Name: Bill Burr Rambles About Vacation, Life Insurance, And Joe Pesci
Uploaded: 2016-12-30T15:35:47.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Rambles About Vacation, Life Insurance, And Joe Pesci' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-12-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Rambles About Vacation, Life Insurance, And Joe Pesci' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-12-30. Transcript available.

Bill Burr Rambles About Vacation, Life Insurance, And Joe Pesci

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you.
How you doing? Sorry, it's like 8.15 in the morning. My wife's gonna fucking
kill me. I'm sorry, it's 8.39.
Oh, all right. It's on the other side, 8.30. You know, let's take those
construction rules. You can't hammer a nail until 7 a.m.
I can't yell. I'm just checking in on you until after 8.30 in the morning. That's
the deal that we have.
All right. What's going on? How is your in between Christmas and New Year's? Do
you guys get the time off?
You know, I know the kids do. Kids on break, you know, just in time to fucking
run into that chick from high school.
You always tried to bang, give it a shot, right? Everybody else, did you have
to go to work on the 26th or the 27th?
You're right there. You're right back. It's the fucking worst. Everybody should
be off.
You shouldn't even be able to buy food this time of year. Everything is fucking
closed.
Everybody just sit down, fucking relax, you know, take a week for yourselves.
This fucking country, man, we got to be more like Europe.
I don't know how they do it over there with their fucking goddamn skinny jeans,
you know.
Their fucking legs are as skinny as their arms over there in those tall people
countries, you know, the Scandinavian countries.
You know, down in the Mediterranean, these motherfuckers, they get like six
weeks vacation a year.
It's fucking incredible. Why don't we do that? Huh?
President to be Donald Trump.
You want to make this country great? You can make this country what it never
fucking had.
Six weeks of vacation.
You know, fucking.
Ah, that would be good. How great would that be?
Every two months, you just get a week off.
Right?
Then you work for seven. Lucky seven.
You work for seven fucking weeks.
Then you get a week off.
And just sit there and fucking chill out.
And start, you know.
Let all the stress of your job go.
Fucking start over.
Everybody is off at the same time.
Cops.
Pilots.
You know, people who watch the nuclear fucking facilities.
You just, you know, it's not gonna, nothing's gonna happen.
Right?
What's this? The Simpsons?
You're fine.
Everybody just chill.
Even in a war.
That's it.
Every fucking seven weeks.
Boom.
Right?
Seven weeks you try to kill each other.
And then, you know, right when it hits the eighth week, somebody stands up out
of their trench.
Silent night.
Holy night.
All is calm.
Right?
You just fucking chill up.
This is, this is basically the deal.
I am, um, really trying to, uh, I think I'm gonna fucking talk to somebody.
I gotta fucking get my temper under control.
Cause I don't want to be an angry dad.
Uh, I want to break this cycle.
Woo hoo.
Um, so somebody told me yesterday, they go, well, why don't you try meditation?
And I go, fuck out of here.
That works.
And the person was like, yeah, I do it twice a day for 20 minutes.
And, uh, like, I'm going to have the time to do that when I have a fucking kid.
Uh, twice a day for 20 minutes.
And, um, he said, like, if you just meditate, shut your brain off, your body
just starts getting
rid of stress.
And I asked him, I said, this has made you less angry.
He said, much less angry.
So I'm going to give that a shot.
And I'm going to talk to somebody, you know, I've been cleaning up all my shit,
trying to
get rid of a bunch of stuff.
And I found this empty notebook and I was like, all right, this is going to be
like my
fucking angry journal, you know, figure out, oh my God, yesterday I, you know,
the amount
of shit that I just, I just completely, I go from zero to 9,000 fucking degrees.
Um, you know, yesterday I pulled up and there was some guy fucking parked in,
you know, the
top of my driveway because yet another thing was fucked up with my house.
Did I tell you guys the awning fucking broke?
It's just, it just never fucking ends.
It just never, this fucking house, it never ends.
I just find myself, I feel like I'm running in a giant circle that I'm, once I
get everything
fucking fixed, you know, 360 degrees rotisserie fucking, uh, um, whatever the
fuck, rebuild
of this fucking house.
The second I do the last thing, the first thing I fixed is going to break and
it's just going
to start all over again.
So, um, anyways, I'm going to try to do that.
And, um, you know, it's fucking hilarious is like when I actually am calm and I
am relaxed,
it actually makes my wife nervous, you know, like, not like nervous, like she's
afraid I'm
going to do something.
She's just like, she's like, are you, uh, everything okay with you?
Uh, what's, what's going on with you?
And it's just like nothing.
I'm just quiet and relaxing.
She's just, yeah.
Are you okay?
So, um, I got to dial it way the fuck down.
You know, I think my average energy, you know, you ever play like pick up
whatever sport and
there's always that person taking it way too seriously.
And before the game even starts, they skate up next to you or they stand next
to you, post
up or whatever.
You can just feel their fucking energy and you're just like, Oh God, not this
fucking guy.
I, I hate to admit it, but I think I'm that guy except I'm not playing a sport.
I'm just fucking walking around my house.
Um, I don't know what the fuck it is, but, uh, I have to work on that shit.
So, um, as I've been mentioning, you guys, I've been getting rid of a ton of
shit.
Um, you know, selling stuff, having a buddy of mine, sell it on Craigslist,
trying to take
as little as I can to goodwill.
Cause I really believe that they just fill that fucking truck up with 90% of
the shit
and just throw it in the ocean.
So I'm actually trying to sell it to people, um, just the sheer amount of shit
that people
bring down to goodwill.
Like people use goodwill, you know what I mean?
Without ever addressing their fucking consumerism.
And I did it too.
Like how much shit I bought and just how every time you leave the house, you
come home with
something else in a bag and then it's just in your fucking house.
Like when me and Nia first moved in with two people in a fucking house, I mean,
it was like
echo, echo.
And all of a sudden, five years later, it's fucking filled up.
I'm like, what, what happened?
How did we become these people?
So who are these people?
So, um, I'm, I'm getting rid of like all of this clutter.
Uh, you know, like I have every fucking laptop just about that I've ever
fucking had.
I, I've always kept them because I don't know, like I always hear that, you
know, they end
up in junkyards and something leaks out of them.
And I'm like, well, why don't I just leave it in my fucking closet?
It's not hurting anything.
It's just sitting there.
And then I got two in there.
Then I got three.
Then I got four.
So, uh, I'm going to try to find a place that recycles them responsibly.
Um, so anyways, throughout all of this, people go, you got to check out this
documentary,
these guys, the minimalists.
And, um, I started to watch it the other night and, uh, I'm totally on board.
It's what I want.
And I'm watching it with Nia and it's fucking hilarious as I can feel her
getting annoyed.
And I'm like, Nia, are you watching this?
And shit, she goes, yes.
She goes, you know, I don't, you know, I like my stuff, blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah.
And I kept poking at her to see what the deal was.
And she was finally just like, yeah, I just don't give a shit about a bunch of
white people
that are all excited that they're now living with like absolutely nothing.
You know, they, they, you know, if they fucking, what, how the fuck did she put
it?
She goes, there's a lot of people living like that.
Not out of, there wasn't a choice.
Right.
And I was like, oh, Jesus Christ.
We're going to go down that fucking room.
We actually had a great conversation.
I was like, you know what?
There's a certain kind of white person that a fucking annoys the shit out of
you.
She goes, no, there is.
I go, yeah, there is.
It's the white person that is not happy in life and is trying to, to, to figure
out what
true happiness is because the stereotype of a white person is that they just
show up and
all their dreams come true.
All right.
These are just a group of people that were living away a certain way.
It wasn't making them happy.
They tried something new.
It made them happy.
And they just want to share it with you.
And this is why my wife's the shit.
She goes, all right, now that you put it that way.
Okay, fair enough.
I was being judgmental, but blah, blah, blah.
We came, we came to a good place, but it was fucking, she went, I wish you guys
could have
heard.
She went on one of her fucking epic rants.
I was dying laughing because I heard the element of truth in it.
But, um, I don't know.
There is all of that shit though.
There is that, that fucking thing, how every group of people is like defined,
you know,
by a negative and, uh, you know, I guess with white people is that, you know,
we have yachts
and we're raised by the maid who's not white and, uh, whatever we want, we get,
and then
we screw it up.
And then our parents come in and save us because they know the judge, you know,
and that's
definitely, that's an option as a white person, but that's, you know, you're
really slicing
off the top of the ham there.
Anyways, um, so this is going to be the new me, you know, let's see how long,
who the fuck's
kidding who, let's see how long I can sustain this.
Okay.
Because the reality is, is you are who the fuck you are.
And I am a wound up son of a bitch.
And, um, I'm going to try to unwind as much as I can for as long as I can, uh,
before I
go back into that deep groove that I've worn into how my brain is functioned.
Uh, I'm going to try to fucking meditate.
I'm going to get rid of all of this fucking shit that I have accumulated.
Um, you know, for years already, I've gone to like comedy events and stuff and
they're always
giving you like this gift bag of it's, and it's just shit.
It just, you know, I don't even know what the fuck, half the shit, I don't even
know
what the fuck it is.
Little things of jelly beans with the fucking festival's name on it, some
toiletries, some
travel bag shit, you know, all in a little bag that has the logo, the thing on
it.
And you're like, I got to keep this, you know, part of my scrapbook that I don't
fucking
have.
And I just, what I started to do is I just say no, I say no.
And then if it gets weird and they have this vibe of like, Hey, I'm trying to
give you
a gift here and you're turning it down.
I kind of feel, uh, you know, insulted me a little bit, kind of insulted me a
little bit
here.
I will take the bag and then what I do is I come home and then I just, I give
it to
somebody.
Hey, you know, I just said to say, I take, you sure you don't want it?
Yeah, yeah, take it, take it.
Get it the fuck out of here.
You know?
And what's funny too is actually now when you go out and you try and sell your
shit, you
realize how little fucking value it has.
You know what I mean?
Um, I don't know.
And I should tell you when, as I sell this shit, have an element of guilt.
And I always think of that movie.
What about Bob?
When that therapist passed Bob on to Richard Dreyfuss, that's what I feel like
I'm doing
with my stuff is I'm selling it to these people.
I'm just looking at them as they buy it.
I'm like, you're not going to fucking use that.
Your problem now, buddy.
Um, so anyways, that's what I've been, uh, that's what I'm doing.
I got to, uh, I have to chill way the fuck out, um, for the next 18 to 22 years,
evidently.
And, uh, so I imagine I'll get some tweets.
Don't you think that's going to hurt your comedy?
No, I don't.
I've been fucking up my life for almost half a century.
I have plenty to draw on.
Um, and just the fact of someone being as wound up as me trying to walk around
and act
like, you know, wearing a sweater and laughing at small talk is going to do it
for me.
Right, right there.
There'll be something in that, right?
Or maybe you weren't thinking that.
Ma