Name: Bill Burr - Stanley Cup 2016
Uploaded: 2016-06-14T01:02:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Stanley Cup 2016' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-06-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Stanley Cup 2016' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-06-14. Transcript available.

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the monday morning podcast
for monday
uh june 13th 2016 what's going on how the fuck are you um i'm hanging out here
sunday night
there's 30.2 seconds left in game six and uh barry an absolute miracle out
there on the ice worthy
of a lake placid sequel i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that the fucking pittsburgh
penguins
are gonna win their fifth cup is this the fifth one that's fucking you realize
how successful that
is they've only been around since 67 the bruins been around forever we only got
six you motherfuckers
congratulations to the pittsburgh penguins man that's fucking great and uh
really happy for
phil kessel this is actually a good one for me as a bruins fan because joe thornton
was uh
you know another former bruins so either way i was gonna say and i like both
those fucking players you
know i mean because of the phil kessel trade to toronto we won a cup granted we
then traded everybody
the fuck away but we did win a cup you know so i can't say some shit to fucking
montreal fans
finally 20 seconds to go 19 i'll tell you this is the toughest trophy to win in
a fucking goddamn professional sports
um
this gotta be one of the most
how the fuck was that icing the goalie played it
ah jesus christ what is this the fucking nba
um
by the way i i kind of i guess i understand now why it's not as physical in the
nba
i actually looked up some of the rules the uh obviously the three second rule
and isn't even
as like an offensive player are you allowed to be that i don't know
no one of these guys can go down the fucking lane a defensive player can't be
in the fucking painted
area for longer than three seconds or it's an illegal defense he is allowed to
stand there if
he's within arm's length of the guy that he's guarding so all the guy's got to
do is just fucking
run out to the three-point land and they just clear it clear the path right and
it comes the
honor roll student right down the fucking lane
like jack there's quickness yeah he has his first step yeah and the fact that
there's now a fucking
rule that says you can't have some giant fucking guy standing there oh look at
him going crazy
wow
another one in the books
you know something i'm not claustrophobic but
one of the worst things you want to be after winning a championship is that
person on the bottom
of the fucking pile you know you literally go from like celebrating that you
won to not even being
able to breathe you're like yeah and you get tackled you're just like
do you know that there's been times people who've scored big fucking uh
touchdowns and they get
tackled by their teammates they get like their fucking leg broken it's
unbelievable um anyways
congratulations to the pittsburgh penguins uh and pittsburgh great great
fucking hockey town
i know we've had our rivalry in that thing but i've just been there too many
times i got too many
friends there and uh congratulations to joe bartnick he's got to be going
fucking crazy right now
um if i didn't have shit to do tomorrow i would have gone over his place and
watched the game
um san jose sharks though man you know you never made it to the final so you
got over the hump
and now you're gonna have that bitter taste in your mouth and hopefully you'll
come back and win one
unless my fucking bruins get their shit together and then we fucking finally
win one so
anyways um dude phil kessel looks like he's like works with wood doesn't he
like some weird guy that
never married but he could fucking you know make a davenport out of a fucking
tree stump
you can't hate phil kessel though how's your breath pretty bad eh um oh and the
wonderful
tradition of the nhl is shaking over the hands the show of mutual respect
nothing i don't know oh god is he getting booed is he getting booed uh you know
it
this poor bastard every fucking year this is the funniest shit ever in hockey
every fucking year
the commissioner of the league comes out and he just gets fucking i don't know
why he's still
getting booed let's see this here hang on a second steve summers wrote those
words and now it's
engraved on the side of the stanley cup i rubbed my balls on it right before it
one of the greatest
trophies in all the sport look at mario lemieux looking sharp huh he's got his
anchorman sport coat
on tom uh tom burgundy uh the fuck's his name oh here he comes
he's complimenting him this is one of the loudest buildings i've ever heard
they're booing him
his children must cry every year so sydney crosby got the mvp got that little
shiny house
with the i don't know disco hat on top of it all right when's he giving it to
phil kessel
when's he giving it to phil kessel who's he handed off to first
who's he ended off to first one of the great traditions of all sports i'll tell
you it weighs
nine thousand pounds until you put it over your head then it feels like a baby
you're worried about
dropping you ever hear all the stories about the stanley cup all the i can't
believe they drink out of that thing every year the amount of stripper ass that
has been sitting in that
thing people pissing in it and all kinds of at least it ends up at the bottom
of a pool a couple times
you get some chlorine and i'm exposing myself to the fact i don't know who
anybody is on the penguins
all right he handled it he just handed the cup to not phil kessel not phil kessel
not phil kessel
holding it up holding it up holding it up turning spinning what number is he
number six not phil kessel
jesus christ he should have skated around a little more daily
dude i would take off with that thing i swear to god if i ever got to do that
thing
be like when what's his face uh hits one of his shots at the end of his
practice speaking of which
jesus christ i was hoping for at least at least a six game series with the
cavaliers i guess that's
not going to happen right i'm just filibustering here can you just give the
thing to phil kessel already
for fuck's sakes i don't know if he's been waiting that long come on you gotta
give it to phil he's
fucking adorable okay here we go phil kessel phil kessel nope some assistant
captain
oh jesus that's smoking i didn't recognize him with a hat on he's not one of
those guys who's
fucking mustache and beard doesn't connect you know jesus he's got a terrible
patchy i don't
know what i know what he's got going on there that's really the thing people
can either you
know you know what's the worst is the fucking neck beard you know those people
it's fucking it starts
off all right by the ear and then it just goes it does a nose dive and he has
like the chin strap
goes right up and under and they got like five hairs on their upper lip and he's
just like what are
you doing you know tang has it now all right this has to be excruciatingly
boring i'm gonna hit pause
here until phil kessel gets it and of course they cut it off before he fucking
hoist the thing because
they had to cut immediately to hey get your championship t-shirts and fucking
hats all right
i'll find a fucking clip of it um all right with that i'm gonna shut the tv off
so i can actually focus
here congratulations to uh pittsburgh penguins fans and you know what also to
san jose shark fans
i know i've been there plenty of times seeing the bruins losing finals to all
those great edmonton teams
um so my condolences but hey you actually got to the finals and you got a great
team to build on um and that's it