Name: Bill Burr & Nia - Mediterranean Sea / Sharks
Uploaded: 2016-08-19T14:47:36.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia - Mediterranean Sea / Sharks' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-08-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia - Mediterranean Sea / Sharks' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-08-19. Transcript available.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you.
So the other day, Nia, we go down, we went down to the beach and I did what I
usually don't do. I got into, well not an ocean, it was a sea. This is the
difference. See, I don't fuck with the ocean on any level as you people know.
But all of a sudden now it's the Mediterranean Sea. I'm like, oh, well, you
know, you never hear about sharks in the sea. From sea to shining sea, there's
no, whatever song that is, there's not one word about a shark, right?
So anyways, so we go down to the Mediterranean Sea and I say, you know what?
Fuck it. I'm going in. I'm going to fucking swim in it. I swear to God, my
heart has never been fucking racing like that in a body of water in my life.
I have my little swimming goggles, right? I got my head shaved, so I look like
I'm going to go fucking compete against the dude with the bong in the 400
meters.
I have not watched one second of the Olympics and I got to tell you, I don't
feel like I'm missing anything.
You know what I love about the Olympics? They get all this sports no one gives
a fuck about out of the way once every four years.
All right, here they are. Somebody on skis with a rifle. Cross-country skiing.
Diving.
Hey, what are you into? You watch football? You watch hockey? Nah, I'm into
diving.
Does your daughter do it? Nah, I'm just into it.
The triple pike position, Nia? Remember that time Greg Luzganis banged his head
off the fucking board?
That was the first epic fail before YouTube even existed.
There was some gay guy diver who had a problem with his junk would come flying
out, you know, because he had it so extra fucking small evidently.
Or he's got a huge dick.
What are you talking about?
This fucking guy, he said his manhood would be doing the little fucking twizzlers
there in the air, whatever they call them.
He was gay?
He was gay, yeah.
Who says?
They said. He said.
They who?
What, he's got to blow a guy on the platform? There's gay people and they dive
sometimes.
Some of them are architects.
When are you going to open your mind up to the fact that gay people can do all
sorts of things?
Jesus.
What's it like to be married to a fascist?
Hey!
Oh, speaking of fascists, you know what's fucking hilarious I've noticed over
in Europe?
You get into a fascist country and the elevators, they don't play that game
where it's starting to close and you stick your arm in it.
They're just like, uns, you are too late.
And they say, he's just like, oh shit, this is going to chop my fucking arm off.
You're in the allied countries, right?
The elevator starts to close, you can kind of do the old, hey, hey, easy there,
easy.
I decide, not you.
Dude, fucking Germany and Italy.
I made the mistake two times of trying to do the, oh yeah, let me stick my
fucking arm in here and it quickly became like, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I was barely able to get it.
Actually, it started to open again.
It does open back up, but it's really aggressive.
Really aggressive.
So anyway, so we're down there.
Should I tell them about your girlfriend, Nia, that you couldn't stop fucking
staring at down there?
Jesus Christ.
So it was definitely, it was definitely, what would you say, Nia, European cut
fucking swimsuits?
Oh my goodness.
The tribute to fucking Brazil?
It was straight up G-string thongs at that beach.
Yeah.
Sun's out.
I know, I like how you kept trying to subtly catch her in your fucking videos.
No, I did not.
Yes, you did.
You're a fucking pervert.
No, I didn't.
But because you're a woman, you won't get called on it.
No, I was not trying to.
You are a creep.
I'm not a creep.
You go to sleep.
Yes, you are.
I'm not a creep.
She was just very good looking.
And I appreciated her beauty.
Anyway, so I go to go, I got to go swim in, I go to go swim in the fucking
Mediterranean.
I go in there.
First of all, the water's, you know, it's a little more choppy.
I'm more of a pool guy.
Okay.
There's no current in a pool.
And I went in there and Jesus Christ, my fucking, the second I put those
fucking goggles on,
I looked down, I saw these little fish swimming.
My brain literally goes, what's he, what, what he, little fish, bigger fish,
right?
Like, what's his face?
Danny DeVito in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.
What do we do with these little fish?
He smiles.
He goes, catch the big fish, right?
I just kept thinking bigger and bigger and bigger fucking fish until I got the
sharks.
And there was this little, they had this little roped off area.
They had a little tarp there just in case one of these fucking monsters decided
to swim in.
But there was an open area because they was also bringing in these boats.
And I just pictured one of them, like, looking over.
Because where I was, you could see the bottom.
But if you looked, the creepiest look ever when you're in the ocean or a sea is,
like, out to sea or out to the ocean.
What is the difference between an ocean and a sea?
You know, I'm glad you asked that, Nia, because that completely derails what
the fuck I'm talking about.
Oh, sorry.
I don't know what they are.
They're both gigantic.
So, anyways, when you look out and it gets into deeper water and just becomes a
darker blue and disappears.
I just kept picturing one of those sharks just coming into view, doing that
little fucking, you know, you know, shark swim with their fucking asses moving.
It's like the old rollerblade impression I do, Nia, when the people would set
up the cones and they'd turn around backwards and their ass would go, whoo, whoo,
whoo, whoo, whoo, as they went through the cones.
Right?
That's how sharks swim, except they go frontwards.
I was just picturing one of them fucking coming in.
Ugh.
My heart was fucking racing.
Although, you took video of me, Nia.
I was very impressed how I look when I swim.
You're a very strong swimmer.
I'm a good swimmer.
Oh, freckles.
Two Italian people told you there's no sharks.
Okay.
Well, one Italian person told me and another Italian person told me.
Okay.
Now, let's look this up.
Okay.
Let's look this up right now.
Sharks in the Mediterranean Sea in the...
Well, specifically where we are.
Oh, yeah.
No, I looked it up.
Like, not only are they in the Mediterranean Seas, see, the most attacks are
off the coast of Italy.
So why are they all saying that there's no sharks?
Because this is a tourist trap, Nia.
Where we're at is a fucking tourist trap, okay?
So they're just like that fucking guy who wants the beaches open in Jaws.
Okay?
Everybody's got to come down.
They've got to buy their magnets.
They've got to buy their fucking plates with lemons on it.
Because this region is known for lemons.
So everything has to have lemons on it.
Really?
I didn't know.
They don't tell you that every five minutes.
Like I'd say, the food, the food has been outstanding.
Amazing.
And the lemonadas have been crazy.
Fantastic.
Little slushies, right?
Granitas.
Granitas.
Oh, my God.
Having a good time.
What about that fucking dessert we had the other night?
Oh.
That looked like a fucking titty.
It was like, it was like tres leche cake, but it was, it was lemony.
And then on top they had this cream.
And then for whatever reason.
Yeah, the lemon sponge cake.
Yeah, they put like this red looking something or other that looked like a nipple.
Yeah, it was a little mound there.
Okay.
It was delicious.
Who's the pervert now?
The second I said it looked like a titty, it died laughing.
It's exactly what it looked like.
Not a real titty.
Like a mannequin titty.
All right.
The 47, the 47 shark species that lurk in the Mediterranean.
Okay.
And one of them, guess what?
It's the great white shark.
All right.
Shark attacks around the world map.
Let's look at this.
And what we all know in Australia, someone gets taken, as they say.
Why we should worry.
Why should we be worried about the rise in shark attacks?
I love how they're going to blame the sharks.
It's like maybe if we didn't fish out the ocean, they'd have more food options.
You stupid cunts.
Spike in shark attacks.
North and South Carolina see one or two shark attacks per year on average.
In the last month, there have been eight.
No one has been killed, but there is no such thing as a casual shark.
I don't know what.
This is 2015.
Wait, let me get to, let me get back to the Mediterranean Sea.
47 different types of species.
Where the fuck are they?
How to survive a shark attack.
Stay on the land.
All right.
European countries.
Number of shark attacks since 1900.
Number of fatal attacks.
Number one, Nia.
Italy.
50.
11 have been fatal.
So basically every year and a half or so, probably a little bit less, somebody
gets bit by a shark.
Do you want to be that person?
I don't.
The UK had 38.
Nobody died.
Those tough, pasty bastards.
Spain, 33.
Seven people died.
You knew people would die.
They're so dramatic there, especially when they play soccer.
Croatia.
25.
And then 12 people died.
Almost half the people bit off Croatia.
Almost half of them died.
That's because they're so fucking macho.
They probably tried to fight the thing.
Instead of getting out of there, I must break you.
I have no idea what people in Croatia are like.
Just anybody in Eastern Europe to me is, is Dolph Lundgren.
All right.
Greece, 24 attacks.
13 people died.
France, 10.
Three people died.
Portugal, 8.
One died.
Malta, 5.
3.
Jesus Christ.
Russia, 4.
0.
Yeah, you can't kill those bastards.
Tenegral, 3 and 2.
Sharks found in the Mediterranean.
Angel shark, angular rough shark, Atlanta cat shark, basking shark, big eyed
six gills shark.
Are you really going to read all those little sharks?
Is that a nickname?
Big eyed threat.
Let's just get to the ones that everybody knows.
Nobody cares about that.
Blue sharks, a dusky shark, hammerhead.
Yeah, that's a nice one.
Yeah, they're real friendly.
Great white shark.
Mako milk shark, nurse hound.
Portuguese dogfish, sandbar shark.
All right.
A lot of these, I guess, are not that intimidating, or at least they haven't
gotten a shot.
I mean, what if like the great white shark, Mia, is just like white people,
where they get all the good roles in shark movies.
So that's why they made one about them.
And then all these other ones are like the minorities.
So no one ever hears about the sharp-nosed seven-gill shark.
What does that sound like to you as far as a person?
Is that Dominican?
People would rather listen to me zip up my luggage than hear you read off a
list of sharks.
You know, that's really mean.
It's not supportive.
Huh?
What are you talking about?
You fucking said there's no sharks or shark attacks.
And there is.
And then you're like, oh, the people here go,
There's no shark attack.
What do you think they're going to say, Mia?
You think they're going to stand down there going,
Get out of the water!
Freaking everybody out.
Standing there in a little Speedo.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
We saw some fucking people that needed to be in a bathing suit.
And we saw some people that did not need, did not need.
And I'd forgotten about that one guy and you fucking brought him up again.
At dinner?
Hairy ass?
Oh my good God.
Oh fucking mighty.
It's one of the most horrific fucking things I've ever seen.
A lot of hair.
A lot of hair.
Yeah, he had like a taint afro coming out of the bottom of his fucking stupid
ass shorts.
Just standing right in front of us.
Tafro.
It's like, did you say tafro?
I did.
Oh God.