Name: Bill Burr - UFC 202
Uploaded: 2016-08-26T14:21:54.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - UFC 202' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-08-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - UFC 202' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-08-26. Transcript available.

oh i didn't mention i did uh i did finally see the fucking ufc 202 holy shit
was that worth the
money i don't give a fuck if the next three ufc well i'd give a shit three if
the next two stink
i don't give a fuck that's how good 202 was that was that was just uh and of
course i don't know
the names and i don't know shit about fighting you know i gotta admit even like
when i watch
like i'll watch uh uh what's his face there the burger king guy why do i always
forget his fucking
name carter mcgregor there you go like when he's when he's like when he's
fucking doing his press
conferences which is just an amazing performance i don't even know what the
fuck he's talking about
okay i don't know what a fucking triangle is you know under hooks i don't know
what any of that
shit is i just fucking it just i just it's the baddest fucking job you could
possibly have what
do you do for a living i fucking kick somebody's fucking ass fucking walking in
there like it's
the 1800s bare chested just walking in and beating the fuck out it's the
greatest thing ever but i gotta
admit when they get all technical i don't know what the fuck they're talking
about you know so when he
no matter what he's saying i don't hear what he's saying because i don't i don't
i don't know anything
about fighting you know what i mean so all i hear is i got a fucking shiny suit
that's all i hear that's
all when he talks i don't give a fuck what he's saying that's all i got a
fucking shiny suit i got a
par of shoes to match it i got a whole fucking closet full of fucking shiny
suits and a fucking par of
shoes to match all of them i'll put my fucking shiny shoes up on the fucking
table right that's all i hear
you're gonna do nothing he's screaming and yelling and shit throwing water
bottles
it's fucking tremendous no idea what they're talking about and nate diaz
reminds me of every
fucking dude i ever had detention with and went to summer school with right
that fucking dude
who just he wouldn't crack even if he knew you did it he wouldn't say shit
right so i'm liking both of
so i finally sit down right i got a fucking shinies to walk down the street
there's a fucking guy with a
fucking shiny pair of shoes on um um so anyways i watched the whole fucking
fight night uh ufc 202
i got a fucking i got a fucking pocket square freeze one of my fucking suits um
okay there was some guy dressed like a cowboy i remember that he came down like
he looked like he was from the outback like the second you saw this guy you
were like this guy just
does not give a fuck and he he fought a guy this is why i have such a respect
for fighters he fights
this fucking kid who started off as a wrestler in college he lost his first 17
matches
you know jesus i would have been crying after three i knew i stuck at this this
dude lost 17 in a row
as a freshman and stuck with it by the time he was like a senior he was like
some finalist in some
national thing it's fucking these please i'm telling you it's fucking amazing
right i'm trying to think
like a a more badass fucking sport and the only thing i can come up with is
that fucking tt race
in the isle of man where those guys ride like 200 miles an hour through the
fucking woods
on ninjas and shit like every like three four years like somebody dies
it's fucking up like somebody died in like 2014 the guy like hit a house
just doing like fucking i don't know how i don't know how fast he was going but
he went up over a hill
and landed on his front wheel and he was going right to the fucking house and
then that was it
over um and there's a bunch of people standing there it's incredible so i saw
that i was just
like jesus damn it i tell jokes for a living that's like kind of pathetic when
you when you're looking
that way anyway so this fucking this cowboy dude comes in right he fights this
kid who just has no
quitting him right he lost his first 17 matches and now he's in the fucking ufc
and he fucking beat this kid like it was one of the sickest anybody who's like
oh he looks boxing
better than ufc you got to see the way he knocked this guy out if you can't
appreciate
he fucking jabs him in the face and in the moment when he closes his eyes this
guy fucking drops down
two floors like a fucking cat you know and then punches him in his stomach and
the dude's like
what the fuck he leans to the right that guy throws this fucking cowboy guy
throws a left hook
and as his fucking head goes over the right he fucking boots him in the face
it was like matrix level fighting except it was fucking real unbelievable um i
couldn't beat a
fucking fifth grade girl i mean it's just it's so humbling to watch one of
these events so then the
next fight this guy who just goes by rumble right he's standing there this
giant shredded black dude
and he's just sort of adjusting the gloves as he was standing there it was so
intimidating i just
started laughing and without even thinking i just laughed and said what the
fuck do you do with that
and uh according to the one fight i've seen him fight evidently nothing
this guy fucking he he redefined the right there fred he fucking came out the
other guy's doing a
little couple of fucking little i don't know what the fuck i can't remember
what he did
it was a couple of little uh little little fucking a little i don't know what
the fuck you call them
little flurries back and forth and then he kind of just reached out grabbed the
guy by the back of
his head or his shoulder and said like hey you know i i want to talk to you for
a second like uh
what's his face in fucking beverly hills cop when he kills eddie murphy's
friend
jonathan banks jonathan banks remember when he grabs it going like he just puts
his arm around him like
hey you know just do you ever i mean ever i fucked up i'm sorry and he just
fucking he gives him two
by the fucking year that's what he did with this guy he just fucking he just
sort of reached out
grabbed him and then just this fucking uppercut fucking bam over fucking over
the right there
fred you know what's the great thing if you still have it recorded you got to
see bruce buffer's face
that's the fucking greatest reaction ever he's sitting on the side that's what
i like about it when
you watch the knockouts in slow motion you can sometimes see rogan or somebody
just dip their jaws
down like hanging on the floor just it's one of the sick knockouts i've ever
seen
and then uh i don't know i know there was a couple others i was pretty fucking
jet lag and then of
course i woke up conor mcgregor comes out right nate diaz and i'm not gonna lie
to you i was rooting
for nate all right i like nate you know what i mean but i i also knew when he
went in there that
there was the only fucking way he was gonna win that fight was if he knocked
him out tko got him to tap
or choked him out that's the only fucking way because at the end of the day it's
a fucking business
it's a fucking business okay and nobody makes their money like conor mcgregor
when he comes
i got a fucking pair of shoes to match every fucking so when he starts fucking
going off and all the
money he's got coming in there looking like a million bucks and then those
fucking irish guys
so that's the sound of fucking billions of dollars just raining down on the ufc
you gotta you gotta knock
the guy out or it's fucking over so the fucking fight start he starts kicking nate
in the fucking
leg every one of those i was just going that would that i would quit i would
quit again i would i would
i would write an apology to his entire family for stepping into the fucking and
nate's just you know
taking you're seeing the back of his fucking leg is getting bruised up it's
fucking brutal just the
sound of it right anybody else have an older brother and you're just laying on
the couch and you're
watching uh deputy dog or some shit he just comes over and just punches you he's
not a pro
he's just your asshole older brother and he punches you in the side of the leg
that was that was it your
day was over this guy's taking a professional foot to the fucking leg like 50
times it seemed in the
first round anyways he got like knocked down like one or two times in the first
round so obviously he
loses that one all right then gets knocked down in the second round this is how
i saw the fight and
this is somebody who has not ever had a professional fight and lost his last
amateur bout in the seventh
grade and got beat up by a girl in the third grade so you know that you have to
take what i'm saying
seriously i thought from the second half of the uh second round halfway through
the second round as most
people say to the end of the fight i mean i thought he pretty much nate pretty
much
won the fight you know it's the problem was he got knocked down the first half
of the second round so
you're gonna lose that round all right but he definitely won round three i
thought he won round
four and i thought halfway from round four to the end of round five conor mcgregor
was going for like
this country stroll and kept looking at the fucking clock and his mouth was
hanging open and nate just
kept coming i mean one point he'd like he was walking away for like the 10th
time and nate's like giving
him the finger and shit like where the fuck are you going um but i don't know
the end of the day
nate was bleeding like a fucking sieve i think a lot of that's just because he's
got all that scar
tissue and shit he always ends up bleeding but the fucking guy is like a maniac
the more he bleeds
the more he finds the more he bleeds you can't kill it he starts he moves
forward he just keeps going
forward so i don't know i would have been surprised beyond even though it's for
nate if they actually
said nate won the fight i would have been shocked if they gave it to him um
because he did get knocked
down three times and also conor mcgregor makes him all that fucking money and
but when they gave it
to conor else it didn't feel right you know and you know something conor talks
shit afterwards he
goes surprise surprise the fucking king is back or some shit it's like now now
now you looked a little
nervous when they went to the judges you did not look confident what so fucking
ever so don't don't
fucking do that shit now so unbelievable fucking fight this is somebody knows
nothing about fighting
but i know when i see an unbelievable fight so thank you to both of them and i
can't wait for the
fucking third one um it was funny i watched the whole thing while my wife was
like sleeping and shit
and she like she was so i was so i couldn't really like yell and shit and um i
remember laughing my
ass off so many fucking times there was so many funny moments in that like when
they were waiting
for the decision and you you said nate goes he goes i won that shit motherfuckers
fucking guy's the best right and then i like when when the rumble guy won and
he said hey i want to
fight you next and they cut to the champion right and everybody booze him and
they do the whole thing
no no he's a champion everything and when i first saw him i was like is that
rondell sheridan
did he make it as a comedian and get bored and now he's dominating the the
fucking ufc they went on
him so quickly and then they cut back oh that's not rondell sheridan and um and
when i saw the guy who
who is the champion of course i don't know his name either what was hilarious
to me is i found like the
one disadvantage of having a black belt in mixed martial arts is you're so good
at fighting everyone
around you is too scared to say you button too many buttons up
it's like the guy never wore a eyes on before it's like dude what are you doing
i've never seen that
many buttons on a polo shirt and this son of a man he buttoned them off you
know that's how he got his
black belt he didn't quit at the yellow belt this guy kept going and you know
what he he applied the
same things that he learned when he went up the martial arts ladder with those
buttons he goes i'm not
stopping at the ground floor i'm taking this to the end how many buttons are
there i'm gonna button
all of them god damn it he did it all right i think i'm done with this whole
thing here
pet peeves of the ufc all right pet peeves is when they cut to actors in the
crowd
and they ball up their fists like they're fighters it's like dude we get it you're
at a fight what are
you doing if you had a baseball game would you mind mind like being at bat i
hate when people do
shit like that especially if you're not a professional fighter stop stop balling
up your
fuck oh if you played a fighter in a movie and you start balling up your fist
what are you what are
you doing you know i swear to god if i'm ever lucky enough to get close enough
and if i ever get big
enough that they put the camera on me i'm gonna keep it real and i'm not gonna
ball up my fist i'm
gonna imitate a ring girl i'm gonna blow a kiss and do that stupid little hard
thing that they do and
that's gonna be it i'm gonna do a little wave you know representing um it is
always funny too when
they when they cut to somebody too did you see when they cut to kanye west that's
the funniest
ever there's nothing more humbling if you think you're a you're that you're
this
if you go to a professional fight did you see that when he's trying to smile
and the camera's on him you
can see his brain turning going and and after watching the fucking nate diaz
conor mcgregor
fucking epic fight that it was right that should have been a movie it was such
a great fight and
then they cut to kanye west and the smile on his face you can see his his brain
it was turning just
going and and and why do i talk so much i get on stage with a leather kilt and
i rhyme stuff
these guys are gladiators right um anyway there's and i'm telling you almost
every ufc that i've ever
seen there's always that guy they always cut to somebody in the crowd that's
usually talking and
they try to smile their way through it they can't you see it it's undeniable it's
undeniable um
anyways i don't know what the i'm talking about i got a couple advertising
things i have to uh
i gotta read here at this point i'm calling mcgregor i got a shiny suit i got a
power of shoes i got a whole closet full of shiny suits and i got a part of
shoes to match all of them you're gonna do nothing that's one of the great
lines
ever when nate was yelling at him saying he goes you're gonna do nothing
i would love to be able to say that to another man and really believe it
because no matter how hard i said in the back of my head hey you know he's
definitely gonna hit
you a lot bill i mean you gotta who's getting you got a huge head all right it's
a big target it's hard
to miss

Bill Burr - UFC 202

oh i didn't mention i did uh i did finally see the fucking ufc 202 holy shit
was that worth the
money i don't give a fuck if the next three ufc well i'd give a shit three if
the next two stink
i don't give a fuck that's how good 202 was that was that was just uh and of
course i don't know
the names and i don't know shit about fighting you know i gotta admit even like
when i watch
like i'll watch uh uh what's his face there the burger king guy why do i always
forget his fucking
name carter mcgregor there you go like when he's when he's like when he's
fucking doing his press
conferences which is just an amazing performance i don't even know what the
fuck he's talking about
okay i don't know what a fucking triangle is you know under hooks i don't know
what any of that
shit is i just fucking it just i just it's the baddest fucking job you could
possibly have what
do you do for a living i fucking kick somebody's fucking ass fucking walking in
there like it's
the 1800s bare chested just walking in and beating the fuck out it's the
greatest thing ever but i gotta
admit when they get all technical i don't know what the fuck they're talking
about you know so when he
no matter what he's saying i don't hear what he's saying because i don't i don't
i don't know anything
about fighting you know what i mean so all i hear is i got a fucking shiny suit
that's all i hear that's
all when he talks i don't give a fuck what he's saying that's all i got a
fucking shiny suit i got a
par of shoes to match it i got a whole fucking closet full of fucking shiny
suits and a fucking par of
shoes to match all of them i'll put my fucking shiny shoes up on the fucking
table right that's all i hear
you're gonna do nothing he's screaming and yelling and shit throwing water
bottles
it's fucking tremendous no idea what they're talking about and nate diaz
reminds me of every
fucking dude i ever had detention with and went to summer school with right
that fucking dude
who just he wouldn't crack even if he knew you did it he wouldn't say shit
right so i'm liking both of
so i finally sit down right i got a fucking shinies to walk down the street
there's a fucking guy with a
fucking shiny pair of shoes on um um so anyways i watched the whole fucking
fight night uh ufc 202
i got a fucking i got a fucking pocket square freeze one of my fucking suits um
okay there was some guy dressed like a cowboy i remember that he came down like
he looked like he was from the outback like the second you saw this guy you
were like this guy just
does not give a fuck and he he fought a guy this is why i have such a respect
for fighters he fights
this fucking kid who started off as a wrestler in college he lost his first 17
matches
you know jesus i would have been crying after three i knew i stuck at this this
dude lost 17 in a row
as a freshman and stuck with it by the time he was like a senior he was like
some finalist in some
national thing it's fucking these please i'm telling you it's fucking amazing
right i'm trying to think
like a a more badass fucking sport and the only thing i can come up with is
that fucking tt race
in the isle of man where those guys ride like 200 miles an hour through the
fucking woods
on ninjas and shit like every like three four years like somebody dies
it's fucking up like somebody died in like 2014 the guy like hit a house
just doing like fucking i don't know how i don't know how fast he was going but
he went up over a hill
and landed on his front wheel and he was going right to the fucking house and
then that was it
over um and there's a bunch of people standing there it's incredible so i saw
that i was just
like jesus damn it i tell jokes for a living that's like kind of pathetic when
you when you're looking
that way anyway so this fucking this cowboy dude comes in right he fights this
kid who just has no
quitting him right he lost his first 17 matches and now he's in the fucking ufc
and he fucking beat this kid like it was one of the sickest anybody who's like
oh he looks boxing
better than ufc you got to see the way he knocked this guy out if you can't
appreciate
he fucking jabs him in the face and in the moment when he closes his eyes this
guy fucking drops down
two floors like a fucking cat you know and then punches him in his stomach and
the dude's like
what the fuck he leans to the right that guy throws this fucking cowboy guy
throws a left hook
and as his fucking head goes over the right he fucking boots him in the face
it was like matrix level fighting except it was fucking real unbelievable um i
couldn't beat a
fucking fifth grade girl i mean it's just it's so humbling to watch one of
these events so then the
next fight this guy who just goes by rumble right he's standing there this
giant shredded black dude
and he's just sort of adjusting the gloves as he was standing there it was so
intimidating i just
started laughing and without even thinking i just laughed and said what the
fuck do you do with that
and uh according to the one fight i've seen him fight evidently nothing
this guy fucking he he redefined the right there fred he fucking came out the
other guy's doing a
little couple of fucking little i don't know what the fuck i can't remember
what he did
it was a couple of little uh little little fucking a little i don't know what
the fuck you call them
little flurries back and forth and then he kind of just reached out grabbed the
guy by the back of
his head or his shoulder and said like hey you know i i want to talk to you for
a second like uh
what's his face in fucking beverly hills cop when he kills eddie murphy's
friend
jonathan banks jonathan banks remember when he grabs it going like he just puts
his arm around him like
hey you know just do you ever i mean ever i fucked up i'm sorry and he just
fucking he gives him two
by the fucking year that's what he did with this guy he just fucking he just
sort of reached out
grabbed him and then just this fucking uppercut fucking bam over fucking over
the right there
fred you know what's the great thing if you still have it recorded you got to
see bruce buffer's face
that's the fucking greatest reaction ever he's sitting on the side that's what
i like about it when
you watch the knockouts in slow motion you can sometimes see rogan or somebody
just dip their jaws
down like hanging on the floor just it's one of the sick knockouts i've ever
seen
and then uh i don't know i know there was a couple others i was pretty fucking
jet lag and then of
course i woke up conor mcgregor comes out right nate diaz and i'm not gonna lie
to you i was rooting
for nate all right i like nate you know what i mean but i i also knew when he
went in there that
there was the only fucking way he was gonna win that fight was if he knocked
him out tko got him to tap
or choked him out that's the only fucking way because at the end of the day it's
a fucking business
it's a fucking business okay and nobody makes their money like conor mcgregor
when he comes
i got a fucking pair of shoes to match every fucking so when he starts fucking
going off and all the
money he's got coming in there looking like a million bucks and then those
fucking irish guys
so that's the sound of fucking billions of dollars just raining down on the ufc
you gotta you gotta knock
the guy out or it's fucking over so the fucking fight start he starts kicking nate
in the fucking
leg every one of those i was just going that would that i would quit i would
quit again i would i would
i would write an apology to his entire family for stepping into the fucking and
nate's just you know
taking you're seeing the back of his fucking leg is getting bruised up it's
fucking brutal just the
sound of it right anybody else have an older brother and you're just laying on
the couch and you're
watching uh deputy dog or some shit he just comes over and just punches you he's
not a pro
he's just your asshole older brother and he punches you in the side of the leg
that was that was it your
day was over this guy's taking a professional foot to the fucking leg like 50
times it seemed in the
first round anyways he got like knocked down like one or two times in the first
round so obviously he
loses that one all right then gets knocked down in the second round this is how
i saw the fight and
this is somebody who has not ever had a professional fight and lost his last
amateur bout in the seventh
grade and got beat up by a girl in the third grade so you know that you have to
take what i'm saying
seriously i thought from the second half of the uh second round halfway through
the second round as most
people say to the end of the fight i mean i thought he pretty much nate pretty
much
won the fight you know it's the problem was he got knocked down the first half
of the second round so
you're gonna lose that round all right but he definitely won round three i
thought he won round
four and i thought halfway from round four to the end of round five conor mcgregor
was going for like
this country stroll and kept looking at the fucking clock and his mouth was
hanging open and nate just
kept coming i mean one point he'd like he was walking away for like the 10th
time and nate's like giving
him the finger and shit like where the fuck are you going um but i don't know
the end of the day
nate was bleeding like a fucking sieve i think a lot of that's just because he's
got all that scar
tissue and shit he always ends up bleeding but the fucking guy is like a maniac
the more he bleeds
the more he finds the more he bleeds you can't kill it he starts he moves
forward he just keeps going
forward so i don't know i would have been surprised beyond even though it's for
nate if they actually
said nate won the fight i would have been shocked if they gave it to him um
because he did get knocked
down three times and also conor mcgregor makes him all that fucking money and
but when they gave it
to conor else it didn't feel right you know and you know something conor talks
shit afterwards he
goes surprise surprise the fucking king is back or some shit it's like now now
now you looked a little
nervous when they went to the judges you did not look confident what so fucking
ever so don't don't
fucking do that shit now so unbelievable fucking fight this is somebody knows
nothing about fighting
but i know when i see an unbelievable fight so thank you to both of them and i
can't wait for the
fucking third one um it was funny i watched the whole thing while my wife was
like sleeping and shit
and she like she was so i was so i couldn't really like yell and shit and um i
remember laughing my
ass off so many fucking times there was so many funny moments in that like when
they were waiting
for the decision and you you said nate goes he goes i won that shit motherfuckers
fucking guy's the best right and then i like when when the rumble guy won and
he said hey i want to
fight you next and they cut to the champion right and everybody booze him and
they do the whole thing
no no he's a champion everything and when i first saw him i was like is that
rondell sheridan
did he make it as a comedian and get bored and now he's dominating the the
fucking ufc they went on
him so quickly and then they cut back oh that's not rondell sheridan and um and
when i saw the guy who
who is the champion of course i don't know his name either what was hilarious
to me is i found like the
one disadvantage of having a black belt in mixed martial arts is you're so good
at fighting everyone
around you is too scared to say you button too many buttons up
it's like the guy never wore a eyes on before it's like dude what are you doing
i've never seen that
many buttons on a polo shirt and this son of a man he buttoned them off you
know that's how he got his
black belt he didn't quit at the yellow belt this guy kept going and you know
what he he applied the
same things that he learned when he went up the martial arts ladder with those
buttons he goes i'm not
stopping at the ground floor i'm taking this to t