Name: Bill Burr - Living With A Woman / Cleaning Up
Uploaded: 2016-07-04T23:50:29.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Living With A Woman / Cleaning Up' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-07-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Living With A Woman / Cleaning Up' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-07-04. Transcript available.

hey what's going on it's bill burn it's time for the monday morning podcast for
monday
july 4th 2016 how's it going happy birthday to the united states of america
happy birthday to the united states of america
happy birthday united states of america and the north american continent
happy birthday to you what's going on and uh thank you for the well wishes of
happy birthday from all
the other countries around the world that realize we are the best huh you think
you got fat people
huh take a look at that beat that motherfuckers what else you think you can
beat us in huh
what do you want what do you want to have what do you what kind of fucking
battle you want
all you cunts around the world you stole our jeans all those cool american
jeans you guys would
defect from your country just to get over here to get a pair of button fly
fucking 501 blues remember
that shit all of a sudden you know a couple of fucking wars and everybody
forgets how much you
loved our jeans that's you know what that's just typical that is just fucking
typical you know
fucking england coming over here stealing it re-fucking cycling our fucking
music walking around like they're
doing something
redoing the fucking music from the people that we didn't accept
fuck are you guys doing um anyways um
i'm having a great three-day fucking weekend i'm not doing shit i am uh i'm
back in uh the workout
mode so the needle is pointed in the right direction old freckles is going down
down down
fucking looked in the mirror last night and i could tell i was starting to lose
weight made me feel good
you know what i mean it's it's a fucking tough thing being a redhead you know
it's a really small
window that you have to exist in or else the beatings start again and it's
really something
you can't understand um all right i'm all over the fucking place i got a bunch
of shit i have to do
i'm having some family over today for a fucking cookout i'm going easy this
year rather than trying to
smoke something and blah blah blah and do all that shit i'm just fucking going
burgers and dogs
burgers and dogs the way it used to be before the fucking food network showed
up and everybody's got
to be like a top chef you know remember you were growing up that's what it was
it was burgers and
dogs and everybody was fucking happy right until the boo started going around
then yeah and it got a
little sideways but i mean it happens so uh yesterday um had some friends over
we had some cigars
right and uh you know the deal it's like all right your buddies are coming over
your wife's gonna be
like how long are they gonna bear um even if they're cool like my wife's cool
but there's always gonna be
an element of how are they gonna bear they're gonna be loud are they gonna be
upstairs and downstairs
it's like yeah i'm having people over do i do that when you have a little twat
party do i if you have
them over for the fucking wines and you're all sitting there laughing with your
high-pitched
fucking voices you don't think that that's putting cracks in the walls i don't
i don't fucking bitch
about it i go down to the old fucking hardware store i get out the spackle
right
and with every little cackle right another fucking line in the wall you don't
hear me complaining
got my putty knife out oh you have a good time ladies right um anyways uh so we
have we were uh
hanging out it's actually fucking hilarious because i'd gone out and i bought
you know got some cuban
cigars oh what a fuckhead i cleaned everything up right the thing that what you
want to do this is
what i've realized when you're living with a woman what you want to do is you
just go all out right
you fuck i cleaned the fucking place up okay i even like like the deck on the
back like i fucking
hosed it off so there wouldn't be traipsing dirt in and out of the house or
whatever right
and she's sitting there going like wow you're really going all out yeah there's
a reason
sam kidderson there's a fucking reason there's a fucking reason why because
what you want to do
is what you're doing is you just put yourself into a position where you did
absolutely nothing wrong
so when they complain because they're still going to complain you got all of
this fucking ammo
right i cleaned this whole fucking place up right cleaned out the back porch
down the backyard
the whole fucking thing cleaned it up and we're having family over here today
which was another great
one to be like well i'm also doing it for your family right so um i'm doing all
of this shit
i got i got the booze i got the fucking the the outdoor patio furniture i got
everything all cleaned up
i got an ashtray upstairs i got one downstairs i got the backyard lights on i
got the whole fucking thing
i got the music i got the whole thing and then at like six o'clock at night i
realized i didn't get
cigars i bought cigars but i don't have a humidor and i said i was going to
pick them up and i had this
fucking panic attack because it was sunday before the fourth that they were
going to close and it was
six excruciating rings before they picked up and i was able to run down there
and get them right
and um they showed up i ordered some pizzas and all that fucking shit and here's
the best part right
here is the best part i my wife went to sleep right we're smoking we're telling
fucking stories
you know i got all these orange sodas for myself right and it turns out
everybody there wanted one
because it had the real sugar and it went great with the cigar i'm telling you
cuban cigar and the
fanta orange soda is the shit right they drank all my orange soda so i had to
drink grape soda like a
fucking six fucking year old right so um anyways the end of the night you know
what i did i fucking
cleaned up everything you wouldn't you wouldn't even fucking know you wouldn't
know a goddamn you
wouldn't know that a fucking soul was here and that's what you do all these
fucking married guys
who sit there you know it's not fucking worth it it is fucking worth it you
just you just have to
do it perfectly right you go all out you clean up the fucking place they come
over you have a great
fucking time when you leave you fucking clean the whole place up again what can
she say what is she
gonna say to you you're not allowed to have friends um little things like that
because i've had buddies
of my coming over here like oh dude you fucking what are you doing you did all
that and you fucking
wash the dishes it's there's a there's a genius behind what i do i'm talking
shit here i'm drinking
throat coat tea and i'm talking shit what can they fucking say then what it is
is if you do everything
perfectly then they're leaving themselves totally exposed if they start
complaining that they're all
they're basically can complain about at that point is that you have friends and
you invited them over to
the house all right and they know they don't have a fucking leg to stand on so
the bitching goes down
by like 90 percent now if you have your fucking friends over and you leave the
fucking ashtray out
and there's footprints all over the fucking place they can make it about that
when the real thing is
is they don't want you to have friends right but they can hide behind the other
shit but the real thing is
they don't want you to have friends and they want to slowly kill you so that
they can you know have the
house to themselves and if you you know go to the obituaries there's a bunch of
guys dropping around
58 59 60 and that that's what happened what really happened was they had
friends over and they didn't
clean up you know which gave their wives the window to bitch them into an early
grave and now they're
sitting there in the fucking house having a hell of a time right getting to
play the victim getting all
the sympathy cards and eating all the pound cake and that's a fact you know
coming with the truth here
on the fourth of july i don't know what the fuck i'm talking about um anyways
so afterwards right so we're
drinking sodas i'm stone sober right and uh everybody leaves except for one of
my other
buddies and um he wasn't an aa right the older you get the more your friends
just fucking they quit
you know what i mean they just fucking quit it's like being a lifer in the
military everybody doesn't
sign back up all of a sudden you're the old guy you know fucking walking around
where the fuck all my
friends go right walking around all sad with your fucking smoky the bear hat i
didn't hear you um
so he still drinks so they leave so i get out the giant fucking ice cubes or
pour a couple of johnny
blues out of fucking blue right and uh you know he has to drive so he's he's
doing a little sippy cup
shit and i live here so i'm doing the home pours right thousand one thousand
two thousand three seat
right one of those pours so i have a couple two three of those i'm feeling good
and uh you know but
i'm not i cleaned the whole fucking dude when i said i cleaned the whole all
the leftover pizza i wrapped
each slice individually in foil and then i put a letter on it p for pepperoni s
for sausage m for
fucking margarita took the pizza boxes out put them in the recycle bin took out
the fucking chemicals
fucking sprayed down the counters you wouldn't fucking that goddamn forensic
team of forensic
cunts with their fucking dusters would come in would have no fucking idea
anything happened right