Name: Bill Burr - Gun Test
Uploaded: 2016-12-13T16:44:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Gun Test' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-12-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Gun Test' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-12-13. Transcript available.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, December 12th, 2016.
What's going on? How are ya?
I've got to be a little quiet, man. It's only like 6.30 in the morning out here.
My lovely wife is still sleeping.
And so I'm trying not to wake her up. I'm upstairs.
Going to try to be a good boy this fucking week, all right?
I'm still going to say all the fucked up shit I always say.
I'm just going to say it at a volume. It's, you know, a little more palatable.
You know, I woke up this morning, ba-do-ba-do-boop.
I heard this big fucking booming noise.
And you ever get that feeling like, you're like, did I just dream that?
Or is somebody in the house, right?
And then you immediately start thinking like, all right, I got kitchen knives.
I got a fucking softball bat right next to my bed.
But the reality is, you know, as much as people want gun control and all of
that shit,
I mean, that's the first thing you think of, you know?
You know, there should be a fucking thing, right?
Where if they can fucking test you one goddamn time,
answer like five fucking questions,
and then all of a sudden you never have to go through any sort of fucking,
you know, major security at the airport.
Because one time you didn't act like a fucking lunatic.
And then I guess you're good for the rest of your life.
Why can't just like one time, okay?
Can't come up with the same type of a test.
Whatever the fuck they're seeing down at the airport,
they can't come up with that for fucking regular people.
You know, you know what would be perfect?
Just to have a fucking 38 and they let you have a silencer.
No, fuck that, a Glock with the silencer.
Because you don't want to ruin your ears.
You just want to kill the person that comes in your house, right?
It'd be great.
Be right there next to your table.
And the person comes walking in, you know,
give me all your fucking money.
Just reach over.
They fucking hit the ground.
You put the gun back down.
You just go back to sleep.
And, you know, a couple hours, wake back up again.
You're like,
Hey, who's this?
Your brother-in-law came up.
Oh!
Oh, that's right.
That's right.
Honey.
Yeah, while you were sleeping, some guy broke in.
Yeah, he's dead.
You want to call the cops?
I'll get some, you know, get the coffee going.
You know, everybody, you know,
they tell you don't have a knife or anything like that.
You want, bat will give you distance.
But at the end of the day, you know what I mean?
There has to be some sort of test.
They look at your fucking driving record, right?
How you did in high school.
Jesus, I'd be out the window.
I don't know what the fuck.
However the fuck they do it, okay?
And, you know,
you just get, you get a,
you get a Glock with a fucking silencer.
You don't hurt your ears.
You know?
You aim center mass or whatever.
It would be a great fucking thing.
I really think it would be a great thing.
You know, as long as you knew
what everybody's feet sounded like
on the floor in your house,
as long as you know what,
you knew what their walk sounded like.
That would be the test, right?
All your loved ones in your house,
they would,
from bare feet
to fucking snowshoes,
you just had to be like,
all right,
that's my son, Mikey.
Okay, that's my wife
and she's wearing Uggs, right?
And you get it all down.
All right?
So then you know
what the fucking sound is.
I don't know.
I'm just saying,
I had a little fucking,
I heard a noise,
I got a little nervous.
I was just like,
what am I,
Jason fucking born over here?
I'm not, you know?
My wife's been snoring
to beat the fucking band
now that she's in the third trimester,
which is understandable.
The kid's laying on her fucking lungs.
So I have to go upstairs to sleep
and all of this shit
went through my fucking head.
All right?
Like, what if somebody came in downstairs,
took out my wife
and left
with no fucking fingerprints?
They're gonna fucking blame me.
That's the first thing I thought.
Not, oh my God,
my pregnant wife was gonna be dead.
First thing I thought is,
I'm gonna go to jail for that shit.
That's what, you know?
I'm really selfish
when I'm in the middle of the night.
I'm really groggy.
Like,
like right now I'm awake
and I'd be like,
well, I would be too,
I wouldn't give a fuck
what they did to me at that point.
I'd be so upset
that I lost my wife.
But when I'm laying here
nice and toasty under the sheets,
that's the first thing I thought of.
Like,
oh man, I love this bed.
I mean,
I wouldn't have this bed in jail.