Name: Bill Burr - Traffic Etiquette
Uploaded: 2016-08-30T16:54:10.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Traffic Etiquette' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-08-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Traffic Etiquette' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-08-30. Transcript available.

You know something, I just feel too much stress when I'm playing golf.
There's always that group of people behind me, they're always better than me,
and I feel like a fucking asshole, like I'm ruining their day.
You know?
Like when, and a few times I've golfed, I feel the same level of stress,
like when I'm the first person at a red light to make a left,
you know, and there's like five people behind me.
Like literally my heart starts racing, because I know that not only is it my
job
to make sure that the person behind me makes it through the fucking light, okay?
Like the person behind the person.
This is how it works out here in LA, by the way, for all you Boston people,
so you don't fucking almost get yourself killed.
You know that move you do in Boston where the light turns green
and you just stomp on the fucking gas and you cut in front of people?
As far as I know, Boston is the only area of the country that does that,
and it's totally acceptable.
Like as soon as the light turns green, you just stomp on the gas
and fucking cut in front of two lanes of traffic.
Out here, if you do that, you're going to get killed.
Nobody's ready for it.
They're not good drivers, and it's going to be at least three lanes of shit
coming at you.
My brother came out and visited me one time.
And I forgot about that move.
And we were on like Venice Boulevard, and the light turned green,
and he stomped on the fucking gas, and I just put my foot up on the dashboards.
I was like, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do!
We made it halfway across, and he was like, you know, like when you're driving
and you don't know what's going on and the other person's freaking out,
but you can't figure out what?
You get like mad?
I was like, do, do, do, do, do, do!
And he just stopped.
He's like, what?
And everybody's beeping at him.
And I was just like, dude, you can't do that out here.
You can't.
And he goes, all right.
And we had to just sit there as everyone drove around us,
looking at us like, what the fuck?
Anyways, getting back to the golf thing.
So out here, one of my pet peeves is fucking people who's the first people in
line.
Your job, you get out into the intersection.
You get out into the intersection, right?
And you make sure that not only the person behind you, the person behind you.
Behind the person behind you.
There you go.
Two fucking cars back.
Jesus, Bill.
You know?
That's why I feel like when I'm golfing.
I swear to God, one of these times, I'm just going to do, I'm going to fucking,
I got this GoPro for my birthday.
It's still sitting on my desk, just mocking me, going,
yeah, you thought you could figure this out, didn't you, Bill?
Yeah, you really thought you were going to use this fucking thing.
I would love to give a fucking tutorial on how to drive in LA.
I really would.
You know what I mean?
And I'm talking, just how to behave.
There's too many fucking people out here.
The traffic is fucking ridiculous.
I just really want to do this.
I'll even tell you how to be a good pedestrian.
All right?
You get in the crosswalk, you fucking hustle.
Okay?
You know what I mean?
I've been walking, okay?
And I see, I'm approaching the intersection,
and I see that person wanting to turn,
and they're looking at me like, fuck.
You know what I do?
I stop, I wave them through.
Third base coach, waving like five cars through.
Go ahead.
Go ahead.
Because the second this thing turns red,
I can just run across.
It'll be fine.
Five cars will fucking make it,
and I'll get across.
No biggie.
Or I can be a douche
and just completely not even pay attention
to the situation you're in in your car,
acting like I've never been that guy,
and just stroll across the street,
and I'll fuck at least two people out of the light.
You know what I mean?
You know what I'm talking about right now?
I'm talking about having a little bit of empathy.