Name: Bill Burr - Bringing Food To A Party
Uploaded: 2016-09-06T07:38:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Bringing Food To A Party' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-09-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Bringing Food To A Party' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-09-06. Transcript available.

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the monday morning podcast
for monday september 5th 2016 what's going on how are you uh sorry the podcast
is so late today
uh oh that's a lie i'm not sorry i'm full is what i am i went to a labor day
party you know
i had to make a fucking pie you know that's what i do they go hey you know
bring something do this
do that blah blah blah and i said all right man i'll fucking uh i'll bring i'll
make a fucking pie
and uh i was doing that this morning and then the thing started at noon and i
went over there and i
had been doing so well with my diet last week i told you i was almost 190 it
was 189.8 i need to
get down to a buck 71 72 for my special on october 21st so i stepped on the
scale yesterday and even
know the weigh-in was uh for tuesday by tuesday i wanted to be down to 186 but
i was uh 185.6
by sunday so the first week you always do a big drop you can drop like three
four pounds just because
your body's so fucking shocked like oh my god salad what the hell is this you
know you throw a little
bit of cardio in it you can drop but now this week this week is the week you
bought my body goes like
oh so we're doing this now oh okay and then then it starts to slow down so um i
really got to go hard
so i got down to 186 185.6 made it by four ounces and um so next week i got to
be 183 that's it i just
keep going 183 180 177 174 171 and then i should have like a week to go and as
long as i'm not a
fucking moron um i won't look like fucking billy fat tits on my special in
between specials you know
what are you gonna do but you know that's one of the good things about doing a
special every every
two years man i get in shape
so anyways i went to this party today and it was just like
ah it's a fucking they had everything laid out right and then in the other room
they had the salads
and that's if i saw those i would have gone for them because i was in such a
good headspace
i had my eggs with my fucking oatmeal i had a grapefruit for a fucking snack my
body was not
was just like we're good we're good we're not craving sugar not craving salt
and i went in there
the salads were in the other room and right out in the open they had they had
burgers they had dogs
they had a nacho making machine and old freckles hit it oh i hit every hit
every station
went in there like rick flair just ate them all said voice in the back of your
head silently what
are you doing stop and i just couldn't stop what do you want something to drink
you know we got waters
we got beer we go yeah what do you want what do you want i'm thinking drink a
water my mouth just
goes uh yeah i'll try a beer so i had a beer then i had a root beer then i had
a little this banana
cream pie then of course i had to cut into my pie because nobody was eating it
that happens a lot by
the way you know there's that thing when you become an adult and you've just
complete you've completely
lost all sense of who the you are you know you're in a relationship you're just
busy 24 7 you got bills
your kitchen's up you know what i mean you don't even know what you're doing
anymore you're putting
on weight you the one thing that you have as a adult is that you go to a party
you make some food
and you just sit there hoping somebody's gonna eat it say it's good and
validate your existence
you know nobody nobody dug into the pie and then there's then there's tricks
there's tricks what you
do is when nobody's looking you dig into your own right you try to position to
a place where
other people can see it you know when you dig into your own pie or your own
souffle whatever the
you made right hoping that you know it's like when you're at an auction you
know when you're selling
a car nobody's bidding on it you know there are people that will actually bid
on their own car
trying to get people going did you're priming the pump you're playing a little
uh yeah you're playing
a little you're gambling oh i'm laying down that's how how much i ate today
laying down on
the floor like a goddamn freckled dog um yeah so then people finally dug into
it uh crust was great
as always but i don't know if the blueberries weren't weren't right or if i
didn't use enough
sugar you know this one called for like lemon zest i felt like there should
have been lemon juice in
there there was just way too tart though so i guess the lemon juice wouldn't
have helped it needed
something else so i got to tell you it needs something else but oh you should
have seen the
pie crust though the old upstairs downstairs you know anybody can you know the
downstairs one is
hard enough when we try to make that top pie crust to meet the other one oh
that is a show
that is a show waiting to happen the first few times i made it they would
always
like split at the top and then you just it's you want it to be totally smooth
right because you can't
if you up the bottom one no one sees it because you got the filling but if you
up the top one
that's when people know if you're an expert or you feel intermediate or you
suck and this one actually
came out great and uh and then of course the filling wasn't that good but uh if
you had a little
scoop of ice cream with it it was fine so embarrassing i had to go eat my own
pie
no actually i mentioned it to the host he was like which one you made you made
the blueberry
and then he sat down he just had it just because i was bringing it up he knew
it he knew it i was
like the you know i was like the chick without the date on prom night he felt
bad that's what it was
it was a sympathy pie slice of pie this is too weird now talking about pie and
ladies what do you want
from me i'm full