Name: Bill Burr & Nia - Advice: Conspiracy Theorist Friend
Uploaded: 2016-11-21T13:41:21.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia - Advice: Conspiracy Theorist Friend' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-11-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia - Advice: Conspiracy Theorist Friend' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-11-21. Transcript available.

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.
Alright, hey there, old Billy Bibbit.
That's funny.
Who's Bibbit?
There's a character in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.
Oh, shit.
What's his face downstairs there?
An old friend of mine has gone so far down the rabbit hole of conspiracy
theories
that he really can't even function in society anymore.
Oh, that's relatable.
Tell him to start telling jokes.
He is unable to hold a conversation for two minutes without going off on some rambling
horse shit about chemtrails, Freemasons, aliens, and all of that crap.
Completely oblivious to the fact that none of us are interested in hearing
about all that
nonsense he reads on the internet.
It used to be funny.
We were driving out west a few years back and he pointed out at some lights
moving up in
the sky and said, those are the aliens that follow me around.
Oh, this sounds like a mental issue, dude.
I said, what does that sign on the right said?
He said, airport next exit.
And I said, yeah, those are airplanes, you jackass.
And he said, well, maybe some of them.
Wow.
He goes, okay, it's been over a decade of that kind of shit and it's gotten way,
way worse.
Because of this obsession and the resulting paranoia, he can't even hold down a
menial job and
all of his friends have abandoned ship.
He has become addicted to painkillers.
I think he already had a mental issue, man.
Yeah, yeah, of course.
Has been in and out of rehab centers and hospitals because of bizarre health
problems and is now
bordering on full-blown schizophrenia.
That sucks.
Well, you don't get that from reading conspiracy theories, sir.
Yeah, you really kind of did a fucking bait and switch here with this question.
That whole thing in the beginning was just like a red herring.
It turns out he's got like serious mental problems.
What's a red herring?
It's just a distraction?
Exactly.
It's something that you think is the cause of, you know, I'm not going to
explain it right
because I'm tired.
Oh, I got to use that excuse sometimes.
When I use an expression, oh, Jesus.
Where's the fucking defense?
My brain is mush.
Oh, Christ.
How many points does fucking Aaron Rodgers got to put up, you know?
It's like Tom Brady.
Same thing.
How many fucking points does he got to score?
He's got no defense.
I want to respect his right to believe what he wants to believe, but in the end,
it has
only caused him to lead an increasingly miserable and lonely life that will end
in a tragedy
and a sparsely attended funeral unless something changes soon.
So how the fuck do you bring someone back from so far over the edge?
Okay.
Well, he might be exaggerating a little bit with the, maybe he's using
schizophrenia as like
a fucking filler word there.
Like, you know, this guy's a narcissist.
This guy's a sociopath.
No, but this sounds like paranoid schizophrenia.
So that's exactly what it is.
Oh, Dr. Hill.
Are you going to diagnose that on this fucking wonderfully written fucking
email?
Well, considering that I had, unfortunately, a member of my family who went
through this
exact thing, I do feel that I recognize it a little bit.
Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.
Okay.
But do you feel like that you can make that diagnosis as someone who is not a
doctor?
No, of course not.
That is not a comedian, is not even a podcaster.
That you can, on a podcast, done by a comedian, as not a doctor, diagnose this
person that
you've never met based on this four-paragraph email.
Asked me to come in here.
So I'm giving my opinion.
I thought you were going to start a song.
You asked me to come here.
Are you annoyed that that lady singing about all the ingredients?
You get annoyed when black shit goes fucking mainstream and then white people
ruin it.
Well, I got peas, greens, tomatoes, potatoes.
You name it!
Yeah, that thing.
You name it!
I swear to God, if that's what my-
It had a nice little week long run before everyone else.
If that's what my church was like, I would go every week if it was only a half
hour long.
I still, I just can't get into the fucking, I like the singing part in black
churches,
but even when the priest, regardless of race, when they get up there and they
start saying
that this invisible guy gives a shit about me, that's, I just, I tap out.
I just can't listen to it.
Anyway.
He wants you to have, he, Jesus, Jesus, won't you have that, that second flat
screen downstairs.
Your friend needs professional help.
You're not going to be able, I like Joel Osteen.
He's a very positive guy.
Well, you know something?
He's been out there long enough that you'd think if there was a scandal, it
would come
out by now, right?
Mm-hmm.
Your friend needs professional help.
This is beyond your, this is beyond your pay grade.
Jesus, don't shit on the guy.
He might've just been being funny just because-
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm not shitting on him.
I'm saying that his friend needs help and this is not anything that he is
qualified to
do.
So, because he's-
That's a much nicer way of saying, saying it's beyond your pay grade.
Hey, buddy, why don't you get, go pick up your broom and keep sweeping up.
This is the job of people with lab coats.
Wait, hold on a second.
But what is he, he said like, I respect his right to believe what he wants to
believe,
but in the end, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah.
Yeah, I don't, I don't even think he necessarily maybe even believes, believes
it.
He's just got, yeah, he's, yeah, he's become addicted to pain clears.
He's been in and out of rehab centers and hospitals because of bizarre health
problems.
Yeah, he is now bordering on full-blown schizophrenia.
Yeah, I think you just got to be there for him, but maybe just check in on him
and say,
hey, are you taking your meds?
Are you going to see your doctor?
That type of thing.
But you're, I don't think you're going to be able to like help him with this.
This is beyond you.
Is that what I just said?
Yeah.
You know what's fucking cool as shit?
The Redskins still have a band and they actually have a team song.
I think that's fucking cool.
It's a professional level for some reason that all went away.
I hope our baby doesn't get your ADD.
Why?
It's worked great for me.
Has it?
Yeah.
Yeah, it has.
You name it!
I play drums, fly helicopters, tell jokes, you name it!
ADD is a fucking great thing to have.
It sucks with some shit, but it sucks when you're in school and you're going to
do poorly in school
and everyone's going to say you're fucking dumb.
But when you get out in the world, man, it's fucking tremendous.
It's tremendous.
I know.
I run around all day long.
You don't have it very, so you don't have it like severely though.
You aren't able to focus on things.
You just get, you know, you even got the lab glasses on tonight, don't you?
Just fucking diagnosing everything.
How do you know what I have it is?
Remember when we tried to do that ADD questionnaire and you couldn't even pay
attention long enough?
To answer the questions.
Yeah, but part of that was because I was annoyed with it.
Yeah.