Name: Bill Burr - Advice: Girlfriend Leaving
Uploaded: 2016-08-02T15:43:33.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Girlfriend Leaving' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-08-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Girlfriend Leaving' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-08-02. Transcript available.

All right, girlfriend leaving.
All right, dear Bill, love the podcast.
All right, my girlfriend and I have lived on Long Island our whole lives.
Go Jets, go Islanders.
And in a couple weeks, she's moving out to the Midwest with her family.
I knew I was going to see her a lot less since we're starting at different
colleges in the fall.
But I figured we could still give it a go when we come back during breaks and
stuff.
She's my first real girlfriend, lost her virginities to each other and whatnot.
And I don't know, man, this really sucks.
I'm still crazy about her, like to the point where I'm seriously thinking about
transferring to her school next year in a likely futile attempt to keep the
dream alive.
I know, I know.
Call me an idiot, but hey, I'm a dumb teenager.
I don't think you're an idiot.
You love the girl.
There's nothing wrong with that.
This is supposed to be the prime of our lives, and I get that, but I just don't
want it to end with her, you know?
Any advice from you or the lovely Nia on how to make long distance work or
moving on in general would be greatly appreciated.
This is what you got to do.
You got to allow yourself to be the age that you're at, okay?
You don't have the answers to these questions.
There really aren't any.
Each person is unique.
The two of you are unique.
And all you can do is just tell her how you feel, hope she feels the same way,
and there's nothing more you can do.
You know, it's either going to work out or it isn't, you know, you just have to
accept in life that most shit is out of your control, and you're going to have
good days, you're going to have bad days, you're going to have happiness, and
you're going to have pain.
And, you know, when you go through painful parts of your life, you just, you
have to face it, and you have to, you have to accept it.
You're not special as far as, like, you know, you're not going to go through
life and not get you, everybody's going to get their fair share of heartache.
Everybody's going to get their, hopefully their fair share of happiness.
So, you know, you're still young.
You got your whole fucking life ahead of you.
Like I said, all you can do is just tell this woman how you feel.
And if it works out, it works out.
If it doesn't, it doesn't.
I can also tell you that, you know, you're going to be going to a college, and
there's going to be a bunch of beautiful women there.
There's going to be, college is the greatest fucking nightclub, like, ever.
It's, ever.
You know, you walk into a nightclub, it's like, you know, the women know why
the fuck you're there.
So they already got their guard up.
When you go to college, you know, you're going there to go to school.
So everybody's a little more fucking relaxed.
Yeah, you can go there.
You just fucking hit on all of them.
Every fucking one.
Women that are completely out of your league.
Just fucking have a good, dude, you're fucking, oh, I guess you're not single.
You have this girl.
But I'm just saying, if she fucking dumps you, dude, like, your depression,
right, of the life that you're going to have after that is you're basically
going to be a single guy in the prime of your life going to college.
Like, that's not a big drop off.
You know, you're totally going to be fine.
So like I say, just tell this woman how you feel.
If she feels the same way, it'll work out.
If it doesn't, then you're a free man at college.
And I could tell you this right now.
As a married guy, I could tell you someday you'll be married and you'll have
kids and you're going to look back when you were single in college with all of
those fucking women around.
And you don't want to look back on what the fuck was I thinking.
I'm not saying going out there and being a fucking man whore, but go out and
have a good fucking time.
You know, dude, you're single in college.
If you end up being single in college, the thing that you're kind of afraid of
because you don't want to lose this woman.
This is you're basically you're drafting in the first round.
You know what I mean?
Like there's so many great catches because they're all fucking single.
So you can go out and you can you can get you can get a quality, quality
fucking woman.
If you're single and you're in college, you know, the older you get, you start
drafting in the later rounds.
You know, you start, you know, you start meeting women with issues.
Women with fucking baggage.
All the great ones get fucking snapped up.
So, you know, she's single in like your 30s.
That's when all of a sudden you think you got a number one draft pick.
And then all of a sudden, you know, you end up with like a Greg Oden situation.
Right.
She's got some fucking micro fractures in her feet or some shit or a knees.
I don't know.
I don't know what the fuck I'm saying.
I'm just saying like like at your age, you know, the hardest thing is you haven't
you haven't been older yet.
Like older people would look at your situation and just be like, dude, you were
in a fucking dream situation.
But there's there's no way for me to explain that to you because you'd have to
be old and get married and just be going through the fucking.
The relationship shit, you know, it's just the fucking ups and downs and ups
and downs and like now you're fucking legally bound to somebody.
Which is fucking insane to begin with.
And the fact that you're just this you're just single.
You can do whatever the fuck you want to do within reason.
And I don't mean like, you know, you can't go out and buy a yacht.
You don't have the money to do that.
But I'm just saying that you just whatever you feel like doing, you could
basically go do it.
And the thing that I really wish when I was single that I appreciated more was
that level of freedom.
And then also I wish somebody older could have told me like really just could
have told me like I lucked out with Nia.
But like some of some of the other people that I dated and stuff like that.
I mean, granted, it was also 50 percent me like like the level of shit that I
put up with when I was younger.
You know, I wish I had like more self-esteem like.
This is obviously for men and women listening to this shit like.
If you were somebody and they're a fucking asshole, like why would you waste
another second of your life with them?
You know what I mean?
Trying to find reasons to stay with the person.
It's like this person is a fucking asshole.
OK, however you're wired and however they're wired, it's not working.
Fuck off.
Just fuck off.
Get out of my fucking life and just walk away from it.
I mean, I learned that so late in life.
And like I said, I just, you know, lucked out when I met Nia.
But like I I had friends in my life that were just fucking assholes.
And I just remember one day I just woke up being like, I really shouldn't have
to work at being friends with somebody like this is like work.
I got to sit there and worry.
How is this person coming at with me?
And it just and I just got him out of my life.
And then I just kind of just I don't know, came up with some sort of like
standard that if someone dipped below it, that that was it.
They were out. You're fucking off the team.
And now I, you know, I got all these great friends in my life.
I don't have to fucking solid people.
That's essentially what you're looking for.
I know I'm getting off the beaten track here, but do like you.
You got you.
You're in a dream situation, whether this works out or it doesn't, you know.
And also, as much as it hurts, if you get your heart broken, it's good to get
one of those out of the way.
So you're all good. You're all fucking good.
I wouldn't worry about shit.
Tell her how you fucking feel.
And she that fucking accepts the fact that you're a number one draft picker.
She doesn't. If she doesn't, it's that's her fucking loss.
And you move on.
You go to college, you fucking crush it.
There you go.