Name: Bill Burr's Scientology Story
Uploaded: 2016-10-18T14:46:31.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr's Scientology Story' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-10-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr's Scientology Story' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-10-18. Transcript available.

Did I ever tell you guys a Scientology story?
So, um, this is like fucking, I don't know how many years ago.
This is, Bill Clinton was still in office, I think, when this happened.
And, um, basically, I need to take an acting class.
I'm living in Los Angeles, and I needed to take an acting class, right?
So, uh, you know, whatever.
So, somebody suggested this fucking place, and I went over there.
I think it was the Beverly Hills Playhouse was the name of this fucking place.
And I went over there, and I show up for the acting class, and the teacher goes,
this is so fucking weird.
He just goes, okay, this big class was packed, and, uh, it was a well-known
actor, too.
So, I was like, wow, man, this is gonna be a fucking great class.
And it was, it was a great class, other than the fucking creepy vibe.
So, to start the class, the guy goes, okay, does anybody have any news they
want to share
with the class?
Hmm.
All right, so people raised their hands, and basically, it was actors talking
about what
they booked that week.
And, um, you know, and there's a thing, I guess, you know, amongst actors, as
you're starting
out, you get envious, and you get jealous.
So, I guess this was a reaction to this.
What this, that was this whole exercise was about.
People put their hands up.
This is like, you know, fucking the mid-90s or some shit.
And someone would be like, yeah, I just booked, um, I booked a guest star on,
on, uh, on Friends.
And, and then the whole class, like, ridiculously loud, and for a ridiculous
amount of time,
would just go, whoa!
Whoa!
Like, clapping and screaming, like somebody just cured cancer.
And then, it all died down.
I was just like, what the fuck was that?
And then somebody else goes, oh, yeah, hey, I just, uh, you know, I just booked
a reoccurring
on Union Square.
Whoa!
It'd be crazy.
So, then once that shit dies down, I was immediately like, hey, man, I knew LA
was a little different,
but what the fuck is this?
They go, uh, hey, we got a couple of new students here auditing the class.
Uh, he just moved here from New York City.
Please welcome Bill Burr.
And they, they, they clapped and cheered just as loud as they did for the other
people
that book-like Friends.
But here's the thing, when they were cheering, no one was looking at anyone.
They were just sort of staring straight ahead, clapping and screaming as loud
as you possibly
could.
And I remember, like, my face turned red.
Like, I got embarrassed, like, what the fuck?
And then that's when I, um, you know, after the class,
we took the first break and the, the, the actor teaching the class and the
actors were great,
you know, other than the weird vibe, right?
So I fucking go up there and the other guy goes, how you doing?
And I looked at him and was like, uh, doing good.
Because he's a great actor.
He totally read me.
He goes, uh, he goes, the beginning of the class was, um, was that a little bit
too much?
I was like, uh, yeah, it might, it might've been.
So I go into the back, you know, now they're going to try to get the money out
of me.
Like every acting class does.
This is nothing against Scientology.
So that's when I sat down and that's when the guy was just like, you know, we're
very, um,
self-sufficient.
We have our own security.
We have our own parking.
Everything was their own.
And that's when I said, I said, Jesus Christ.
You know, I just had to break the tension.
It was so fucking weird.
So I just made this joke, Jesus Christ.
I feel like I'm joining a cult.
It was me and this other kid sitting there.
I don't know what the fuck ever happened to him.
I don't know if he's clear yet or he fucking moved back to Iowa.
I have no idea what, but, um, the guy made like this weird face when I said it.
And, um, so I left and I was like, wow, that was fucking weird.
But it was still, still like, it was a good class though, you know?
And, uh, and I really liked acting class and that type of shit.
And so I was still kind of on the fence.
And I ended up running to somebody, uh, later on that night, I think at the
laugh factory.
And I mentioned, and the person was like, where, where, where, where was the
class?
And I said, it was a Beverly Hills playhouse.
And he just goes, Bill, that's Scientology.
He'll get the fuck out of here.
It's an acting class.
They said, no, but it's, yeah, they're trying to recruit you into that religion.
So I got all fucking weirded out and, uh, you know, they just kept calling,
leaving messages
on my fucking answer machine.
And then that's, you know, finally they called again and I'd been ducking them
for like three
days.
And after three days, I was just like, you know, I thought they were watching
me and shit.
I got all fucking paranoid.
Not saying they were, but I just, you know, you know, I mean, I'm a fucking
conspiracy theorist.
Last thing I need is an actual cult fucking hounding me.
That was not good for my psyche.
So finally, after three days, they, they called again.
And that's just, I was like, what am I, a fucking bitch?
I can't just call these people up and say, go fuck yourself.
So I just picked up the phone.
I'm like, hello.
And they're like, hey, Beverly Hills playhouse.
I go, yeah, man, I'm all set.
And the guy's like, oh, did we lose you?
I was like, yeah, you did.
All right.
Don't call me anymore.
And he goes, okay, fine.
And then that was it.
They left me alone.
But that was, I think it was because it was early on, you know?
So I didn't have to deal with Donald Sutherland.
Like when I walked out to my car later on that night, just pointing at me like
an invasion
of the body snatches, you know, not to say that Scientology is any more or less
fucked up
than my religion, you know?
I've always maintained that if the Inquisition was filmed, like my, my religion
wouldn't exist
anymore.
That's what happened with the Nazis.
They filmed this shit.
So no one's ever going to forget it.
The shit that my religion did was never filmed.
So it's just like stick figures and drawings and no, no one cares.
You know what I mean?
But to actually have the actual footage of like, oh yes, not only did it really
happen, this
is what it looked like.
It's, it's a fucking wrap.
What am I talking about?
All right, let's get back to fucking the subjects here.
I wanted to talk about instead of Scientology and Holocaust footage.
Okay.