Name: Bill Burr - Advice: Trip To America (Chicago)
Uploaded: 2016-06-20T10:43:47.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Trip To America (Chicago)' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-06-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Trip To America (Chicago)' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-06-20. Transcript available.

um all right here we go advice for for a daft scotsman hey there you redheaded
cunt
oh i cannot fucking wait to go back to scotland ireland and all these fucking
places these
miserable cunts are some of the funniest people you're ever going to meet all
right he says i'm
26 year old guy from near glasgow scotland um for quite a while i was in a bit
of a rut but
eventually i managed to pick myself out of it and decided to do something that
i've always wanted
to do i took a big step and decided to buy a ticket to a festival in chicago i
said shit i love
chicago he said i booked my flights and i'll be in the city for a week that's
tremendous he said
basically my question is as i'll be traveling alone and will be staying alone
how easy is it to just
hang around and strike up conversations with complete strangers in a different
country
have you ever found difficulties in finding common ground in conversation with
people from
different countries also any faux pas i should avoid when talking to americans
so i can prevent
getting my cunt kicked in all the best you fat shaming prick um all right it's
a lot of questions
there um well the only time i ever traveled is when i i i'm doing stand-up and
then after the show
there's always people that just saw you do a show so i've already broken the
ice but um
first things first why don't i tell you a couple places to go to from my little
fucking places to go
thing that i have in my fucking phone that my wife used to make fun of she made
fun of places to go and
she was laughing and then you know what we went to one of those fucking places
and then all of a sudden
you know she's just she has total faith in it now she tells me hit it all right
here's what i would go
all right if you like a nice fucking a great fucking bar for music and that
type of thing i'd go to the liar's club
um if you like cigars there's a place big cigar emporium check that fucking
place out and then as far
as food and all that shit i would just tweet about it because uh i'm not a big
fan of of deep dish pizza
you know what i mean i just don't understand it i don't understand deep dish
pizza pizza the way i don't
understand why why coffee and tea have to be so fucking hot you know what i
mean i i what so it
gets the the fucking the tea bag all in the water maybe is that what the fuck
it is i just don't
understand but you have to wait like an hour before you can drink it without
scalding your fucking mouth
and when it comes to deep dish pizza it's it's just it's just too fucking much
you know and you can't just get a slice of it they bring the fucking thing over
it's it's like hey you want some lasagna yeah but not a whole fucking tray
you know um but you should definitely try it if you get one that actually has a
really good crust
it is pretty amazing but it's just like i mean you can literally split one
piece with somebody else
it's so fucking big and uh my wife said the funniest about it she called it an
abomination
she goes it's the ultimate expression of american gluttony she goes go to italy
you won't
see anything anything over there like it and it's true when we went to italy
you know
they have like we have all our american versions of their dishes you know what
i mean but there's
no deep dip deep dish pizza in italy at least not in any place we went to in rome
that's the only place
i've been to but you don't see it uh that's what she said and she goes you know
why because it's an
abomination um so anyways uh as far as i found in that that liars club uh
people were fucking cool
as hell if you're into the music and shit it's a good time but dude you're
going to be coming over
with your fucking accent i wouldn't go to the fucking you know uh you know
depends on what you're into i
would go to uh uh a place where there's going to be a bunch of beautiful women
that's what i would do
and then you go over there and you just fucking just just start talking and i
think you'll be in the
fucking game and there'll be who'd you come over here with me i came over by
myself i always wanted to
come to chicago and just literally you know hey what do you what do you fucking
birds do whatever
the however the fuck you guys talk right what the fuck you fucking do over here
for fun you're scared
wearing cunt right whatever the fuck you're gonna say and they're gonna love it
they're gonna love
it even if you ask them hey for a fucking shag any however the fuck you say
fucking in your country
it's gonna seem so cool to them it's so different and then also they're gonna
be more adventurous
because you know you're the story's leaving with you when you go back when you
fly back to scotland
um how can you avoid getting your head kicked in um don't do what everybody
else from other countries
do is you come here and you criticize the united states and talk about how dumb
we are how fat we are
how awful the foreign policy is how uh our football players are pussies because
they wear pads why do
you call it football all of that dumb shit you know what i mean it's so obnoxious
you know you know why it's obnoxious because they those kinds of people always
come here and
they act like these they're these worldly traveled people you know and oh i
come from here and i come
from there and we can do this and we can do that and it's just like well in all
of that travel
you never learn to be on your best behavior when you come to somebody's country
and you don't come
in and insult it so you make your whole country look like a bunch of fucking snobby
cunts you never
learned that one i am always i'm on my best fucking behavior when i go to a
different country i'm not
saying i'll go out and get fucking hammered but like i don't go there and shit
on it you know
some of these places i go to i'm fucking talking people i know this place is
nice they're always
like why the did you come here i remember i was like i was in oslo norway i
said i'm you know i'm gonna
you guys well thanks a lot you guys have been great i'll definitely be back and
somebody yelled out why
it's just struggle i was like what what do you mean why why the wouldn't i
it's fucking beautiful i don't know anyway so i would avoid doing that um and
then just everything
else is common sense you know somebody's you know looking like a psycho just
fucking leave him alone
but i don't know dude i i mean i judge a lot of scotland on that movie train
spotting i just feel
like it i i don't go into any bars where there's an upper deck to it because i
just feel like there's
going to be that guy up there that's going to finish his fucking pint and just
throw the glass
over his head cut open some woman's face like i just you know if it's even
remotely like that over
there i think you're going to be fine in chicago um i would definitely try to
go to a cubs game
um no offense to white socks fans but you you guys all know that your fucking
stadium stinks you know
it stinks it's the only time i ever saw a stadium a new stadium built and they
admitted so quickly
like wow we really fucked this up let's try to like it was like a botched nose
job you know what i mean
like your stadium is is the fucking stadium version of like you know when some
hollywood chick or
somebody they get too much work done on their face and people oh my god what
happened that's what you
did with that stadium they're like well let's wait till it settles let's see
what happens
you know all right so there you go but dude you picked a great fucking city to
go to chicago is the
shit and you picked a great time of the year to go there um i will tell you the
traffic is
fucking horrific so just get ready for that but once you're in it it's fucking
phenomenal