Name: Bill Burr - James Harden | Acid Trips | Trying On A Tuxedo
Uploaded: 2017-01-27T16:55:16.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - James Harden | Acid Trips | Trying On A Tuxedo' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-01-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - James Harden | Acid Trips | Trying On A Tuxedo' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-01-27. Transcript available.

Bill Burr - James Harden | Acid Trips | Trying On A Tuxedo

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the thursday afternoon
just before friday
monday morning podcast and i'm just checking in on you just checking in your
little baby
cry in the end my beautiful daughter is home now and uh she's downstairs
sleeping so i'm
trying to knock this out while uh while she's still asleep before she wakes up
in like 18
seconds which has been the thing hasn't been so bad all these parents oh you
want to get home
right i ran into parents tonight i'm going no you know it's not that bad i'm a
little sleepy but you
know i'm hanging in there and then you know what they said oh wait till she
starts walking i just
want to be like are you enjoying any aspect of this that i swear to god their
gloom and like you know
what parents are like it's like reading a dan shaughnessy sports column and it's
just there's
no light at the end of the tunnel even if there is light it's oh but it's gonna
blind your eyes
good lord good lord i i understand why kids run away from home just talking all
these fucking
parents man i just i swear to god i i am i am like i'm loving people that don't
have kids right now
hey and a kid oh good for you good for you that's great man yeah you yeah you're
gonna be a great dad
that's it it's other fucking people i swear to have these parents you know what
they ought to stick them
on the weather channel you know because you know that's how the weather channel
that's how they make
their money like nobody pays attention when it's a beautiful day but oh my god
if there's a storm
coming you know they just start freaking out getting everybody running out to
the grocery store to buy
nine weeks of eggs because it's gonna rain for an afternoon or maybe it's gonna
snow we're gonna get
18 inches holy shit that's almost up to my knees
what am i gonna do you're gonna be fine you're gonna what was the last time a
whole
town got so snowed in that everybody just died of starvation has that ever
happened in the united
states i'm not saying a couple of people haven't died there's always the person
sitting in the car and
the snow comes up and the the the carbon monoxide goes in there'll always be
some old lady sitting
too close to the window and she'll die right because it snowed out or because
she was born
you know three years after the civil war i mean you make the call on that one
jesus christ these goddamn parents they they just they're
fucking scaring the out of you so i i don't know what's going on in the world
um in a good way
um i'm having the best time ever being a dad i've always wanted to be a dad so
i'm enjoying the hell
out of it i don't care if i'm tired and i feel like i'm drunk you know i don't
want to miss a second
of this thing so uh i'm gonna stop talking to the parents goddamn weirdos i
just don't get them it's like
what did you think was going to happen when you had a baby what what did you
think was going to happen
you knew it was a baby you knew it wouldn't understand english
did you read up on it at all you everybody's you know what they sound like they
sound like
they sound like some people who like bought like a swamp land and were promised
that it was a
paradise or something i mean i i don't know i i don't know but um i'm not going
to be that guy if
i meet somebody else who's having a kid even if i have a tough day i'm going to
say hey good for
you that's great man it's going to be a great thing good for you instead of
putting all this
fucking gloom and doom in everybody's head anyways anybody watch the uh the celtics
the last couple
of games man i kind of love the fact that the fucking the celtics and the wizards
have this rivalry now
you know what i mean everybody's talking about the calves and the and the and
the gold state
warriors yeah we got that tier two or tier three i love how the wizards were
all black it's gonna be
a funeral yeah just put your sneakers on pump up your little reeboks whatever
the
you just go on go play basketball we're all dressed in we're dressing all in
black
oh what does that mean you're gonna try tonight the other nights when you just
wear your uniform or
your regular street clothes you're not gonna try i don't understand that i
always loved that way back
in the day when kevin mckale i remember we were playing that playoff series and
we blew this team
out the first game and the other team was in the locker room saying that we
better watch out celtics
better watch out game two because we're coming and kevin mckale goes well yeah
you should be coming
every night this is the nba completely defuse the whole thing oh you're gonna
try well we're trying
every game so you know just to keep it interesting why don't you try um anyways
having said that i
really like the uh the wizards team man um young team they played great i i
just kept what you know
basketball being a game of runs i just kept waiting for them to hit this streak
where they weren't gonna
be shooting well and they just killed it all night my only complaint and i
mentioned this today i did
bill simmons podcast hyping my special that's coming out january 31st wearing
myself out i was
mentioning the only thing i didn't like about the wizards uh the other night
was when um john wall
dunked on kelly olenic and then he flexed afterwards i get it it was a nice
dunk it was an explosive
mood but at the end of the day you went around kelly olenic okay who
essentially is like a parking pylon
that's seven feet tall and wears a little bandana that guy man i swear to god
if he was six
nba loves a seven footer if you have a seven in front of you and for your
height forget it you're
gonna get drafted and you're gonna hang around on some team i swear to god if
that
guy was six foot eleven he'd be directing traffic um anyway i know that's harsh
i don't know about hoop
you know well whatever i just he gets out you know he draws a couple of
offensive fouls i'll give him
that but he's always around the ball but it never ends up in his hands he tries
to jump
then like every 19 games he'll hit like five three pointers and everybody's
like he's gonna turn the
corner um anyways yeah it was a great game marcus smart having the meltdown you
know wanting to be
out there and then immediately apologized on twitter there's a lot of there's a
lot of great you know
celtics are way more fun to watch this year and i haven't been watching you
know the bruins as much
as i usually do only because it's gonna kill me to watch them fire claude julian
i just don't want to
see that i love that guy um but maybe may i don't know maybe it's time i guess
that's how it works
you know what i mean the whole coaching thing you if you hang around long
enough they're gonna fire you
right players go for the money and i don't know what it is but uh you know we
beat the red wings
that was a good one and we got the penguins coming up maybe we'll see we'll see
what happens but um
we're still there we're still into the eighth seat oh what happened to the team
man i've been
doing that the whole game but anyways i watched a little bit uh the whole year
i've been whining
about the fucking bruins i'm gonna stop um who knows maybe uh we bottomed out
we're on our way to uh
the seventh seed who knows but i was watching the uh the uh celtics first the
rockets tonight
and uh you know i just got it on the nba package it just records and what sucks
is i wish is anybody
know how to set it so i always get the boston feed because i love listening to
tommy heinzen you know
he knows the game he's a hall of famer and he's a total homer and and he announces
the game like
he's still sitting on the bench or he's still coaching the team it's it's great
so tonight i got
the uh the um the houston feed and uh you know so they're obviously pro houston
which i don't have a
problem considering tommy heinzen is so pro boston and what was great was
tonight james harden
gets fouled spins around in the air and just smacks uh jonas jurebko right in
the mouth
draws blood and everything and tommy heinzen's flipping out i was able to see
that bill simmons
retweeted this thing so tommy heinzen's flipping out blah blah blah going you
christ you could have called that
from half court you know all this saying it was a total dirty play and the refs
are reviewing it
and the houston guys are just going like oh that's just uh was unfortunate uh
he was finishing he was
just trying to get his balance he was uh he was following through it's an
unfortunate you see he
immediately apologizes this is why i think the refs got it right that they
called it a flagrant foul
aside from the fact that that guy was crying the whole game
you know like a young sydney crosby or tom brady at his worst you know when he's
in a bad mood and
anybody brushes against him he turns around looks at the ref like he touched my
uniform um i can't
even say that as a pats fan you know um what's his face james harden was acting
like that the whole
fucking game the whole fucking game he's just bitching at the refs every
fucking time anybody
comes near him he wants a call right i mean maybe i don't know about who maybe
he just was having a
bad night maybe the chick he usually bangs in boston when he comes to town
found true
love it was on the rag i don't know what it was but he that guy was definitely
in a mood
and this is this is why i think it was a flagrant foul because when he smacked
him in the face
he immediately apologized but not to yonas he looked at the ref and went oh
like he was trying
not to get the foul if you really if you smack somebody in the face
accidentally what would you
apologize to some other guy that you didn't hit don't you apologize oh i'm
sorry try that and bar
something like you know get yourself one of those little girly drinks and spin
yourself around the
floor and backhand someone across the face causing them to draw blood and then
just pick some other
guy standing oh that was an accident yeah figure that one out i don't know i
love that he got the
flavor and foul and the celtics ended a three game losing streak but uh i'm
really enjoying the uh the
nba i never i fucking i left it for so goddamn long but uh hockey will always
always be my first love
i'm just kind of uh i don't know i'm waiting i got a bad feeling oh i got a bad
feeling there
that the hammer's about ready to fall there um so anyways i've been whoring
myself out uh like a
lunatic that's why i'm taping the uh thursday afternoon just before friday monday
podcast on a
wednesday night because um i gotta do some more stuff tomorrow i'm doing the
cowherd show tomorrow i did
rich eisen's show today had a great time on that did jimmy kimmel the other
night had a great time and uh
you know what i've noticed because both kimmel and uh eisen obviously uh big
sports fans and i've
noticed that like with boston sports we've had so much success that they can't
even trash the teams
anymore so now they just sort of go after you as a fan like when i was on kimmel
he was going like so
like you have like a man crush or something on top he kind of came at me with
that angle
and when i was on eisen's show he's going like why are boston's fans still so
mad like they've
completely left the field of play and now they're like hey you sitting in uh
the mezzanine level well
how come you got one of your socks pulled up and the other one isn't
i don't even know what that you know it's just one of those it's just it is
what it is that's how
many championships they've won they you know they got nothing to say i'm not trashing
one of those
guys because i like them but i did notice that as sports fans that's that's
kind of the way that
they uh that they come at you but um i gotta give a big thanks to both of them
for having me on their
shows and us and uh everybody at the jimmy kimmel show they put together this
little um gift package
for my daughter little jimmy kimmel uh the cutest thing ever for a toddler a
little coat and a bunch
of children's books so i can't wait to read them to my daughter when u