Name: Bill Burr - Time Life Easy Listening Love Songs
Uploaded: 2016-07-04T23:43:25.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Time Life Easy Listening Love Songs' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-07-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Time Life Easy Listening Love Songs' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-07-04. Transcript available.

So now I'm feeling all proud of myself. I got my little fucking sippy drink
there
and I put on the TV because I'm not ready to go to bed yet and what do I see?
Time Life Books or whatever. Time Life Records presents
easy listening love songs, right? And I'm sitting there watching it, right?
I'm not in love, so don't fucking ask me
I'll put your picture on the wall
cause it's a stain there, right? I'm like, I remember that fucking
song? And who can forget this one? Engelbert
Humperdinck, please release me
let me go
Geez, you ever listen to the lyrics of that song? It's like, for fuck's sake,
just break up with
her. He literally says something like, I'm talking about
I found a new love. Her lips are warm and yours are so
cold. It's like, Engelbert, just enough with the fucking details
just break up with you. Just say, look
I'm not in love with you anymore. You don't
gotta bring up the other fucking broad down the
street who's got your heart racing
you fucking cunt
it's such a cunty song, but you know
I heard it when I was younger
so I'm listening to all of these
fucking songs. God
doesn't make little green apples
and fucking something, something
bad. The next thing you know, I'm on the phone
calling 1-800 and give me those fucking CDs
so the guy picks up the phone
and he goes, hey, this is Rob from Time
Life Records. Who am I speaking to this evening?
I'm like, you're speaking to Bill, Rob
How you doing, buddy? I'm doing great
What can I do you for? I'm like, well, you know
I'm watching Engelberg Humperdinck
giving this broad too much information
but, you know, I like the sound of it
I want to order the CDs
and he goes, great, great
can I get a phone number?
I'm like, no, you can't
I'm not giving you my phone number
he goes, well, then I can't complete this order
just like that
like I was the 90th person in a row
that said, I'm not giving you my phone number
right
and he was tired of hearing it
he gave me the old right there, Fred
well, then I can't do the order
is there anything else I can help you with?
and I'm like, well, hey, Rob
well, what's going on?
we just went from zero to 200 here
why do I have to give you my phone number?
and he's like, oh
you have to get the phone number
so we can complete the order
it's like, I understand you're saying that
but I'm asking you why
and he goes, oh, it's because it's company policy
and I'm like, why is it company policy?
he goes, because I need the phone number
in order to complete the order
I go, okay, see what we just did there?
we just drove in a circle
okay, I'm trying to get out of the centrifugal
fucking force here
and get over to the reason
the fucking reason, right?
and he finally just goes
well, you know, the reason is
that if there's a problem with your order
we need to call you
and it's just like
well, if there's a problem with the order
meaning you're charging my card
and the CDs don't ever come
you don't think I'm not going to call you?
you literally had when I called up
if there's a problem with your order
press 2
so we just keep going round and round
I go, you just want the phone number
and I go, not you personally
but Time Life does
so they can sell it to other people
next thing you know
I'm walking my dog
and some cunt is calling me up
going, congratulations
you're the lucky business winner
of whatever, right?
so it fucking escalates
to a really hostile
you have a good night, sir
I'm like, you have a good night too, Rob
right?
hang up
and I'm sitting there for a second
right?
doing the whisper yelling
fucking cocksuckers
think I'm fucking stupid enough
to give you my phone number
right?
all by myself
like a complete lunatic
you know?
and in the background
the fucking commercial's still on
muskrat
and I'm sitting there
fucking cocksucking motherfuckers
right?
just fucking send me
the fucking shit
I bought this before
I never had to give you
my phone number
three easy payments
a $29.95
right?
you're getting my fucking money
you're gonna call me up
hey, this is Rob
from Time Life
just calling the check
to see if you got those CDs
right?
so anyways
I really want these fucking CDs
so I call back again
and for some reason
I decided to just go into
a southern accent
and
I was like
when they asked me
for their phone number
I'm just
for my phone number
I'm just gonna give them
their phone number
see if they
they notice
like, can I get your phone number?
sure
1-800
right?
I was gonna do that shit
but
what happened was
by the time
the lady picked up
it was the end
of the infomercial
and it went on
to something else
you know
something that either
makes you skinny
or fucking
helps clean up
after your goddamn kids
I forget what it was
right?
so she
she answers the phone
she's like
hey, this is
sound
blah blah blah
from fucking time
and I'm like
how you doing?
I like to order
them
easy listening
CDs
five easy payments
$29.95
she's like
okay
can I get a name?
who am I speaking to?
I'm like
Bill
Bill Burr
right?
totally does not sound
like a southern name
whatever southern
Billy Joe
Bill Burr
and she goes
can I get a phone number?
I just decided
I was just gonna
give her area codes
I was like
my phone number
is 818
323
212
5
and she goes
okay
that number is
818
323
2125
I'm like
yes it is
yes ma'am
just lied
I got my tapes
they're gonna
fucking show up
right?
my CDs
no fucking problem
I gave them
a fake email
I think I said
too damn tall
at AOL.com
I don't know
what that means
can I get an email
alright
it's
2
the number 2
number 2
and
D-A-M-N
tall
like I didn't say
damn
like I was trying
to be polite
so then she had
to read it back
so that email
is
number 2
D-A-M-N
tall
at AOL.com
I'm like
that's right
yes it is
and I got
them coming
five fucking
CDs
five CDs
for 30 bucks
three payments
I don't know
what the fuck
it was
that's gonna
be a lot
of CDs
you know
what's funny
my Prius
still has
a CD
holder
when my new
car gets
here it won't
and then
what the fuck
do I do
well I know
what I do
I sell them
for one easy
payment of
$9.95
on eBay
you know
and no
phone numbers
required
just give me
a fucking
address
and I'll
send it
to you
what do you
think about
that