Name: Bill Burr & Nia - Not Checking Out
Uploaded: 2016-10-26T00:39:45.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia - Not Checking Out' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-10-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia - Not Checking Out' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-10-26. Transcript available.

Bill Burr & Nia - Not Checking Out

we're all loners big family but we all just do our own shit and we i'd last
thing like the same
way i don't want to like like the way i've been paying for three cell phone
numbers
for the last i don't even realize it to do the backstory one time i was on the
fucking road and
nia calls up she goes why do you have like three different cell phone numbers
what the fuck are
you living a double life yeah and i go i don't i got one she goes no you got
three i go no i don't
i got one she goes i'm looking at the bill right now and what it was was it was
back in the 2000s
i was like i was so confused slash angry slash annoyed slash okay maybe it's
just not what i
think it is or whatever but i'm like paying all the bills since you're on the
road so i'm like going
through everything and i'm like this motherfucker has three numbers why why on
earth would he have
three phone three numbers i've only seen one phone does he have a secret phone
like a secret
cell phone i got a little flip because i know men do that sometimes they have a
secret little bat
phone all right this is what it was this is what it was back in like 15 fucking
years ago
wasn't that maybe 12 12 years ago it was when i was with you i would go on the
road and this is
before like smartphones and all of that and you had to get the internet and you'd
i'd go to these hotels
and they were charging me like 12.99 a day 15.99 a day and i wasn't making shit
on the road and would
fucking it would add up and that was still back when you know you'd get sides
for your auditions
emailed to you then you had to go down to the the fucking the thing in the
lobby and business center
and print it out so they came up with these little things they look like hockey
pucks these little
around things that you you to get your own internet i think bobby kelly dude
you gotta get this dude
right oh yeah my dad had one of those yeah and it plug it in and it came with
like a phone number
or something okay so i got one of those they explained how to do it i did it
one time it worked
it didn't work again and then i forgot about it to the point i forgot i even
had it and then i got
another one and then that one i just you know after a while i just got a
smartphone and i never look at
my bill i just look what does it cost yeah so then you know years later so you've
been paying for this
number i've been paying extra 50 balls a month and they're still on my bill
what are you gonna take it
off then i mean i don't want to i would rather pay 50 bucks a fucking month
than have to sit there
and and i'm not gonna get upset i can't fucking deal with calling up and going
i need to cancel
this i'm no longer using that's not how it works though you go in and they and
it goes like um you
know what you know it's the robot and then it's going like you know if you want
to do this press one
if you want to do that press two and you always are existing at like one and a
half
it's like a little bit three but a little bit four you're just like operator
operator operator
operator press zero i'm sorry that doesn't fucking work and then the worst
thing ever is you get on
and you think yeah who am i speaking with today uh william burr can i get your
zip code can i get
your fucking first goldfish's name can i get this can i get that can i get that
and then you tell
them what the problem is and they go okay i'm gonna have to transfer you to
somebody else my cologne
and then they go okay who am i speaking to what is your zip code what is the
name of your god it's
like i just fucking told you t here i go i fucking told you all that shit and
yeah i don't want to
deal with that shit see you'd rather continue to pay this bill for the rest of
your life no i want to
take them off of course i want to take them off i just you know that's not my
top priority nia is not
fucking call you saw when i tried to get the nfl network i was on the phone for
fucking 90
mother fucking minutes you with people in southeast asia who didn't even know
what hot it was hockey
yeah you did really good i was very proud of you that day you were so calm you
were so polite you
didn't like freak out no you missed part of it when you left i was just like
listen yeah you know i'm
not trying to be a jerk but like this is your second language and you don't
even know what the sport is
i'm talking this would be like if you called me up and i you know rosetta stoned
how you speak
and you you want to watch cricket rosetta stoned yeah and they would just
she just goes i'm sorry i'm in asia is that going to be a problem and then i
felt bad i'm like no
it's not a problem you know what i'm saying she goes no i get it she was
actually great the first
person was a fucking idiot it wasn't a fucking idiot he just was not a smart
person
he he lacked the tools for that situation so no i have i have to do it there's
so many fucking if
you knew the amount of fucking money that i throw away because i don't want to
deal with the
infrastructure right the amount of times i've bought a plane ticket okay i buy
a fucking plane
ticket and then the thing gets canceled and i don't go i don't call up i just
eat the price
of the ticket i do you do all the fucking time all the fucking time because i
am not going to
www.delta.org i'm not fucking you have i'm not doing it your travel person do
it like when i
wasn't able to go to to nashville i emailed her and i said i'm not able to go
and then i'll get it oh
good i thought i ate that ticket no and she's like i'm gonna cancel it and i
said i'm gonna get a note
from my doctor and so maybe we'll be able to get reimbursed and she's like yeah
i just canceled it
like let me know and we'll do what we can i literally like i think i'm paying
for i paid for
a hotel room sunday night because we were going to be there through sunday
night yeah and rather than
just stopping at the fucking front desk and just dealing with that i just leave
you never check out i don't check out you never do like the hi i'm leaving how
was your stay
enjoyable you just fucking i leave walk out the door and i'm just like wait don't
we have to check
out you're like yeah don't send me the bill don't figure it out you never take
the time to check
out there's only you're the first only person i know that doesn't go down there
and is like okay
goodbye i'm leaving here's the key see you later you just fucking no i just
leave
i've done that with like rental cars one time i got so shit-faced so late into
the night and i
didn't realize that a 6 a.m flight i got up and i was still drunk and i was
like i can't fucking i
i tried to drive it's like i can't drive and my gps wasn't working because i
was in like fucking you
know elk deer fucking montana or some shit i was up in canada elk deer you know
yellow knife you know
they have all that shit they're like they're like us you know they wiped out
the indians and then they
just named shit after them to make themselves feel better right no we didn't do
that like us
canadians well like white people right yeah you're not included no i'm just
watching trump rally you're
not you're not a part of that so anyways like yeah i remember one time i was
and i just i gave the keys
to the guy at the hotel i go hey can you take that back for me i'm too drunk
yeah don't fucking worry
about it and i was so fucking shit-faced that like when two weeks later they
called me up
going yeah where's the car i was sitting there and i always give a fake number
right so i'm like
what do you mean i brought it back how the fuck did you get this number leave
me alone
they're like sir it hasn't come back yet i go i fucking i dropped it off
i just kept hanging up on him and i don't know there's something like the third
time they called
i finally was just like started thinking i was just like wait a minute did i
bring that back and i
called up verzi and i was like verzi did we bring that car back and he was just
like oh dude i don't
know i don't remember because you know because he was you know we were all
pretty fucking we were out
there and uh bartner couldn't remember and then i was just like wait a minute
dude there was a gig i did
and i gave the keys to someone at the hotel was that that gig and then we
figured out that it was that
gig and then they drove down and it was sitting there that cost me like 1200
bucks
do you realize the house we could be living in ridiculous no i do it it's so i
do it all the
fucking time because i don't give a shit i don't to money to me is just you're
just writing a number
on a piece of paper and it's just like just if you just get past the fact that
it actually has value
do you know if you just just listen you're in to be even to be saying that i've
always been that
way dollars a month is a lot to a lot of people to just be throwing away you
know what i mean like
that's the listen don't guilt me because nia i time out time out oh that
that i didn't know anybody in this business i didn't take the safe route
okay and go for the i'm gonna go do something else i earned the rights to blow
50 dollars a month on
numbers no it's my money i don't want to deal with that i i tried to be in the
office
area i wore a tie i tried to do it i sat in on meetings and i literally just
all i would think
about is like whoever was talking i wanted to run right at them dive over their
shoulder right through
the window and nose dive into the parking lot i can't live in that world so i
picked this where 99.9 of people fail all right so i took all of my chips i put
it on the zillion
to one shot and it came in and one of the perks of my business is i don't check
out
i walk out i walk out i don't want to talk to you i hate when i get into the
just leave me alone that's the thing just you don't want to leave me don't want
to talk to anybody who's
like hi can i help you let me get this right you just you don't ever want to
deal with any type of
customer service on any level leave me alone even if they're helping you you
don't even want to
deal with them no just leave me i hate when i check into a hotel and then there's
a phone call
and you pick up hello oh hey hi mr bird just checking to make sure everything
was all right
in your room this is so much you hate room you hate uh housekeeping services
turn down service you hate
all of that oh my god when my last one like the lady was coming in i'm like she's
not gonna do it
yeah i'm sorry i'm all right i'm all right she just kept coming i'm like i'm
all right
like get out of here i feel like i paid for that room i got the sign hanging
out on the other what do i have to have a guard out there he wants to be left
alone
what the what what the does that mean is everything all right with the room
first
of all i'm an adult if there was yeah there's i'm glad you called there's water
pouring in
i didn't know what to do
the room's fine the bed is on the ground there's a mattress
and i lie on it i know how to use everything in here that's it
that's it whenever we go to hotels if we're on vacation or anything and i'm
like bill can you
especially if we're in a foreign country i'm like bill can you call down and
you know ask them if they
can make reservations or whatever if it's like a different language bill always
goes no no no you're
better at that stuff than i am and i'm like all you have to do is ask them to
do something and he's
like no no no i can't i can't i'm not you have to do it i'm not good at it i'm
not good at it
you know it's funny i actually when i got to nashville so early right um and i
went into like the the
sky lounge thing i'm not gonna say the airline i always fly right but i i've
you know i finally
somebody convinced me to you know go into the sky lounge area right so i go all
right i'll do that
but then the stupid but that thing's stupid because then you have to get to the
airport early to make
it worth it it's like i don't want to be here i want to get here as late as
possible immediately
get on the plane and get the out of here right so anyways i got really there
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