Name: Bill Burr - Wheeler Walker Jr Show / Shark Attacks
Uploaded: 2016-07-15T13:33:35.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Wheeler Walker Jr Show / Shark Attacks' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-07-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Wheeler Walker Jr Show / Shark Attacks' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-07-15. Transcript available.

Tuesday night I went back to the Troubadour and I saw Wheeler Walker Jr.
Right? You say it's over. Pack up your stuff.
Something, something, you've had enough.
That guy, fuck you, bitch. You broke my heart.
Fuck your friends for tearing us apart.
Fuck your dog. Hope he never comes home.
I saw that guy fucking live, man. What a fun fucking show.
It was great and the band's killer.
The bass player actually plays in one of my favorite fucking bands, Truth and
Salvage Company.
He's on the road with them, had a killer band, and the dude comes out, Wheeler
Walker Jr.
He fucking murdered it. Absolutely fucking murdered it.
I didn't know what to expect when I went down there.
You know when somebody goes down there and they're doing funny songs, you're
like,
I don't know what's going to happen here.
Is this going to be like a one joke song and then you're fucking like still
standing there for another 45 minutes?
It wasn't. It was great.
And he was fucking hilarious in between songs.
His band are with the crowd.
What I'm saying is if you get a chance to see Wheeler Walker Jr.,
if he's coming to a fucking club near you, theater near you, arena, fucking
amphitheater,
a carport, I don't know.
I'm trying to think of every structure I can think of.
Definitely go out and see him.
He's absolutely worth the money.
And the band sounds great.
And he had another band open up in front of him to ladies with guitars.
They were great.
Just a fucking killer show.
And I ran to a bunch of comics when I was there.
I ran into Doug Benson and all these other guys.
Look at me dropping names here, dropping fucking names.
And I sat there in the back of the club and I just drank water all night
because I'm fucking fat.
All right.
I'm not going to lie to you.
I had one whiskey.
You know, you got to have one, you know.
Even John Wayne would have one, you know, before he ate half a fucking cow that
he barely cooked.
Isn't that what happened to him?
You know, that's what, you know what happened to all those guys back in the day.
They just kept eating red meat because back then it was all about, whoa, you
know.
Why would I eat hamburger when I got steak at home, right?
Isn't that what they said?
Weren't they literally talking about food considering what most of them died of?
I know that was about their ladies.
But anyways, back then, right, if you were like a guy's guy, you were eating
steak if you were successful.
It was considered the highest cut of fucking meat and all that.
You didn't realize it was tearing apart your fucking guts.
And back then, there's no way you let another man fucking look in your ass to
make sure you weren't going to die of ass cancer, right?
There's no fucking way you could do that and then get on a horse and call
yourself a cowboy.
That's not what it was about, all right?
You kept eating steak.
Then when you would, your wife was done making the steak, you fucking, fucking
wrapped it with the frying pan.
I said, clean it up, right?
Then you went over and you put butter on the steak and then that was it.
And I think it was better for the environment back then.
You know what I mean?
Women were being beaten, so they were drinking themselves to death.
So they died earlier and guys fucking ate themselves to death.
And, you know, people got out of the way.
And there was only like fucking a couple billion people on the planet.
Now look at everybody.
Everybody's doing yoga.
Nobody's beating their wives, right?
Everybody's having a fucking salad.
And now there's seven and a half billion people on the fucking planet.
You know, and I think it's high time that we go back to the way it was.
You know?
Oh, whatever.
We'll let Hillary becomes president.
And at the end of her 48-year run, then it goes back to the fucking dark ages.
We go back to a feudal system, the real one, you know, where you're actually
aware of what
was happening rather than now, where it's just bankers fucking silently sucking
the life
out of the fucking middle class.
Oh, Jesus, Bill, you're going to get on a fucking, you know what fucking kills
me?
Bernie Sanders, arguably the scientist from Back to the Future, fucking endorses
Hillary
Clinton.
Can you fucking, any of them, can any of them just fucking have a point of view
and just
stick with it?
They're always like, this is what I'm about.
You can vote for me because I'm about this, right?
And then the second, all of a sudden, they start taking on water or this or the
thing
that's working.
Speaking of water, do you know there's more shark attacks than ever?
And they're doing fucking stories about what should we do about this?
It's like, well, you know, you could not swim in the ocean, you dumb cunt.
There's plenty of fucking, there's plenty of lakes, you know what I mean?
You know, shit, fill up your bathtub, you know, make a day of it.
You know, put a snorkel on and stare at your balls.
I mean, do whatever you got to do, but don't go in the fucking water.
Right?
Why do you think there's more shark attacks now?
Well, two reasons.
One, there's more fucking people.
And two, we're eating all the fucking fish.
So the menu's becoming more limited.
You know, back in the day, shark could be like, oh, look at that fucking surfboard.
Ah, you know, the fucking board gets between my teeth.
It's not, that's tougher meat, you know.
He's doing Pilates.
I don't know, that's gross.
And then, oh, look at that.
School of tuna.
Toro, Toro, right?
I'm going to go over there and fucking have some tuna.
Well, those options aren't there anymore.
And these people still go out there in their boogie boards, right?
If you go out on a boogie board, you're like a slider.
Like children, children on boogie boards, that's like a slider now for a
fucking shark.
And then you get to the, you get to the bigger people, you know.
I'll tell you right now, how fat I am, there's no fucking way I would go out
there.
They'd think I was a fucking sea lion, an albino sea lion that got shunned by
the rest of the herd.
You know, is there anything worse than watching a fucking animal on one of
those animal shows
getting shunned by the rest of the herd?
You know, animals are like super fucking racist.
I don't know what it is.
The second somebody's a fucking albino, they show a little bit of weakness.
I mean, they're really terrible people.
And you never hear Peter bring that up.
I mean, sure, they sit there and they talk about how bad human beings are.
Hey, you know, guilty as charged.
You're looking at it.
I've gone down to fucking Kentucky Fried Chicken.
I've eaten their beakless chicken, you know, all walking around roided up like
McGuire and
fucking Sosa falling on their fucking faces because people like the white meat
more.
You know, I've eaten that shit.
Guilty as fucking charged.
But what they don't talk about is how those fucking chickens, if they were
allowed to keep
their beaks, you know, and not have chests so big that they fell down, they
would be bullying
the fucking weakest hen.
You know, you don't deserve to have children, right?
Just go over and they'd peck her to death and they never, you know, they go,
you know, that's
just how they are.
You know, it's survival of the fittest and all that shit.
And then all of a sudden human beings start doing it, right?
Some fucking nerd gets thrown into a locker and all of a sudden it's this
national fucking
story.
Yeah.