Name: Bill Burr - Mouse In A House Story
Uploaded: 2016-09-27T14:04:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Mouse In A House Story' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-09-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Mouse In A House Story' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-09-27. Transcript available.

I was saying, if you were near a television, if you were near a goddamn TV, if
you have a TV in your life, okay, if you're not one of these fucking readers,
these people who are informed, these people who know who their governor is, you
know what I mean?
They know all the words to the national anthem, you know, they've memorized all
the flags around the world, you know those people, they just can't get enough
of doing excruciatingly boring things, you know, they fucking, they're the
kinds of people that when they buy something, they like read the instructions,
the whole fucking book, they know how their whole phone works, these are all
the people that, you know,
you don't really hate them, which you really, you hate yourself, because you
know they're doing the right thing, there's nothing worse than when you're a
fucking dope like me, to be near somebody that is doing the right thing,
because when you see them doing the right thing, there's that voice in the back
of your head that you really try to drown out, you know, that's saying like,
Bill, that's what you should be doing, you know you should be doing that, right,
you know if you did that, you know, you'd stop having these ridiculous rants,
technology and how fucking stupid it is, the reality is, is you lack the focus
to get through an eight page pamphlet, most of which are pictures with arrows
pointing at the shit that the words are talking about, you can't get through
that, and this person reminds you of that, so rather than being a fucking adult,
and just sitting down, and opening the fucking booklet,
you start yelling at the thing like it's a person, this is really just sort of
therapy, I tried to set up Apple TV the other day, and you know, I just, I know
how I am now, I just told my wife to do it, she's like,
I have to do it, I said, yeah, you have to do it, right, she goes, why, I go,
because you, you are, you're wired, no pun intended, better than I am for these
types of situations, right, so she fucking,
I'll break down right here, the difference between me and my wife, right, she
fucking got in there, so I'm sitting out in the backyard, right, drinking a
Miller, and she's in there,
and I'm just listening to her, sort of talking out loud, figuring it out, and
then she got to one point, and it fucked up, and then she, she laughed, and
went, oh, no, oh, or something like that, and I just, I would never,
ever emotionally be there, I would, that right there was where I'd be like, oh,
what the fuck, fuck this fucking, you know, I would flip out, she just laughed,
okay, now,
here's the difference between us, so the other, last night, I'm at a buddy's in
my house, house, right, there's like eight of us, and we're fucking smoking a
cigar, and,
or cigars, I should say, we're not passing around like a joint, which is why I
never got into smoking weed, it's like, it was the most disgusting thing,
is that thing gets passed around and shit, you know, I was always sitting there
like, can I have my own?
No offense, fellas, you know, I, I really like you guys, but, uh, could I have
my own that, only my mouth touches?
Um, it's fucking dirty, hippie, fucking pot-smoking, sons of bees, um, so we're
over there, and we're fucking smoking,
and somebody just points, he's got this big window in his house, and this light
is on, and somebody points
to the window, and is like, dude, what the fuck, and we look, and there's this
mouse, like, climbing up the fucking window,
and ironically enough, we were just talking about working with monkeys, you
know, in movies and shit, and like,
and wild animals and stuff, and we, I was talking about, I would never fight,
that's a deal breaker, I don't give a fuck how much money,
there's no fucking way I'm working with the monkey, because those things
routinely fucking, just, they snap, you know what I mean?
Everybody looks at, oh, look, he's got a little hat on and a vest, somehow, it's
not a chimpanzee anymore,
that has the ability to rip my foot off my body, fuck that thing, fuck that
thing, all right, I'm not working with it,
I just got done saying that, and then when we saw the mouse, it all went out
the fucking window,
just saying, you know, we're trying to corner this thing, all right, this is
when you really realize
what people are like, when you get into, like, a crisis like this, so I got
this Tupperware thing,
I don't know why I didn't grab, like, a mop handle or something, but I'm in
shorts and shit,
and all I'm thinking is that this fucking thing bites me, do I got to get those
70 rabies shots
to the stomach, and I'm sitting there, right, the fucking liberal, trying to
capture this thing
and shoo it out the window, and then my buddy, the conservative, is fucking
goes,
he literally, the things went up the, uh, the curtain, and was way up on the
curtain,
this guy's got this fucking, it was like, 12 foot fucking ceilings, this old
house, you know,
and, uh, it's all the way up there on the curtain, and the conservative dude
goes,
get some WD-40 in a match,
it's like,
it ain't even serious,
it's like, dude, you want to burn this, you want to hear the sound of a mouse
burning alive,
you want that on your fucking hard drive,
not to mention, it's on curtains,
you know, I don't know what sort of sniper you think I am with this fucking
shit,
I'm not doing that,
so anyways,
so the thing fucking, like, lightning quick,
like, I threw the Tupperware at it to get it to crawl back down the curtain,
we're like, where is it, where is it, dude,
and, like, fucking Barry Sanders zigzags between all of us,
takes off down the hall,
and goes through the only open door into the bathroom,
so then my buddy's in there, he's got it,
and he's got, like, the fucking Tupperware thing,
and I'm going, and I'm going, close the door, close the door,
but he doesn't want to be, I don't know,
close the door and be in there with the fucking mouse,
because it's still creepy,
so I'm going, shut the fucking door,
shut the fucking door,
and he, uh,
he won't shut the door,
and all of a sudden, the thing starts running out,
and I gave it the old fucking right pad save,
kicked it back into the room, right,
it was like kicking a sock, too,
you could, I could barely feel it,
I'm sure it felt different to the mouse,
and it was hilarious,
fucking hit my buddy,
right in his knee,
and he was wearing fucking shorts,
and he fucking, ah, jumps up in the air,
and then the fucking thing ran out again,
got down on the stairs,
and I'm fucking, like, with this Tupperware thing,
going, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom,
trying to get the fucking thing,
and then finally, like, and where it ran,
like, there wasn't a good amount of light,
and I fucking had it,
I heard it squealed,
and they turned the light on,
and I got the thing down,
and the thing's on its back,
looking up on me,
its whole body is in the Tupperware,
and I'm right down on its neck,
and it's just looking up at me,
and I gotta tell you something right now,
the thing was fucking adorable,
fucking adorable,
so, I was able to, you know,
quickly, get his fucking head in there,
and then the thing's in there,
like, making this squealing noise,
and I'm like,
I'm sorry, buddy, sorry, buddy,
we're almost there,
and I just slid it across the floor,
as it was freaking out,
so I get it all the way to the door,
and then there's, you know,
that piece of wood there,
between the door and outside,
now I gotta fucking lift it up,
I start to lift it up,
immediately, it's fucking gross,
tail is sticking out,
and I'm like,
ah, fuck,
if this thing runs back in the house,
then we gotta do this shit all over again,
and then what if I get bit,
so I just held it down,
the Tupperware thing down,
and I sort of stood up,
with my hands still on it,
brought my foot back,
closed the door as much as I could,
and I just fucking booted the thing,
and it just took off,
like a maniac down the driveway,
and the mouse lived,
lived to tell another fucking tale,
and, um,
that's what I'm good at,
you get a fucking mouse in the house,
I'll fucking,
I'll get out some Tupperware,
and I'll fucking get rid of it,
all right,
but if you want me to set up Apple TV,
like,
I actually enjoyed catching the mouse,
I was never,
like,
even when I was running around,
I wasn't frustrated,
I never felt any anger,
when I saw the mouse there,
I didn't have any urge to kill it,
I thought it was fucking adorable,
and then I just let it go,
and the mindset I was in,
that entire time,
during that,
that,
you know,
moderately challenging point in my life,
if I could just be in that mindset,
when,
you know,
I'm trying to fucking download something,
or anything like that,
I feel like,
I feel like my wife would have,
like,
70% less shit to complain about,
when it comes to me,
you know what I mean,
if I could just somehow,
get in that mindset,
it was fun,
running around,
you get the blood going,
like,
when we all went back,
we all went back to smoking cigars,
we were all laughing our balls off,
you know,
afterwards,
guys go,
hey,
you fucking did this,
you were scared,
and blah,
blah,
blah,
and then we were like,
dude,
who the fuck said get WD-40 in a match,
and we all just started laughing,
and we're like,
dude,
you're definitely voting for Trump,
get his coat,
get his coat,
take his coat,
right,