Name: Bill Burr - What's In The News
Uploaded: 2016-06-24T13:10:14.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - What's In The News' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-06-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - What's In The News' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-06-24. Transcript available.

What happened today in the world? I have no fucking idea. I sat in a fucking
writer's room all goddamn day.
Let's see. Google News. Google News. All right. In the U.S., a comprehensive up-to-date
coverage aggregated.
All right. Sit and spin. Sit in Spurs late night clash. Oh, this is about the
gun shit.
The Daily Trail. Asian stocks wobble ahead of... Somebody cares about that.
Somebody has so much fucking money that that's going to... Who gives a fuck
what's going on with their stocks?
You know, once we became this giant financial fucking gangbang, it's just over.
Alligator that snatched two-year-old boy at Disney World has been killed.
How the fuck did they find it? It didn't eat him.
There was no evidence of the kid in him, right?
Somebody rat him out?
Some other fucking alligator? All right, man. It wasn't me.
I, you know, somebody was talking.
The fucking alligator probably snatched the kid and was like, Jesus Christ, it's
a fucking kid.
Thought it was a turtle. I don't want to get fucking sued.
They're going to kill me.
All the animals, they got to know it at this point.
That if you fucking... If you even fuck with a human being, we come down and we
track you down.
You know, we've done it to alligators, we've done it to sharks, we've done it
to gorillas.
That fucking alligator, the second he fucking saw his shirt, was just like,
that's not a turtle, right?
Spit the kid out and then fucking took off and it still wasn't enough.
We come back around like Bed Bug Eddie in fucking...
Fucking Pope of Greenwich Village.
Two alligators.
Not three.
Barney.
Some Irish fucking alligator. I don't owe him shit.
Coast Guard, cruise, find Barney and search for missing father.
Three teens.
Oh my God.
People are out of their fucking minds.
People go out on boats.
You know what I mean?
Stay on a lake.
A lake is brutal enough.
Just because it's a creepy thing, a lake is usually so fucking cold it never
gives up your body.
You just stay down there.
You know, it doesn't get warm enough for the gases in your gut to fucking make
you be a fucking floater.
You know that?
I learned that reading that book, The Westies.
That when they used to make people do the Houdini, as they say, you know, they'd
kill people and then they would chop them up.
Their big fucking thing was that you had to, you had to, you had to gut them.
You know?
Because if you didn't, you know, whatever happens, whatever happens when you
die, you know, there's probiotics for the good bacteria in your gut.
Then there's a bad bacteria.
That bad bacteria that exists in your gut your whole fucking life sits there
waiting for you to die.
And when you die, it activates.
And that's what fucking makes you decompose.
According to the person two stools down from me at a diner one time.
All right?
Or maybe I saw it on the fucking internet.
I have no fucking idea.
On my way to a slap fight or some shit.
Whatever the fuck I was going to watch.
By the way, on Twitter, I got another good one.
Okay?
Worldstar, hip-hop.
You got to follow those guys.
And then there's 30-second fights.
Fucking unbelievable.
Watch the guy back a car over a woman today.
She was fucking up his car, right?
You know how women, when women flip out, whatever the fuck you did, cheated on
them or whatever.
They fuck up your property because they're not going to get arrested for it
because they have a fucking clan.
Right?
So this fucking, she's throwing shit at the guy.
And the guy's trying to drive away.
And she throws like three or four fucking things at him.
I don't know what it was.
And finally, she throws this last fucking thing at the guy.
And the guy just stops and starts backing up towards her.
And I'm thinking he's just going to scare her.
He's going to bump her.
You know what I mean?
Give her the old fucking, you know, those bumpers.
Most of them are made out of fucking flexible plastic.
Figure worst case scenario, she's going to get a Joe Theismann.
This fucking guy bumped her and then just stomped on the gas and fucking backed
all the way over.
And continued to go and then fucking.
And it was what kills me.
I was just, I was like, oh my God.
I thought she was dead.
Dude, she got up.
It was like a cartoon.
Like, I thought that shit only happened in a cartoon.
I would think once you go underneath a fucking car that was going as fast as
this fucking guy.
I mean, you just got to think, man.
The rear axle.
You got the differential right there.
She's getting the right there, Fred, with the fucking differential.
Forget about the tires.
How the car is hot.
All of that shit.
How it didn't drag her down the fucking street.
It's one of the most brutal things I've ever seen.
Having said that, they're not all like that.
There's a lot of good fights on there if you like watching fights like I do.
I enjoy watching, you know, I like violence.
I like watching it.
I don't know why.
I like watching animals attack each other.
I like people fighting each other.
It's enjoyable to me.
But I also like, you know, I like playing horseshoes.
I like that.
What do you call that shit?
I made a reference to it.
My last special where they slide on the ice with that giant, like obese hockey
puck that has a handle on it.
Curling.
I like that, too.
I can watch that white dude with the afro do the paintings on Netflix.
You know, I'm going to put a happy tree right over there.
Is that what you're going to do?
Yeah, go ahead and do that shit.
I can watch the 700 Club.
I can do a lot of shit.
But at the end of the day, I still enjoy the violence.
All right.
Las Vegas awarded an NHL franchise.
Oh, fuck.
Jesus Christ.
What are they thinking?
What are they trying to become the NBA?
That, you know, I'll tell you right now.
If you think the fucking NBA is fixed now, wait till Vegas gets a fucking team.
Kevin Durant signing with Golden State Warriors.
Warriors would be mutually beneficial.
To who?
Warrior fans?
Steven Tyler says, the Aerosmith train won't keep it rolling after next tour.
Is the end near?
Jesus Christ.
That'd be one is more intense.
Mux calls Tesla's SolarCity deal no-brainer.
Investors disagree.
Dude, how is this Tesla guy, man?
This guy is just, he's fucking with, he's fucking with some old money.
So the guy who makes the Tesla car.
By the way, do you guys like Jaguars?
I like their entry-level one.
The fucking, you get the top-of-the-line sports model one.
You get it in that fucking British racing green.
I just wish you could get it in a stick.
Every cunt out here has got a fucking, it's basically their three series.
You know?
Which is really, you know, if you give a fuck, should be the highest series
that you buy.
Because some douche is going to come in and sideswipe you.
If you're lucky, maybe they leave a note.
All right, let's see what this guy's doing.
Ellen Musk inhabits a world of declarative superlattatives.
Well, whatever world that is, I don't know what any of those words mean.
Declarative superlattatives?
He lives in that world?
Well, no wonder he figured out how to make an electric car go that fucking fast.
He lives in a world of declarative superlattatives.
Jesus Christ.
There's a whole other fucking group of people I've never met.
How many are in there?
Shitting all over the place and fucking walking into guerrilla enclosures.
On a conference call with investors early Wednesday, Tesla CEO called his
company's $2.8 billion offer for a solar city a no-brainer.
That it's legally and morally correct.
A zero-doubt move that we should have done sooner.
I agree with all of this.
I don't know how much it should cost, though.
What's more, Musk trumpeted that the deal could help propel Tesla toward the
world's first trillion-dollar company as the solution to the Earth's climate
change problem.
Jesus, did Trump write this?
Analysts aren't so sure.
Well, who are the fucking analysts getting paid by?
The big oil companies?
Had a steep drop in Tesla's stock, down 10% in Wednesday's trading.
Whacking $3 billion off its lofty $32 billion market cap confirms investor
skepticism.
Well, fuck you.
You just don't want to see him do it.
Why can't the government give him some money the way they did the banks?
Fucking solar city, man.
You make weed legal, right?
You grow it under solar panels every morning.
Everybody, you know, there's like a continental breakfast, right?
You get eggs from chickens that still have their beaks, and they're not on roids
like Mark McGuire, right?
They got that little fucking waffle flippy thing.
You pour it in, and then you turn it over, you know?
Somebody sent me something today.
We're actually some scientist, which I'm sure he's underground, and he has no
corporate money behind him.
I don't know if I'm sure he's underground, but I don't know if I'm sure he's
underground.
I don't know if I'm sure he's underground, but I don't know if I'm sure he's
underground.
I don't know if I'm sure he's underground.
I don't know if I'm sure he's underground.
I don't know if I'm underground.
I don't know if I'm underground.
And he fucking said he was flying over the U.S., and he was looking down, and
just seeing how beautiful the country was.
And he was just looking at all the cities, though, as you went through, and how
dirty and filthy they were.
He said, we're like a fungus.
You know what I mean?
And if you could interview fungus or whatever virus out there that could kill
us, if you could talk to them, you know they don't think they're bad people.
You know, they don't have that perspective because they're just hanging around
with other viruses or people of the same virus.
You know what I mean?
Like, if you could interview a chicken and ask it what it thinks of human
beings, I mean, you wouldn't want to see it.
Remember the last episode of Seinfeld when everybody came back and talked about
what selfish pieces of shit?
Elaine, Jerry, fucking Diane, whatever the fuck, Kramer.
What was the other guy's name?
Eddie.
Anyways, they were talking about pieces of shit.
They were, yeah, chickens, dolphins, anybody.
Poisoned snakes, tigers, all of them.
They could just sit down and talk about us.
Yeah, they wouldn't like us.
You know what I mean?
And then, you know what?
They'd go back to all the Koran.
They'd go out to the fucking Bible, the Torah, all our religious books.
And just be like, yeah, they read this thing and then they think it's okay to
fucking do a bunch of shit to us.
Because some fat guy named Buddha said it was okay.
You know?
What do you guys think, like, the right population number should be?
You know?
And how would you get the number down?
At this point, I mean, drastic fucking measures.
You know?
They got to put something in the fucking water to just sterilize people.
And just act like it was a mistake.
Just have Monsanto do it.
You can't fucking sue them.
It's illegal.
Right?
Or whatever the fuck it is.
Whatever Obama signed.
The great liberal fucking president that he was.
Signed that fucking thing that said, you know, they didn't have to say that
their food was genetically altered.
Yeah, what a patriot, huh?
All these fucking cunts.
They're all the same.
Go do your fucking speeches for 500 grand a whack.
Go do that.
Go give your kid a fucking zillion dollar wedding.
You don't give a shit.
Right?
Solar city.
Yay or nay, what do you say?
Yay or nay, what do you say?
I say go ahead and fucking do it.
That's what you should do.
You know what would be great about a solar city?
Then we don't need the people's fucking oil in the Middle East.
And then they gradually just go bankrupt.
You know?
There's no money flying around there.
Then they don't have any money for a fucking nuclear warhead.
And then everybody just relaxes.
They go back to doing their shit.
We go back to doing our shit.
The reality is, is in both parts of the world, most people are just minding
their own fucking business.
It's the cunts up at the top that hang out with Hillary at the Bilderberg
meetings.
That they're the ones that just can't stand the fact that there's fucking
people living somewhere and they're not making any money off of them.
Oh, Jesus.
Who had a two out of a third of a Coors Light and is fucking saying things?
He's not reading things, people.
He's, oh, but he's saying things.
Let's go over to sports.
Well, this is a typical fucking sports story now.
Rape survivor finally faces Nebraska's Riley.
Dude, what the, I'm trying to, I'm trying to get away from this shit.
This belongs on the fucking sports page.
It's like they have a rape section, do they?
Is that right after the, uh, the Metro region?
All right.
Where is the sports?
John Jones says hatred for Daniel Cormier is fading.
No date is set for Tiger Woods return.
He's got to win another one.
He's got to win one more.
Um, after four decade wait, manager, great for, grateful for a job.
This is what it's like.
This ranking NBA's worst number one draft pick since 1989.
Of course they got Greg Oden there.
What they should just show is everybody, the Portland Trailblazers drafted over
the last 30 fucking years.
Oh, shit.
Oh, man.
I think I'll stay on this website.
I wasn't going to stay here, but all of a sudden I went.
I'm going to stay on this website.
I'm going to stay on this website.
I'm going to stay on this website.
I'm going to stay on this website.
I'm going to stay on this website.

Bill Burr - What's In The News

What happened today in the world? I have no fucking idea. I sat in a fucking
writer's room all goddamn day.
Let's see. Google News. Google News. All right. In the U.S., a comprehensive up-to-date
coverage aggregated.
All right. Sit and spin. Sit in Spurs late night clash. Oh, this is about the
gun shit.
The Daily Trail. Asian stocks wobble ahead of... Somebody cares about that.
Somebody has so much fucking money that that's going to... Who gives a fuck
what's going on with their stocks?
You know, once we became this giant financial fucking gangbang, it's just over.
Alligator that snatched two-year-old boy at Disney World has been killed.
How the fuck did they find it? It didn't eat him.
There was no evidence of the kid in him, right?
Somebody rat him out?
Some other fucking alligator? All right, man. It wasn't me.
I, you know, somebody was talking.
The fucking alligator probably snatched the kid and was like, Jesus Christ, it's
a fucking kid.
Thought it was a turtle. I don't want to get fucking sued.
They're going to kill me.
All the animals, they got to know it at this point.
That if you fucking... If you even fuck with a human being, we come down and we
track you down.
You know, we've done it to alligators, we've done it to sharks, we've done it
to gorillas.
That fucking alligator, the second he fucking saw his shirt, was just like,
that's not a turtle, right?
Spit the kid out and then fucking took off and it still wasn't enough.
We come back around like Bed Bug Eddie in fucking...
Fucking Pope of Greenwich Village.
Two alligators.
Not three.
Barney.
Some Irish fucking alligator. I don't owe him shit.
Coast Guard, cruise, find Barney and search for missing father.
Three teens.
Oh my God.
People are out of their fucking minds.
People go out on boats.
You know what I mean?
Stay on a lake.
A lake is brutal enough.
Just because it's a creepy thing, a lake is usually so fucking cold it never
gives up your body.
You just stay down there.
You know, it doesn't get warm enough for the gases in your gut to fucking make
you be a fucking floater.
You know that?
I learned that reading that book, The Westies.
That when they used to make people do the Houdini, as they say, you know, they'd
kill people and then they would chop them up.
Their big fucking thing was that you had to, you had to, you had to gut them.
You know?
Because if you didn't, you know, whatever happens, whatever happens when you
die, you know, there's probiotics for the good bacteria in your gut.
Then there's a bad bacteria.
That bad bacteria that exists in your gut your whole fucking life sits there
waiting for you to die.
And when you die, it activates.
And that's what fucking makes you decompose.
According to the person two stools down from me at a diner one time.
All right?
Or maybe I saw it on the fucking internet.
I have no fucking idea.
On my way to a slap fight or some shit.
Whatever the fuck I was going to watch.
By the way, on Twitter, I got another good one.
Okay?
Worldstar, hip-hop.
You got to follow those guys.
And then there's 30-second fights.
Fucking unbelievable.
Watch the guy back a car over a woman today.
She was fucking up his car, right?
You know how women, when women flip out, whatever the fuck you did, cheated on
them or whatever.
They fuck up your property because they're not going to get arrested for it
because they have a fucking clan.
Right?
So this fucking, she's throwing shit at the guy.
And the guy's trying to drive away.
And she throws like three or four fucking things at him.
I don't know what it was.
And finally, she throws this last fucking thing at the guy.
And the guy just stops and starts backing up towards her.
And I'm thinking he's just going to scare her.
He's going to bump her.
You know what I mean?
Give her the old fucking, you know, those bumpers.
Most of them are made out of fucking flexible plastic.
Figure worst case scenario, she's going to get a Joe Theismann.
This fucking guy bumped her and then just stomped on the gas and fucking backed
all the way over.
And continued to go and then fucking.
And it was what kills me.
I was just, I was like, oh my God.
I thought she was dead.
Dude, she got up.
It was like a cartoon.
Like, I thought that shit only happened in a cartoon.
I would think once you go underneath a fucking car that was going as fast as
this fucking guy.
I mean, you just got to think, man.
The rear axle.
You got the differential right there.
She's getting the right there, Fred, with the fucking differential.
Forget about the tires.
How the car is hot.
All of that shit.
How it didn't drag her down the fucking street.
It's one of the most brutal things I've ever seen.
Having said that, they're not all like that.
There's a lot of good fights on there if you like watching fights like I do.
I enjoy watching, you know, I like violence.
I like watching it.
I don't know why.
I like watching animals attack each other.
I like people fighting each other.
It's enjoyable to me.
But I also like, you know, I like playing horseshoes.
I like that.
What do you call that shit?
I made a reference to it.
My last special where they slide on the ice with that giant, like obese hockey
puck that has a handle on it.
Curling.
I like that, too.
I can watch that white dude with the afro do the paintings on Netflix.
You know, I'm going to put a happy tree right over there.
Is that what you're going to do?
Yeah, go ahead and do that shit.
I can watch the 700 Club.
I can do a lot of shit.
But at the end of the day, I still enjoy the violence.
All right.
Las Vegas awarded an NHL franchise.
Oh, fuck.
Jesus Christ.
What are they thinking?
What are they trying to become the NBA?
That, you know, I'll tell you right now.
If you think the fucking NBA is fixed now, wait till Vegas gets a fucking team.
Kevin Durant signing with Golden State Warriors.
Warriors would be mutually beneficial.
To who?
Warrior fans?
Steven Tyler says, the Aerosmith train won't keep it rolling after next tour.
Is the end near?
Jesus Christ.
That'd be one is more intense.
Mux calls Tesla's SolarCity deal no-brainer.
Investors disagree.
Dude, how is this Tesla guy, man?
This guy is just, he's fucking with, he's fucking with some old money.
So the guy who makes the Tesla car.
By the way, do you guys like Jaguars?
I like their entry-level one.
The fucking, you get the top-of-the-line sports model one.
You get it in that fucking British racing green.
I just wish you could get it in a stick.
Every cunt out here has got a fucking, it's basically their three series.
You know?
Which is really, you know, if you give a fuck, should be the highest series
that you buy.
Because some douche is going to come in and sideswipe you.
If you're lucky, maybe they leave a note.
All right, let's see what this guy's doing.
Ellen Musk inhabits a world of declarative superlattatives.
Well, whatever world that is, I don't know what any of those words mean.
Declarative superlattatives?
He lives in that world?
Well, no wonder he figured out how to make an electric car go that fucking fast.
He lives in a world of declarative superlattatives.
Jesus Christ.
There's a whole other fucking group of people I've never met.
How many are in there?
Shitting all over the place and fucking walking into guerrilla enclosures.
On a conference call with investors early Wednesday, Tesla CEO called his
company's $2.8 billion offer for a solar city a no-brainer.
That it's legally and morally correct.
A zero-doubt move that we should have done sooner.
I agree with all of this.
I don't know how much it should cost, though.
What's more, Musk trumpeted that the deal could help propel Tesla toward the
world's first trillion-dollar company as the solution to the Earth's climate
change problem.
Jesus, did Trump write this?
Analysts aren't so sure.
Well, who are the fucking analysts getting paid by?
The big oil companies?
Had a steep drop in Tesla's stock, down 10% in Wednesday's trading.
Whacking $3 billion off its lofty $32 billion market cap confirms investor
skepticism.
Well, fuck you.
You just don't want to see him do it.
Why can't the government give him some money the way they did the banks?
Fucking solar city, man.
You make weed legal, right?
You grow it under solar panels every morning.
Everybody, you know, there's like a continental breakfast, right?
You get eggs from chickens that still have their beaks, and they're not on roids
like Mark McGuire, right?
They got that little fucking waffle flippy thing.
You pour it in, and then you turn it over, you know?
Somebody sent me something today.
We're actually some scientist, which I'm sure he's underground, and he has no
corporate money behind him.
I don't know if I'm sure he's underground, but I don't know if I'm sure he's
underground.
I don't know if I'm sure he's underground, but I don't know if I'm sure he's
underground.
I don't know if I'm sure he's underground.
I don't know if I'm sure he's underground.
I don't know if I'm underground.
I don't know if I'm underground.
And he fucking said he was flying over the U.S., and he was looking down, and
just seeing how beautiful the country was.
And he was just looking at all the cities, though, as you went through, and how
dirty and filthy they were.
He said, we're like a fungus.
You know what I mean?
And if you could interview fungus or whatever virus out there that could kill
us, if you could talk to them, you know they don't think they're bad people.
You know, they don't have that perspective because they're just hanging around
with other viruses or people of the same virus.
You know what I mean?
Like, if you could interview a chicken and ask it what it thinks of human
beings, I mean, you wouldn't want to see it.
Remember the last episode of Seinfeld when everybody came back and talked about
what selfish pieces of shit?
Elaine, Jerry, fucking Diane, whatever the fuck, Kramer.
What was the other guy's name?
Eddie.
Anyways, they were talking about pieces of shit.
They were, yeah, chickens, dolphins, anybody.
Poisoned snakes, tigers, all of them.
They could just sit down and talk about us.
Yeah, they wouldn't like us.
You know what I mean?
And then, you know what?
They'd go back to all the Koran.
They'd go out to the fucking Bible, the Torah, all our religious books.
And just be like, yeah, they read this thing and then they think it's okay to
fucking do a bunch of shit to us.
Because some fat guy named Buddha said it was okay.
You know?
What do you guys think, like, the right population number should be?
You know?
And how would you get the number down?
At this point, I mean, drastic fucking measures.
You know?
They got to put something in the fucking water to just sterilize people.
And just act like it was a mistake.
Just have Monsanto do it.
You can't fucking sue them.
It's illegal.
Right?
Or whatever the fuck it is.
Whatever Obama signed.
The great liberal fucking president that he was.
Signed that fucking thing that said, you know, they didn't have to say that
their food was genetically altered.
Yeah, what a patriot, huh?
All these fucking cunts.
They're all the same.
Go do your fucking speeches for 500 grand a whack.
Go do that.
Go give your kid a fucking zillion dollar wedding.
You don't give a shit.
Right?
Solar city.
Yay or nay, what do you say?
Yay or nay, what do you say?
I say go ahead and fucking do it.
That's what you should do.
You know what would be great about a solar city?
Then we don't need the people's fucking oil in the Middle East.
And then they gradually just go bankrupt.
You know?
There's no money flying around there.
Then they don't have any money for a fucking nuclear warhead.
And then everybody just relaxes.
They go back to doing their shit.
We go back to doing our shit.
The reality is, is in both parts of the world, most people are just minding
their own fucking business.
It's the cunts up at the top that hang out with Hillary at the Bilderberg
meetings.
That they're the ones that just can't stand the fact that there's fucking
people living somewhere 