Name: Bill Burr - Checking In | Doll's Feet | Rat Shit
Uploaded: 2016-09-16T15:37:12.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Checking In | Doll's Feet | Rat Shit' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-09-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Checking In | Doll's Feet | Rat Shit' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-09-16. Transcript available.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. I'm
just checking in on you like a friend, like a pal, just calling to say hello.
You know what I mean? You know, when somebody calls just to say air quote,
hello, and you know, as much as you're sitting there going, oh, you want to
believe it.
Oh, this is so nice. He's just saying hello. The thing is the first seven
minutes, the first seven minutes, you got to be on pins and needles. Like, when's
it coming? When's it coming? When's the favor going to be asked? I never hear
from this motherfucker. And now he's called, hey, just called to say what's
going on. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And they wind their fucking way around.
They do-si-do you around the room. You're like, wow, isn't this nice? He just
called to say hello. He's really asking me how I'm doing and my wife are doing.
All of a sudden, there it comes. Oh, that's great. You know, interesting you
should say that because, dude, I could use about, I could use about two grand.
You know, I know it's a lot. I'm embarrassed to even ask you, but like, I just,
you know, I hit a little bit of a rough patch.
I'll get it back to you probably by the end of the month or maybe never worst
case scenario. I'll never bring it up again. But when you do, I'll make it seem
like you're the asshole. Like, really? You're going to do this now? You're
going to do this now in front of my family? They're not here, dude. They left
you years ago. Oh, then you're going to bring that up? You know, one of those
fucking guys, no matter what you do, somehow you're the douche.
Somehow you're the one at fault. You know how that works. People, you know,
they don't take responsibility for themselves. Like me, you know? I'm a fucking
pillar of this community.
That's when you know it's time to move. If I'm saying that type of shit and you
live anywhere near me. Um, so guess what? Um, my old ass kitchen, my old ass
fucking kitchen is, uh, they started to work on it today.
So we rented a small house around the corner because last time, long time
listeners, you know, we fucking ended up getting like smoker coughs. You can't
live in a house where they're doing demolition. You just can't. I've done it
twice.
I did it once in New York. Um, once again, I was put in a kitchen and it was
the ugly, um, the kitchen I had was the ugliest fucking kitchen you've ever
seen in your life. The cabinets were like this. Um, you know, like when, when
they try to have like the flesh color of a, of a slightly less pasty person
than me, you know, that color.
It's not white. It's not peach. It's not tan. It's just that fucking color. It
was that color counters and cabinets. And then it was a dark Brown outline on
the cabinets with that foot. It was like, you know, when they make a doll and
it's supposed to be a Caucasian doll. Like back in the day, you remember that?
Fuck. It was that fuck. Oh, that's perfect. Minus the rosy cheeks. It was that
color, right?
Like the color of the thing's fucking foot. I had a doll foot colored kitchen
was shit Brown. And I mean, shit Brown, you know, shit fucking Brown. Jesus
Christ. You're an animal shit Brown outline around the cabinet. And then I had
this fucking stove that like, I swear to God was from like the Serpico era of
New York.
Um, and I want to say the walls were yellow, like used to be a sun yellow. And
then that basically over the years faded into your dreams have died. And this
is your lot in life yellow. Um, and you know, I could barely afford to get the
kitchen done. So I had to be there and I was in a one bedroom apartment and
they did the ceiling to floor fucking plastic shit.
It, I mean, it gets most of it, but the rest of it goes right into your fucking
lungs. I mean, it just took for fucking ever. And, um, uh, but when it was done,
it was the shit.
It was finally fucking done. But I remember, you know what they forgot to do.
They forgot to give me a little place to put a wastebasket. And they were like,
Oh fuck. And then they just jerry rigged this fucking horse shit that never
made sense. I never even used it. And I lost a little cabinet space, which is
crucial in any kitchen. Forget about when you got a little ass fucking one
bedroom apartment in New York.
So the next time I did anything, you know, left New York, sold the old digs,
came out here, you know, went back to rent and then got a fucking house. And we
did the whole downstairs, which turned into a fucking nightmare because, uh, my
house is, uh, 93 years old at this point.
Um, so we had all kinds of cloth wiring. We had all sense galvanized pipe. We
had a gas leak. We just, every fuck we, at one point there were rodents in the
wall. So when we took the wall out, there was a bunch of rodent shits in the
wall. You know, when they listed that thing and I went to buy it, they did,
they didn't say that they, they didn't disclose that you don't have to disclose
to the perspective buyer that, Oh, by the way,
we had some sort of mouse or rat problem. And they ate through the fucking
walls and they shit wherever they wanted to shit. And it was just, it was
literally a shit show.
So that took a fucking year to undo the, the whole downstairs was completely
fucked up, not up to code. Now that took the whole fucking year to get that
fixed. So now that's fixed. So, and then upstairs, the fucking, the floors were
warped.
I mean, if you put a marble on my floor, it would roll as fast as that thing
that chased Indiana Jones. Like that's how fucking warped they were. That giant
fucking ball, you know?
Um, by the way, that's the only sci-fi type movie I could handle. Cause you
know, it was weird. It was like science fiction, but it was like back in the
day, you know?
So there was still like people's and when people walk around with like fucking
pointy ears and, uh, you know, grabbing you by your fucking scapula.
And then you're for some reason pass out, even though it makes no fucking sense
whatsoever.
No, it's a Vulcan nerve. What, what, I mean, there's nerves everywhere. What,
what exactly is there?
Fuck is that dude's name?
Spock.
Right. Did he have a last name?
Or was that not logical?
You fucking douche.
With your Mo from the Three Stooges haircut.
You're not fooling anybody.
Right? And your diva fucking eyebrows.
That dude was a fraud.
Um, anyways, the fuck? I started talking about Spock. No, I'm getting my
fucking, uh, kitchen. So today, today was a big day.
So we moved into the little fucking small place. Right.
And, uh, you know, just grab clothes and shit.
You know, that's it.
Bottle of booze. I hate to say that. I actually packed up a bottle of booze.
I mean, Bill, how many fucking red flags do you need to see?
Um,
I took that thing with me, like, ooh, ooh, I gotta bring that, like, I forgot
my checkbook.
Um, but I gotta tell you, it was delicious.
Delicious.
A little bourbon called yippee-ki-yay.
Not motherfucker for all you diehard fans, just yippee-ki-yay.
Might be a whiskey. I don't even know.
All I know is when you pour it into the glass, you, you can't put a fucking ice
cube in it
because it's just that fucking beautiful.
It would be, it would, it would be absolutely sacrilegious.
Um, yeah, my wife's fucking texting, calling me right now.
What is the problem?
What is the problem? I heard you pull up.
I can't figure out the keys.
You, I, I sense that you're laying down, enjoying yourself.
Is there any way you could get up and not be relaxed?
All right, here we go.
Doing podcast.
Oh, then I can't do that. That's too blunt.
What's up?
All right, all right. What's up?
What should I go with? Cutie?
Let's go with sweetie.
Sweetie pie, is that too much? Is that too pandering?
What do you want to go with sweetie?
Question mark. No emoji.
Emoji's for, for fucking boys.
All right, real men don't emoji.
All right, they take that big fucking devil egg eating thumbs
and they try to, they do the best they can.
I use emojis.
My favorite thing to do is to use emojis with another man
who fucking for some reason will get like homophobic
if you send him one, you know?
And once you sense that on him,
you just keep sending more and more emojis
and you gradually build your way up to that,
the little fucking smiley face that's blowing the kiss
that's a little heart, you know?
Um, anyway, so we fucking, um...
Where? Guest house?
I don't know. What the fuck?
What are you talking about?
Oh, Jesus Christ.
What the fuck does it matter?
Where the fuck I'm doing it?
Guest house? You mean garage?
They're always trying to fucking hook shit up.
No, fucking downstairs.
She's out in the driveway.
All right.
Anyways.
Plowing ahead.
Why would you answer it, Bill?
Why would you answer it?
When am I going to learn that?
You just don't fucking answer it.
And then they'll be like,
where were you?
What were you doing when you see him?
And you just get it all out.
And it's so easy to, much easier to say it
than to try to fucking text it.
Forget about that whole voice message thing.
It always ends up fucking something up.
Especially pronouns.
So it never makes any sense.
That and there.
Or maybe I'm a mumbling jackass.
I'll tell you right now who could not voice text.
It's Shannon Sharp.
Jesus Christ.
I don't know who's harder to understand it.
Understand it's him
or that fucking guy who picked me up in Scotland.
Bull.
Bull.
Hey, Bull.
Bull.
Willem.
You're before Bull, Willem.
Okay.
You're looking at me.
I don't know what.
Are you literally talking to me?
Yep.
I fought.
Bull.
Willem.
I don't know.