Name: Bill Burr - Christmas Shopping | Wooden Toys vs Plastic Toys
Uploaded: 2016-11-07T20:14:13.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Christmas Shopping | Wooden Toys vs Plastic Toys' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-11-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Christmas Shopping | Wooden Toys vs Plastic Toys' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-11-07. Transcript available.

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the monday morning podcast
from monday november
6th 2016 holy shit dude i gotta start my fucking christmas shopping you know
what you actually
should at this point wouldn't that be great wouldn't it be great to just think
of every
fucking goddamn person out there that you gotta buy for not your kids all right
you love your
kids not your dog you love your dog right what else is there is your kids and
your dog that's what it
is right you love your wife too but you know you know this right wouldn't it be
great if you could
just fucking go just get it all fucking done just call in sick one day you know
exactly where you
want to go you know fuck give me one of those give me fucking like a dunkin
donuts give me uh two
fucking uh jellies a fucking powdered sugar fucking two glazed and a curler
right except it's gifts
you know and then you just have the lady down there wrap them for you the whole
fucking i mean nice
gifts though nice thoughtful shit for like 10 15 fucking people but you just
knock it out in four
hours right then you take these fake hay fever pills and you walk into words
like oh god i just
woke up i'll be all right i'll be in my cubicle whatever you did the whole
fucking thing is done
all right then you can just sit there and chill two things you should fucking
do i would this is why
i'm actually talking out loud to myself and i'm not mad if you're listening all
right two things you
gotta do you gotta do fucking cardio right through the new year because you
know you're gonna eat and
drink like a fucking pig you know what's happening all right you know it's the
end of the year you
know what i mean you get those few days off and you just start thinking what if
we just always had
days off and everybody just fucking cooked and you fucking drank and nobody
gave a shit and there
wasn't anything to do the next day you know that wonderful feeling of actually
living life while
enjoying it as opposed to looking at dread at your fucking watches this is the
next fucking mondays
coming you know so if you can just somehow knock it out you know what i mean
knock it out before the
animals show up you know i mean it's just fucking it all starts on black friday
and then it just
becomes fucking just bad fathers and i don't know what into december and all of
that shit so
you knock that out you do your half hour of cardio every fucking day you go for
whatever fuck you do
eat a salad or some shit just do something you know so you know as i'm sitting
here drinking a
fucking miller high life doing this fucking podcast um i should do that i
should make a fucking list in
my head right now all the nieces and nephews what do they want how old are they
bang bang boom
i don't like that internet shopping though you know you just go on amazon you
just go around just
clicking shit some reason it's not as fucking cool um i actually found it
accidentally found this really
cool toy store of course i was going out to a bar and it was closed and
everything but it actually had
like wooden toys like cars and shit like that like uh you know the way they
used to make them they didn't
make them that way when i was a kid i remember my dad say that christian this
cheap shit when i was a
kid christian it was made out of metal and wood and the tires were real rubber
right and our shit was
all fucking plastic and god knows what else you put it in your mouth and next
thing you know you were
bad at math and you couldn't read out loud so you had to start telling jokes
that's what happened
everything i was born during a fucking time when any fucking toy when you were
a kid if you were the
little kid going through the oral stage you know where they just stick that
whole fucking hand in
their mouth all your little brothers and shit every fucking toy you had if they
put it in their mouth
that was it you know they went from an a student down to a b student and then
they had all the
colorful cereals with all that fucking shit in it they had fluff peanut butter
and fluff sandwiches we
man it was just fucking it was a sugar coma um oh and i gotta tell you it was
great oh jesus christ
you need to fluff another sandwich then you put on the banana splits or the
monkeys
you know with the whole influence of the acid generation it's a good time um
*laughter*