Name: Bill Burr - NBA Talk, Stephen Curry / Soccer Is Boring
Uploaded: 2016-06-10T13:21:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - NBA Talk, Stephen Curry / Soccer Is Boring' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-06-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - NBA Talk, Stephen Curry / Soccer Is Boring' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-06-10. Transcript available.

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the thursday afternoon
just before friday
monday morning podcast and i'm just checking in on you just checking in on you
fucking redlining
the goddamn levels here you bring this down here ah jesus i got shit to do
today so let's
fucking get right to it if you see these goddamn things fucking buy them i
found that youtube clip
the other day remember when the fat kid would review food that was my favorite
one fat kid reviews
girl scout cookies he goes these are girl scout mint chocolate chip cookies and
i fucking love them
right he sits there and he eats them looks up in the air and then he goes if
some of you see somebody
selling these goddamn things fucking buy them it's one of the greatest food
reviews ever i totally
believed them and i wanted girl scout cookies but anyways i'm not here to talk
about this i'm not
here to talk about that i'm here as a casual fucking fan of the nba meaning i've
probably
watched seven whole games in the last seven fucking years and i watched the
second half
of last night's cleveland cavaliers first the fucking golden state warriors
um in a bar with the sound down now here comes my analogy
my favorite fucking moment of last night and this thing i don't have a dog in
the fight i'd love to
see lebron win a championship for cleveland and um i always like the golden
state warriors because they
they stunk you know and their fans fucking hung in there and i like their floor
and all of that shit
in that old piece of shit stadium they play in i went to a game there i went to
a game there about
fucking 10 years ago and there was like nobody there and they had the sickest
fucking live band
there they were playing herbie hancock what is that song well down there what
fucking sickest shit ever right it was way better than what i just did
the fuck was the name of that song i got that on my fucking uh phone somewhere
oh jesus uh you know and i'll play it for you here in a second maybe you guys
understand what this
one is herbie hancock it wasn't watermelon man what the fuck was it called headhunter
herbie hancock i'm gonna hit pause while i look this up so i don't torture you
here
all right i got they were playing they were playing herbie hancock chameleon i'm
at a
professional basketball game there's nobody there this fucking live band is
crushing this song
right here come on play it for fuck's sakes
everybody's looking around like this fucking game sucks listen to this band
though they're killing it
harvey mason
all right black people all start moving around white people start getting
uncomfortable
then the guitar player comes in
maybe he comes in on the next part
here he comes
i felt like it was in a fucking movie
so i was like you know what i love this franchise you know what this is this is
if you suck this is
what you should be doing saying listen man we're only gonna win eight games a
year
let's fucking get a killer band to come in there and people can at least have a
good time it was a fucking party and they lost by like fucking 30
so anyways i got i don't have a dog in this fight and i watched this game
um
i watched this game with the fucking sound on that was herbie hancock chameleon
by the way before you try to shazam it
point your phone at your fucking dashboard while you're driving down the street
killing a fucking mother of six
um
i have to tell you this over the last couple of games that i've watched like
the nba has fucking changed so much the way steph curry just runs around the
court like it's his
like the whole thing is his it's his fucking showcase when he was sitting on
the bench and that dude hits the three-pointer and he did that little jazz hand
thing
whatever the fuck he was doing you know dribbles out the game and then looks at
the crowd goes
starts fucking screaming i'm just looking at him okay now i know this guy could
fucking body slam me i'm just a comedian but i'm talking about
nba player to nba player this fucking guy is he's built like an honor roll
student
all right and i know he can shoot the fucking lights out from behind the three-point
line fine
you know you do the best you can back there but you let that little
motherfucker just glide down the goddamn lane like clear a path
clear a path
that's today's nba don't touch him don't fucking touch him that guy
needs to get his head taken off
get one of those fucking
giant white dudes from fucking eastern europe some transylvania guy get him out
there
he's got six fouls
just you know you know what would happen he'd do fucking one they'd be like
was that uh was that intentional was he trying or whatever the fuck they call
it
was that a hard foul
was he trying to hurt his feelings with that foul
oh let's go over and look at the tape what do you think
was was was his face snarling too much when he did that
oh we can't have that
get him out of the game
you know it's still worth it to fucking do it
because i think back in the day you know
the rick mahorns the john sally's all all of these fucking guys john sally
passed away unfortunately
but all of those fucking old school nba guys gotta be watching this fucking kid
and just be sitting there going like yeah that that wouldn't happen when i
played
that guy would have got his fucking head taken off
do you know if you watch highlights of jordan all you young millennial fucking
yolo people out there
if you fucking watch him it's like he's skinny he's skinny and then all of a
sudden
he's filled out that was because the pistons beat the shit out of him
for like fucking two three years in a row in the playoffs he finally had enough
guy had to go to the gym
because the nba refs weren't protecting him
they keep come down there they'd fucking
do everyone time fucking bill land beer
one of the it was like ulf samuelson without skates out there
who hilariously in the 30 for 30 used to be like
we used to like to try to get in people's heads
it's like like he was playing this high level fucking mind game
it's like no dude you were just out there waiting for people to leave their
feet
and you'd take their fucking legs out
how'd you come up with that did you major in calculus
um
so i remember one time he was hacking the celtics so fucking bad
robert parish finally couldn't take it
and the play's going up the court
and he just fucking gave him two forearm smashes over the head
he chopped them down like a fucking do you ever see like when a guy who doesn't
know how to chop down a tree
chops down a tree and it falls into his house
that's the way he was hacking away
at lamb beer
and lamb beer just put both his hands up like
you know
like george michael when he was with wham
and he just fucking went down
right he gave him two fucking friends right
and he went down
the refs didn't see it
it was like wrestling
and then when they back
they went back and looked at the tape
they're like yeah well you know
we should have called the foul
and there was no fines
there was no objections
there was no nothing
he just you know
live by the sword
die by the sword
um
there was so many of those
i just was thinking another one that i saw
they just it just nowadays
you just curry's out there just fucking
gliding around
he's built like a muppet
i just don't understand
in this day and age
how that has happened
and the only thing that i can come up with
is that the leagues are so fucking guilty
that
not guilty
greedy
is that they realize
that you know
um
that offense
sells tickets
to the casual fan
you know what i mean
like let's take the most boring game
ever
and i'm not talking about horseshoes
i'm not talking about shuffleboard
i'm not talking about darts
i have of course
i'm talking about
soccer
okay
which the entire world has embraced
except for us
and when you really look at it
that's probably why we're number one
you know what i mean
the rest of the world is too stupid
to realize how boring that fucking game is
despite the fact
it
that it's so fucking boring
that even their fans
have to have
campfire sing-alongs
as they wait for something to happen
oh what's the matter with
a
and
he's all right
right
just sitting there
they're fucking scarves and shit
this is the thing about
oh man i'm gonna get some fucking emails on this
this is the thing about fucking soccer
right
if they just let
the forwards
run past the final line
of defense
like in any other
competitive fucking game
where it's like
hey i'm faster than you
i understand
like off sides to a point
but it's got to be
just a line
like in hockey
and then after that
if i'm faster than you
if i can see the play developing
before you do
i get by you
i don't have to fucking wait for you
if they would just adjust that
and you'd start to have some fucking
ten to eight games
i'm telling you
that game would blow up
it would blow up here
in the united states
we would sit down and fucking watch it
you know why
because we don't understand the game
you know what i mean
if i was watching cricket
right
i guess they score a lot in that fucking thing
that's a good one to just sit around and booze with
but any fucking game that i'm not into
if somebody's crushing it
and everybody's flipping out
i'm gonna be like what's going on
i'm actually gonna sit there and watch it
like nobody
like when i walk by
you know and soccer's on
i don't even look at it
but if i hear this guy go
he's doing that
i stop and i watch
you know
and i read all the fucking
advertisements all over their fucking uniforms
i gotta tell you
the premier league has the worst fucking uniforms
i've ever seen in my life
you can't figure out
who the fuck
it doesn't say man united
it doesn't say liverpool
it just says exxon
and fucking joey's fish and chips
fucking banks
i heard they're gonna do that in the nba
but anyways
i think that that's what happened in the game
and i know i don't know what the fuck i'm talking about
i'm too fucking busy to pay attention
and at the end of the day
i never really excelled in sports anyway
so who better
to break down what's wrong with the fucking nba
than some stuttering fucking prick like me
um
i think you got an entire generation of people
that grew up playing madden football
and all of this shit
and everybody was the globetrotters
and now they're just doing like the real version of it
all right
i love steph curry
he's the greatest shooter i've ever seen in my life
but watching him just glide down the fucking lane
is ridiculous
which is why last night
after the fucking whistle blows
he just decides like
oh i'm just gonna fucking
yeah i'm gonna take a little lay up here
you know right next to lebron james
and i love that lebron blocked it
and looked at him like
get the fuck out of here
that's what they need to do
all right
you're not gonna beat these fucking guys
playing their goddamn game
trying to out
shoot fucking three pointers
or whatever the fuck it is they're doing
granted
i watched it with the sound down in the second half
um
they need to fucking
they gotta
they gotta
i'm telling you
they gotta give them the old right there for it
that's what they gotta do
okay
that's what you do
if the other team is faster
the other team fucking
you gotta
you have to play physical
i'm not saying play dirty
pittsburgh penguin fans
i'm not saying
you hire a fucking knee breaker
and end the career of the best player on the other team
i'm not saying that
all i'm saying
is when the guy comes down the lane
your whole team should be yelling
clear a path
you know
and this guy looks like he's in the fucking globe trotters
um
now
now that i'm done with that
little fucking soliloquy
most of that was based in
what happens as you get older
you know
and you start realizing your own mortality
and there's a couple of panic thoughts that you have
is
you know
the world is changing
i'm gonna die
and it's gonna keep going
part of it was that
that the game has changed
you know what i mean
i am kind of the old man going
why can't they have short shorts again
and clothesline somebody
it's amazing
somebody's balls didn't come out
like during that rambus play
it's unbelievable that his junk didn't come out the side
he fucking literally did like
you know
like a
he did
he was doing like a thomas flair
in the air
and
dude i actually retweeted the other day
it was in a game
jack sigma
elbows kareem
abdul jabbar
in the fucking
like right in
right in the
right in the old solar plexus
as he used to say in wrestling
and kareem had to like
fucking just run it off
like fuck
so whatever happened on the play
whether see uh
the sonics hit the shot or not
they're going back up the court
or whatever
no they didn't
because what's his face
sigma was still setting up
kareem walked back into the play
and just got a little in front of jack sigma
turned around
and punched him right in the face
and sigma had that great hair
you know that hair that like moves around
if he get hit
you know he had whiplash hair
the white version of it
where thomas hitman hearns
had the black version
when he fought uh
when he fought um
marvin haggler
you know
if a black guy's gonna get punched in the head
in a boxing match
you want him to have a jerry curl
because it just adds to it
when all that liquid just shoots off his fucking head
and jack sigma
had the white version of it
where he had basically a beatles haircut
so it just enhances
you really get to see like how much
you know whiplash
somebody's enduring
um
all right there we go
that's just the end of it
i you know what it is
selfishly i want to see seven games
um
and uh i would like to see
all right one team's a finesse team
the other team's
a physical team
i don't want to see any dirty play
but i don't see one team
you know putting on their two twos
and trying to out fucking
spin the other team right

Bill Burr - NBA Talk, Stephen Curry / Soccer Is Boring

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the thursday afternoon
just before friday
monday morning podcast and i'm just checking in on you just checking in on you
fucking redlining
the goddamn levels here you bring this down here ah jesus i got shit to do
today so let's
fucking get right to it if you see these goddamn things fucking buy them i
found that youtube clip
the other day remember when the fat kid would review food that was my favorite
one fat kid reviews
girl scout cookies he goes these are girl scout mint chocolate chip cookies and
i fucking love them
right he sits there and he eats them looks up in the air and then he goes if
some of you see somebody
selling these goddamn things fucking buy them it's one of the greatest food
reviews ever i totally
believed them and i wanted girl scout cookies but anyways i'm not here to talk
about this i'm not
here to talk about that i'm here as a casual fucking fan of the nba meaning i've
probably
watched seven whole games in the last seven fucking years and i watched the
second half
of last night's cleveland cavaliers first the fucking golden state warriors
um in a bar with the sound down now here comes my analogy
my favorite fucking moment of last night and this thing i don't have a dog in
the fight i'd love to
see lebron win a championship for cleveland and um i always like the golden
state warriors because they
they stunk you know and their fans fucking hung in there and i like their floor
and all of that shit
in that old piece of shit stadium they play in i went to a game there i went to
a game there about
fucking 10 years ago and there was like nobody there and they had the sickest
fucking live band
there they were playing herbie hancock what is that song well down there what
fucking sickest shit ever right it was way better than what i just did
the fuck was the name of that song i got that on my fucking uh phone somewhere
oh jesus uh you know and i'll play it for you here in a second maybe you guys
understand what this
one is herbie hancock it wasn't watermelon man what the fuck was it called headhunter
herbie hancock i'm gonna hit pause while i look this up so i don't torture you
here
all right i got they were playing they were playing herbie hancock chameleon i'm
at a
professional basketball game there's nobody there this fucking live band is
crushing this song
right here come on play it for fuck's sakes
everybody's looking around like this fucking game sucks listen to this band
though they're killing it
harvey mason
all right black people all start moving around white people start getting
uncomfortable
then the guitar player comes in
maybe he comes in on the next part
here he comes
i felt like it was in a fucking movie
so i was like you know what i love this franchise you know what this is this is
if you suck this is
what you should be doing saying listen man we're only gonna win eight games a
year
let's fucking get a killer band to come in there and people can at least have a
good time it was a fucking party and they lost by like fucking 30
so anyways i got i don't have a dog in this fight and i watched this game
um
i watched this game with the fucking sound on that was herbie hancock chameleon
by the way before you try to shazam it
point your phone at your fucking dashboard while you're driving down the street
killing a fucking mother of six
um
i have to tell you this over the last couple of games that i've watched like
the nba has fucking changed so much the way steph curry just runs around the
court like it's his
like the whole thing is his it's his fucking showcase when he was sitting on
the bench and that dude hits the three-pointer and he did that little jazz hand
thing
whatever the fuck he was doing you know dribbles out the game and then looks at
the crowd goes
starts fucking screaming i'm just looking at him okay now i know this guy could
fucking body slam me i'm just a comedian but i'm talking about
nba player to nba player this fucking guy is he's built like an honor roll
student
all right and i know he can shoot the fucking lights out from behind the three-point
line fine
you know you do the best you can back there but you let that little
motherfucker just glide down the goddamn lane like clear a path
clear a path
that's today's nba don't touch him don't fucking touch him that guy
needs to get his head taken off
get one of those fucking
giant white dudes from fucking eastern europe some transylvania guy get him out
there
he's got six fouls
just you know you know what would happen he'd do fucking one they'd be like
was that uh was that intentional was he trying or whatever the fuck they call
it
was that a hard foul
was he trying to hurt his feelings with that foul
oh let's go over and look at the tape what do you think
was was was his face snarling too much when he did that
oh we can't have that
get him out of the game
you know it's still worth it to fucking do it
because i think back in the day you know
the rick mahorns the john sally's all all of these fucking guys john sally
passed away unfortunately
but all of those fucking old school nba guys gotta be watching this fucking kid
and just be sitting there going like yeah that that wouldn't happen when i
played
that guy would have got his fucking head taken off
do you know if you watch highlights of jordan all you young millennial fucking
yolo people out there
if you fucking watch him it's like he's skinny he's skinny and then all of a
sudden
he's filled out that was because the pistons beat the shit out of him
for like fucking two three years in a row in the playoffs he finally had enough
guy had to go to the gym
because the nba refs weren't protecting him
they keep come down there they'd fucking
do everyone time fucking bill land beer
one of the it was like ulf samuelson without skates out there
who hilariously in the 30 for 30 used to be like
we used to like to try to get in people's heads
it's like like he was playing this high level fucking mind game
it's like no dude you were just out there waiting for people to leave their
feet
and you'd take their fucking legs out
how'd you come up with that did you major in calculus
um
so i remember one time he was hacking the celtics so fucking bad
robert parish finally couldn't take it
and the play's going up the court
and he just fucking gave him two forearm smashes over the head
he chopped them down like a fucking do you ever see like when a guy who doesn't
know how to chop down a tree
chops down a tree and it falls into his house
that's the way he was hacking away
at lamb beer
and lamb beer just put both his hands up like
you know
like george michael when he was with wham
and he just fucking went down
right he gave him two fucking friends right
and he went down
the refs didn't see it
it was like wrestling
and then when they back
they went back and looked at the tape
they're like yeah well you know
we should have called the foul
and there was no fines
there was no objections
there was no nothing
he just you know
live by the sword
die by the sword
um
there was so many of those
i just was thinking another one that i saw
they just it just nowadays
you just curry's out there just fucking
gliding around
he's built like a muppet
i just don't understand
in this day and age
how that has happened
and the only thing that i can come up with
is that the leagues are so fucking guilty
that
not guilty
greedy
is that they realize
that you know
um
that offense
sells tickets
to the casual fan
you know what i mean
like let's take the most boring game
ever
and i'm not talking about horseshoes
i'm not talking about shuffleboard
i'm not talking about darts
i have of course
i'm talking about
soccer
okay
which the entire world has embraced
except for us
and when you really look at it
that's probably why we're number one
you know what i mean
the rest of the world is too stupid
to realize how boring that fucking game is
despite the fact
it
that it's so fucking boring
that even their fans
have to have
campfire sing-alongs
as they wait for something to happen
oh what's the matter with
a
and
he's all right
right
just sitting there
they're fucking scarves and shit
this is the thing about
oh man i'm gonna get some fucking emails on this
this is the thing about fucking soccer
right
if they just let
the forwards
run past the final line
of defense
like in any other
competitive fucking game
where it's like
hey i'm faster than you
i understand
like off sides to a point
but it's got to be
just a line
like in hockey
and then after that
if i'm faster than you
if i can see the play developing
before you do
i get by you
i don't have to fucking wait for you
if they would just adjust that
and you'd start to have some fucking
ten to eight games
i'm telling you
that game would blow up
it would blow up here
in the united states
we would sit down and fucking watch it
you know why
because we don't understand the game
you know what i mean
if i was watching cricket
right
i guess they score a lot in that fucking thing
that's a good one to just sit around and booze with
but any fucking game that i'm not into
if somebody's crushing it
and everybody's flipping out
i'm gonna be like what's going on
i'm actually gonna sit there and watch it
like nobody
like when i walk by
you know and soccer's on
i don't even look at it
but if i hear this guy go
he's doing that
i stop and i watch
you know
and i read all the fucking
advertisements all over their fucking uniforms
i gotta tell you
the premier league has the worst fucking uniforms
i've ever seen in my life
you can't figure out
who the fuck
it doesn't say man united
it doesn't say liverpool
it just says exxon
and fucking joey's fish and chips
fucking banks
i heard they're gonna do that in the nba
but anyways
i think that that's what happened in the game
and i know i don't know what the fuck i'm talking about
i'm too fucking busy to pay attention
and at the end of the day
i never really excelled in sports anyway
so who better
to break down what's wrong with the fucking nba
than some stuttering fucking prick like me
um
i think you got an entire generation of people
that grew up playing madden football
and all of this shit
and everybody was the globetrotters
and now they're just doing like the real version of it
all right
i love steph curry
he's the greatest shooter i've ever seen in my life
but watching him just glide down the fucking lane
is ridiculous
which is why last night
after the fucking whistle blows
he just decides like
oh i'm just gonna fucking
yeah i'm gonna take a little lay up here
you know right next to lebron james
and i love that lebron blocked it
and looked at him like
get the fuck out of here
that's what they need to do
all right
you're not gonna beat these fucking guys
playing their goddamn game
trying to out
shoot fucking three pointers
or whatever the fuck it is they're doing
granted
i watched it with the sound down in the second half
um
they need to fucking
they gotta
they gotta
i'm telling you
they gotta give them the old right there for it
that's what they gotta do
okay
that's what you do
if the other team is faster
the other team fucking
you gotta
you have to play physical
i'm not saying play dirty
pittsburgh penguin fans
i'm not saying
you hire a fucking knee breaker
and end the career of the best player on the other team
i'm not saying that
all i'm saying
is when the guy comes down the lane
your whole team should be yelling
clear a path
you know
and this guy looks like he's in the fucking globe trotters
um
now
now that i'm done with that
little fucking soliloquy
most of that was based in
what happens as you get older
you know
and you start realizing your own mortality
and there's a couple of panic thoughts that you have
is
you know
the world is changing
i'm gonna die
and it's gonna keep going
part of it was that
that the game has changed
you know what i mean
i am kind of the old man going
why can't they have short shorts again
and clothesline somebody
it's amazing
somebody's ball