep
the stomach down,
you know?
So anyways, the flight fucking ends.
My travel is all fucked up for whatever reason.
And, um, I'm basically, by the time they booked my hotel, everything was sold
out.
So I had a hotel for the night, but I couldn't check in until three in the
afternoon.
So I go, you know, so they booked me at another hotel and the person, you know,
the travel person
goes, so you got to check in at this hotel, you know, at five 30 in the morning
and then
check out at 12 and then check in for the other places.
It is like at 3 PM.
It's like, is that cool?
And I'm like, no, it's not cool.
Like, do you ever travel?
Is that the way you set up your travel?
Do you want to switch hotels, you know, in the same fucking city you're staying?
But I mean, I don't have any choice, so it's going to have to be cool.
So I fucking take a cab over there.
I get to the place at like fucking five 30 in the morning.
This is like planes, trains, and automobiles, right?
I get there and they're like, uh, what's it under?
And I'm like, oh no.
I'm like, Bill Burr, they're like, yeah, I see you.
I'm like, William, eh, Rumpel fucking still, eh, we don't get it, right?
And the guy keeps going, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm like, well, I know it's not your fault.
So now it's like fucking five in the goddamn morning.
I got no place to stay.
And he goes, well, the bellhop can take you over to the fucking Waffle House,
right?
Sorry if I make mic noise here.
I got to move this laptop around because I want you to fucking hear this thing.
So I go, yeah, I'm sorry if, uh, you know, sorry about that.
So the fucking, so now it's like fucking 5.20 in the morning.
I got no place to stay till three in the afternoon.
I'm fucking dead tired.
I couldn't sleep because old Fatty Cakes over there was drinking the fucking
Jack and Cokes
all night, stepping over on me with his fucking piss and shit infested soaked
socks.
And now they don't have a room for me.
And now I'm going to a Waffle House, right?
So I get to the fucking Waffle House, you know, at fucking quarter to six in
the morning,
half expecting to see Jay-Z finishing the end of that song, you know, that old
fucking
thing, go to the Waffle House, then we're going to do it again or however the
fuck it is.
Well, I guess he'd be walking out with her, right?
To bang her and then kick her out at seven while Beyonce sings lemonade in the
background.
I don't know what the fuck it is that those two do.
I don't pretend to know.
I'm an old man.
Anyways, so I walk in there.
A bunch of fucking characters and I'm bleary-eyed.
I'm not even fucking hungry, but I know I can't just sit in there like some
sort of vagrant.
So there are some eggs and a fucking waffle and I'm sitting there and there's
this black
guy in there wearing a suit.
And he's like an anomaly.
I don't know how to, he's a black guy, but he isn't funny.
It's very rare.
It's like an obese agent.
It's very rare that you see, like obesity, you know, they, I don't know what
food they eat
over an agent, but I mean, whatever they're doing, they're doing it right.
It's all the vegetables and the stir fries.
Because there's people in phenomenal shape.
And who's kidding who, right?
It's very rare you meet a black guy who isn't funny.
And this fucking guy is not funny and he won't shut the fuck up.
He keeps telling jokes and he's laughing at his own fucking jokes.
And I just want to, I want to stab myself with my fucking waffle house fucking
fork.
So at one point he just won't shut up.
And then finally one of the waitresses makes a joke on the other waitress.
The other waitress goes, you know, don't be walking up behind me.
You know, you don't want to, you know, you don't want to basically fuck with me.
And then the lady goes, ah, no, she goes, I don't fight pregnant women.
And she wasn't pregnant.
Okay.
But admittedly, it was a decent joke.
The unfunny black dude in the suit, you know, high pitch lap, stands up, runs
out of the waffle
house, goes out to the front and does like a fucking 360 turn.
And immediately the fucking, you know, the road weary comedian in me going like,
all right,
dude, it was funny.
It wasn't that fucking funny.
And he comes back in and then I don't, I mean, I don't know what the fuck to do.
I'm like, what the fuck am I going to do with myself?
I can't go to sleep.
My phone's running out of batteries.
I'm charging it there.
It was just a fucking nightmare.
So, uh, I just start calling hotels.
They're all fucking booked up.
I don't know what's going on here in Nashville.
If there's some sort of fucking banjo festival, I have no fucking idea, but
there's no way
some Jesus shit, you know, or some, you know, democratic or Republican
convention.
I have no fucking idea, but I cannot get a room.
So, you know, I'm like, what do I do?
So I called in the Opie and Jimmy show.
I talked to them for a minute and then I was just like, what am I doing?
So I finally called the cab and I just went over to the hotel that I was
supposed to be
at.
And they were like, and they were like, oh yeah, you know, somebody called,
said, you,
you know, fucking last night, if we could get you in, unfortunately we cannot,
blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah.
So I at least checked my bags.
You know, I felt like a fucking homeless person when I was in the Waffle House.
With the unf