Name: Bill Burr - Advice: I Fcked Up
Uploaded: 2016-07-11T08:53:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: I Fcked Up' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-07-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: I Fcked Up' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-07-11. Transcript available.

Bill, I fucked up and could use a hand.
All right, let's see, why did you fuck up?
Hey, you old biscuit-bacon bitch.
I fucked this one up and could use some of your broadcasted advice.
I'm a 26-year-old guy living and working in the great white north,
Toronto to be exact, and I love your podcast and all that shit.
Thank you.
Anyways, a few months ago, I started seeing this really sweet girl.
So she's pretty, she's thoughtful, and she's as low-maintenance as a 1991 Honda
Civic.
Okay.
It sounds like the beginning of a horror movie.
Everything's like fucking perfect, right?
And he literally says, perfect!
Exclamation point.
She deserves to be treated right.
About a month ago, I was eating at a restaurant with a buddy
when this smoking-hot redhead comes up to me out of the blue and says,
Hey, you're cute.
Take my number.
Let's go out sometime.
I should have said no.
I have a girlfriend right then and there,
but the excitement of having a babe throw herself at me
was too much for me to pass up.
Abso-fucking-lully it was.
That's like a fucking movie.
We're not wired to pass that moment up.
I'm not saying you go and do it, but Jesus.
He said, I didn't have the damn strength to keep it in my pants.
Later that night, after a few wobbly pops, I texted her looking to meet up.
We did, and we did the deed.
I felt like a piece of shit.
Yes, we've all been there.
As men, we've all been there.
And a lot of ladies, too.
Which never gets any press because it's considered sexist to suggest that.
Here's where it's getting interesting and slightly complicated.
Not even 48 hours later, I'm hanging out with my girlfriend when she gets a
call from one of her friends saying,
I have some bad news to tell you.
Oh, boy.
I overheard the conversation coming from my girlfriend's phone.
And knowing exactly what the bad news was, I snatched the phone from her and
proceeded to spill my guts and told her the whole story.
Well, there you go.
At least you manned it up.
Evidently, the friend that called was roommates with the redhead, and the redhead,
through social media, had hunted me down and shown my picture to her roommates.
Dude, you can't get away with anything anymore.
Look at this.
The friend goes on to tell the redhead that I have a girlfriend.
Oh, dude, this is like you're going to end up with nothing here.
My girlfriend obviously was super upset, but being the sweetheart, she is.
And after many, many, I'm so sorry for me, she agreed to let me try to make it
up to her.
How do cheaters do this shit?
I didn't even last 48 hours.
Cut to two weeks later, myself and three of my buddies since kindergarten are
on a mountaineering expedition in Peru.
Dude, what are you, fucking Jason Bourne?
What's going on here?
Hot chicks throwing themselves at you.
Now you're in fucking Peru.
A trip we planned since February, and I get this panic-stricken email from my
girlfriend saying she, parentheses, the redhead, had broken into my apartment
and trashed the place.
See attached photos.
Dude, what the fuck?
Women are fucking crazy.
Let's just say, let's just say this.
Okay?
Like, how is she hurt?
She came walking up to you, threw her fucking clam at you.
You fucking took it.
Who, you're not in a relationship with her.
My voice is slowly cracking.
Yeah, I'm in a relationship.
You're not in a fucking relationship with her.
Dude, you just need to prosecute this fucking woman.
This has to stop.
This whole fucking thing that when women get upset, they can destroy property.
Let a guy go out and fucking trash some woman's car after she fucks around on
him.
He'll end up in jail and have to pay for the fucking car.
Everything was smashed.
My TV, one of my guitars.
She cut up my bed sheets and the duvet.
She even went so far as to throw all my towels in the bathtub and ran the water.
How do I know it was the redhead?
The dumb bitch left a note next to the TV saying cheaters never win or some
bullshit like that.
Give me a fucking break.
She even bragged about the whole ordeal to her affirmation roommate.
Classic guy.
He just writes, sheesh.
My girlfriend called the cops and upon my return from Peru, I set up a restraining
order against the redhead.
You should fucking charge.
You should sue her.
Here's the problem.
All this drama has led to my girlfriend reconsidering her willingness to give
me a second chance.
Dude, here's the real thing.
Anytime some fucking smoking hot girl just comes up to you and throws it at you,
you know it's a head case.
Go with a fake name.
I feel real bad about the whole situation and want to make it work between us.
But there's this little voice in my head that says, let her break up with you
and start fresh.
I'm pretty confused.
I was going to say that.
Just start over again, dude.
You're 26.
What are you going to do?
You know, you got a dick.
This is going to happen.
All right.
So he goes, I fucked up initially, but forgiveness then got fucked with and the
forgiveness was retracted.
Anyways, I hope your sage advice is half as good as those fucking pies you make.
Thanks a lot.
Go fuck yourself.
Yeah, dude.
You know what you got to do?
You got to walk and you got to have this crazy redheaded bitch pay for your
shit.
All right.
Jesus Christ.
She takes no responsibility in that.
Just walking around, throwing a fucking pussy at everybody.
I mean, what the fuck you think is going to happen?
It's, you know, is a guy you can walk around throwing your dick at fucking
people for years and not get anything.
This is why there's the double standard.
You know, if a guy does it, he's a stud because he has to convince people.
Just the way we're set it.
It's the way we're set up.
Okay.
Women are no better than guys.
It's what it is, is the way they're set up anatomically is they're letting
someone enter their body.
That is a major decision.
Sticking your dick in something, it's, you know, it's funny.
It's like, you know, it's like putting cereal back in the cabinet.
I mean, you don't even fucking think about it.
I probably, you know, there's probably ignorance in there.
Yeah.
I would just say like, you know what?
You're right.
I fucked up.
That's a really big pet peeve of mine that fucking women get to do shit like
that.
They just get to walk around, destroy your shit.
Just fucked up your TV and all that, dude.
And you just, and your whole thing is just like, sheesh.
Like, we're like, we like, we're just conditioned to be like, all right, that's
what they do.
They ruin your stuff.
Um, dude, you were a hundred percent in the wrong.
You shouldn't have done it.
You definitely did a piece of shit thing, you know, but that doesn't give
somebody the right
to go to break into your fucking apartment.
That's breaking and entering and destroying property.
She should be in jail.
Um, this is what you do.
I would break up with her and, uh, I would, I would, yeah, I would try to take
legal action
against the redhead.
And at some point I'd, you know, you want to send her a note, but don't do it.
Just say, yeah, breaking and entering, you know, fucking felons never win
either.
Whatever the fuck that is.
Um, yeah, dude, whatever, you know, it happened.
And, uh, yeah, you know what I would do if you're 26, stay single for a while,
stay single
for a while, go to the gym, get back in shape, figure out what the fuck you
want to do.
Do you want to fuck a bunch of women or do you want to meet the one, you know?
Uh, but I, I think at this point, dude, you got enough fucking drama.
I can't believe she gets to do that.
Like, first of all, she got laid the redhead.
She got fucking laid, you know, she had a great fucking time and she gets to
bust up
somebody's place like a fucking rock star and then walk out of there and feel
like she's
a fucking hero.
This is why I don't give a shit that they make less an hour than I do.
Because when you add up all the fucking perks, I mean, it's a pretty good
goddamn deal being
a woman, you know, you get all your emotions out all the fucking time, you get
to break up
people's shit and you get to live longer than men.
I don't know what the fucking problem is.
You're going to complain about an extra 79 cents.