Name: Bill Burr - Having 9 Kids
Uploaded: 2016-09-09T04:50:47.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Having 9 Kids' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-09-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Having 9 Kids' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-09-09. Transcript available.

San Diego vs Kansas City. I'm gonna go with the man with a million children and
pick San Diego, right? What's his... I forget everybody's name the second the
season ends. It's the guy's fucking name. He's got like nine kids. Oh, what's
his
fucking name? What is his name? Not Andrew Luck, not Eli Manning, not Tyrod
Taylor, not Derek Carr, not Matthew Stadford, Philip Rivers. I'm gonna go with
the man, you know, the man with the golden gun. This is the man with a million
kids. He's like real life the fucking Waltons, you know? And if you're gonna
have nine kids, you might as well be a fucking multi-millionaire. Can you
imagine what Christmas must be like at their house? Like how many fucking trees
they have? It's got to be insane. He probably buys all these sick-ass fucking
gifts. You know what I mean? If I had nine fucking kids and I had his money, I'd
buy them all like electric cars and I'd make them, you know, those little toy
cars that you can sit in, little kid can sit in, I'd make them race themselves
around
the fucking thing. I'd have one of those circular driveways, right? I'd have
time
trials on Saturday. I'd put them all in the super softs on Sunday and I'd let
him
just fucking whip around. And whoever won got dessert and got to hang with me
and
then the rest of them would be banished to the loser wing of my mansion. And
sure, they
would resent me. A lot of them would cry, especially the little ones, you know?
But
there'd be no excuses come Sunday. Even if you were a baby, you know, if you
couldn't
figure out how to just roll down onto the gas pedal and at least make a fucking
effort, slam
into somebody, then that would be it. You would be banished. My wife didn't
like it. She would
be banished too, right? This is why God never let me be a fucking NFL
quarterback. That's
exactly what I would do. If I had nine fucking kids, Jesus Christ, every one of
them would
have like chores and I would never have shit to do. If you have nine kids, you
can actually
run a farm. So if you just live in a fucking house, you know what I mean? I'd
give each
one of them a room. You clean up the study. That's your job, right? You don't
clean up the
study. I'm taking away your car. You're going to get punished. A couple of grid
positions
come Sunday. You're never going to have fucking dessert again. You'd have to be
strict with
nine kids, I would think, right? Jesus Christ, how many belts would you have to
go through
during your fucking, the course of your, you know? Or if you're that dude from
the Vikings,
like how many fucking weeds or switches would you be pulling out of the ground?
What kind
of a fucking lunatic hits his own son in the nuts with the switch? You know
what I mean?
I get it. That's the way you were brought up. But you know, you usually try to
correct
shit with your parents. You know, at some point you'd be like, you know, I'm
going to stop
short of hitting my own son in his little fucking prepubescent ball sack with
the fucking switch.
You would like to think that someone would make that leap. But you know, not
everybody,
not everybody is as enlightened as me. I like giving people advice that have
children and I don't have
any. You know what I mean? If you had nine kids, you could actually, you could,
even if nobody had any
musical ability, if you've sent all nine of them to American Idol, you got to
think one of them would
at least make it to Vegas, right? Someone would just have to be able to carry a
fucking tune.
Jesus Christ, that's a giant goddamn table. Five kids on one side, four on the
other, your wife on
one side, you on the other. I mean, how many fucking turkeys is that?
It's a lot of goddamn kids. That's fucking not that's like turn of the last
century level kids.
You know what I mean? They would just have nine because you knew someone was
going to die of polio.
Somebody was going to get tuberculosis, right? Someone was going to fall down a
fucking well.
And right there, you're down to six. You know, it starts getting nervous. I
mean, those crops,
you know, the harvest is coming in. We're down to six fucking kids.
You know, your wife's just laying on her back, making fucking bread with one
hand, churning butter with
the other. And you just at the end of the day, you come in and you just fucking
walk right between
her legs like you do when you're behind the herd of oxen and you just fucking
put another one in her.
Dude, you know what you'd be like? You're like a college coach, college
basketball coach. It's
like coaching Kentucky at that point, the way the kids would leave you. You
know, Kentucky,
they're like one and done, all the good players. So like you constantly got to
be fucking out there,
priming the pump, throwing the dollar bills around, handing out gold transams,
right?
But back in the day, rather than leaving and going to the pros, they were just
dying. You know what
I mean? The more they died, the more farmland they took up. I mean, granted,
they were enriching the
soil if their bodies decomposed. Well, their bodies would decompose back then,
right? But they still put
them in the boxes. But you couldn't plant over there. You know what I mean? Oh
my God, I'm eating this
cauliflower. For some reason, I'm thinking about Eddie. Oh, that's interesting
you say that, honey,
because that's right where I fucking buried him. Yeah. When the Native
Americans decided to do a drive-by
and he took a fucking hatchet to the head. I told him to duck. He didn't. He
was weak. He doesn't
deserve to live. All right. And there you go. Now you're down to five kids. Now
you're down to five
kids. I'm going to Google this right now. Ways to die in 1900. Let's see what
comes up. All right.
Ways to die in 1900. Wasn't this a sixth sitcom? It was a short-lived sitcom,
right? It was on
right after eight ways to fuck your mother, whatever the fuck it's called.
All right. Ways to die. How we died 200 years ago. Leading causes of death in
the U.S. in 1900. All
right. All right. This is how your kids died. If you had, this is why you had
to have nine kids
back in the day. All right. Influenza pneumonia. See ya. There goes a good two,
three kids. Tuberculosis. I called that. This is like the morbid family feud.
Gastrointestinal infections.
Heart disease.
And then sebrovascular disease. Whatever the fuck that is. What about farming
equipment?
By 1950, it was heart disease. Oh, no. This isn't kids, though. I got to put, I
got to say kids.
Ways to die as a kid. Jesus. What sort of watch list does this put me on? All
right. Let me write,
let me type this out. Ways to die as a child in 1900. Well, childbirth was one
of them. Then you
lost your wife. That was like your scout, right? Fuck. Who's going to keep
bringing in the new talent?
Um, ways to die. Trends. Death. This historical horror of childbirth. All right.
Leading causes of death.
Uh, you know what? They're not going to have it. Death and childbirth.
Whatever. I'm still going with farming equipment, you know? Dad's out on the
team of oxen.
Go tell Paul it's time for dinner, right? You go out there and the oxen get spooked
or some
shit and they run over you. Bill, we don't want to know about fucking dead farm
kids. All right.
Well, you know, the fuck you want from me.