Name: Bill Burr - That Time When Bill Bought A Safe
Uploaded: 2017-01-20T15:19:36.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - That Time When Bill Bought A Safe' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-01-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - That Time When Bill Bought A Safe' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-01-20. Transcript available.

I would tell you about the time I bought a safe like 10 fucking years ago, you
know, I bought a safe because I had like, you know, moved out and all that shit.
Well, shit, moved out. I moved out for 10 years and somebody had me all fucking
paranoid, you know, that if I lost my birth certificate, my passport, you know,
I'd done my first stand-up special and I had the original like whatever the
master copy of it.
And basically if that thing was gone, I was afraid I was fucked. So I get this.
I just got this little fucking, you know, it wasn't even that bad.
The fucking safe was like the size of like a kitchen fridge. I mean, one of
those little ones, you know what I mean?
One of those ones that you can also use as like a nightstand. So one of the
things about getting a safe is you don't want anybody to know that you have it,
you know, or it kind of defeats the fucking purpose.
So these assholes come to fucking deliver the safe and I'm living on a second
floor walk-up.
This is when I'm in New York City, right? I live in a second floor walk-up,
which is great.
So, um, anyways, so I'm living in New York City. I got a second floor fucking
walk-up.
So I have these guys delivered, right? And like I said, the thing is you want
nobody to know that you have it.
Not only do you want to have a fucking safe, but you don't want anybody to know
that you have it.
Because immediately you get a safe. People think you have bars of gold worth
half a million of whack in there.
They're just going to fucking bust into your apartment and find a fucking, you
know, my birth certificate and a fucking, you know, the master to my first
stand-up special.
So the dude shows up. Now the thing about a fucking safe is not only, there's
two things about a safe.
One, you don't want someone to be able to crack the safe, you know, pick the
lock or whatever and get in there.
And number two, you don't want it to be like, you don't want someone to be able
to just be able to pick it up and leave with it.
So then they can go to their house and take a fucking blowtorch.
So it's got to be really fucking heavy. It's got to be hard to break into.
And then, you know, depending on the thickness, you know, it can survive a fire
for a specified amount of time.
So I get this basic fucking safe, you know, I don't know, wait a couple, I don't
know, a couple hundred pounds.
I don't know what to wait. And this fucking guy shows up with this.
I'd never seen this thing before. It was like an electronic two-wheeler.
Okay. And I lived in this old building, two-floor walk-up.
He shows up like Saturday morning, everybody's asleep.
And every step, he'd press a button and it would lift the safe up.
And then he, I don't know, and then the wheels would go up to the next thing.
And it was the loudest fucking noise ever.
Every step, we'd go like,
He did two flights of stairs.
And everybody's opening their apartments, looking out, seeing a safe, and then
looking at me and seeing me standing there with my fucking door open like,
Nothing to see here, everybody.
Just buying a safe from my bars of gold.
I fucking was so convinced that my apartment was going to get broken into.
And then what was funny, when I went to move out, I just had friends help me
move out and we didn't have that thing.
So then I just had to leave the safe.
I just left the safe and gave the person the combination.
And that's what happens to all safes.
Like wherever they get delivered to is where they fucking stay.
They're never moved.
They're never moved because they're too fucking heavy.
And you just, you just got to say, fuck it.
You leave them.
Nah, leave it.
Yeah.
Yeah.