Name: Bill Burr - From Turkey | Conspiracy Theories
Uploaded: 2017-01-09T23:13:47.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - From Turkey | Conspiracy Theories' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-01-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - From Turkey | Conspiracy Theories' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-01-09. Transcript available.

all right from turkey i'm sick of being called a delusional conspiracy theorist
by my family and my
lady he said i live in the republic of turkey maybe you've heard that there was
a coup here
last year yes i did uh i put it in quotation because it was the most pathetic
attempt in
turkish history um so it didn't go down like the ukraine um long conspiracy
short your guys were
losing control of our guys whom they installed here to have a nice little proxy
to the lovesy to
the lovely oil desert downtown deserts downtown i already love how this person
is thinking uh so
they try to pull the carpet from under our guys because god knows they can't
pass aggression wars
in your congress anymore since you american citizens are woke as fuck now
thankfully
i guess we're not because i don't know what any of this means by the way you
don't write like you're
from turkey like this is your second language you're using like really high
level slang for someone who
lives on the other side of the world um anyways this pathetic coup attempt
created a lot of turmoil here
i mean it would be less destructive if it succeeded because now through their
paranoia they are going
full ape shit which turns turkey to a bittersweet heaven for a conspiracy theorist
like myself with
all the stuff going on um all right well there's no fucking way i'm reading
your name so you don't
end up in a jail if you actually are from turkey um i can deal with my family's
indifference to all
this and my friends are most likely are most like me regarding these subjects
but the fact that my
girl stonewalls me goes yeah doll okay really annoys me down deep of course it
does anytime you're
passionate about an opinion and somebody just goes oh really okay sweetheart
forget about it if it's a
woman that you have feelings for um she is a totally dope chick in every other
aspect dude you're not
from turkey you're not from turkey but i'll continue with this fun to hang out
hates the movies and music
i hate has c cup fun pillows that were sculpted by god himself for my palms but
i can't help lose
respect for her when it comes to her not giving a single shit about politics
and stuff she's convinced
she doesn't get affected by them for some reason and it doesn't matter i'm
curious how you dealt with
this feeling also i'm very interested in how you reach information about the
world and what news
outlets you trust uh from turkey with love to you and the uh all right well let's
say you're from turkey
very impressive your english and your slang you're actually better at my
language than i am um
all right here's what you have to understand as a conspiracy theorist is that
you're you're really uh
you're a lot to deal with and you really wear people out this is what i learned
when i went down
the rabbit hole which i got out of a good two three years ago is that as much
as you don't trust what
the fuck people are telling you which is really common sense and i'm not saying
there's a bunch
of fucking crazy people living under a mountain pulling the strings but what i'm
saying is that
everybody is spinning this shit because everybody has their own agenda so you
can't you don't like
if you just if you fucking showed up to a two-car accident okay both people are
gonna spin it in a way
even if one person was a hundred percent right they're still gonna spin it so
there's no fucking
way that you know they can be perceived they're gonna spin it just because the
other person is
spinning just to offset their spinning of it it's like listening to that whole
fucking russia tapped
into uh you know hacked into our shit you're gonna listen to the democrats
spinning it the republicans
spinning it the cia spinning it and then fucking russia they're spinning on it
so at the end of it who the
fuck knows what happened i just love how our country is acting like we don't
spy on russia
and we don't try to influence elections around the fucking world and we haven't
placed people in power
taking people out and all of that it's fucking hilarious all of a sudden it
happens to us and
it's a big goddamn tragedy so um i would say uh
respect the fact that she's not into politics i'm envious of people that can
then you know i kind of
did that after a while like after a while it's just like you're screaming into
a tornado
all right it's way bigger than you are um there are people out there that have
the ability and the
influence to fucking i guess turn shit around but i'm not that guy i'm just
some fucking guy
ruining your beer at a bar by bringing all my delusional paranoid fucking
thoughts whether i'm
right or not which i was probably right on a few things like mel gibson in that
movie where he drove
the taxi cab i was probably right about a few fucking things but i don't know
what they are
so all you're doing is just annoying the shit out of people and i have to be
honest with you if
your girl actually loves you and she's to the point of responding of yeah doll
okay
i think you've probably worn her down i bet she didn't say that in the
beginning
she probably listened to it and you probably freaked her out and you don't have
a solution
you're just saying all this fucking shit that's just gonna ruin her day
so maybe that's her defense mechanism and i'm what i'm doing
is i'm not being i'm not going dr phil here and just siding with the woman
because i i don't have a female audience unlike that fucking dishonest cunt
right you need to do what she says
when you look ladies when you look at dr phil
when you honestly look at that man do you see somebody do you honest
do you not see how volatile a human being that guy is
can you just imagine living with that man
when he loses his his shit just imagine
that semi-bald head and face just beat red screaming at you
his spittle getting caught in his mustache just imagine that
and he's a big man too okay i'm telling you
i know he's got that southern drawl and you just think everybody's a fucking
gentleman
you know the way women love a foreign fucking accent i guess guys like it too
i don't know i don't know what the fuck i'm talking about anyways let's get
back to this guy
to lose respect for the fact that somebody's not into what the fuck you're into
is uh that's a sign you know
it'd be one thing if she just didn't give a fuck about uh
me i don't know i i'd have to know who the fuck she was that could just be a
defense mechanism
where it's just like whatever it doesn't affect my life you know i've done that
with global warming
and all of that type of shit i've just started to block it out
because there's nothing i can do to get people
to i don't and i don't even know what the i don't know what the fucking
solution is
the only solution i have is to fucking exterminate
most of us 90 of us and then just fucking everybody sits in a ball
and hopes that uh everything that we've put into the earth and into the air
kind of goes away after a while
that's the only solution i have which i don't think that that's gonna work
so um i don't know i just you know i i try to fucking do whatever the fuck i
can do which is
you know i don't know see dude this is why people don't like concede you you
literally bringing this
up has brought me to a dark fucking place and your email alone just told me
that just got me to say
that we need to exterminate 90 of the people on the fucking planet how insane
is that
how are you gonna do that bill you're gonna do that to babies too
or you're not gonna do babies but you're gonna kill all those fucking parents
and then what you're gonna
have the most giant fucking nursery like it all it all unravels
the whole fucking thing that's why i kind of stopped doing the conspiracy
theory thing even
though i still throw it out there because it's fun
and i and i also don't believe a fucking word anybody's telling me um when it
comes to that
shit you know one-on-one you know if i sat down with somebody and there's not
cameras around then i
feel like they can really be honest with me but the second you're on tv you
know
it's only so honest you could be um so i don't know i i would probably guess
that on some level
you're a lot to be around during certain news stories and uh i think you should
lighten up a
little bit take your girlfriend out go get a fucking ice cream and enjoy the
fact that someone as
beautiful as you're saying is she is actually can tolerate you and your your
fucking theories
all right i haven't said that if i ever go to turkey i'll definitely have a
beer with you and i'll
fucking i'll go fucking toe for toe with you with conspiracy theories um all
right and thank you
for listening to the podcast