Name: Bill Burr - Advice: Girlfriend Is Ditzy
Uploaded: 2016-06-20T10:33:59.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Girlfriend Is Ditzy' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-06-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Girlfriend Is Ditzy' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-06-20. Transcript available.

All right, read this. Okay. All right, I'm going to read this. Relax.
What's up, dickhead? Let's go fucking Bruins. Can't wait for next season.
I just moved to wildly mediocre Los Angeles.
Well, yeah, that's what you're going to feel like because you just fucking
moved there.
But if you stay open-minded, which is really difficult for East Coast people to
do.
I did that the first time I came to L.A. I went to L.A. and I tried to do
Boston, New York shit.
And then when I couldn't, I was like, oh, this place fucking sucks.
It doesn't. It's fucking amazing.
Beautiful women. Some of the best food you're ever going to have.
So much outdoor activity. Just fucking embrace it.
Stop trying to be the fucking Boston guy.
You're not on a reality show. All right. Take it down a few fucking notches.
Nobody gives a fuck in Los Angeles that you don't like it.
Everybody just thinks, well, then go back to fucking Boston.
Go back to Philly, wherever the fuck you're from.
If it's so fucking great, why did you accept the job out here?
All right. Sorry. I'm just heading you off at the pass before you come another
cunt shitting on fucking L.A.
He said, I work for the UFC Editing Fight Highlights.
Thanks for keeping me entertained with your semi-literate bibble babble
bullshit day after day.
This is like a classic East Coast guy.
He really likes me and likes what I do, but he just can't get himself to say it
because his dad never hugged him.
So I'm not taking any of this personally.
Anyways, my girlfriend is about to move here to meet me.
She had to stay behind when I moved because she's a teacher and needed to
finish out the school year.
We get along great.
I trust her and she treats me better than I deserve.
However, sometimes I can't take how ditzy she can be.
Uh-oh.
I'm starting to pull some threads here.
She is successful and very book smart, but sometimes lacks common sense.
I find myself feeling embarrassed when she says some stupid shit in front of my
friends or parents.
It's kind of a hard thing to discuss with her, though, you know?
What the fuck should I do?
Also, I'm coming to your show at the Saban Theater this Monday.
I'm looking forward to it, so don't blow it.
Well, I appreciate you coming out to that.
Like I said, it's, you know, for a really good friend of mine and for a great
cause.
So thank you for doing that.
All right.
Well, here's the deal, dude.
You either have to accept the fact that she can be a little ditzy or you have
to come to the realization that you're dating a fucking dope and you got to get
rid of her.
It's one or the other.
I mean, look, she doesn't sound like she's 100% that.
I've dated people like that that were a little, you know, they were either
locked in or just sort of floating.
It was really weird.
And they could say really, like, amazing, like, spot-on shit, and then two
minutes later could just could say something like, oh, my God, what the fuck
was that?
But I have to tell you, that's kind of a big deal, though, dude, you know?
You can't think that the person you're dating is a dope.
You know, you get into that situation and, I don't know, you start thinking
about getting married, you start thinking about having kids.
You're like, is my kid going to be half a dope or a full-on dope?
Is the kid going to get all of that DNA from her?
Who the fuck knows?
It's kind of a hard thing to discuss with her, you know?
What are you going to say to her?
Can you stop saying dumb shit?
I mean, there's no way to do that.
You know?
I'm trying to think.
That's like my wife telling me to work on my temper.
I mean, I do work on my temper, but, I mean, it's kind of how I'm made up.
I mean, if somebody's ditzy, they're fucking ditzy.
That would be like my wife telling me, okay, can you be a little less pasty?
It's like I can become red for a few days.
And that's about the best I can do.
I don't know what else you want from me, but, you know, I think you need to
maybe move on.
I'm not saying you need to move on.
Yeah, you either accept this about her or you got to walk one or the other.