Name: Bill Burr - Afternoon Shows
Uploaded: 2016-08-09T01:53:49.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Afternoon Shows' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-08-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Afternoon Shows' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-08-09. Transcript available.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast
for Monday,
August 8th, 2016. Let me move close to the mic there. Try not to have it on my
chest so you
don't listen to me breathing. I know it's been an issue the last couple of
podcasts,
but like I said, I'm out here on the road and the little mixer that I use is a
piece of shit.
And even if I have an adapter, for some reason, it seems to blow up. It
probably didn't. I
probably plugged it into the wall and I fucked up, but who knows? So I am in,
as an American would say,
Edinburgh. I don't know how the fuck they say in Scotland. I just did a show,
believe it or not,
at like a quarter to four in the afternoon out here. I have shows at 345 and 1130.
I don't know why,
I thought it was because I signed on late to the festival. I have no idea.
But I got to tell you, man, it was a fucking great time. It was a great time.
Look at that. I just
got a message here. All right. Let me shut this fucking thing off. All right.
So anyway, so yeah,
I just did a show. I got to tell you, I loved it. I'm sitting there the whole
time going over there
being this cranky fucking, you know, little show girl, right? I was in
Amsterdam last night,
which is a great show. So today I'm flying. I land, I get to the fucking hotel.
Hotel isn't ready.
You know, as always, that's how my travel always gets put together. They never
let me sleep that
extra hour and a half. They're always like, let's get them up and get them to
the next fucking city.
God forbid he misses the show. And then you always get, I always end up landing
before the fucking
room's ready. And I know what you're thinking. Well, Bill, why don't you have
you or somebody call
ahead and ask for an early check-in? I'll tell you why, because I don't live my
life that way.
I live my life moment to fucking moment. That's, I try to, because if I look
too far down the road,
I have a panic attack and I start getting overwhelmed and depressed. And I just
start going like,
it's just flying by. I'm going to die soon. All right. It's not worth contemplating
your own
mortality just to get a fucking early check-in. I would rather walk in and then
be like, what do you
mean the room isn't ready? But I have a show, right? And throw a big fucking
hissy fit. Admit it.
That's what everybody wants to see. Yeah. So I had a 345 show today and I
absolutely fucking loved it. I
went over there and I'm just thinking like, Jesus Christ, this wasn't me, a
bunch of blue-haired old
ladies. Who the fuck has a comedy show at 345 in the afternoon? It reminded me
of when I was on my way
up and I was paying my dues and I was humble and I treated my fellow human
beings with respect as
opposed to now. Like I just ordered room service and like the water wasn't in a
glass bottle and I
slapped it down to the ground. And I said, how dare you? I'm from the United
States of America,
right? No, I didn't do that. Anyways, my humble beginnings as I was coming up,
we used to do these
things at colleges and they were called nooners. You know, I got a nooner at
fuckhead state or whatever
and it was basically, you did stand up, you know, anywhere from fucking 11 in
the morning to like
one in the afternoon and you had no idea what the fuck you were going to walk
into. I mean, you knew
it was most likely going to be one of the most humiliating hours of your life.
You knew like
90% chance that most of the people in the cafeteria or in the hallway area or
whatever had no idea that
there was even going to be a show. Guaranteed that whoever's bringing you up on
stage is not in show
business. So it's going to be a horrible fucking intro. The whole thing. I
remember I used to just go
on stage, right before I would go on stage, I would just look at my watch and I
would always think
an hour from now, this is going to be over. No matter how awful this gets, no
matter how humiliating
this gets, an hour from now, I'm going to be back in the rental car. I'm going
to drive away from this
school and I don't have to ever think about this fucking show again, but I will
have the money.
Okay. And whenever they're paying me, they probably shouldn't give me twice
that amount because
I blew probably at least three times that on fucking therapy after going
through those things.
But that's how I always used to, that's how I used to always think it. And, uh,
if you guys think
I'm angry and negative now, you should have seen me back then when I didn't
even understand.
I'm actually, I'm not negative now, but I was way, way more angry and I was
really fucking negative.
I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop before. I don't know. I just, I
don't know.
I read a bunch of fucking books and shit and I was able to come out of it. And
I know I trash a lot of
shit here on the podcast, but I like to think that when I give advice, you know,
you can hear the twinkle
in my eye. You know, it starts to sound like Christmas when I have tried to
help somebody up.
Ah, maybe I'm not, maybe I'm the same way, but I mean, back then I, at least I
wasn't even fucking
aware of how fucking nuts I was. And, uh, I would just go up there and I was
just, I don't know if
somebody said anything, I just tried to chop their fucking head off. And a lot
of times they weren't
being mean. And I ended up creating the fucking hostile situation between me
and the crowd that I
didn't want. I wanted it to be an easy gig. So why wouldn't you go up there and
smile and be like,
Hey, it's great to be here. You know, blah, blah, blah. And try to ingratiate
yourself to the people.
You know why? I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that because
when I grew up,
I didn't see anybody doing that. All right. There's very few people from where
I'm from,
from even fucking have ever used the word ingratiating. I can tell you right
now, I have no
idea how to spell it. All right. The first letter is either an I or it's an E.
Is it N-gratiating
or in, in, in, I, I'm going to go with I. I'm going to try to spell it right
now. Let's see.
What do we got here? Come on, Bill. I'm going to, I'm going to close my eyes. I
N-G-R. So it
doesn't help out. In gray, C-I-A-T-I-N-G. Come on. One time, one time, get it
right.
Oh, fuck you. It's I-N-G-R-A-T-I-A-T-I-N-G. I missed one letter. Do you know
what I mean?
It's like being off a degree in the space shuttle. The next thing you know, you're
on fucking Mars,
you know, when you were trying to go to, uh, I don't know, Jupiter. We'll go
with Jupiter.
Um, let me go back here. So anyways, um, I was sitting backstage waiting to go
on and now it was,
the show was fucking tremendous. And I know, and I was like, why the fuck did I
think that was going
to stink? This is why, because the last time I did shit like that, nobody knew
who the fuck I was.
No one knew there was a comedy show. This shit, I went there was people that
listened to the podcast.
They wanted to go there and they knew it was a show. So now I'm like, holy fuck.
I want to do fucking quarter to four in the afternoon shows from now on.
Fuck this eight, nine, 10 o'clock at night shit. Dude, if I could have my day
over,
ah, that would be the greatest thing ever. I want to become the 11 a.m.
comedian.
Be like back in the day. I'll become a morning person again. Well, who's
kidding who with all
my fucking demons. I can't sleep more than four hours a night. Anyways.
My wife says, I always have a fucking look on my face of worry or I'm thrashing
about I'm a
fucking mess. Um, she goes, the only time you fucking sleep peacefully is when
you get
fucking drunk. Uh, but then I snore. I mean, as I've told you before, like I'm
a fucking,
my wife's a saint putting up with me. So anyways, um, I would fucking love to
do that. You know,
if I had like a show Friday night and a show Saturday night, if I can move them
up
to like four in the afternoon, right. Even if I did a two hour show, I would be
done
at six o'clock at night fucking rap. And then at that point I can go to a ball
game. I can go see
all this shit that I miss. That would be perfect, but it sucked for the four. I
was coming out to
see me because they'd have to leave work early. Maybe the Saturday night show.
I don't know. Probably wouldn't work. People are too used to the other way, but
I have to tell you,
like if I didn't have this 1130 show to do right now, like I, like the level of
excited, I feel like,
you know what I feel like right now, I feel like I got a day off from, from
school. You know,
when you were a kid, except I got that other one hanging over my head at 1130.
Oh God, it was great.
The people were fucking sober. It was tremendous. I know a number of comics
that do like, they,
they, there's a few comics who work totally clean and they do like afternoon
shows. And, um,
I've always pictured it being like, Oh God, you must, I mean, it's the
afternoon. The sun's out.
You, you, you must have to be like beyond clean and wholesome. And I got to
tell you,
I just did my fucking act, you know, as hard as I would have done it at night
and it worked fine.
So I don't know. I might've accidentally stumbled onto something.