Name: Bill Burr & Nia - Email: Move Back To East Coast
Uploaded: 2016-08-16T15:36:41.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia - Email: Move Back To East Coast' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-08-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia - Email: Move Back To East Coast' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-08-16. Transcript available.

All right, move back to East Coast. Bill, as your success continues and you
become even more
financially stable and set for the long term, that is an impossibility.
I don't understand how you get financially because at the end of the day, even
if you just take all
your money and you stick it in a bank, what those cunts do is at some point
they play a little
fucky fuck and they loan everything out. I will never forget just watching
people with their life
savings in there standing outside the bank and there's just a padlock on it. So
there's really
no place that you can put it. Every place you put it, someone's going to put
their fucking hands on
it. You know what I mean? You stick it in the stock market. They start
investing it. They just like,
it's so fucked up. They won't just let you have your money. The only way to do
it is if you fucking
just cast your check every week and you stuck it in the wall and then you got
to worry, like,
did I leave the iron on every time you leave or someone gets wind that that's
what you do it.
And then you got to have the shotgun bed. You ever seen the shotgun bed? No, it's
the greatest
fucking bed in the world. If you live alone, it's basically if it's the headboard,
you bring your
hands back like this. As you touch it, the thing flips around like a secret
door and a loaded shotgun
comes down in your hand. That's a real thing? Yeah. That's not something from a
movie? It's the
fucking shit. But here's the thing. Whenever they show the demonstration, the
person's in the bed
by themselves. Okay. Because when it comes down, the fucking barrel is going to
be pointing at your wife,
at her head. Yeah, that sounds dangerous. Well, what you got to do is you got
to sleep on the side of the bed.
If you're a left handed shot or a right hand shot, you got to sit on the side
of the bed where if in
your panic, you know what I mean? Like if you woke up in the middle of the
night and you looked over
and there was just this figure standing there in the door, like that horror
movie, you know,
when the lady and then she turns the lights on, then she turns it off and then
it's there.
Yeah. Then she turns it on, she turns it off and it moved up like 10 feet and
it's like,
bitch, leave the fucking lights on. I cannot watch that trailer because that's
exactly what I think.
I'm like, why do you keep flicking it on? Maybe because you're like, am I
seeing what I'm really
seeing? I don't know. When it moves up though, that is the shit. Yeah. It's
scary, but I can't,
I can't deal with that. You know something? I hate people who don't buy into
horror movies. I
always buy it. I'm like, all right, I get it. Yeah. She's flipping the lights
on. That would never
happen in real life. Yeah. Um, anyways, uh, the only way I can see that you're
financially
fucking set is you buy a house and you fucking pay it off. All right. Get to
the rest of this thing.
Okay. You had any thoughts about what point you would have to get to before you
move back to the East
coast. I know that Nia may not be fond of this and you may not be thinking
about it either,
but it seems like you would be happier back in, but who the fuck is this idiot?
You don't know me.
Yeah. You don't know me. You don't know what I like, Boston, New York, et
cetera. I'm from
Pittsburgh originally and lived in Chicago for a few years and now I'm in
Washington DC area. So I never
lived on the West coast, but I've visited numerous times. You can't beat the
weather in LA,
but you can't beat the culture of the East coast. We'd love to hear your
thoughts and thank
you for keeping us all entertained. Are you complaining about LA a lot?
No, not at all. I love it. Why does this person seem to think that you'd be
happier
back in Boston? Because people, I get one by the time I read the rest of it. I
get it. He's just
looking at the world through his own eyes. Um, I don't know. I, sometimes I
think about moving back
East, but I mean, I'm doing efforts for family. The show business is out there.
Um, and there's
fucking great people in LA. There's a great food. There's all this great stuff
to do out there.
A lot of people shit on LA. Cause when they move out there, you know, they try
to make it in show
business and they don't, if they don't get anywhere and they pack it in and
they leave, all they really
met was a bunch of other desperate people that didn't get anywhere. And it can
give you a really
bad feeling about LA. I've had that experience too. The first time I went out
there, um,
and I was like, fuck LA, all the real people are on the East coast. And I
started having that, that
attitude. But you know, when you go out there, when you break through, like,
and you start meeting
people like someone like really most talented, generous, cool, fucking people I've
met have been
when I've been out there. And, uh, you know, I mean, nine times out of 10, if
you meet somebody legendary,
you quickly realize why they're a fucking legend. And that's because of, uh,
their, their attitude. Like they they've made all this money. They're really
super successful. And
they're still like generally interested in new things and don't feel that they
know everything
and that type of shit. And, um, I don't know, you can't beat the fucking houses
out there are awesome.
Yeah. I don't know. I, yeah. You've never once complained about living in LA.
If anything,
you're like, I love it out here. I love it out here. Yeah. And I also love New
York. I love New
York, but like, uh, you know, if I was ever to move back to New York, I mean,
at this point,
I'd have to live in a house. Like once you live in a house, you can't go back
to living in a
fucking apartment and traipsing up and down the fucking stairs and, and just
living in New York,
you have no car. You're just like this prisoner of the neighborhood and you're
just sitting there
dying for new restaurants to open up. Just, I just remember that. And then
you got this little ass fucking kitchen and you, you, you're watching like,
I used to watch Molto Mario and I'm like, I'm going to buy one of those. I'm
going to buy one
of those. And then I had no place to put it. And all these pots and pans
stacked up. I can't do it.
New York city is for young people, you know? And if you don't believe me, look
at the older people
that live there and look at their postures and shit. Like, I don't know. I love
New York,
but I couldn't go. I don't know that I'd want to live there again. Not in the
city, at least.
Yeah. I just, I, I feel like that part of my life is over. Yeah. It was fun in
my twenties. Yeah. I
rollerbladed on all those avenues. But if we ever went back, I would, I would
get a, I'd get a house
and I'd just drive into the city. Yeah. Yeah. Like, and then bitch moan and
complain about the
fucking traffic. Exactly. I would do that. Like I live in the suburbs in Westchester
or whatever.
I wouldn't mind that. Yeah. I mean, it's a possibility, but I mean, you know,
I kind of feel like I'm going to do this cartoon and I'm going to be ready to
be like, all right,
if this thing goes like, you know, seven, eight seasons, that's it. What else
more? Well,
what else more do you need to do? I went out to LA, I got a TV show. We did it
for eight
seasons. People liked it. I made people laugh. Yeah. And then what? I would do
the Seinfeld.
Vegas. Do the Seinfeld. Yeah. Then I'd do my fucking, my, my drum solo, uh,
fucking comedy show. Right.