Name: Bill Burr & Nia - Nia Hits Her Head
Uploaded: 2016-08-23T01:52:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia - Nia Hits Her Head' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-08-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia - Nia Hits Her Head' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-08-23. Transcript available.

Speaking of physical harm, the lovely Nia.
Last night, she like bent down to get something out of her bag.
And there's this little fucking ledge above it that she can stick like a couple
of glasses in a bottle of water.
And she was underneath it, bent down, came up full speed.
And the corner of it hit the fucking top of, she hit the top of her head right
on the corner of it.
Like, brutally hard.
And I got to tell you, I feel bad that she's not part of this fucking little
story here.
See if I'll bring her in, because I failed miserably as a human being.
Nia, do you want to be in on this story of you hitting your head?
Okay.
Okay.
I'm setting it up now.
So anyway, she fucking hits her head.
Fucking bam.
All right.
Sounded like somebody dropped a suitcase on the floor.
And then, I swear to God, she hit her head.
She goes, ah!
She grabbed her head.
And then, I swear to God, she just started crying.
Like a goddamn toddler.
And I have to be honest with you.
I didn't know what the fuck to do.
I just got to the point, Nia, where you hit your head, and you started crying
like a toddler.
Why does it have to be like a toddler?
Because that's what it reminded me of.
It's like when a little kid, like if an adult hits their, you know, stubs their
toe, hits their foot, it's goddamn motherfucker.
And then, you blame your whole family.
Get out of the living room.
You know, that's what you do.
Mm-hmm.
You started crying.
I did.
It was really painful.
Like bawling.
Yeah.
And, uh, on a scale, on a scale of one to five, five being the best, how would
you, no, no, how would you rate my reaction to it?
Oh, zero.
Wait, so I went in and I got you some tissues.
This is what Bill did.
I didn't know what to do.
It freaked me out.
I hit my head.
Boom.
I was shocked at it first, because it really did feel like someone had just
come up and just waltzed me on the noggin.
So I was shocked.
Then the pain started kicking in.
And, like, it was really, like, it was like that little, it was, it was that
corner of that ledge.
And it went right into my scalp.
And I didn't know if I was bleeding or what.
And I, I think, yeah, normally I'd be like, like most people.
But it's just, I don't know what happened.
Just the floodgates opened.
And it felt better to cry than to pretend like it was just like, oh, like a nuisance.
Like, it really, really hurt.
So Bill's like, oh, no.
Are you okay?
So we're good so far.
What else was I supposed to do?
So we're good so far with that.
Okay.
And so I'm just sitting there crying.
And he goes, oh, oh, oh, oh.
And he runs into the bathroom.
He doesn't even give me a tissue, like a proper Kleenex.
I couldn't find any.
He gets me toilet paper.
Okay.
If there is a choice between tissue paper and toilet paper to comfort someone,
please find
the Kleenex.
Okay.
It's softer.
It's just, you know, it's just, it's a little thing, but it makes a big
difference.
It's a cutter bar.
So then he starts wiping my face with the toilet paper and he's rubbing it on
my face.
And he's wiping my chin.
He's doing like this U shape from my eye to the other eye, using my chin as
like a go-between.
So he's rubbing this fucking one-ply toilet paper back and forth across my chin.
And he's going big tears, big tears.
They were huge.
And it's like, I never seen anybody cry tears.
What is that supposed to mean?
Was it big tears, big tears?
It wasn't like, oh, baby, you know, it was, he was just scraping my face with
his toilet paper
going, big tears, big tears.
I got to be honest with you.
It was fucking, it freaked me out.
It was the worst moment of comforting you've ever offered in your life.
You were at a complete loss for what to do.
Because it was like you stopped being like a woman and you became like this two-year-old.
And it was just like, boom.
And you're just like, daaaah.
I was just like, I didn't know what to do.
If we were at home, I would have got you a popsicle or something.
Oh, and then you said, do you want some water?
I'm like, what the fuck does water have to do with anything right now?
That's what my parents always did.
If you hurt yourself and you cried, they went and they got your water right out
of the tap.
And then you sat down and then your face was all dry and salty.
And they said, all right, go back outside again.
That's it.
I spent most of my childhood outside.
That's what parents did.
All right, get outside.
All right, you kids.
You're driving me nuts.
Get outside.
And you just sent them outside.
That's what you wanted to do with me in that moment.
You wanted to send me away so you wouldn't have to deal with it anymore.
I just wanted you to stop fucking crying.
I don't mean that in a bad way, but it's just like to see another adult.
Nia, can you imagine if I ever hit my fucking head and started crying the way
you did?
I mean, what would you know?
What would be coming out of your mouth?
I don't know.
I'd be like, come here, baby.
And I'd hold you to my chest or whatever and I'd rub your back.
You're full of shit.
If I fucking hit my head and started crying like a little girl.
Was it really that like?
It was like a little, it was like a little, it was, I don't know, I'm fucking
stammering.
You stammering jackass.
Yeah, I've known you for 12 years.
I've never seen you.
I've seen you like.
You've seen me cry before.
A couple of times in the kitchen, you fucking, you cut yourself with a knife.
And even then you didn't cry as much.
That was like, you know, you had a balloon and the thing went off your wrist
and floated up in the air.
There was just no comfort in you.
It was, yeah, I'll admit, not only did I drop the ball in that moment,
it spent 24 hours and I still don't have a better approach.
It was so fucking bizarre.
Don't ever do that again, Neil.
All right?
What are you talking, I, the thing is, the really sort of horrible thing about
it,
the biggest injustice of it all, the fact that you weren't able to comfort me,
is that I was trying to plug in your fucking computer.
Isn't that amazing?
Isn't it amazing?
I knew somehow it would come back to me and it'd be my fault that your dumb ass
ducked underneath a ledge
and then lifted your head up.
Ric Flair wouldn't have done it that hard to sell a fucking movie.
I didn't realize it was there.
I was plugging in your computer and you had the audacity to be the worst
comforting person in that moment ever.
Scratching my face with that one-ply toilet paper while saying,
big tears, big tears.
It was just like, what does that even mean?
It's like, it was, it helped me outfield a little bit again.
No batter, no batter.
Big tears, big tears.
He just kept saying, swing better.
He just kept saying big tears over and over again.
What did that mean?
You were just commenting on it.
I, I, I didn't, I didn't know what to do.
I mean, you were crying at a fucking level.
Like, I mean, I've been at funerals and seen people cry less than what the fuck
you were doing.
I didn't know what to do, okay?
I'm sorry, you caught me off guard.
Well, tell me, what am I supposed to say?
Just give me a fucking blueprint.
You're just supposed to like, you know, take me into your arms and like, hold
me and like, you know, rub my back or something.
That sounds like a commercial for one of those love songs like Time Life
Presents.
Mm-hmm.
It doesn't seem like a real thing that people do to each other.
Well, I'm telling you that's what I would like.
You asked me, so I'm telling you what I would like.
I'd like your sunglasses to not be so big.
How about that?
I'm channeling Jackie O on this trip.
Jackie O, Jesus.
Have you ever hit your head again and start crying like a two-year-old?
Just give me Kleenex, okay?
That's all I ask.
Don't give me toilet paper.
Deal.
I don't have to say anything?
What do you mean you don't have to say anything?
You have to comfort me, jerk.
Give me three things to say.
Are you okay?
Come here.
It's going to be all right.
You cried way longer than that.
Yeah.
And you just have to, like, comfort me.
Keep saying that?
No.
Are you going to be okay?
Come here.
It's going to be all right.
How disconnected are you from human emotion that I have to teach you how to
comfort somebody?
Crying was a sign of weakness where I came from.
Okay.
Well, that was a long time ago.
You manned the fuck up.
Well.
Man or woman you did, you know?
I don't.
You know what happened in my neighborhood when a fucking kid cried?
All right?
You know what happened there?
You know what?
I'm really tired of hearing about your fucking.
They were slapped in the face and given a Bud Light.
Rockwellian childhood or whatever it is that you're always describing.
They stuck your head under the water of an above-ground pool until they stopped
seeing bubbles and then they'd pull you back up again.
Fucking R-Gang or whatever it is.
Like you really like paint a picture like you grew up in like this hardscrabble
kind of fucking environment and you didn't.
You don't think so?
You fell out of a tree and your parents are like, ah, shake it off.
Okay.
That is what happened though, right?
What?
Didn't you?
Was it you that fell out of a tree?
No, I got hit by a car.
Oh, right.
You got hit by a car.
You poor baby.
And my parents sent away the ambulance because they didn't like the hospital
they were taking us to.
And I got in a cab and they took us to the hospital they wanted to.
I remember my mother kept telling me, don't go to sleep.
Don't go to sleep.
Oh, no wonder.
Okay.
All right.
Well, I get it now.
No, I'm not saying I fucking grew up in a slum.
I'm just saying it was different back then.
Okay.
Yeah, it was different.
All right.
Well.
Yeah.
That's all I'm saying.
I'm not saying I'm a fucking badass, but like I'm not going to apologize for
having a fucked up world view.
Okay, adults taught me this shit, so.
All right.
Yeah, go talk to them.
I will.
I'll talk to your parents about it at Christmas.
I don't know.
Just anybody roughly their age.
I have a bone to pick with you, Mr. and Mrs. Clark.
Yeah, but you know something there?
There was an overcorrection.
Meaning what?
That there's a reason why it went from fucking walled up douches like me who
only know how to go, oh, big tears, big tears.
I grab toilet paper and make a U-shaped fucking sign around your face that we
went from that to those fucking hipster hoodie wearing bearded fucking pussies
who act like they're 14 years old and awkward on their first fucking date.
Does every generation think that they're tougher than like the next generation?
Is that just what happens?
I don't think I'm tougher than anybody previous to me, and I don't feel like I'm
tougher than anybody like, anybody now.
There's so many fucking places in just the United States alone where kids grow
up way tougher than I did.
But what I'm doing is I'm defending the fact that I don't know what to do when
an adult hits their fucking head and cries like a two-year-old.
I got it.
Nia, I'm not trying to have some, like, Olympics backstory here before you
watch me play ping pong or some other stupid fucking sport that nobody cares
about.
I got to tell you, I got to tell you, the ping pong's pretty cool, and I did
watch the, uh, I did watch a little bit of the, uh, the, uh, the volleyball.
I watched the United States, unfortunately, lost to Italy.
I did watch that.
These fucking slippers allowed.
I don't know.
I'm sorry.
I don't know.
You guys know what I'm saying.
What the fuck?
A goddamn adult starts crying like a two-year-old.
What are you supposed to do?
Jesus Christ.
Other than be like, for the love of God, can you get your shit together?
I felt like being like Barnes and, uh, Platoon.
Just grab Nia and be like, take the pain.