Name: Bill Burr - iPhone Story
Uploaded: 2016-10-11T18:40:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - iPhone Story' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-10-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - iPhone Story' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-10-11. Transcript available.

now i got time for a quick iphone story so i got the iphone 7 now all right and
i want to thank
everybody who tried to help me out with even the condescending ones or this new
generation people
who were saying they were cringing me and my boy i had a tweet my boyfriend
works at the apple store
or and i work at the apple store too we both cringing as we were listening to
you talk about
like why why are you cringing for i wouldn't cringe for you like if i watched
you two geniuses
try to change a fucking tire or drive a stick shift as they say you millennials
can't do if
that's the truth i wouldn't cringe i'd try to teach you how to do it cringing i
felt so bad i was so
awkward i really think this whole generation the reason why they're always
using that that term
awkward is because they were so sheltered that i don't think that they kind of
work shit out amongst
themselves as kids the way we did now granted my generation was too far the
other way they didn't
know what the fuck we were doing and i think with millennials there was an overcorrection
i think
this next generation they're going to get it right it's like you know you can't
have them fucking
joining you know either those groups where there's all these pedophiles you
know you know what they
are i am not going to say i'm one rhymes with with the uh the rubs louts
the rub shouts um you also don't want to when they're very young it's probably
not good to have
them take a uh aha uh i can't even say right a harati class um you know shit
like that the kinds of
places and then you can just say church groups church groups are in the big one
you just you just can't have
them fucking you know but you have to let them play outside you got to let them
solve shit you know
interact with each other and shit like that like you know what i mean like i
think we went too far
the other fucking direction and i can say that having never had a child
so anyways um somebody told me that you know when i when i sat there and i
counted all my contacts i
didn't realize and this is all shit you guys can laugh at me about but i know
there's a lot of you
especially in my generation do not know this if you scroll down to the end of
your contacts it'll tell
you how many you have um i was off by one i said 113 i had 114 who knew who the
fuck knew um
i mean by the way if you didn't use the cloud uh getting all your contacts back
not a big deal
not a big deal it's just as you need the person's number you're like fuck i don't
have the number who
do i know that knows him you just you know by then you have that person's
number and you gradually put
it all back together again it's so it wasn't as bad as i thought and then
somebody gave me a great
suggestion saying well there's there's uh these places you can go to that they
they can uh retrieve
lost uh data or whatever the fuck whatever the computer term is that so i might
try that with
my phone i have not turned it on since then i'm gonna try sometime like tuesday
morning hopefully i
can turn it on and grab a couple um because you know the guy used to work on my
truck he moved to
arizona and uh he recommended this great place here in california to tune it up
and all that type of
shit and i lost his fucking number and because he's a crazy car guy like his
website still has like a
fucking california number so i should probably just give it a try but anyways
so anyways so i had to
get the iphone 7 because i i fucked up my phone i got it all wet and shit and
um so now this one's
waterproof so they had this little fucking umbilical cord off of it and i was
sitting there going there's
no fucking way i'm not going to lose this thing i have to be on my best
behavior with this so i was
literally carrying that little cord around in the iphone box with me while i
was on the road
because i was too paranoid to even leave it into the phone because i was afraid
i'd go to put it in
my pocket it'd pop out i wouldn't know i don't know what so um i somehow make
it across this country
and back i still have it um i went back to my house to use my gym you know i
said finishing up the
fucking kitchen you know um and i had it there and i went to grab a few things
and i don't know i got
back to the place that i'm renting and it was just gone it was gone and i
started to have a meltdown and
i was just like this drives your wife nuts don't do it don't fucking do it and
i tore apart everything
couldn't find it in the house i drove back to my place i couldn't find it there
and i just said
fuck this and i drove over to the apple store and somewhere over there i just
got into this
fucking zen place i was like dude this is 100 your fault it's not steve jobs
fault it's your fault you
should just left the fucking thing in your phone i'm sure you can pick up the
phone and fucking shake
it and i'm sure nothing you know i'm sure probably doesn't even come out
because they probably already
knew that that was going to be a fucking concern so i drive over there you know
i pull in i just said
fuck it i valet my old prius dirty as shit right now because i still have to
get the dents taken out
from that fucking road rage cunt slammed into the person two people behind me
um so i just got that
thing it's got dents i'm gonna get pulled out while i get it washed so it's
really looking bad so i pull
in and the valet place at the mall they go like yeah what's what's your phone
number and i'm just
like yeah none of your business i go i don't give out my phone number that's
what i used to say now i
just go i don't have a phone because they're just going to call you and it's
just they're just all of
those things by the way all of those phone numbers and all of that shit i'm
telling you all gets bundled
and it gets it gets sold there was a lobby there was something a lobby there
was something something
going on in washington where they with what they were saying what i was saying
much more intelligently
and written down on paper saying that you ought to get a piece of it somebody's
going to sell your
information shouldn't you get a cut right 10 something i'm sure that got shot
down but anyways
uh so i just pull up and i just say yeah i don't have a cell phone so then they
just take your name
down and there's always ways to get around it you just say yeah no i can't do
that right so i go into
the the apple store and i walk up to one of the geniuses and i said yeah hey i
need the little
fucking umbilical cord and they said that right there over there over there on
the wall and i just
walked up and i grabbed five of them okay i grabbed five of them and i grabbed
this other cord where it
was you know where you can plug it into your phone and someone else can also
plug their headphones in
while you plug your headphones in and you can both listen to the same song now
i did that because
whenever i'm on a plane he's always like listen to this song it was a great
song and i was just like
i'll get that one for her right so i walk up to one of the dudes with the
fucking ipad and i just say
yeah hey i want to i want to fucking i want to buy these right so they're all
looking at me like what
the fuck right why do you have so many there was two geniuses and one of the
one of the people who's
just trying to buy some shit there and one of them finally goes to me goes i
gotta ask you how come
you're buying five of these and i was like uh because i know what kind of a moron
i am
and it was like what i go everybody's a moron so you gotta include me so you
gotta figure out what
kind of moron you are so uh i'm the kind of moron that's gonna lose at least
four of these in a year
so i'm getting five and they all fucking laughed and i joked i somehow was able
to joke my way through
the whole fucking experience i kept it light and i and i didn't lose my shit um
oh except when i got
into it with that one guy i forgot when i was driving back this guy came barreling
up the street and i
and i live on a street where it's one of those streets where it's like it
should be one way but
it's two way and he came flying up and i was rushing over so i just had to slam
on the brakes
i just kind of gestured like really do and i back up and then he pulls up
alongside me
and he's big fucking jaguar and he goes he goes yes is there a problem i go i
go yeah i try to stay
calm i go yeah man i go you're driving too fast through the neighborhood here
blah blah blah blah he goes
i go yeah i go you know it's a one-way street he goes it isn't a one-way street
i go yeah but with
the cars parked you know you know i go you're coming through here like 30 40
miles an hour he
goes this car won't go 40 which i don't even know what that means won't go 40
on this street i have no
idea i was just like dude there's kids on this street then i lied i go dude i
have a kid
i'm just trying to make my argument better he goes i got three kids and he
holds up the fingers too
like all right and then he just said something he goes now do you feel stupid
he goes now do you feel stupid i so i wish i could go back to that moment just
say to him like
dude i always feel stupid but this has nothing to do with that dude you're
driving like a fucking
maniac you got three kids yeah i bet they don't live on this street you cunt
and i was trying i was
trying because i've done this before with people on that street i just speak in
a slow tone just go
dude i got kids you know i just lie and i say i got kids plural just totally
lie out my ass
the reality is i don't want to have a head-on collision with somebody
so um you know last couple times i did it even like the young punk kids and
shit you know with
the fucking hats that match their fucking shoelaces even then they feel all
right all right cool all
right sorry you're like yeah cool no problem you know and uh this guy just wasn't
avid he just goes
now do you feel stupid and then i just once he said that you know go fuck
yourself we both
fucking drove away um so that did happen on the way over this so anyway so i go
to buy
all of these fucking things and i'm making fun of myself because guys i'm
really trying not i mean
it's funny when i do it on stage it's not funny when i do it in real life or
around the house i'm
really trying to work on my temper so i was making fun of myself going yeah i'm
the kind of fucking
moron that's gonna lose four of these in a year so i'm buying five so they all
laugh and the guy's
like all right now what's that gonna be like seven thousand dollars and he said
no it was like 75
bucks or something if these little ass fucking wires five of them like 25 a
whack a 20 a whack
whatever the fuck it was but plus i had the other thing so i go to open my
wallet to take out my
credit card and what is sitting in the fold of my wallet is the fucking
attachment i couldn't find
i must have put it in the same pocket and i just left i go see right here look
at this there it is
now now i got six i'm a fucking moron they were just all laughing it made me
feel good
even though they were laughing at me just made me feel better that uh you know
i don't know i gotta
be i gotta learn how to fucking do that man because i am uh i am a lot you know
i'm funny on a podcast
i'm funny for an hour but after that dude i i can be a lot to live with so
anyways i'm working on
myself i'm actually considering going to speak to somebody and uh you know
because i swear to god like i'm
two things i want to do i want to just actually sit down and maybe read some
instructions on my iphone
and actually make it something that i can use and computers actually maybe
learn about them rather
than screaming to anyone who listened about road robots and being microchipped
you know and then also
i would like to to uh if i could just have the same sense of humor i have about
big shit when big
shit happens i do not flip out little shit happens like i lost a fucking little
cord on my phone i
fucking lose my shit so if i can just somehow you know not lose my shit in the
car and the technology
thing those are my two biggest fucking goals if i could just laugh my way
through that shit
i would be i'd be a much better person i think i'd be a lot easier to deal with
you know um and i'll just go after it the way i go after other shit i've never
really tried
to fucking like full-on try to fix my temper the way i try to lose weight work
out play drums
and

Bill Burr - iPhone Story

now i got time for a quick iphone story so i got the iphone 7 now all right and
i want to thank
everybody who tried to help me out with even the condescending ones or this new
generation people
who were saying they were cringing me and my boy i had a tweet my boyfriend
works at the apple store
or and i work at the apple store too we both cringing as we were listening to
you talk about
like why why are you cringing for i wouldn't cringe for you like if i watched
you two geniuses
try to change a fucking tire or drive a stick shift as they say you millennials
can't do if
that's the truth i wouldn't cringe i'd try to teach you how to do it cringing i
felt so bad i was so
awkward i really think this whole generation the reason why they're always
using that that term
awkward is because they were so sheltered that i don't think that they kind of
work shit out amongst
themselves as kids the way we did now granted my generation was too far the
other way they didn't
know what the fuck we were doing and i think with millennials there was an overcorrection
i think
this next generation they're going to get it right it's like you know you can't
have them fucking
joining you know either those groups where there's all these pedophiles you
know you know what they
are i am not going to say i'm one rhymes with with the uh the rubs louts
the rub shouts um you also don't want to when they're very young it's probably
not good to have
them take a uh aha uh i can't even say right a harati class um you know shit
like that the kinds of
places and then you can just say church groups church groups are in the big one
you just you just can't have
them fucking you know but you have to let them play outside you got to let them
solve shit you know
interact with each other and shit like that like you know what i mean like i
think we went too far
the other fucking direction and i can say that having never had a child
so anyways um somebody told me that you know when i when i sat there and i
counted all my contacts i
didn't realize and this is all shit you guys can laugh at me about but i know
there's a lot of you
especially in my generation do not know this if you scroll down to the end of
your contacts it'll tell
you how many you have um i was off by one i said 113 i had 114 who knew who the
fuck knew um
i mean by the way if you didn't use the cloud uh getting all your contacts back
not a big deal
not a big deal it's just as you need the person's number you're like fuck i don't
have the number who
do i know that knows him you just you know by then you have that person's
number and you gradually put
it all back together again it's so it wasn't as bad as i thought and then
somebody gave me a great
suggestion saying well there's there's uh these places you can go to that they
they can uh retrieve
lost uh data or whatever the fuck whatever the computer term is that so i might
try that with
my phone i have not turned it on since then i'm gonna try sometime like tuesday
morning hopefully i
can turn it on and grab a couple um because you know the guy used to work on my
truck he moved to
arizona and uh he recommended this great place here in california to tune it up
and all that type of
shit and i lost his fucking number and because he's a crazy car guy like his
website still has like a
fucking california number so i should probably just give it a try but anyways
so anyways so i had to
get the iphone 7 because i i fucked up my phone i got it all wet and shit and
um so now this one's
waterproof so they had this little fucking umbilical cord off of it and i was
sitting there going there's
no fucking way i'm not going to lose this thing i have to be on my best
behavior with this so i was
literally carrying that little cord around in the iphone box with me while i
was on the road
because i was too paranoid to even leave it into the phone because i was afraid
i'd go to put it in
my pocket it'd pop out i wouldn't know i don't know what so um i somehow make
it across this country
and back i still have it um i went back to my house to use my gym you know i
said finishing up the
fucking kitchen you know um and i had it there and i went to grab a few things
and i don't know i got
back to the place that i'm renting and it was just gone it was gone and i
started to have a meltdown and
i was just like this drives your wife nuts don't do it don't fucking do it and
i tore apart everything
couldn't find it in the house i drove back to my place i couldn't find it there
and i just said
fuck this and i drove over to the apple store and somewhere over there i just
got into this
fucking zen place i was like dude this is 100 your fault it's not steve jobs
fault it's your fault you
should just left the fucking thing in your phone i'm sure you can pick up the
phone and fucking shake
it and i'm sure nothing you know i'm sure probably doesn't even come out
because they probably already
knew that that was going to be a fucking concern so i drive over there you know
i pull in i just said
fuck it i valet my old prius dirty as shit right now because i still have to
get the dents taken out
from that fucking road rage cunt slammed into the person two people behind me
um so i just got that
thing it's got dents i'm gonna get pulled out while i get it washed so it's
really looking bad so i pull
in and the valet place at the mall they go like yeah what's what's your phone
number and i'm just
like yeah none of your business i go i don't give out my phone number that's
what i used to say now i
just go i don't have a phone because they're just going to call you and it's
just they're just all of
those things by the way all of those phone numbers and all of that shit i'm
telling you all gets bundled
and it gets it gets sold there was a lobby there was something a lobby there
was something something
going on in washington where they with what they were saying what i was saying
much more intelligently
and written down on paper saying that you ought to get a piece of it somebody's
going to sell your
information shouldn't you get a cut right 10 something i'm sure that got shot
down but anyways
uh so i just pull up and i just say yeah i don't have a cell phone so then they
just take your name
down and there's always ways to get around it you just say yeah no i can't do
that right so i go into
the the apple store and i walk up to one of the geniuses and i said yeah hey i
need the little
fucking umbilical cord and they said that right there over there over there on
the wall and i just
walked up and i grabbed five of them okay i grabbed five of them and i grabbed
this other cord where it
was you know where you can plug it into your phone and someone else can also
plug their headphones in
while you plug your headphones in and you can both listen to the same song now
i did that because
whenever i'm on a plane he's always like listen to this song it was a great
song and i was just like
i'll get that one for her right so i walk up to one of the dudes with the
fucking ipad and i just say
yeah hey i want to i want to fucking i want to buy these right so they're all
looking at me like what
the fuck right why do you have so many there was two geniuses and one of the
one of the people who's
just trying to buy some shit there and one of them finally goes to me goes i
gotta ask you how come
you're buying five of these and i was like uh because i know what kind of a moron
i am
and it was like what i go everybody's a moron so you gotta include me so you
gotta figure out what
kind of moron you are so uh i'm the kind of moron that's gonna lose at least
four of these in a year
so i'm getting five and they all fucking laughed and i joked i somehow was able
to joke my way through
the whole fucking experience i kept it light and i and i didn't lose my shit um
oh except when i got
into it with that one guy i forgot when i was driving back this guy came barreling
up the street and i
and i live on a street where it's one of those streets where it's like it
should be one way but
it's two way and he came flying up and i was rushing over so i just had to slam
on the brakes
i just kind of gestured like really do and i back up and then he pulls up
alongside me
and he's big fucking jaguar and he goes he goes yes is there a problem i go i
go yeah i try to stay
calm i go yeah man i go you're driving too fast through the neighborhood here
blah blah blah blah he goes
i go yeah i go you know it's a one-way street he goes it isn't a one-way street
i go yeah but with
the cars parked you know you know i go you're coming through here like 30 40
miles an hour he
goes this car won't go 40 which i don't even know what that means won't go 40
on this street i have no
idea i was just like dude there's kids on this street then i lied i go dude i
have a kid
i'm just trying to make my argument better he goes i got three kids and he
holds up the fingers too
like all right and then he just said something he goes now do you feel stupid
he goes now do you feel stupid i so i wish i could go back to that moment just
say to him like
dude i always feel stupid but this has nothing to do with that dude you're
driving like a fucking
maniac you got three kids yeah i bet they don't live on this street you cunt
and i was trying i was
trying because i've done this before with people on that street i just speak in
a slow tone just go
dude i got kids you know i just lie and i say i got kids plural just totally
lie out my ass
the reality is i don't want to have a head-on collision with somebody
so um you know last couple times i did it even like the young punk kids and
shit you know with
the fucking hats that match their fucking shoelaces even then they feel all
right all right cool all
right sorry you're like yeah cool no problem you know and uh this guy just wasn't
avid he just goes
now do you feel stupid and then i just once he said that you know go fuck
yourself we both
fucking drove away um so that did happen on the way over this so anyway so i go
to buy
all of these fucking things and i'm making fun of myself because guys i'm
really trying not i mean
it's funny when i do it on stage it's not funny when i do it in real life or
around the house i'm
really trying to work on my temper so i was making fun of myself going yeah i'm
the kind of fucking
moron that's gonna lose four of these in a year so i'm buying five so they all
laugh and the guy's
like all right now what's that gonna be like seven thousand dollars and he said
no it was like 75
bucks or something if these little ass fucking wires five of them like 25 a
whack a 20 a whack
whatever the fuck it was but plus i had the other thing so i go to open my
wallet to take out my
credit card and what is sitting in the fold of my wallet is the fucking
attachment i couldn't find
i must have put it in the same pocket and i just left i go see right here look
at this there it is
now now i got six i'm a fucking moron they were just all laughing it made me
feel good
even though they were laughing at me just made me feel better that uh you know
i don't know i gotta
be i gotta learn how to fucking do that man because i am uh i am a lot you know
i'm funny on a podcast
i'm funny for an hour but after that dude i i can be a lot to live with so
anyways i'm working on
myself i'm actually considering going to speak to somebody and uh you know
because i swear to god like i'm
two things i want to do i want to just actually sit down and maybe read some
instructions on my iphone
and actually make it something that i can use and computers actually maybe
learn about them rather
than screaming to anyone who listened about road robots and being microchipped
you know and then also
i would like to to uh if i could just have the same sense of humor i have about
big shit when big
shit happens i do not flip out little shit happens like i lost a fucking little
cord on my phone i
fucking lose my shit so if i can just somehow you know not lose my shit in the
car and the technology
thing those are my 