Name: Bill Burr - Tennis & Golf Shirts / Malls / Going To A Movie
Uploaded: 2016-06-28T00:44:52.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Tennis & Golf Shirts / Malls / Going To A Movie' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-06-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Tennis & Golf Shirts / Malls / Going To A Movie' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-06-28. Transcript available.

I was speaking of my wife. Oh, let me tell you my wife. It's a rough one, you
know.
I got this new thing that I'm into, man.
And you'd think it wouldn't be a big deal.
I like fucking tennis and golf shirts.
I like them. They're comfortable. They're breathable. It's a college shirt.
People let you into restaurants when you wear them, and she fucking hates them.
I like the eyes on tennis wear.
So today, I'm walking out of the house to go meet a buddy of mine,
and I got one of those on, and I got these fucking Phil Mickelson shorts,
whatever the fuck they are. They're just black shorts or whatever.
So as I'm walking out, I go, all right, I'll see you later.
She goes, all right.
She goes, till Tiger Woods, they said, what's up?
She fucking hates how I dress.
And this is one of these things where, you know, as much as you want to remain
your own person when you're in a relationship.
When the person you fucking says you don't look good, it affects you.
But this is how comfortable these fucking shirts are.
I don't think I give a shit.
I think for the first time ever, I don't care that my wife doesn't approve of
what the fuck I'm wearing.
They are that fucking comfortable.
You never have to iron them.
They're great.
They're fucking great.
So I was at the mall there.
I really should fucking, this is just like free advertising for all these
fucking people.
What's the shit that the honor roll student wears?
What's it called?
Body armor?
Yeah, we're not taking that shit in our house.
Clothes, whatever's over the top fucking sports thing.
Armorware, underarm, whatever the fuck it is.
You know what it is.
Defense shields.
Some fucking Space Odyssey shit.
You know the fucking thing.
The thing that Steph Curry wears.
It's not underarm.
Under armor.
That's what it is.
Under arms.
Deodorant pill.
Under armor.
Right?
They got some fucking, they got some great clothes.
So I knew, I knew she didn't like that shit because I said to her for my
birthday.
I go, I don't fucking either.
You know what I would love though?
The summer's here.
And the time is right for wearing some golf clothes.
Um, so I told her that, uh, you know, I told her, just give me a couple of
those shirts,
some pairs of shorts and I'll be fine.
I'll be good.
She's like, I, and usually she's such into fashion.
She gets excited when I tell her the clothes and you know, my fucking, uh,
birthday comes
along and I got to tell you, there was not a hint of any of that shit.
So I called her on it like a couple of days ago.
I said, Hey, you know, uh, I noticed, you know, I asked you for those things.
They're not expensive.
You were right there.
And it was an easy, it was an easy gift to get me to pad, you know, make it
look like
you actually spent time shopping, you know, which is why I always go and I get
a little
some workout clothes.
That's always an extra, yeah, you go right there, Fred, you give a couple more
and it
looks like you give a shit, you know, more than you, yeah, I'm not saying you
don't give
a shit, but who the fuck wants to shop?
Nobody.
All right.
I don't want to do it.
Therefore, nobody wants to do it.
That's how, that's my worldview.
Okay.
I'm really starting to learn from Trump.
If I feel something, then, um, everybody else also feels it.
And if they don't, then we should ram it down their throats.
And somewhere in there, we take their coats.
Isn't that how it works?
Um, have you ever seen a guy like less tough in your life?
Talk so fucking tough.
Like, I don't know.
I don't understand.
Like he, he's mistaking having money with actually being physically
intimidating.
Um, with that stupid scowl on his face.
I don't know if like Gene Simmons had a brother that didn't make it.
That wasn't in a band.
That's what he looks like.
He looks like he's related to Gene Simmons and he resents Gene's success.
Um, anyways, plowing ahead here.
So my wife fucking hates this shit.
I called her on it.
I was just going like, you, you, you didn't like that stuff, did you?
And she just fucking started smiling, looking down at her food.
And, um, I was over there today and I, I was going to stop and go in and buy
some.
And, uh, I didn't.
And the only reason why I didn't is because it's Sunday and it's a mall.
And, um, that's just like, I don't know.
I don't know what it is.
I don't know what it is about the weekends and malls.
It's not, I understand kids going there, teenagers going there.
Cause then you run into other teenagers and you fucking go like, Hey, will you
go out with me?
Right?
You do that shit.
At least that's what we did when we were of that age.
But like parents, like, I just don't understand what, why would you go there?
Especially if you get like some little kid and you got to fucking push them
around in that goddamn stroller, trying to weave in and out of all those people.
I just can't imagine the fucking misery of that.
You know, that's definitely a wife idea.
You know, we should go to the mall today.
I don't want to go to the mall.
You know, I have all these theories as to why men die before women.
And, uh, you know what it is?
Women have to include you in their shitty day.
You know, I fucking, um, it was my sister-in-law's birthday this weekend.
Right?
So we ended up going to a, uh, to a movie.
I was all excited.
We saw, what did we see?
We saw, uh, Independence Day.
Woo!
It was actually so bad, it was good.
We actually ended up having a great time.
And, uh, I don't want to ruin the movie, but, like, the fact that the white guy
president has to come back, you know, and get shit done is a little fucked up.
You know, Hollywood tries to be liberal.
You know, they'll have a chick president.
They'll have a black guy flying a fucking jet and all that type of shit.
But at the end of the day, they bring back the old founding father to come in
and save the day.
Anyway, so I had a great time doing that, right?
So the next night, you know, my wife's going to go meet some friends.
I think it was actually, it was a continuation of the birthday celebration, and
I was actually tired, so I wasn't going to go.
So, um, I was just like, you know what?
I'm going to hang in.
Um, I have a ton of shit to do, because, you know, I sit in a writer's room all
fucking day.
So she goes, fine, cool.
I'm like, great.
This is perfect.
I'll get a bunch of shit done, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and all that
type of stuff.
So right around the time, it's time for her to go, right?
And I'm about ready to have a beer or anything, and she just goes, can you
drive me over?
She didn't say it like that, but that's what she probably said, honey, can you
drive me over?
But, like, because I didn't want to do it, that's what it sounded like.
And I was just like, you can't, why don't you drive yourself over?
And she's just like, I'm going to have a drink.
And so I go full fucking Uber.
She's like, but I want you to take me, you know?
And I just went, like, why can't, you know, I'm home.
Why do you got to drink?
You're the one who's going across fucking town.
You're going across town.
Why do I got to go across town, too?
You know why?
You don't fucking know why.
Because at the end of the fucking day, if they have something shitty to do,
they can't do it, they can't fucking do it on their own.
Somehow, you got to be involved.
That's like when they have a fucking kid now.
They drag the husband in there.
What the fuck is he doing in there?
What the fuck is he doing in there?
He's not a doctor.
Do you know, I know a guy went in there, he fucking saw what was going on, he
passed out.
Now they got two patients.
What the fuck is the, you know?
Well, if I have to go through this, well, fucking talk to God.
Talk to God.
For once.
For once.
For once.
The shit ran your way.
And now I got to go in there, too, so you can hold my fucking hand and break my
goddamn finger.
That's fucking, that is the fact that fucking men gave into that shit.
That you got to fucking be in there.
Is the, if you were getting fucking gallbladder surgery, would I be standing in
there holding your fucking hand?
I don't know.
But I guess if fucking him gave him gallbladders, I, I, I don't know, not gallbladders,
kidney stones or some shit.
I guess you'd have to be, it's the dumbest shit in the fucking, it's the stupidest
shit ever.
My wife has talked to me.
If we have every kid, are you going to go in there?
I was like, no.
She got so fucking mad at me over a hypothetical child.
You know, if I was smarter, I just would have, I'm getting smarter, though.
If I was smarter, smart married guys go, well, absolutely, I don't know, I don't
know, I don't know, I'll be right here.
If there was a way to put the baby in me, I would fucking shit it out my ass.
Do anything for you, sweetheart?
Right?
Oh, I'm getting heated here, right?
I'm getting smarter, though, as a married man, because I'll tell you this right
now.
The other, when we went to go see the movie, I got there first.
Okay?
And I got there, it was a 7 o'clock show, I got there by like 6.30.
And I was like, fuck, you know, I got time.
Maybe I'll, you know, it was a place to get a sandwich, I didn't want to eat
movie food.
So I got a wrap, and then they fucking had a beer, too.
And by the way, every fucking time I ordered this, this beer from Mexico, it
fucking sucks.
I'm not saying all their beer stinks, but I gotta tell you, a little bit, let
me tell you.
That fucking beer stinks.
I'm gonna get you the name of this, right, fucking, this is gonna be a reverse
commercial.
There it is.
What the fuck is that shit called?
Modelo?
Hang on a second, I think that's what it's called.
It is the fucking most bitter, hoppy, fucking, it's like a job, trying to get
the thing down.
But it was still a beer, so at the end of the day, it's not all bad.
So I'm sipping this beer, I'm having this sandwich, I got plenty of time to eat
it, I'm fucking relaxed.
My wife, the lovely Nia, she texts me.
She goes, hey, I'm almost there.
And I, like a dope, I started to text.
Hey, I'm already here.
I'm having a sandwich and a beer.
Okay?
Now this is the deal, for all you youngsters out there.
One of the things women hate the most is when their guy is having fun without
them.
Alright?
So any fucking time you're having a good time and they're not there, you gotta,
how's it
going?
Ah, you know, it's kind of crowded.
You always say it sucks.
Okay?
If you're having a good time and they're not there, it's fine.
I'm gonna make you take me.
And you're gonna have to fucking deal with that shit, right?
This is the thing.
My wife is as cool as it gets.
Alright?
And I still have to go through this shit.
So I almost fucking texted her.
I'm sitting here, having a wrap, enjoying a fucking beer, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah.
And then, you know what?
I was like, what the fuck am I doing?
If I say this, she's gonna then say, can you get me one?
Or she's gonna tell me to go over and go get the fucking tickets.
She's gonna give me a job.
There's no fucking way she's gonna allow me to just sit here and relax and
enjoy this sandwich
and this beer that I fucking paid for.
I've worked all fucking day.
What am I, a fucking asshole?
So I just erased all of it.
And rather than saying all of that, you know, I'm on my way over here.
Oh, I'm sitting here having a sandwich and a beer.
I erased all of that and I just wrote, okay, send.
That was it.
I didn't say I was there.
I didn't say I wasn't there.
And I sat there and I enjoyed it, even though that beer was not my favorite.
And then I ended up walking over and I ran into my sister.
And then I, and then like a dope, I text my wife going, yeah, I'm just, uh, you
know, I'm here with your sister-in-law, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And then she immediately texts back, okay, buy the tickets immediately.
Fucking here's a job for you.
Here's a fucking job.
You know?
And she always goes, well, I'm just trying to streamline our lives.
No, you're not.
No, you're not.
You're treating me like your fucking assistant.
Um, 37 minutes.
Holy fuck.
What am I doing here?
So that's one for you.
Okay.
This is what you do.
You kiss them.
You tell them you love them.
You tell them they're beautiful every fucking day.
But I tell you this, okay?
When you're having a good time and they're not there, you never, ever tell them
you're having a good time.
No fucking pictures.
None of that shit.
Because they will sit there and they'll either, you'll, you'll, you'll sit
there.
You'll be that guy.
You know that guy on the, on the, while everybody's having a good time, the guy
in the corner who's on the phone talking to his girl.
Why is he talking to his girl?
Because he told her he was having fun.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Get your fucking head in the game.
Okay.

Bill Burr - Tennis & Golf Shirts / Malls / Going To A Movie

I was speaking of my wife. Oh, let me tell you my wife. It's a rough one, you
know.
I got this new thing that I'm into, man.
And you'd think it wouldn't be a big deal.
I like fucking tennis and golf shirts.
I like them. They're comfortable. They're breathable. It's a college shirt.
People let you into restaurants when you wear them, and she fucking hates them.
I like the eyes on tennis wear.
So today, I'm walking out of the house to go meet a buddy of mine,
and I got one of those on, and I got these fucking Phil Mickelson shorts,
whatever the fuck they are. They're just black shorts or whatever.
So as I'm walking out, I go, all right, I'll see you later.
She goes, all right.
She goes, till Tiger Woods, they said, what's up?
She fucking hates how I dress.
And this is one of these things where, you know, as much as you want to remain
your own person when you're in a relationship.
When the person you fucking says you don't look good, it affects you.
But this is how comfortable these fucking shirts are.
I don't think I give a shit.
I think for the first time ever, I don't care that my wife doesn't approve of
what the fuck I'm wearing.
They are that fucking comfortable.
You never have to iron them.
They're great.
They're fucking great.
So I was at the mall there.
I really should fucking, this is just like free advertising for all these
fucking people.
What's the shit that the honor roll student wears?
What's it called?
Body armor?
Yeah, we're not taking that shit in our house.
Clothes, whatever's over the top fucking sports thing.
Armorware, underarm, whatever the fuck it is.
You know what it is.
Defense shields.
Some fucking Space Odyssey shit.
You know the fucking thing.
The thing that Steph Curry wears.
It's not underarm.
Under armor.
That's what it is.
Under arms.
Deodorant pill.
Under armor.
Right?
They got some fucking, they got some great clothes.
So I knew, I knew she didn't like that shit because I said to her for my
birthday.
I go, I don't fucking either.
You know what I would love though?
The summer's here.
And the time is right for wearing some golf clothes.
Um, so I told her that, uh, you know, I told her, just give me a couple of
those shirts,
some pairs of shorts and I'll be fine.
I'll be good.
She's like, I, and usually she's such into fashion.
She gets excited when I tell her the clothes and you know, my fucking, uh,
birthday comes
along and I got to tell you, there was not a hint of any of that shit.
So I called her on it like a couple of days ago.
I said, Hey, you know, uh, I noticed, you know, I asked you for those things.
They're not expensive.
You were right there.
And it was an easy, it was an easy gift to get me to pad, you know, make it
look like
you actually spent time shopping, you know, which is why I always go and I get
a little
some workout clothes.
That's always an extra, yeah, you go right there, Fred, you give a couple more
and it
looks like you give a shit, you know, more than you, yeah, I'm not saying you
don't give
a shit, but who the fuck wants to shop?
Nobody.
All right.
I don't want to do it.
Therefore, nobody wants to do it.
That's how, that's my worldview.
Okay.
I'm really starting to learn from Trump.
If I feel something, then, um, everybody else also feels it.
And if they don't, then we should ram it down their throats.
And somewhere in there, we take their coats.
Isn't that how it works?
Um, have you ever seen a guy like less tough in your life?
Talk so fucking tough.
Like, I don't know.
I don't understand.
Like he, he's mistaking having money with actually being physically
intimidating.
Um, with that stupid scowl on his face.
I don't know if like Gene Simmons had a brother that didn't make it.
That wasn't in a band.
That's what he looks like.
He looks like he's related to Gene Simmons and he resents Gene's success.
Um, anyways, plowing ahead here.
So my wife fucking hates this shit.
I called her on it.
I was just going like, you, you, you didn't like that stuff, did you?
And she just fucking started smiling, looking down at her food.
And, um, I was over there today and I, I was going to stop and go in and buy
some.
And, uh, I didn't.
And the only reason why I didn't is because it's Sunday and it's a mall.
And, um, that's just like, I don't know.
I don't know what it is.
I don't know what it is about the weekends and malls.
It's not, I understand kids going there, teenagers going there.
Cause then you run into other teenagers and you fucking go like, Hey, will you
go out with me?
Right?
You do that shit.
At least that's what we did when we were of that age.
But like parents, like, I just don't understand what, why would you go there?
Especially if you get like some little kid and you got to fucking push them
around in that goddamn stroller, trying to weave in and out of all those people.
I just can't imagine the fucking misery of that.
You know, that's definitely a wife idea.
You know, we should go to the mall today.
I don't want to go to the mall.
You know, I have all these theories as to why men die before women.
And, uh, you know what it is?
Women have to include you in their shitty day.
You know, I fucking, um, it was my sister-in-law's birthday this weekend.
Right?
So we ended up going to a, uh, to a movie.
I was all excited.
We saw, what did we see?
We saw, uh, Independence Day.
Woo!
It was actually so bad, it was good.
We actually ended up having a great time.
And, uh, I don't want to ruin the movie, but, like, the fact that the white guy
president has to come back, you know, and get shit done is a little fucked up.
You know, Hollywood tries to be liberal.
You know, they'll have a chick president.
They'll have a black guy flying a fucking jet and all that type of shit.
But at the end of the day, they bring back the old founding father to come in
and save the day.
Anyway, so I had a great time doing that, right?
So the next night, you know, my wife's going to go meet some friends.
I think it was actually, it was a continuation of the birthday celebration, and
I was actually tired, so I wasn't going to go.
So, um, I was just like, you know what?
I'm going to hang in.
Um, I have a ton of shit to do, because, you know, I sit in a writer's room all
fucking day.
So she goes, fine, cool.
I'm like, great.
This is perfect.
I'll get a bunch of shit done, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and all that
type of stuff.
So right around the time, it's time for her to go, right?
And I'm about ready to have a beer or anything, and she just goes, can you
drive me over?
She didn't say it like that, but that's what she probably said, honey, can you
drive me over?
But, like, because I didn't want to do it, that's what it sounded like.
And I was just like, you can't, why don't you drive yourself over?
And she's just like, I'm going to have a drink.
And so I go full fucking Uber.
She's like, but I want you to take me, you know?
And I just went, like, why can't, you know, I'm home.
Why do you got to drink?
You're the one who's going across fucking town.
You're going across town.
Why do I got to go across town, too?
You know why?
You don't fucking know why.
Because at the end of the fucking day, if they have something shitty to do,
they can't do it, they can't fucking do it on their own.
Somehow, you got to be involved.
That's like when they have a fucking kid now.
They drag the husband in there.
What the fuck is he doing in there?
What the fuck is he doing in there?
He's not a doctor.
Do you know, I know a guy went in there, he fucking saw what was going on, he
passed out.
Now they got two patients.
What the fuck is the, you know?
Well, if I have to go through this, well, fucking talk to God.
Talk to God.
For once.
For once.
For once.
The shit ran your way.
And now I got to go in there, too, so you can hold my fucking hand and break my
goddamn finger.
That's fucking, that is the fact that fucking men gave into that shit.
That you got to fucking be in there.
Is the, if you were getting fucking gallbladder surgery, would I be standing in
there holding your fucking hand?
I don't know.
But I guess if fucking him gave him gallbladders, I, I, I don't know, not gallbladders,
kidney stones or some shit.
I guess you'd have to be, it's the dumbest shit in the fucking, it's the stupidest
shit ever.
My wife has talked to me.
If we have every kid, are you going to go in there?
I was like, no.
She got so fucking mad at me over a hypothetical child.
You know, if I was smarter, I just would have, I'm getting smarter, though.
If I was smarter, smart married guys go, well, absolutely, I don't know, I don't
know, I don't know, I'll be right here.
If there was a way to put the baby in me, I would fucking shit it out my ass.
Do anything for you, sweetheart?
Right?
Oh, I'm getting heated here, right?
I'm getting smarter, though, as a married man, because I'll tell you this right
now.
The other, when we went to go see the movie, I got there first.
Okay?
And I got there, it was a 7 o'clock show, I got there by like 6.30.
And I was like, fuck, you know, I got time.
Maybe I'll, you know, it was a place to get a sandwich, I didn't want to eat
movie food.
So I got a wrap, and then they fucking had a beer, too.
And by the way, every fucking time I ordered this, this beer from Mexico, it
fucking sucks.
I'm not saying all their beer stinks, but I gotta tell you, a little bit, let
me tell you.
That fucking beer stinks.
I'm gonna get you the name of this, right, fucking, this is gonna be a reverse
commercial.
There it is.
What the fuck is that shit called?
Modelo?
Hang on a second, I think that's what it's called.
It is the fucking most bitter, hoppy, fucking, it's like a job, trying to get
the thing down.
But it was still a beer, so at the end of the day, it's not all bad.
So I'm sipping this beer, I'm having this sandwich, I got plenty of time to eat
it, I'm fucking relaxed.
My wife, the lovely Nia, she texts me.
She goes, hey, I'm almost there.
And I, like a dope, I started to text.
Hey, I'm already here.
I'm having a sandwich and a beer.
Okay?
Now this is the deal, for all you youngsters out there.
One of the things women hate the most is when their guy is having fun without
them.
Alright?
So any fucking time you're having a good time and they're not there, you gotta,
how's it
going?
Ah, you know, it's kind of crowded.
You always say it sucks.
Okay?
If you're having a good time and they're not there, it's fine.
I'm gonna make you take me.
And you're gonna have to fucking deal with that shit, right?
This is the thing.
My wife is as cool as it gets.
Alright?
And I still have to go through this shit.
So I almost fucking texted her.
I'm sitting here, having a wrap, enjoying a fucking beer, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah.
And then, you know what?
I was like, what the fuck am I doing?
If I say this, she's gonna then say, can you get me one?
Or she's gonna tell me to go over and go get the fucking tickets.
She's gonna give me a job.
There's no fucking way she's gonna allow me to just sit here and relax and
enjoy this sandwich
and this beer that I fucking paid for.
I've worked all fucking day.
What am I, a fucking asshole?
So I just erased all of it.
And rather than saying all of that, you know, I'm on my way over here.
Oh, I'm sitting here having a sandwich and a beer.
I erased all of that and I just wrote, okay, send.
That was it.
I didn't say I was there.
I didn't say I wasn't there.
And I sat there and I enjoyed it, even though that beer was not my favorite.
And then I ended up walking over and I ran into my sister.
And then I, and then like a dope, I text my wife going, yeah, I'm just, uh, you
know, I'm here with your sister-in-law, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And then she immediately texts back, okay, buy the tickets immediately.
Fucking here's a job for you.
Here's a fucking job.
You know?
And she always goes, well, I'm just trying to streamline our lives.
No, you're not.
No, you're not.
You're treating me like your fucking assistant.
Um, 37 minutes.
Holy fuck.
What am I doing h