Name: Bill Burr - Dead Babies and Ants
Uploaded: 2016-08-05T13:10:50.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Dead Babies and Ants' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-08-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Dead Babies and Ants' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-08-05. Transcript available.

- So the next day, I drive out to Galway,
where you drive across the country,
which takes like three and a half hours
to go from the East Coast to the West Coast.
We go out there, some of the most beautiful land
I've ever seen in my life.
They got these fucking stone walls, dry stone walls,
nothing holding them together
other than the fucking brains of the person
that figure out how to place each rock.
Absolutely backbreaking work.
Some of the walls are like three, 400 years old.
And the driver's telling me all these great stories
and all this shit.
So I get out to Galway and I get it in my head
because I have a fucking, I'd caught a cold at that point
that I wanted to buy one of those Irish old man sweaters,
an Aran sweater, A-R-A-N or something like that.
They kept saying it sounded like they were saying iron,
like I-R-O-N, or they just call them jumpers.
It's like, well, you want to get a jumper or some shit?
And I thought they meant like a fucking raincoat.
I'm like, no, one of those knitted fucking,
you know, I'm an Irish guy and I want to have a fucking drink
or some shit, sitting next to a boat.
And they're like, yeah, jumpers.
So I go, all right.
So I get it in my head that I want to buy one
of these fucking things.
And so I'm like, all right, I'll do it the next morning
before I go back to Dublin and then head over to England.
So I go down to do my gig in the side of them.
I can't remember the name of the fucking venue.
And we were riding over and they just kept going,
hey, just to let you know, you know,
this isn't the most fanciest venue and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And all I'm thinking of like, there's no way this venue
is worse than some of the shit holes I played on the way up.
You know what I mean?
Or some of the fucking places, the comedy condos I stayed in.
And I showed up and the place was great.
Tremendous theater.
They were more talking about the dressing room
'cause the dressing room was basically the men's room.
But even that was fine.
They put some carpet down, it wasn't bad.
So I'm waiting to go on and the act who's opening up for me,
she's hilarious, what the fuck was her name?
I already forget.
Oh God damn it, it was an Italian name too.
She was hilarious.
I'm the worst, my apologies.
It was typical road.
Like we've talked to each other for like 20 minutes
and we'll, I don't know,
not see each other again for like five years.
So anyways, she says to me,
she started telling me this story right before I go on stage
as to how like, you know, back in the day, you know,
if you weren't married and you were a woman,
what the fuck was her name, Adriana?
I'm the worst.
Anyways, she starts telling me that back in the day,
you know, if a woman got pregnant and she wasn't married,
to save the embarrassment, they'd send them to this fucking place
out there near Galway to basically have the baby.
Then the church would take the baby.
The woman would go back to the family and there'd be no embarrassment.
And then the baby would then, they'd make money off the baby by fucking giving
it to some rich white people
in America who wanted to adopt a white baby, right?
But what happened was is they had a ton of babies because evidently everybody
over there was doing a lot of fucking
and they weren't using any sheepskin, right?
They didn't use their jumper and wrap it around their fucking dick.
Well, maybe they did and the semen got through.
I have no idea.
So anyways, they had a ton of fucking babies and toddlers and some of them were
getting sick.
And it was kind of a big secret thing.
Everybody kind of knew, but nobody said shit.
So evidently when the babies died, they just fucking put them in like this.
The comedian told me it was like a fucking, not an oil drum, like a, what do
you call a big fucking thing that holds oil and it's underground?
Big tank or some shit.
Long story short, one time when they, whenever they went to dig it up, whenever
they put them in,
they found a mass grave of 800 dead babies and toddlers.
She tells me this fucking story, right?
It's right before I'm going to go on.
And then she laughs.
She goes, have a great set, right?
So of course that became the reference.
The entire show was the dead babies that were out there because Tom Rhodes told
me that if he could live anywhere in the world,
Galway is where he wants to fucking be.
That's where he would stay.
And that guy has been literally around the world.
So I'm going out there going, oh, this is going to be the most quaint fucking
Irish fishing village ever.
And it was, and right before I go on stage, of course, I got to hear about 800
dead fucking babies, right?
So here's the kicker.
Of course, anybody else who did that would be world famous for being the
fucking worst person ever, right?
Would make Hitler look like a jaywalker, you know?
And, but of course it was the Catholic church.
So there was really barely a fucking investigation.
Nobody got in trouble.
Nobody went to fucking jail.
So that's what I learned when I was out there.
And I, also that there's a beer out there called Galway Hooker.
And I went out there and I proceeded to get so fucking hammered that the only
picture I took of Galway was the fucking tap that you pulled that says Galway
Hooker.
I had to kind of try and remember what it was.
I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking, Bill, you said you weren't going to drink a lot on this tour.
Well, I caught a cold.
So, you know, you're supposed to drink a lot of liquids and flush it out of you.
So, um, anyway, so the next day I wake up and, um, I don't know, I was kind of
freaking out about having to drive all the way back to Dublin and then also
having to go through customs to fucking then get into England and show my
fucking papers and all of that shit that I woke up and, uh, I just realized, I
was like, I don't have time to buy that fucking sweater.
It's an impulse fucking buy.
I'll get one the next time I go there and I'll probably just want to buy it,
you know, because I'm in Ireland and I'm drinking their beer and I'm getting
all caught up in it.
It's like you go to the Netherlands and all of a sudden you buy some fucking
wooden shoes.
What do you, what the fuck are you going to do with them?
What do I need a fucking Irish knit sweater for?
I live in a goddamn desert, right?
Although it does get cold at night.
All right.
And here's the fucking worst thing.
Do you know, I haven't been able to stop thinking about it.
And I'm like, you fucking asshole.
So now I'm going on their website.
I can't try it on.
I can't see which sweater I look like the least amount of a douchebag in.
And then their selection isn't as good.
And I can't tell the story that I got it in Galway, Ireland when, you know,
because if you have one of those sweaters and you wear them out in fucking LA,
you're just going to look like some fucking actory douche trying to dress his
type to get a part.
And the next time they do the movie departed, if I could actually be like, no,
you hipster cunt.
I actually bought that in Galway, Ireland when I did a gig out there.
So go fuck yourself.
By the way, do you know about the 800 dead babies that would shut anybody down,
you know, but I didn't buy it.
So I already have a fucking regret about that.
But the upside is, is that just means that I, you know, I have to go back and I
have to buy one and I'm not going online to fucking buy one.
I'm going to go back to O'Malley's out there and I'm going to fucking buy one
next time I go out there.
So thank you to everybody out in Ireland that came out to my shows.
Thank you to Shane, my driver.
Fucking drove like a fucking lunatic in a good way.
Made all kinds of great moves to get me there and back.
I've been having so much fun.
I actually did a two hour show last night in Bristol.
I apologize to the people in the crowd.
I mean, as much as you like somebody to go a little bit long, that's too long
to have people sitting there.
So my apologies.
Oh, so I get into Bristol.
I stayed in this really cool inn, you know, and it actually had a key.
The name of my room was not a number.
It was just somebody named it said Harvey's.
You know, it's they had all these weird names and shit.
So you kind of had to remember what floor you were on.
And I showed up and it was this really cool ass looking room.
And they had left like a little piece of chocolate cake with some powdered
sugar on it.
And, you know, old freckles.
I got a sweet tooth.
So I'm like, fantastic.
I sit down to eat it and there's a bunch of little fucking ants all over it.
It's fucking gross.
So I had to take it and I stuck it on the windowsill.
I forgot to remove it when I went to go leave.
So I hope the cleaning lady finds it.
My apologies to whoever gets that room after me.
If you get that room, it's Harvey's.
And I left it out on the deck.
It had this little deck area where you could sit down.
And it was just fucking ants.
And they were all over the plate.
And I was blowing them off the plate.
And I'm like, what am I doing?
Now they're on the rug.
Let's get this whole thing out of there.
And there was so many of them.
As I was carrying them, I was feeling them starting to climb on my hand.
And I was just like, ah, like running over to that little thing, trying to get
it open.
And I stuck it out there.
So whatever.
The ants loved me because I didn't kill any of them.
And they all got a nice piece of cake.