Name: Bill Burr - Scotland, Packing, And Squeeze Box Players
Uploaded: 2016-08-12T13:58:26.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Scotland, Packing, And Squeeze Box Players' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-08-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Scotland, Packing, And Squeeze Box Players' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-08-12. Transcript available.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you.
It's 9.25 p.m. here. This is a really weird podcast. I'm going to be taping
this on my iPhone. I'm probably going to do half of it, and then I'm going to
head out.
It's my last night in Scotland. My last night in Scotland. I had a fucking
blast, but I got to tell you, man, Jesus Christ, after spending three fucking
days in Scotland,
I fucking, I just want to be dry. It has just rained essentially nonstop, and
it didn't even have the fucking decency to just rain.
It's just been slowly just fucking spitting in your face, and I finally was
talking to this cab driver on the way over, and he was just going, I was like,
does it always rain during the summer over here?
Because of summer. There's no summer in Scotland. Summer in Scotland is you go
to Turkey, Greece, or Spain, or some shit like that.
He's just basically saying, I guess the sun never fucking shines here.
You know, is it any wonder why everybody's so goddamn funny up here?
Oh, man, I had such great shows, and another really weird venue. I didn't even
know what the fuck it was. It took me like to my third show to realize it was a
gymnasium.
I finally saw a backboard, like a basketball rim, you know, with the glass, and
it was just sort of cranked up against the ceiling, and, um, I don't know, just
really, like, it was weird.
It was, like, totally fucking bizarre, but some of the best shows I've had on
the tour, I just really had a great time.
Scottish people are fucking hilarious.
So, even when people yelled out, half the time they said shit, funnier than
what I was talking about.
Um, but, uh, yeah, I'm trying to pack up here.
Oh, man, I packed perfectly on this fucking tour.
I absolutely fucking crushed it.
All I have, I'm gonna be over in Europe here for 23 fucking days.
I have a little bitchy-ass stewardess little wheelie thing and a backpack, and
that's it.
You know why?
Because I've fucking traveled, and I've done the thing where you bring, like,
fucking five pairs of t-shirts, three different fucking workout things, sweatpants.
Oh, oh, what if, what if we go ballroom dancing?
What if another night we go to a bullfight?
Um, you know, what if for some reason we do some jousting, right?
And you just pack every stupid-ass fucking outfit, and you know what happens?
You're, like, five days into your fucking trip, and you realize that you've
worn the same t-shirt every single day, and you know what?
No one gives a shit.
And there's nothing worse than is because then you start buying shit over there.
There's no fucking room, and you're just looking at all these fucking t-shirts
and all these sweatpants and these stupid fancy hats, whatever the fuck it is
you're into, that you brought and you never wore.
So, I actually still packed too much shit.
There's a, there's a, I got two gray t-shirts.
I've yet to use them.
Yet to fucking use them.
No one knows you out here.
No one gives a shit.
You think somebody's gonna walk by, you know, you're gonna walk by someone, and
they're gonna be like,
Oh, that's that fucking tourist.
Came by yesterday wearing the same t-shirt.
You know, it's not high school.
Nobody knows who the fuck you are.
Anybody can blow anybody away.
So, uh, yeah.
That's it.
I packed like an absolute champ.
And now, now I'm home.
I'm going to the motherland now.
I'm going to Germany.
Where, uh, I've never really done a background check on me, but I just looked
at a little bit of the family tree.
I got a lot of German last names in the tree.
So, I know I got a, uh, significant amount of fucking German blood in me.
Dude, I gotta give it up to the Scots.
You know, a lot of countries you go to, their money just looks fake and stupid.
The fucking Scots got great currency.
These coins actually seem like they're worth something.
They got a weight to them.
You know, they got some good designs on them.
Um, plus it always helps that people from Scotland talk like they're pirates,
you know.
Just gives them some sort of level of, like, I don't know, credibility.
Anything that they're fucking saying.
I'm sure the audio is a little fucked up.
I'm literally packing right now as I'm talking to you.
I'm going to try to knock half of this out before I get out of here.
But, um, tonight I actually had my first night off, you know, in 10 days.
I did 13 shows in the last 10 days.
And I was doing at least an hour and a half every night for the most part.
Except the first show here.
Um, they told me to only do an hour.
But after that, every other one I try to do like a buck 15.
So, I've done, I don't know, somewhere between 23 and 25 hours of stand-up.
And it was really nice to have a, uh, a day off.
There's a very, uh, very important man in town right now.
He's the Teen Idol sensation from the Opie and Anthony program.
I'm going to go, I'm going to go, uh, to a local bar.
Have a couple of sarsaparillas with him.
See how his festival went.
Um, wearing my action slacks that I bought.
I know they're not literally called action slacks.
But I don't give a shit.
These things are, you know, anytime you have on pants that look like they could
go with a suit.
But you could also do yoga in them.
Those are fucking action slacks.
I don't care how cool they make them now.
You know, I don't care what NBA player fucking dances around with them.
Doing all the tricks with the ball.
And then hits a fucking three-pointer.
You know?
I forget who makes these things.
It's the one that has the H on it.
The Hardcastle and McCormick.
What do they call it?
Under Armour.
You know?
I don't know.
Everybody's always trying to have a badass name for this shit.
So, anyways.
Um, thank you to Scotland.
Thank you to the Fringe Festival and everybody that, that, um, that came out.
Uh, and thank you to everybody in Amsterdam.
Did I talk about Amsterdam the other day?
I think I did on the podcast.
On the podcast.
I don't know what to expect tomorrow when I go to Germany.
But, uh, I'm going to, uh, Cologne, Germany.
Not Munich.
Not Berlin.
I'm basically going to the Worcester, Massachusetts of Germany.
As far as I can tell.
You know what I mean?
It's like you're going to California.
You know?
You're not going to L.A.
You're not going to San Francisco.
I feel like I'm going to the Sacramento of Germany.
I have no fucking idea.
And, but this is what I do.
I'm not going to look it up.
I'm not going to look at the pictures.
I'm not going to do anything.
I'm just going to shit on them.
And then tomorrow I'll start my show off probably getting heckles from people
going, actually, we're, uh, number one in commerce.
Um, this is some of the most expensive real estate in the country.
I just can't imagine.
You know what's so fucking incredible is after I do Cologne, I'm going to drive
over to Antwerp, Belgium.
And as far as I know, I'm going to be passing through where the Battle of the
Bulge was in, uh, in World War II.
Um, I don't know.
It's, it's like, that's a, it's, I don't know.
I guess because people live over there.
I don't know if they, if the, the weight of where they live really hits them
just because they're there.
You know what I mean?
It's kind of like here in Scotland.
There's all these fucking touristy shops where you can buy a fucking kilt and a
bunch of plaid shit, you know?
But if you, if you look at the people who live here, none of them are wearing
that shit.
Yeah, that's the, whatever you're known for.
Yeah, they're sick of it.
I've been going around here trying to get authentic fucking Scottish cuisine.
And I've, there's more goddamn places to get Italian.
You can get falafels, like, it's anything but Scottish food.
Yeah, they're like, dude, we grew up on this shit.
We don't want to eat it, okay?
And I don't want to dress up wearing that shit unless I'm playing a fucking bagpipe
or I'm doing a goddamn Mel Gibson movie.
Now, granted, I don't know if that's fucking true, but, I don't know.
Look, what do you want from me?
I go to countries for like 20 minutes and then I form opinions with, without
reading shit.
You know, it's what I do.
It's the charm of my podcast, I like to think.
Hey, so I went out last night and I had a couple, two, three, four, five,
fourteen drinks last night.
And I was wearing my action slacks there.
And I got to tell you, I know this sounds like more advertising.
But, a big fucking, you know, I tried to knock the head off my beer.
Which I thought I did.
And then I looked down and it landed right on my leg.
And I went, ah, shit, this is going to stain.
I wiped it off and, like, literally nothing happened.
It was totally fine.
They're like the greatest fucking pants I've ever had in my life.
But, I look like a complete asshole with them, you know.
But, you know, isn't that how life is?
Isn't there always a price to pay?
Alright, so this is it.
This is my last fucking few hours here in Scotland.
And, um, could not have had a better time.
But, I am fucking ready to get out of this gloom and fucking doom of this
goddamn place.
Holy shit.
I mean, it just feels like March.
It's August and it just feels like March.
It's cold.
It's fucking rainy.
It's overcast.
Um, went to a couple of great bars last night.
I was finally talking to DeRosa.
DeRosa, he's such a fucking animal, you know.
He's like, hey, let's go to the festival fucking bar.
I was like, why the fuck would you want to go to the comedy festival thing?
We were there last night.
They're serving Guinness and scotch and plastic cups.
You know, have a little bit of respect for yourself.
Can we at least go to a place that has a glass?
You know?
So, we ended up finding some bar.
Um, it was great.
We just come walking in and there's these two guys sitting down.
One of them was playing the guitar.
The other guy's playing the accordion.
They're singing all these fucking songs.
It's tremendous, right?
This is what kills me.
I apologize if I'm making all you guys yawn.
I don't really apologize.
This fucking podcast is for free, so I don't give a shit.
Um, this is what kills me.
As I'm sitting at the bar and after about fucking a half hour, I finally look
over at the fucking people, uh, with the guitar and the accordion.
And I look over.
Now there's a woman sitting there.
She's playing the fiddle.
And there's some other guy sitting down there and he's playing the accordion.
I mean, what are the odds of that?
What are the odds that you're even gonna walk into a bar and there's somebody
that not only has an accordion, knows how to play it, and a half hour later
somebody else comes in.
And you can just hand it off to him like it's a fucking guitar.
You know?
What is it?
A fucking squeeze box festival over here?
I've never seen that in my life.
Do you know how many fucking bars I've gone to?
I don't either.
But it's a lot.
I've never seen anybody play an accordion in a bar in my life until I came to
Scotland.
I, right?
This fucking guy's playing the shit out of it.
And then when I look over to go see the Eddie Van Halen and fucking, you know,
squeeze box is still playing.
It's somebody else.
But then again, maybe he called up his friend.
Right?
And you know how plumbers know other plumbers.
Right?
Hairdressers hang out with hairdressers.
Maybe accordion players hang out with each other.
I don't know.
It's kind of a weird thing, right?
Do you think serial killers, though?
That's one that's very rare.
They don't hang out with each other.
You know?
It's just a quiet, unspoken respect that they have with each other as they sit
there on death row.
You know?
I wonder if that's their regret.
You know, I should have hung out more with more complete fucking sociopaths.
If I could do it all over again, you know, I would have been part of a serial
killer team.
So I could have shared those memories with people.
That's fucking...
That was really dark.
I apologize.
All right.
I think I gave you my half hour.
Yeah, there we go.
Okay, so...
Thank you for listening.
I am now on my way to Germany.
And very excited.
Never been there before.
And I was just talking to a friend of mine who's played some gigs over there
and said they're always fucking great crowds.
Which makes sense, you know.
It makes sense that they would be great crowds, you know.
They gotta make up for, you know...
They gotta make up for, you know, starting a couple of world wars.
Right?
Those poor bastards.
Oh, I'm gonna give them shit tonight.
I'm gonna give them shit.
I'm just gonna be like, you know, you fucking guys.
All your contributions that you've made.
You know, from audio tape to some of the greatest automobiles people have ever
seen.
And it's just a goddamn shame that no one's ever gonna think of that first.
Because you picked one wrong guy.
That's all they did in Germany.
They just...
They picked one wrong guy.
And it just turned out to be the biggest fucking lunatic in modern history.
Somebody had to pick him.
You know?
This is the thing, too.
As Trump is doing what he's doing, and people are like...
People try to compare Trump to Hitler.
You know what I mean?
I mean, give me a fucking break.
He's nowhere near in Hitler's league.
Right?
Hitler used to crush those speeches.
Donald Trump is just rumbling, bumbling, stumbling.
You know what I mean?
His whole campaign has just been like a fucking Hail Mary.
It went up in the air, and everybody's going,
Knock it down!
Knock it down!
Right?
What happened?
Erlacher goes up, and he tries to catch the fucking thing,
and someone slaps it out of his hand, and it landed in...
I don't know.
Landed in Hillary Clinton's fucking cleavage.
And now these are the two clowns we've got to look at.
Ugh, I'll tell you, it's a rough one.
All right.
Go fuck yourselves.
Have a wonderful weekend, you cunts.
And I'll check in on you.
No, I'm checking in on you now.
I'll talk to you on Monday.
That's what I'm trying to say.
All right.

Bill Burr - Scotland, Packing, And Squeeze Box Players

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you.
It's 9.25 p.m. here. This is a really weird podcast. I'm going to be taping
this on my iPhone. I'm probably going to do half of it, and then I'm going to
head out.
It's my last night in Scotland. My last night in Scotland. I had a fucking
blast, but I got to tell you, man, Jesus Christ, after spending three fucking
days in Scotland,
I fucking, I just want to be dry. It has just rained essentially nonstop, and
it didn't even have the fucking decency to just rain.
It's just been slowly just fucking spitting in your face, and I finally was
talking to this cab driver on the way over, and he was just going, I was like,
does it always rain during the summer over here?
Because of summer. There's no summer in Scotland. Summer in Scotland is you go
to Turkey, Greece, or Spain, or some shit like that.
He's just basically saying, I guess the sun never fucking shines here.
You know, is it any wonder why everybody's so goddamn funny up here?
Oh, man, I had such great shows, and another really weird venue. I didn't even
know what the fuck it was. It took me like to my third show to realize it was a
gymnasium.
I finally saw a backboard, like a basketball rim, you know, with the glass, and
it was just sort of cranked up against the ceiling, and, um, I don't know, just
really, like, it was weird.
It was, like, totally fucking bizarre, but some of the best shows I've had on
the tour, I just really had a great time.
Scottish people are fucking hilarious.
So, even when people yelled out, half the time they said shit, funnier than
what I was talking about.
Um, but, uh, yeah, I'm trying to pack up here.
Oh, man, I packed perfectly on this fucking tour.
I absolutely fucking crushed it.
All I have, I'm gonna be over in Europe here for 23 fucking days.
I have a little bitchy-ass stewardess little wheelie thing and a backpack, and
that's it.
You know why?
Because I've fucking traveled, and I've done the thing where you bring, like,
fucking five pairs of t-shirts, three different fucking workout things, sweatpants.
Oh, oh, what if, what if we go ballroom dancing?
What if another night we go to a bullfight?
Um, you know, what if for some reason we do some jousting, right?
And you just pack every stupid-ass fucking outfit, and you know what happens?
You're, like, five days into your fucking trip, and you realize that you've
worn the same t-shirt every single day, and you know what?
No one gives a shit.
And there's nothing worse than is because then you start buying shit over there.
There's no fucking room, and you're just looking at all these fucking t-shirts
and all these sweatpants and these stupid fancy hats, whatever the fuck it is
you're into, that you brought and you never wore.
So, I actually still packed too much shit.
There's a, there's a, I got two gray t-shirts.
I've yet to use them.
Yet to fucking use them.
No one knows you out here.
No one gives a shit.
You think somebody's gonna walk by, you know, you're gonna walk by someone, and
they're gonna be like,
Oh, that's that fucking tourist.
Came by yesterday wearing the same t-shirt.
You know, it's not high school.
Nobody knows who the fuck you are.
Anybody can blow anybody away.
So, uh, yeah.
That's it.
I packed like an absolute champ.
And now, now I'm home.
I'm going to the motherland now.
I'm going to Germany.
Where, uh, I've never really done a background check on me, but I just looked
at a little bit of the family tree.
I got a lot of German last names in the tree.
So, I know I got a, uh, significant amount of fucking German blood in me.
Dude, I gotta give it up to the Scots.
You know, a lot of countries you go to, their money just looks fake and stupid.
The fucking Scots got great currency.
These coins actually seem like they're worth something.
They got a weight to them.
You know, they got some good designs on them.
Um, plus it always helps that people from Scotland talk like they're pirates,
you know.
Just gives them some sort of level of, like, I don't know, credibility.
Anything that they're fucking saying.
I'm sure the audio is a little fucked up.
I'm literally packing right now as I'm talking to you.
I'm going to try to knock half of this out before I get out of here.
But, um, tonight I actually had my first night off, you know, in 10 days.
I did 13 shows in the last 10 days.
And I was doing at least an hour and a half every night for the most part.
Except the first show here.
Um, they told me to only do an hour.
But after that, every other one I try to do like a buck 15.
So, I've done, I don't know, somewhere between 23 and 25 hours of stand-up.
And it was really nice to have a, uh, a day off.
There's a very, uh, very important man in town right now.
He's the Teen Idol sensation from the Opie and Anthony program.
I'm going to go, I'm going to go, uh, to a local bar.
Have a couple of sarsaparillas with him.
See how his festival went.
Um, wearing my action slacks that I bought.
I know they're not literally called action slacks.
But I don't give a shit.
These things are, you know, anytime you have on pants that look like they could
go with a suit.
But you could also do yoga in them.
Those are fucking action slacks.
I don't care how cool they make them now.
You know, I don't care what NBA player fucking dances around with them.
Doing all the tricks with the ball.
And then hits a fucking three-pointer.
You know?
I forget who makes these things.
It's the one that has the H on it.
The Hardcastle and McCormick.
What do they call it?
Under Armour.
You know?
I don't know.
Everybody's always trying to have a badass name for this shit.
So, anyways.
Um, thank you to Scotland.
Thank you to the Fringe Festival and everybody that, that, um, that came out.
Uh, and thank you to everybody in Amsterdam.
Did I talk about Amsterdam the other day?
I think I did on the podcast.
On the podcast.
I don't know what to expect tomorrow when I go to Germany.
But, uh, I'm going to, uh, Cologne, Germany.
Not Munich.
Not Berlin.
I'm basically going to the Worcester, Massachusetts of Germany.
As far as I can tell.
You know what I mean?
It's like you're going to California.
You know?
You're not going to L.A.
You're not going to San Francisco.
I feel like I'm going to the Sacramento of Germany.
I have no fucking idea.
And, but this is what I do.
I'm not going to look it up.
I'm not going to look at the pictures.
I'm not going to do anything.
I'm just going to shit on them.
And then tomorrow I'll start my show off probably getting heckles from people
going, actually, we're, uh, number one in commerce.
Um, this is some of the most expensive real estate in the country.
I just can't imagine.
You know what's so fucking incredible is after I do Cologne, I'm going to drive
over to Antwerp, Belgium.
And as far as I know, I'm going to be passing through where the Battle of the
Bulge was in, uh, in World War II.
Um, I don't know.
It's, it's like, that's a, it's, I don't know.
I guess because people live over there.
I don't know if they, if the, the weight of where they live really hits them
just because they're there.
You know what I mean?
It's kind of like here in Scotland.
There's all these fucking touristy shops where you can buy a fucking kilt and a
bunch of plaid shit, you know?
But if you, if you look at the people who live here, none of them are wearing
that shit.
Yeah, that's the, whatever you're known for.
Yeah, they're sick of it.
I've been going around here trying to get authentic fucking Scottish cuisine.
And I've, there's more goddamn places to get Italian.
You can get falafels, like, it's anything but Scottish food.
Yeah, they're like, dude, we grew up on this shit.
We don't want to eat it, okay?
And I don't want to dress up wearing that shit unless I'm playing a fucking bagpipe
or I'm doing a goddamn Mel Gibson movie.
Now, granted, I don't know if that's fucking true, but, I don't know.
Look, what do you want from me?
I go to countries for like 20 minutes and then I form opinions with, without
reading shit.
You know, it's what I do.
It's the charm of my podcast, I like to think.
Hey, so I went out last night and I had a couple, two, three, four, five,
fourteen drinks last night.
And I was wearing my action slacks there.
And I got to tell you, I know this sounds like more advertising.
But, a big fucking, you know, I tried to knock the head off my beer.
Which I thought I did.
And then I looked down and it landed right on my leg.
And I went, ah, shit, this is going to stain.
I wiped it off and, like, literally nothing happened.
It was totally fine.
They're like the greatest fucking pants I've ever had in my life.
But, I look like a complete asshole with them, you know.
But, you know, isn't that how life is?
Isn't there always a price to pay?
Alright, so this is it.
This is my last fucking few hours here in Scotland.
And, um, could not have had a better time.
But, I am fucking ready to get out of this gloom and fucking doom of this
goddamn place.
Holy shit.
I mean, it just feels like March.
It's August and it just feels like March.
It's cold.
It's fucking rainy.
It's overcast.
Um, went to a couple of great bars last night.
I was finally talking to DeRosa.
DeRosa, he's such a fucking animal, you know.
He's like, hey, let's go to the festival fucking bar.
I was like, why the fuck would you want to go to the comedy festival thing?
We were there last night.
They're serving Guinness and scotch and plastic cups.
You know, have a little bit of respect for yourself.
Can we at least go to a place that has a glass?
You know?
So, we ended up finding some bar.
Um, it was great.
We just come walking in and there's these two guys sitting down.
One of them was playing the guitar.
The other guy's playing the accordion.
They're singing all these fucking songs.
It's tremendous, right?
This is what kills me.
I apologize if I'm making all you guys yawn.
I don't really apologize.
This fucking podcast is for free, so I don't give a shit.
Um, this is what kills me.
As I'm sitting at the bar and after about fucking a half hour, I finally look
over at the fucking people, uh, with the guitar and the accordion.
And I look over.
Now there's a woman sitting there.
She's playing the fiddle.
And there's some other guy sitting down there and he's playing the accordion.
I mean, what are the odds of that?
What are the odds that you're even gonna walk into a bar and there's somebody
that not only has an accordion, knows how to play it, and a half hour later
somebody else comes in.
And you can just hand it off to him like it's a fucking guitar.
You know?
What is it?
A fucking squeeze box festival over here?
I've never seen that in my life.
Do you know how many fucking bars I've gone to?
I don't either.
But it's a lot.
I've never seen anybody play an accordion in a bar in my life until I came to
Scotland.
I, right?
This fucking guy's playing the shit out of it.
And then when I look over to go see the Eddie Van Halen and fucking, you know,
squeeze box is still playing.
It's somebody else.
But then again, maybe he called up his friend.
Right?
And you know how plumbers know other plumbers.
Right?
Hairdressers hang out with hairdressers.
Maybe accordion players hang out with each other.
I don't know.
It's kind of a weird thing, right?
Do you think serial killers, though?
That's one that's very rare.
They don't hang out with each other.
You know?
It's just a quiet, unspoken respect that they have with each other as they sit
there on death row.
You know?
I wonder if that's their regret.
You know, I should have hung out more with more complete fucking sociopaths.
If I could do it all over again, you know, I would have been part of a serial
killer team.
So I could have shared those memories with people.
That's fucking...
That was really dark.
I apologize.
All right.
I think I gave you my half hour.
Yeah, there we go.
Okay, so...
Thank you for listening.