Name: Bill Burr - Advice: Hairy Girlfriend
Uploaded: 2016-07-11T08:37:51.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Hairy Girlfriend' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-07-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Hairy Girlfriend' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-07-11. Transcript available.

Hairy girlfriend. Oh, Jesus. Here we go. Hairy girlfriend. Dear Red Herring.
I'm a 25-year-old guy of moderately good looks and mid-level intelligence.
This is both. That means you're actually a smart guy. People who walk around
thinking they're smart are fucking dopes.
This has both helped and hurt my game. I've had girlfriend. Nobody who's like
mildly intelligent, like, thinks that.
That takes, like, a level of intelligence to understand that there's a lot of
people way smarter than you.
You know? People who just get, like, that fucking medium brain.
Like, they walk around. They think they're the shit. You know what I mean?
They walk around. They make bold fucking statements.
And people listen to them. Right?
Like Donald Trump. That guy, he's got a mid-level brain.
He's too stupid to realize what a fucking dope he is.
And then people just listen to him.
You become the Pied Piper of fucking morons.
The next thing you know, you're there.
Oh, God.
What a fucking decision.
That fucking idiot or that goddamn lunatic.
Anyways, here we go.
This has helped mid-level intelligence.
I've had girlfriends in the past, but most were just objects of lust instead of
true connections.
I met a new girl through a dating app.
Not proud of that.
Why?
I wish that thing existed back in the day.
It's like the fucking draft.
All of a sudden, you're fucking Bill Belichick in your dick there.
Things are great.
She's beautiful, smart, and actually gets my sense of humor.
That's why dating apps are great.
You can cut through a lot of bullshit, as far as I've heard.
Or meet a serial killer.
After a while of casual dating, we started to become more serious.
She is of Brazilian descent and has some body hair.
Nothing crazy, just arms and lower back type shit.
Here's my question.
Is there a subtle way I can tell her to lose the fur, or should I just stop
being a cunt and be happy?
Thanks and go fuck yourself.
Alright, how do you do this?
Best case scenario is you're a little furry, too.
And then what you do is say, hey, I'm going to go fucking get some of the
fucking, I don't know, hair taken off my back.
You want to do a two for one?
That's not going to work.
Don't say that.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
She has some on her lower back.
And where else?
Oh, on her arms.
So she just, her arms.
You know what?
I'm going to fucking, I'm going to act like on who wants to be a millionaire.
I'm going to fucking phone, not even phone a friend.
I'm going to fucking Google this.
How to tell your girlfriend she is too hairy.
How to get out of a hairy situation.
Five ways to get a girl to shave downtown.
Oh, God.
The guys are the worst.
I, you know, I actually thought, you know what?
That was on the brobible.com.
How do you tell a girl she has a bit of facial hair?
My girlfriend has a lot of hair on her ass.
How do I approach this?
Okay, here we go.
This is on Reddit.
You know what?
Reddit's not going to have the fucking answer.
I'm going to go with this one.
The student room.
How do I tell my girlfriend she's too hairy?
Oh, this is another fucking chat room.
I'm dating a girl.
Okay, we know what the deal is.
How dare you dislike something that comes naturally?
Oh, God.
These fucking broads.
I swear to God.
Hashtag yes, all women.
Stop imposing your fucking patriarchal standards on this poor girl.
If you have nothing good to say, don't say anything at all.
It's her body.
Give me a fuck.
And what do women do?
The second you get in a fucking relationship with them,
they're constantly trying to change you.
If you don't like it, don't be with her.
Don't make her feel insecure.
Jesus, all the hairy chicks are chiming in.
How would you like if she told you to shave your sweaty, hairy balls?
I would say, absolutely, sweetheart.
Why would I want to have hairy, sweaty balls in your face if it's turning you
off?
The game plan here is to get you in the mood.
By all means, what do you want me to do?
You could maybe remove your own man-lady garden.
That would create natural opportunity to discuss your lady friend's luxuriant
growth.
That was kind of my suggestion.
Just tell her.
Seriously.
Why do you let people create stupid threats?
Oh, Jesus.
Yeah, I don't.
Yeah, this is a hard one.
Yeah, that's it's a really fucking difficult one because you're talking about
something.
It's this weird thing that they can't help, but they can also fix very easily.
Although, yeah, it's kind of hurts, too.
Right.
According to the 40-year-old virgin.
Why don't you learn how to do it?
Does she sleep on her stomach?
Right.
And then just when she's asleep, you just put it on her and then you just go.
And then you, as she sits up to scream, you just fake asleep.
And she goes, what the fuck was that?
I don't know.
I think you had a bad dream.
And she's like, my back's killing me.
Oh, well, you were sleeping on your front.
Maybe you were putting pressure on your spine.
I don't know.
And then when she wakes up the next fucking morning, you know, she goes back to
sleep.
She wakes up the next morning.
Maybe she doesn't notice.
But then you got to do it every time.
Yeah, I just got to.
I guess you just got to tell.
Like, come on, ladies.
It's got to be.
It's got to be something that we do, right?
You know what it is about women?
They can sit down.
They can sit down and just tell you.
And as a guy, you just have to take it.
You just have to fucking take it.
It's just constantly.
I think that is that why we died before them.
It's just it's just a one way fucking street.
Oh, dude, I don't know.
I don't I don't know what to tell you, man.
That's a tough one.
Listen, I love you.
I'm crazy about you.
I think you're really attractive.
I just there's one thing you don't have bad breath.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're gorgeous and all that.
It's just there's any way you could just take down a little bit of the lower
back for.
I mean, you know, it's fun.
She's Brazilian.
You know, they came up to put the Brazilian wax.
It's like, can you do the Brazilian wax to your fucking back?
Why don't you get her get her get her a tramp stamp?
Right.
So I have to shave it anyways.
And then you'll be like, you know, you got to keep it shaved this so people can
always see it to get her an anchor tattoo on both her forearms like or drag
couple of dragons like Bonscott.
I don't know what to tell you to do that.
And I'll tell you, that's a rough one.
You know, I'll try to remember that one for Thursday when Nia's on.
Anybody have a hairy girlfriend out there and you had to say something or even
better women?
Have you?
There had to be something.
Yeah, guy, maybe he had a giant fucking something on the side of his fucking, I
don't know what, his head or some shit, you know?
He was warty, moly or some shit.
You had to say something.
Had halitosis.
I don't know.
I think if a woman had a smelly vagina, I think it'd be easier to tell her that
than that she had a hairy back.
How do you do it?
How do you just listen?
You know, I think you're beautiful.
You know, I think you're gorgeous.
You know, you turn me on and everything.
But I just, you know, it's so funny.
It's just how guys, you know, just our shit is not validated.
You know, like if a woman didn't, you know, was turned off by something.
God for fucking bit.
I mean, if you still climbed on top of her with your hairy back, I mean, I
think you'd be charged with some sort of like, you know, I don't know, pubic
rape or back pube rape or some shit.
Cops would show up and put you in some sort of chokehold and drag you out of
the fucking house.
And God knows if you ever see, you see anybody again.
Yeah, you know what?
You stumped me.
I got to think about that one.
All right.
Well, that's the podcast, the Monday Morning Podcast.
Go fuck yourselves.
Enjoy your next couple of days.
I'll check in on you on Thursday and maybe I'll have Nia help me answer that
question.
All right.
That's it.
Go fuck yourselves.