Name: Bill Burr - Special Guest Michael Rappaport 09-29-16
Uploaded: 2016-09-29T18:56:49.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Special Guest Michael Rappaport 09-29-16' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-09-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Special Guest Michael Rappaport 09-29-16' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-09-29. Transcript available.

Bill Burr - Special Guest Michael Rappaport 09-29-16

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. I'm
just checking in on you. You can hear from the breathing in the background. I
usually do not have guests. That's not something that I do, but every once in a
while I get a maniac in here, somebody who's fucking raring to go. You might
recognize this guy from his own fucking podcast.
This man can talk about sports. He can talk about the hip hop and the rap. He
can talk about the real housewives. He's an actor. He's a director. He's out of
breath. Ladies and gentlemen, he's one of the biggest Boston sports fans I've
ever met. Welcome back to the podcast. Your friend and mine, Mr. Michael Rappaport.
Glad to be here, Bill Burr. How you feeling, man? I wish I could, I had the
wordsmanship to paint a picture of what's going on here. Like we're sitting on
our couch, your couch here in your crib. We both have on half-sea socks.
Half-sea socks. I went white, you went black.
Shorts. Almost similar shorts, but different color coordination. And I mean, it's
like, this is, this is a sad fucking sight for sore eyes.
It is. This, we're probably two of the most undesirable white men in, uh, in
Hollywood.
That's real shit.
Maybe in the country.
Like if, if someone came and like saw, like what this, look, this is a sad
fucking sight.
You told any woman you marry a white guy 15 years in, this is what you're going
to have.
It'd be like, it'd be like the worst thing for white people ever.
Like just across the board.
Like the, the, the picture of, of me and Bill Burr with half-sea socks on.
But Bill Burr has, dude, I'm barely covering the ankle.
I got on the Chrissy Everts.
You, you got on, you got on, you got on head full.
I mean, this is a sorry fucking sight.
But I'm happy to be on the podcast.
I know you requested to come on.
You seemed like you had some things that you needed to get off your chest.
Now, this, this, you know, for people who, who aren't, aren't in your world or
my world.
Yes.
Maybe just passing by on the internet.
Yes.
I am from the Boston area and I support, you know, we have four teams.
We just need one in each sport to win a championship.
You guys in New York needs like what?
15, three, four.
Yes.
For each sport.
For each sport.
Yeah, absolutely.
Exactly.
And then when things are a couple for each borough.
Yeah.
We'll steal them from Jersey.
Bring them into Brooklyn.
Half of lids is just New York teams.
Yeah.
It's, it's, it's, it's not a problem.
I noticed on your computer, you have your, your FaceTime camera covered up.
Yeah.
Do you think someone's spying on you?
I do that on, I do that on the TV.
I do it on everything.
I, I w I would do it on my phone.
No one's looking.
Huh?
You know that no one's like, no one's like, if people were looking, they wouldn't
be looking.
That's, that's not true.
You think they're looking for you?
No.
It was, I forget who it was.
Somebody with the TV kind of got busted.
So what are you doing in here that needs to be covered up?
Just like in your general, general, like day in and day out, because.
Well, that laptop becomes like this own video camera.
So what if I'm here?
What if I'm on the couch and all of a sudden my wife comes and we start banging.
Right.
And there's some guy at Yahoo fucking rubbing one out with his lab coat on.
I mean, I should at least get some money for an amateur porno.
Now you have a beautiful wife.
Or if I watch porno, I don't want to say somebody's seeing me going like
rubbing one out.
But you in a porno, I don't think anyone's going to be able to get what they
need out of it.
Oh, not me in a porno.
Just, just footage of me rubbing one out.
I don't need that out there.
I don't.
I'm trying to go Disney.
I hear you.
I'm trying to get on that channel.
I hear you.
I hear you.
Listen.
No, it's all creepy, but they still can like, you know.
So you keep the tape on for security measures.
I hear, I probably should do it too.
I hear you.
I hear you.
Dude, this is the thing.
If that fucking thing, I think in the fucking future, right?
Look, look, look at how much shit I can store on this fucking thing.
I know.
And who the fuck am I?
Right.
You don't know nothing.
I'm just a regular freckled cunt walking down the street.
That's it.
Just, just one of many.
One of many.
One of many freckled cunts.
Nothing special.
Dodging the sun.
That's it.
Going from palm tree to palm tree out here.
I mean, fuck, man.
Who's got whiter legs?
I do.
I got way whiter legs.
Way whiter.
You're not scared of the sun the way I am.
I'm fascinated by that.
I was like, yo, I mean, you should be the spokesman.
You should have like a sun, like a suntan, a sunblock sponsorship.
Like, you're fucking white, and I'm super white, but like, you match the wall
color in here.
I don't go out in the sun.
I mean, I'll hike with my dog.
I'll get a little bit of a farmer's freckle tan.
Sorry.
Did I knock this over?
Yeah, she did.
Is it broken?
No, no, it's fine.
Leave it on the floor.
Leave it on the floor.
You sure?
Yeah, just leave it on the floor, Mike.
You've done quite enough around.
All right, sorry.
All right, well, Bill, listen.
Let's bring it to the people.
Let's tell the people what happened.
I saw you at a, we were at a very big, fancy Hollywood party the other night,
but low-key.
It's like, to me, that party is a low-key Hollywood party because it's a
private party with a lot of cool, interesting, sort of different, sort of L.A.
show business people.
But I've gone to that party three or four times, and actually, the last time I
actually went out was at this party.
I've never been to it.
Every time, every year, I'm always on the road.
Right.
So I made it this year.
Yeah, it's a good party.
I was having a great time, and then you showed up.
And this is about 11.45 on a Saturday, and before I even was able to give you
five, we were like 20 feet away.
You say what to me?
Now, this is the God's honest truth.
I want to make sure we're on the same page.
I was pretty buzzed, but I believe I said, dude, Bill Belichick, if he wins, or
had he already won?
He already won.
Greatest of all time.
That's not what you started with.
I remember exactly what you said to me because I was about 25 to 30 feet away.
You said, this is before.
How you doing, Mike?
Before, where's your wife?
Before, what's up?
I get to see you from 25 to 30 feet away.
3-0, motherfucker.
3-0.
And then you went on the Bill Belichick rate.
And then I said to you, and then I said to you, I want them to win.
And you said, this is fucking.
You're so full of shit.
That's where you're not right.
I am here to explain this to you, Bill Burr.
I'm here to explain this to you.
And I'll correct you when you're done.
Check this out.
I want them to go 4-0.
Okay?
And what I really want to happen.
Oh, but not for any good reason.
No.
Of course.
Oh, Matt Castle's just as good as Tom Brady.
What I want to happen to put you in there.
You Buffalo Wild Wing fucking case of the order and jackass.
Let me tell you my point of view.
I want them to go 4-0 and then lose the first game back with Tommy.
And that will, you guys will be all fucked up.
Oh, will we?
You'll be all bent out of shape.
Then we can sort of create a, what if they lost two in a row with Tommy?
And Garoppolo's sitting on there.
What does that mean?
I'm just saying.
Yeah, the six Super Bowls he got to us.
Let's stay in the present.
I know the Patriots are great.
Yeah, yeah, let's not deal with facts, Mike.
Let's stay in the present.
Let's not deal with facts.
Let's stay right, let's stay in this season.
Exactly, if we stay right here in the present.
Yes, 3-0.
And we ignore his fucking Hall of Fame career.
Absolutely.
And we're like, who is this guy?
Is it, is it, is it Frank Brady?
What's his name?
Tommy.
Tommy Brady.
Let's stay in the present, dude.
We don't even know this guy's name.
Then, then I could be, who the fuck is this guy they just fucking brought in?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Then I can get to where you're at.
You're making it seem like I don't think Tom Brady is great.
That's what I wanted to, I come here to tell you, I am going to try to walk you
through this.
I get what you're saying.
You're just saying all you want is some Dan Shaughnessy horse shit, because
that's the
only hope you have.
Now, you're a Giants fan.
I'm a Giants fan.
So, what are you worried about?
I'm totally overwhelmed, honestly.
What are you worried about?
I asked you this.
You kicked our ass twice.
I know that, but I got to be honest with you.
You're like one of the only uncool Giants fans I've ever met.
Giants fans never talk shit.
They don't need to.
We don't need to.
Yeah, but you do.
But I, because you know what I like to stir that.
There's a sadness in you.
No, there's a fucking sadness.
No, I'm trying to say this.
I know that this is a heavily Boston, like you're, you're, you're core, core
people.
You're, you're worldwide.
You're fucking worldwide.
You went on a comedy tour.
Don't fucking play, Kate.
Yo, you went on a comedy tour worldwide.
That's crazy to me.
That's crazy to me because it's like that, that comedy.
I know it happens, but I think that I'm, I'm so fascinated and respect that,
that comedy
can translate worldwide.
I know it's all English, but I think that's fucking dope.
There's a lot of freckled cunts out there, man.
You're worldwide.
There's a lot of freckled cunts out there.
Yes.
We're around the globe.
But your essence is a Boston fuck.
True?
You're right, yes or wrong?
Yeah, right or wrong?
Don't bury your insult and then try to run away from it.
No, no.
You're a Boston fuck.
True?
Just right or wrong?
You just called me a Boston fuck.
Boston fuck, correct.
So, so, so.
No, I'm not.
You're not a, you're born and raised in, I'm from the suburbs.
But it's all the same shit.
I don't even, I haven't even spent, you know, the only time I was in Boston was
when we first
met doing, um, The Heat.
The Heat.
That was the first and only time I've ever been in Boston.
And you know what?
Boston thanks you for that.
They had enough.
They're like, we, we, you, that was, that's all you're going to get.
No, dude.
This is the thing.
What happened was nobody knew shit about Boston.
And then Good Will Hunting comes out.
And then everybody thinks that you have anybody from, from Boston, anybody from
Massachusetts
is from South.
Do you steal cars?
Do you like apples?
Are you good at math?
It was just a fucking, it was just a fucking movie, dude.
It was just a fucking movie.
I was, I always say ever since that movie came out, all right, I just, cause
like, New
Kids on the Block didn't put you on the map?
What do you mean?
Like the group, New Kids on the Block, like New Kids on the Block.
A boy band?
Yeah, I'm saying like that.
You guys weren't proud of New Kids on the Block?
No, I'm not saying we weren't proud of them.
We were happy some local kids made it, but like, yeah, a boy band does not put
a city
on the map.
I'm just saying they were, you know what?
They were big.
Running the table, fucking every championship with just four teams.
But the thing that I want to acknowledge, and I want you, I want to try to get
to, I want
you to see.
I love that you said that you've never been to Boston.
I haven't.
Only that one time.
Can I tell you, that's why whenever you say Boston has this inferiority complex
to New
York.
In sports.
Can I just, can I just finish?
Please, sir.
Okay.
In sports.
Nobody knows shit about New York and Boston unless you've been there.
I remember when I first moved there.
This is how little we knew, despite how much we hated the Yankees, and it was
always
just the Yankees.
It wasn't really the Jets, the Giants, it was none of that horse shit.
Right.
And even when we lost to the Mets, it wasn't like, the fucking, we met them one
time.
Right.
And it was more.
There was no rivalry.
It was Bill Buckner.
It was happenstance.
And why did you have Calvin Sherrodin?
Wait, wait, you know I'm not a baseball guy.