Name: Bill Burr Rambles About Gay-cut Tees, Sitting On Rainbows, And Doctors Without Shoes
Uploaded: 2017-01-06T14:58:34.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Rambles About Gay-cut Tees, Sitting On Rainbows, And Doctors Without Shoes' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-01-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Rambles About Gay-cut Tees, Sitting On Rainbows, And Doctors Without Shoes' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-01-06. Transcript available.

Bill Burr Rambles About Gay-cut Tees, Sitting On Rainbows, And Doctors Without Shoes

hey what's going on hey oh what's going on it's it's bill burr and this is the
thursday afternoon
just before friday monday morning podcast and i'm just checking in on you just
check oh i'm eating
my balls do do do do do do on the damn stage oh oh freckles is paying the price
he's paying the
price every comedian that has a special coming out you know in the next couple
of weeks whenever the
they're putting it out i believe the rumor i heard a rumor banana rama oh yeah
when are they gonna get
back together huh every year that goes by everybody was talking about when's
guns and
roses gonna get back together when's axel and slash gonna but what about banana
rama
i heard a rumor they were getting back together for a summer tour
um i'm paying the price every goddamn all the comedians out there paid uh who
have a special
coming out is that you just go on stage and you have you know you got nothing
you got one little
fucking you got one little pea shooter and then you got a slingshot and uh
fucking whatever two months
earlier you had a howitzer of a fucking act and it's the weirdest fucking thing
just imagine if uh
whatever if you're an athlete or something like every couple of years you had
to relearn not all the
mechanics but you just couldn't hit the jump shot anymore you had to yeah that
that shot was in my
repertoire now i gotta relearn how to do this in a but in a different way i
gotta do it and i gotta
shoot it with my left hand now because they already saw me do it with my right
hand and then the more
you do it the more hours you put out right then you go when i gotta bounce it
off my head
because you know you can't keep doing the same or everybody's like i got more
of the same
dude that reminds me of this thing you did on the other guy with this person
right you just gotta
fucking deal with that so last night you know of course i have to go on after ian
edwards i-a-a-a-n
edwards who's one like that guy all he has is a level fucking material just up
there murdering
and uh i went up there with my basic fucking horse i was in a really dark place
it's funny to be in a dark place and then like you know mentally just like uh
and then to be talking
about the that i was talking about and um i don't know but i gotta plow through
this
as far as like uh i gotta get past my anger and i'm telling you this exercise
that i did
that i'm really starting to think my shoulders how do you put your shoulders up
remember that bit
i used to do i think i was stuck in a defensive posture
like shell-shocked you know what i mean there's only so many times you can get
slapped in the back
of the head by bigger kids before your shoulders are just naturally up like you're
already beginning
to block whatever's coming at your head and i think i was kind of stuck in that
and um you know i was
talking to some people about that and it was like well you know there's
physical ailments and then
there's the emotional trauma of what's going on with your life and there's
certain people that think
they're related i don't know if you guys are into that hippie man but you look
up this stuff you know
this is like one of these things when you go to look this up you completely
leave the medical
profession in the united states of america like you start like the doctors
slowly start wearing
less and less shoes as you start to go further east with your you're you're
looking for medical
solutions you know if you're looking for a medical solution in the united
states of of the americas
it's going to be a guy in wingtip shoes with dark socks you know fully clothed
being like
okay yeah you gotta uh your rotator cuff is deep we need to go in and operate
and take the medial
card a little over all the mcl and all they're going to give you this straight
fucking how the body works we've done an mri this is what the is going on with
your body but then
as you start to go you know you start to step away from that
shit the pharmaceutical companies and all that not saying it's all bad not
saying it's all bad
when's the last time we had a plague you know for as much as the pharmaceutical
companies allegedly
allegedly created a heroin epidemic in this country by handing out opiates like
flintstone
vitamins to fucking adults uh you know there's also you know nobody's walking
around with scurvy
so that's something right i guess no one really walked around with scurvy billy
had to be on a
boat lost at sea you know with no wind in your sails and iron maiden singing
right the curse it lived on
in his height um so uh yeah but the further you go down that rabbit hole like
uh
the fucking the longer the hair gets then there's like you know more loose
fitting clothes then it
becomes sandals and then just sort of the more you know me and we start talking
like this and then i
get all fucking uncomfortable um i'll look up some i'm gonna hit pause right
now i'm gonna look up some
shit about like the memories i mean let me see what this fucking doctor looks
like
all right perfect perfect fucking perfect so i looked up memories held and then
the media that came
up was in body so of course wikipedia has something that's just gonna be like
you know the old right
there fred so the first thing i scrolled down to that was not wikipedia was
tiny buddha
all right and i swear to god it says how to release the painful memories and
emotions stored in your
body uh by jennifer sterling of course now they're gonna let a woman do
something right they're not
gonna let her in the wingtip world so the picture you see is some antonio banderas
looking guy with the uh
i call it the gay cut t-shirt you know you know you know the v-neck t-shirt
that the gay guys wear
because they're all in crazy shape you know what i mean it's not the dad bod
cut
it's the gay male cut where they have chest cleavage because they have zero
percent body fat so
the guy's dressed white on white with the gay cut t at yoga pants no shoes and
he's on the beach
not a hospital to be found
he looks like fucking a good-looking tom hanks and castaway if he didn't give a
that he was cast away cast away yeah and he didn't need to talk to a soccer
ball because
he was so fucking centered and he breathed his way through how the did he
become a castaway i can't
even remember it must have been his ship sank right or was he flying with emilia
i don't know
was it one of those tarantino movies where he kind of with history all right
the cure for pain
is in the pain says somebody named rumi and then says free download buddha
desktop wallpaper
that kind of kills it you know when you have like a jesus or a buddha or a muhammad
like wallpaper
you know what i mean kind of cheeses it up a little bit now you think okay
all right let me read in my best yoga voice your body keeps a physical memory
of all your experiences
you have lots of memories stored in your brain that you can recount at any
given moment
you can call names faces yeah i get how my brain works what your sandwich
smelled like but over
time these memories fade or change as time passes as and we mature however even
when the memory begins
to fade from your brain get to the point it lives in your body in the form of a
physical sensation and
behavior patterns the body doesn't forget now jesus what's your body from hell's
kitchen hey that
was for 20 years ago you piece of right your brain's all forgiving like hey man
like you know
not gonna lie i didn't enjoy it when it happened but you know god i mean it's a
sunny day just go out
and enjoy it all right the events of our lives leave physical imprints in our
bodies especially when we
experience trauma okay okay stress and all this that caused the body to fight
flee or freeze in order to
cope this is what i'm saying i think i was all i was in a uh you know after you
take a couple of
fucking right left to the head you just kind of you just walk around
i just thought i you know i have like 40 years ago whatever the i was in high
school
40 years ago was i 18. no that was 30 years ago 30 years ago i was 18. yeah i'm
oh you knew that phone
was gonna ring oh you knew it who is this who the hell is this i should have
put it on pause who is this hello
hello
can you believe someone would pocket dial me during my podcast you know what's
funny is i don't even know
who the that was i have no idea who the that was they have no idea who the i am
i that's what's always fascinated me about when you just you just dial a wrong
number
i've said this before right you dial a number and somebody says hello and you're
like yeah hey is uh
is is is frank there and they're like who and you're like frank and they're
like oh i'm sorry
they're like i'm sorry you have the wrong number now i get wrong numbers
everybody gets wrong numbers
here's my question to you do you think you've ever accidentally called somebody
famous
you know what i mean like you just uh i don't know you just dial the wrong
number and like bill
clinton picked up or obama we'll throw a republican in there george bush hey it's
his daddy right he
picks up and you and he has to go through the same is you like is frank there
and he's ah you know what is that there's nobody there's no frank here yeah
yeah you i love it then
then they read the number to you like you don't know what your number is is
this blob no it isn't
it's why there's no frank here
um anyways let me continue on all right well all this
shit how do i get it out of me because my body it never forgets it's like neem
leeson
if you punch me in the head in seventh grade um wait a minute i love that they
finally gave jamie
fox the Liam neeson role he has a movie coming out where it's one of those
movies like you
with my family i'm gonna kill you it's about time you know they ran out of
young
white guys to give that to and then they just kept going over like liam neeson
i mean that guy's like
what is he like 83 didn't he play like obi-wan kenobi or some um all right the
first tool
to put your emotional toolkit uh the first tool to put in your emotional
toolkit and this is why
this is why i've never been able to get through this because
i who's gonna because i'm up but when i start to go down this road of doctors
who don't wear shoes
like it's okay the pictures that they have okay it says how to set new year's
goals you'll actually
enjoy pursuing and it's a stick figure sitting on a rainbow staring up at the
sun with a big goofy
smile on its face and uh i don't know about you guys but where i came from that
sort of happiness was
not allowed you basically were not allowed to be happy and it was shamed off
oh no wait why am i letting that react i why am i reacting to that i have the
power
i could have you know it's funny right before i started this i was thinking i
should go into the
settings and i should just turn it off and i didn't so i created this situation
not a dead steve jobs
huh you know i guess i could get upset with steve jobs with how many times that
thing rings before it
goes to voicemail but then i imagined that i could actually go into settings
and i could determine that
i just don't have the patience all right the first tool okay guys your first
tool to put in your emotional
toolkit this is the type of class i would go to with nia and she would just
feel me either starting to get mad or
just laughing at the thing as she being the angel that she is an open channel
would be like okay
what is the first emotional tool it's because she's a woman she gets to do that
be
like oh my god let's get some s'mores they get to be like that we're not you
know
you don't have a bottle opener you got to use your teeth you know it's just
such stupid guy
shit and if you don't know how to do that thing where you bring your beer up to
the counter and
slam it down you know you're somehow less of a man um i like how i'm putting
all of my issues
onto you guys all right let's see here we go okay the first tool to put in your
emotional toolbox
non-judgment oh i mean there goes my stand-up career i mean my entire
fucking life is 