Name: Bil Burr - Bill Calls DIRECTV
Uploaded: 2016-09-20T01:33:33.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bil Burr - Bill Calls DIRECTV' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-09-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bil Burr - Bill Calls DIRECTV' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-09-20. Transcript available.

so this fucking place where i'm we're staying at they don't have the fucking nfl
package what kind
of a fucking man doesn't have the nfl package okay i don't give a shit if your
kid has the mumps
you see you carve out something out of your budget all right to have the
fucking nfl package so i'm
sitting there going like i know i can watch it i know i can watch it on my
computer so there's no
adult there or child who's kidding who to help me navigate this thing so i go
on to the direct tv
thing i sign up for something for 99 bucks and i did it and i was like oh my
god i did it i did it
and i uh you know patriots dolphins i want to see this i missed the first half
and whatever i signed
up for was to get the radio feed it cost me like 99 bucks to listen to it on
the radio what am i a
world war one fighter pilot huh what am i some guy from a time before tv sorry
sorry for the bad
reference there i mean what the i'm not 80 right so now i'm trying to figure
out how to get the video
while i have the game on the radio and all i'm hearing is that garoppolo fades
back to pass and
this guy was coming at him for like 10 yards and he evidently he stood there
like steve grogan until
the last second stay on target and then he let it go i still haven't seen the
replay and i guess he got
picked up and slammed to the ground and uh you know i guess he up his shoulder
i have no idea so now they
got this other guy coming in for nc state the place i went to for two semesters
way back in the day um
and they proceed to march right down the field so anyways long story short so i
i end up having a
call up direct tv right and i and i get into that nightmare you know thank you
for calling direct tv
if you're calling about a pay-per-view that you already ordered press one if
you're calling about
one that you want to order press two and then right there i sit there and you
got to make that thing okay
if i call up and say that i already ordered it that means they already have my
money so i know i'm going
to be on hold longer so i always go with the second option acting as though
that i want to order something
now because that will get you to a person immediately like because i just feel
like they're like oh we don't
have this person's number yet so always pick that option but for whatever
reason
you know i i picked the first option i decided not to lie and then i got
dragged into this whole thing
and but i'm just trying to stay calm you know patience is a virtue this old guy
said this to
me when i was in in charlotte north carolina we're both sitting in a bank and i
was trying to do
something it was a saturday there was a bunch of fucking people there oh i know
i had to wire money
to get this fucking place because the last people fucked us over on the other
place and the people
were coming to fix the kitchen and we had to be out of there and it was saturday
and you know saturday
you don't want to go to a bank on saturday that's when nobody who has their
money right shows up on
a fucking saturday right and they just sit there like like like children trying
to figure out you
know that whatever 100 minus 110 means negative 10 and you have no fucking
money and you owe the money
back the bank money right so i was just sitting there going oh god and this guy
was like a preacher or
something like that this older dude and he just and i could tell he was
frustrated and he just said out
loud page he's like patience is a virtue and i've been hanging on to that white
knuckling to that so
i'm sitting there trying to navigate this robot system knowing knowing i know
how this story ends
it's charlie brown trying to kick the football i know it's not going to happen
but i'm trying to channel
my wife's calm relaxed energy i'm trying to channel this guy and i'm just
answering all the questions
and you know what all of a sudden you know i'm not knocking down the hurdles i'm
clearing them
okay i'm getting out in front of this race i can see the finish line all right
i clear the last
fucking hurdle and all of a sudden i forget what the thing was it's like if you
just if you want to sign
up no no it finally got to if you would like to speak i forget what the last
one was but it was the
last thing i had to do it's like say yes and i was like oh my god i did it and
i went yes and this
fucking thing this system heard the other 80 fucking questions it asked i had
to keep hitting
mute to go ah you fucking cunt and then unmute it because if you yell oh you
fucking cunt into it
the robot goes i'm sorry i didn't understand and then you got to go back to the
beginning so i got
my fucking mute game is down so i get the fucking anger out and then i just
kept going pleasantly i'd be
like you know uh order nfl on my computer and then asked another question i'd
be like jesus christ how
many on mute how many questions you gotta ask me and then go unmute it and be
like yes so i answered
all 18 of the questions all right and the last one was basically it was n like
is so this is what you
want to do and i just go yes and the thing all of a sudden just goes i'm sorry
i didn't understand
and then it starts asking the question and i immediately start pan panicking as
it's asking
the question i'm going yes yes right and it fucking stops you know just you
know if this is what you
want to do say yes if not say no and i was like yes and then this is excruciating
second pause and it
comes back on and goes i'm sorry i didn't understand and then i just went yes
in this
empty fucking room like a complete lunatic and of course it didn't hear me and
then i just started
yelling operator person you fucking cunt and i finally hit zero because a lot
of them don't have
that option anymore i hit zero and it actually took me you know it put me on
hold and now i'm like oh my
god it was just like uh you know now i was on hold and then i'm thinking like
oh my god i'm gonna be
on hold forever it's football sunday every 48 year old and above dude like me
who blew off computers
this is my only i i blew this off i remember i was living with bobby kelly and
he totally embraced
computers the guy can like you know he can go into the dark web if he wants to
he knows what the
fuck he's doing i was just like these things are fucking stupid give me a
notebook and a pen i'm
gonna go churn some fucking butter in here right um and i'm still paying the
price so i'm on hold
for fucking ever as i'm you know but it's halftime and uh the patriots somehow
are up like i don't know
20 something to like three and uh i guess garoppolo looked looked fucking
amazing so
as i'm on hold for like 20 minutes that computer cunt keeps coming back going
you know basically saying you're gonna be on hold for a long time but it's a
lot easier it's a lot
easy and more exciting if you go to our website and it's like fuck you i don't
work for you
you know plus the reality is i can't figure it out um so finally this woman
comes on
after like a half hour and she's just like hey how you doing thanks for calling
direct tv
we have a pleasant day but blah blah she said great energy she goes uh she just
goes basically what's
the problem i was like the problems i'm 48 years old i've blown off computers
and i don't know how to
i just want to watch the game on my device and she laughed and she goes all
right what's the name on
the account she types that in she goes all right you need to get the nfl plus
things and i can watch
it on your iphone all of this and blah blah blah blah we figured all of that
out and i was like well
she goes then you just go to this i go don't leave me you just got to walk me
through the whole thing
she laughed she walked me through the whole thing it took like three minutes
it was incredible like there's nothing better than getting a person they
totally help you out
unless you get a jerk but she wasn't she was an angel and next thing you know i
got the game