Name: Bill Burr & Nia - Gorillas
Uploaded: 2016-06-10T13:09:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia - Gorillas' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-06-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia - Gorillas' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-06-10. Transcript available.

A buddy of mine at work got in this, you don't like doing those things where
you hang upside down?
Yeah.
He got one that's actually not legal in this country.
But they sell it in Canada and you just basically, you're more hanging from
like your waist as opposed to your ankle.
What's the one that my dad was talking about?
My dad was talking about the one where you hang from your ankles?
Yeah, and what my chiropractor was saying was that that one, it puts stress on
your joints
because you got your whole body weight, puts like your ankles, your knees and
your hips.
Because your whole body weight with this other one.
My dad loves that thing though.
Yeah, I don't know.
A lot of people love it for whatever reason, but I've been using the other one.
And that one would be like, say like you're at the zoo and you're at the
gorilla enclosure
and you want to bend over and look for the dime you just fucking lost.
This is a very timely example.
Yeah, just imagine that except you don't fall in.
Right.
Here's the thing, if an adult fell in there, would they have shot it?
With the tranquilizer thinking that maybe the adult could handle the fucking
thrashing
that he was going to get?
I think that the adult would have had the presence of mind to like slowly try
to back out of the
situation as opposed to a baby that's just kind of like sitting there.
Can you give us an example of how you would slowly back out of a situation with
a gorilla?
All right, you fall in.
Oh my God.
What would you say?
Hey man, like.
Easy, easy, easy.
Well, you know, I'm terrified of primates.
Like they just freak me out in general.
So I don't really know what I would do because I just feel like.
What is it?
Oh, I know what I would do.
More common like DNA wise or something with a chimpanzee than they do with a
gorilla.
Like that freaks me out.
I know.
I know exactly what I would do.
I don't like it actually.
I would curl up in the fetal position and I would cover up my face so he wouldn't
rip it
off.
And I would just be like, if I got to take some gorilla fucking kidney shots, I
would much
rather take that.
If he comes over and just fucking wails on me, like from fucking ankle to the
side of
my head, I will take that before I will, I will just stand there with my face
out waiting
for you to rip it off.
Well, like, do they?
Yeah.
I mean, I feel like that's probably the best way to go.
So they don't see you as like a threat or something.
Like you just sort of submit to them or something.
I don't know.
But then I don't want them to be like, I'm sure this information is on the
internet.
I'm going to make you my wife now.
Like it's just so weird.
I don't know.
They just, they really freak me out.
Remember when we went to Australia?
You know, they're going to grab you by your ankle and just drag you around like
a fucking.
Like they did that little kid.
I haven't watched it.
Oh, remember when we went to Australia and I was telling you.
Did they have video of it?
I don't want to watch that.
I think so.
Don't watch it.
I did watch the one of the naked guy that walked into the lion enclosure and he's
trying
to kill himself.
Oh.
And the fucking, his neck is in the guy, in the fucking thing's mouth.
Did he have to go in naked?
I mean, I was talking about that on DVE.
That's a little extra.
Oh my God, yeah.
That's a little unnecessary.
Yeah, it's like, go ahead, grab my neck, but I still got to cover my junk.
You still got to keep your boxes on, right?
No, but this is the thing.
The thing was just handed by his neck.
Did he survive?
Yeah, because they must have just fed the fucking thing.
So it just had him around the neck.
And the guy's literally, he's got his arms around the things, the lion's neck.
And then he's basically, and then he wrapped his legs around his body.
He basically had it in the guard, like a jujitsu guard.
And the fucking lion had it around his throat.
But he wasn't shaking him or anything.
And everybody was like, you know, going, oh my God, oh my God.
And, you know, in whatever fucking language, whatever country it was in.
And they're filming the guy.
The guy was completely fucking naked.
And, yeah, he obviously had like mental issues.
Because if you're in sound mind and you kill yourself, you just like jump off
something, right?
Yeah, you don't wander into a lion cage naked.
Land on somebody's, you know, Volkswagen Passat.
Wait, but I wanted to say, when we went to Australia that time, were you with
me when I was in that monkey exhibit or whatever?
And it looked like Planet of the Apes and it was freaking me out.
And then we went into that other little side room and there was a monkey behind
the glass.
And everyone was looking at it and taking pictures.
And it started rocking back and forth.
And I was like, that thing is about to freak out.
And then it threw itself up against the glass and like screamed and yelled.
And everyone was like, oh my gosh.
And then the other chimp came in.
Yes, it came in and like tried to come.
It hugged it.
Yeah, we thought they were going to fight.
And then they embraced each other.
And then they like put their backs toward the glass with one of them's arm
around the other.
Like, it's going to be okay.
Like, we're going to get out of here someday.
Like, it was so emotional and it was so scary.
I just, I can't, I don't know.
I can't deal with it.
Like, that scene in the trailer for Tarzan, The Legend of Tarzan, where the
monkey comes in and like sees the Tarzan in the bassinet and then picks it up
and then leaves with it.
It's just like, I don't know.
I don't like that shit.
Yeah.
I just think it's really weird.
I mean.
If that was in the wild, they would, they would eat that baby and they would
actually leave it, keep it alive as long as they could.
I guess.
Because they enjoy the screaming because it brings their fucking.
Is that true?
That they get off on it, man.
Dude, chimpanzees are fucking evil.
Gorillas are chill.
Gorillas don't have anything to prove.
Chimps have the short man's disease.
Yeah, I feel like gorillas are a little more chill.
And then you got those tweaker monkeys.
Yeah.
Right?
The meth head ones.
Yeah.
Those ones that throw their shit at you.
The chimpanzee was the one that like threw itself up against the glass and was
like really loud and screaming.
Yeah, the gorillas seem a little bit more peaceful.
Those are the ones that are handsome.
Like you saw that one gorilla that everyone was freaking out about in the zoo
in Japan because everyone thought it was like a good.
It's actually a very good looking gorilla.
Yeah, that was weird.
It was weird.
It was really weird.
You'll never find another gorilla like me.
It was like quasi, yeah, like sexy gorilla.
That's why they freak me out.
They're just so human-like that it's just, it's unsettling to me.
And I don't like when they make gorillas have agendas, like that commercial
where the little girl is deaf and she's doing sign language with the other
gorilla.
It's like all very sweet.
There's an orangutan.
A what?
Orangutan.
What is that?
That's the ones that look, if I was a fucking chimp, that's what I would look
like.
The ones with all the stringy hair?
The orange ones that look like old men.
But they're like sign languaging each other and it's like, oh, that's sweet.
Like they're communicating through sign language and then all of a sudden that
orangutan is like, oh, but like the way you live is destroying my life.
And it's like, wait a minute.
And it was like for about palm oil or peanut oil and I was like, don't get the
monkey involved.
Everything's a fucking cause now.
Did you see, I told you this morning, I didn't see.
I mean, I get it, but don't bring the animals into it and deaf children.
Like, I just felt like that was.
Yeah, there's fucking monkeys with their agendas.
I didn't.