Name: Bill Burr - Have You Ever Been To A Super Bowl?
Uploaded: 2017-01-31T15:14:25.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Have You Ever Been To A Super Bowl?' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-01-31. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Have You Ever Been To A Super Bowl?' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-01-31. Transcript available.

Oh, Super Bowl celebrations.
Dear Billy Bloodhound.
Oh, did I ever tell you guys how much I love a bloodhound?
Oh, the amount of dogs that I fucking love, but I love that dog.
You know?
They just got that chilling out vibe.
You gotta love a hound.
Because all you have to do is go, and they do it with you.
That's it.
That's all I need.
That's all I was looking for.
This is Valentine's Day, okay?
Ladies, if you really love your husband or your boyfriend, right?
Just get him a bloodhound.
You know?
And then you can be as crazy as you want to fucking be.
And all he has to do is just every once in a while be hanging out with his dog
when you're not around.
You know?
He just looks over him.
Hey, buddy.
Buddy.
Oh.
And it does it with him.
It just makes you feel good.
Maybe it's just me.
I don't know.
I heard you mentioned bloodhounds last week.
I know you're not looking to get a dog anytime soon.
But when you do, definitely consider a bloodhound.
They're unbelievable with real young kids.
I've had two with both my kids.
Anyways, my question is, if you ever have been to a Super Bowl, they're great
with kids.
That's good to know.
By the way, I keep getting updates with Cleo.
She's doing great.
She's loving her new family and everything's awesome with her.
And I might do a show at some point in the vicinity of the new people that have
the dog just to visit and say hello.
I don't know if I should do that or not.
I don't know if it'll fuck the dog up or if it'll just make me sad all over
again.
I don't know what.
But I still, you know what the fuck.
I just look at it like that's one of my kids and she's gone off to college and
every once in a while I check in.
How about that?
Anyways, my question is, have you ever been to a Super Bowl or hung around for
the week before seeing what all the action is like?
My friend asked me if I wanted to go this year, but I'd rather watch it at home.
I like to watch sports alone.
Loved you on Cowherd.
Go Pats.
All right.
Here's the deal.
I have been to two Super Bowls.
I went to the Patriots when we played the Green Bay Packers.
Remember that?
And Brett Favre fucking threw that touchdown pass and then took his helmet off
and ran like half the fucking football field.
Because his agent told him to do that and give us a big astronaut smile when
you do it.
Right.
That was cool just to be like the first time you go to a Super Bowl, if you're
ever lucky enough to go to one, there is that thing that you can't believe you're
at the thing that basically most of the United States is watching that you're
there.
And I remember going down there.
It was.
It was in New Orleans.
And it was just all the Patriots fans were a bunch of drunks.
And then, of course, the Wisconsin fans who are the same level of drunks.
But there's just something about Wisconsin, like the Midwest.
There's a certain level of common decency.
Decency.
I don't know what it is.
I don't know.
They just don't go as hard.
It's weird.
Certain times you see them, though, they're more animals than East Coast people.
But, you know, it's an ugly thing.
You know, East Coast sports fans.
We're lunatics.
So we're all up there screaming and yelling on one of those balconies, fucking
hammered down on Bourbon Street.
Right.
And John Kerry walked by.
And everybody was yelling, John Kerry, John Kerry, what do you think about the
Patriots, blah, blah, blah.
And he just looked up.
And he had this big, phony smile.
This is like an act out.
You're not going to get it.
But, you know, you know that stupid, like, old school, like, you know, let's go
get them.
And you, like, sort of, like, do the, the, you make a fist, right?
And you kind of, you kind of act like you, you know, maybe throwing a baseball
to home plate.
You're like, yeah.
You kind of do one of those.
He did it.
He did it like slow motion.
He made the fist.
He paused.
And he just went.
And they kind of threw it like that really slow.
It was so fucking weird.
He was so detached from his own body.
And I'm convinced now, after I saw Bill Clinton do it, that they just know
people are taking pictures of them.
So, they don't even give a fuck about interacting with you.
It's all about what you look like in the paper.
That was that time I told you, long story, but I ended up, Bill Clinton, when
he was still president,
this is pre-getting impeached and all that shit.
He came down to Boston.
And one of my friends wanted to go down and see the motorcade.
I didn't want to fucking go.
My buddy didn't want to go.
He convinces us to fucking go.
He's going to buy lunch.
So, we go, all right, fuck it, right?
So, we fucking go down there.
He's all excited.
He just wants to see the motorcade go by.
Because he watched so much of that JFK shit.
You know, he just wanted to see a motorcade.
And that's like a big deal to see the presidential motorcade.
I can admit that was pretty exciting to see.
So, they start coming down the street.
And right before they get to us, we're like, finally, here it comes.
He's going to see the motorcade drive by.
And then we can all fucking go home.
He can buy his lunch, right?
Right before they got to us, they made a right turn.
To go into this alley.
Right before they got to us.
Like, you know, probably like 50 yards up.
They're like, oh, you got to be fucking kidding me.
And this dude was so into, like, knowing politics.
He was just going like, oh, don't worry.
He's just going to go in there.
It's a woman's college.
He usually speaks on average from 50 to 65 minutes.
I'll go run and get us some, you know, a couple slices of pizza or whatever.
So, we go, fine.
So, he fucking takes off.
And we're standing there.
And all of a sudden, the Secret Service starts walking down the street telling
everybody.
We're up against those little police, little sawhorse things.
Tell us, get your hands up.
Get your hands up.
And the motorcade starts driving.
And who's walking down the street?
Fucking Bill Clinton with Ted Kennedy and somebody else.
Ted Kennedy was first.
I think I already told this story.
Dude, his fucking head, I swear to God, was the size of, like, a fucking safe.
I've never seen a head that big in my life.
Like, I literally went to, like, get both your hands up so the Secret Service
could see your hand.
And they were just sort of high-fiving people as they walked by.
I remember when Bill Clinton comes by.
And everybody's like, oh, Mr. President Bill Clinton.
And he wasn't saying anything.
He just had both his hands up.
He was slowly walking.
And just imagine smiling with your mouth open.
Like, yeah.
Like, you were doing that.
But your face was just frozen.
He was just walking past all of us doing that.
Like, and everybody was yelling to him.
Everybody was saying stuff.
And he did not say anything to anybody.
He just had that, oh, fucking look on his face with both his hands up.
He looked like a fucking crazy person.
But then the next day, the front page of the paper, you see the guy.
And he's on the front page of the paper, like, ah.
And it looked like we were all having a great time.
I thought there was something wrong with him.
Also, I will tell you right now, dude.
The softest fucking hands of any guy ever.
Ever.
He has not done a fucking day's work of manual labor in his life.
Baby soft.
Now that he has a daughter.
Baby soft fucking hands.
That's how he gets the ladies.
That's what it is.
He puts one of those soft baby hands on your shoulders, takes out a cigar, and
it is game, set, match.
So anyways, he fucking does this shit.
Then they jump in the car, and then they fucking leave.
Everybody's freaking out.
And then it's just over.
And people just start to walk away and leave.
Okay.
All of this took less than like 38 seconds.
Okay.
Because the Secret Service was not going to have the president exposed to the
public for that long.
So anyways, he jumps in the car as I leave.
Everybody's like high off of, oh my God, I shook the president's hand.
How big was Ted Kennedy's head?
That takes about a minute for people to be like, what the fuck?
And then people just start walking away.
And then like 15 seconds after that, my buddy comes walking up, the dude who
wanted to see all of it.
And he just sees everybody has left.
I remember he was biting into a slice of pizza, and he kind of stopped his bite.
And he just looks over, and he goes, I missed it, didn't I?
And I just looked at him, and I felt bad.
And I was like, I shook his hand.
And he goes, no, you didn't.
And then my buddy was a total pothead, was galloping around sideways, like in a
circle, just screaming, I shook it twice!
I shook it twice!
Oh, that was such a fucking sad, quiet ride home.
And we would try not to fucking laugh.
We just started laughing after a while.
And he just refused to believe it.
But the details we had, he knew that it was fucking true.
And then the next day in the paper, he saw, because he was saying like, dude,
he wasn't saying anything.
I'll never forget that.
He just was like, oh.
But without, like, that's the noise he should have been making.
But he wasn't making that noise.
He just had his mouth open with his fucking hands up.
And the next day in the paper, though, he looked like a champ.
The man looked like a champ.
All right.
Jesus, that was a long way to go.
What was I talking about?
The first time I went to a Super Bowl.
Yeah, so we went to it.
And Bill Parcells fucked us over that year, because that was his whole fucking
stupid thing.
Like, you want me to cook the dinner?
You got to let me buy the groceries.
Because, what's his face?
Robert Kraft overruled him and said you should take Terry Glenn.
And fucking Bill Parcells' ego couldn't fucking handle that.
Right?
And then he proceeds to tell the team that he's leaving, and then he put his
fucking house up for sale before we even played the goddamn game.
It's one of the most selfish things.
If that's true, that's, you know, that's the rumor of what the fuck happened.
Then you know what kills me?
He fucking goes to coach.
Every place else he goes to coach.
Who does he bring along with him?
Terry Glenn.
Unreal.
Unreal.
But whatever.
Let's plow ahead here.
Oh, and then the second time I went, I went to the Patriots versus the Rams.
And we won that game, obviously.
And I went last second.
And then I was just like, you know what?
Every time the Patriots go, I'm going to go to the Super Bowl.
So, the next time we played, which was either against the Panthers or the
Eagles, I can't remember.
I think the Panthers.
I was going to go.
But the next day, I had like a 6 or 7 a.m. call time to do that Chappelle show.
Sketch World Series at Dice.
That's the first time I met Charlie Murphy and all those guys.
And so, there was no way I could go.
And I was, you know, I was all upset.
Like, oh, man, I'm going to miss the game and blah, blah, blah.
But I got to tell you, that Sunday night when the game was over and the Patriots
won.
You know, and I was sitting on my futon and my fucking poor excuse for a one-bedroom
in New York City.
I remember when the game was over, I watched it with a couple of friends.
And they were leaving.
The game was over.
And I still had like two grand in my pocket.
Because that's basically back then when you were looking at dropping.
Like, you could get tickets to be like $1,500 plus the hotel and all the travel
and everything was going to be another $500.
At the end of the game, when I still had two grand in my pocket, I was just
like, yeah, you know what?
This is better.
I went, I saw him lose.
I know what that feels like.
I went, I saw him win.
I saw him win their first one in the last play.
It's never going to get better than that.
I'll go again someday when I have a kid.
So someday, my daughter, if she wants to go, I'll take her.
But if you've never been, I would definitely go.
It's worth going one time.
But, you know, I was kind of all set back.
This is back when I still just had the regular square TV.
Forget about the flat screen now with the surround sound and all that shit.
I don't know.
Plus, I don't know.
I just like watching the game.
Rather than, you know, I don't like everybody, all that shit talking when your
team loses or if you win, watching your fans talking shit to other people.
It's just like, we didn't have anything to fucking do with it, right?
We either got lucky or we got fucked.
What are you going to do?

Bill Burr - Have You Ever Been To A Super Bowl?

Oh, Super Bowl celebrations.
Dear Billy Bloodhound.
Oh, did I ever tell you guys how much I love a bloodhound?
Oh, the amount of dogs that I fucking love, but I love that dog.
You know?
They just got that chilling out vibe.
You gotta love a hound.
Because all you have to do is go, and they do it with you.
That's it.
That's all I need.
That's all I was looking for.
This is Valentine's Day, okay?
Ladies, if you really love your husband or your boyfriend, right?
Just get him a bloodhound.
You know?
And then you can be as crazy as you want to fucking be.
And all he has to do is just every once in a while be hanging out with his dog
when you're not around.
You know?
He just looks over him.
Hey, buddy.
Buddy.
Oh.
And it does it with him.
It just makes you feel good.
Maybe it's just me.
I don't know.
I heard you mentioned bloodhounds last week.
I know you're not looking to get a dog anytime soon.
But when you do, definitely consider a bloodhound.
They're unbelievable with real young kids.
I've had two with both my kids.
Anyways, my question is, if you ever have been to a Super Bowl, they're great
with kids.
That's good to know.
By the way, I keep getting updates with Cleo.
She's doing great.
She's loving her new family and everything's awesome with her.
And I might do a show at some point in the vicinity of the new people that have
the dog just to visit and say hello.
I don't know if I should do that or not.
I don't know if it'll fuck the dog up or if it'll just make me sad all over
again.
I don't know what.
But I still, you know what the fuck.
I just look at it like that's one of my kids and she's gone off to college and
every once in a while I check in.
How about that?
Anyways, my question is, have you ever been to a Super Bowl or hung around for
the week before seeing what all the action is like?
My friend asked me if I wanted to go this year, but I'd rather watch it at home.
I like to watch sports alone.
Loved you on Cowherd.
Go Pats.
All right.
Here's the deal.
I have been to two Super Bowls.
I went to the Patriots when we played the Green Bay Packers.
Remember that?
And Brett Favre fucking threw that touchdown pass and then took his helmet off
and ran like half the fucking football field.
Because his agent told him to do that and give us a big astronaut smile when
you do it.
Right.
That was cool just to be like the first time you go to a Super Bowl, if you're
ever lucky enough to go to one, there is that thing that you can't believe you're
at the thing that basically most of the United States is watching that you're
there.
And I remember going down there.
It was.
It was in New Orleans.
And it was just all the Patriots fans were a bunch of drunks.
And then, of course, the Wisconsin fans who are the same level of drunks.
But there's just something about Wisconsin, like the Midwest.
There's a certain level of common decency.
Decency.
I don't know what it is.
I don't know.
They just don't go as hard.
It's weird.
Certain times you see them, though, they're more animals than East Coast people.
But, you know, it's an ugly thing.
You know, East Coast sports fans.
We're lunatics.
So we're all up there screaming and yelling on one of those balconies, fucking
hammered down on Bourbon Street.
Right.
And John Kerry walked by.
And everybody was yelling, John Kerry, John Kerry, what do you think about the
Patriots, blah, blah, blah.
And he just looked up.
And he had this big, phony smile.
This is like an act out.
You're not going to get it.
But, you know, you know that stupid, like, old school, like, you know, let's go
get them.
And you, like, sort of, like, do the, the, you make a fist, right?
And you kind of, you kind of act like you, you know, maybe throwing a baseball
to home plate.
You're like, yeah.
You kind of do one of those.
He did it.
He did it like slow motion.
He made the fist.
He paused.
And he just went.
And they kind of threw it like that really slow.
It was so fucking weird.
He was so detached from his own body.
And I'm convinced now, after I saw Bill Clinton do it, that they just know
people are taking pictures of them.
So, they don't even give a fuck about interacting with you.
It's all about what you look like in the paper.
That was that time I told you, long story, but I ended up, Bill Clinton, when
he was still president,
this is pre-getting impeached and all that shit.
He came down to Boston.
And one of my friends wanted to go down and see the motorcade.
I didn't want to fucking go.
My buddy didn't want to go.
He convinces us to fucking go.
He's going to buy lunch.
So, we go, all right, fuck it, right?
So, we fucking go down there.
He's all excited.
He just wants to see the motorcade go by.
Because he watched so much of that JFK shit.
You know, he just wanted to see a motorcade.
And that's like a big deal to see the presidential motorcade.
I can admit that was pretty exciting to see.
So, they start coming down the street.
And right before they get to us, we're like, finally, here it comes.
He's going to see the motorcade drive by.
And then we can all fucking go home.
He can buy his lunch, right?
Right before they got to us, they made a right turn.
To go into this alley.
Right before they got to us.
Like, you know, probably like 50 yards up.
They're like, oh, you got to be fucking kidding me.
And this dude was so into, like, knowing politics.
He was just going like, oh, don't worry.
He's just going to go in there.
It's a woman's college.
He usually speaks on average from 50 to 65 minutes.
I'll go run and get us some, you know, a couple slices of pizza or whatever.
So, we go, fine.
So, he fucking takes off.
And we're standing there.
And all of a sudden, the Secret Service starts walking down the street telling
everybody.
We're up against those little police, little sawhorse things.
Tell us, get your hands up.
Get your hands up.
And the motorcade starts driving.
And who's walking down the street?
Fucking Bill Clinton with Ted Kennedy and somebody else.
Ted Kennedy was first.
I think I already told this story.
Dude, his fucking head, I swear to God, was the size of, like, a fucking safe.
I've never seen a head that big in my life.
Like, I literally went to, like, get both your hands up so the Secret Service
could see your hand.
And they were just sort of high-fiving people as they walked by.
I remember when Bill Clinton comes by.
And everybody's like, oh, Mr. President Bill Clinton.
And he wasn't saying anything.
He just had both his hands up.
He was slowly walking.
And just imagine smiling with your mouth open.
Like, yeah.
Like, you were doing that.
But your face was just frozen.
He was just walking past all of us doing that.
Like, and everybody was yelling to him.
Everybody was saying stuff.
And he did not say anything to anybody.
He just had that, oh, fucking look on his face with both his hands up.
He looked like a fucking crazy person.
But then the next day, the front page of the paper, you see the guy.
And he's on the front page of the paper, like, ah.
And it looked like we were all having a great time.
I thought there was something wrong with him.
Also, I will tell you right now, dude.
The softest fucking hands of any guy ever.
Ever.
He has not done a fucking day's work of manual labor in his life.
Baby soft.
Now that he has a daughter.
Baby soft fucking hands.
That's how he gets the ladies.
That's what it is.
He puts one of those soft baby hands on your shoulders, takes out a cigar, and
it is game, set, match.
So anyways, he fucking does this shit.
Then they jump in the car, and then they fucking leave.
Everybody's freaking out.
And then it's just over.
And people just start to walk away and leave.
Okay.
All of this took less than like 38 seconds.
Okay.
Because the Secret Service was not going to have the president exposed to the
public for that long.
So anyways, he jumps in the car as I leave.
Everybody's like high off of, oh my God, I shook the president's hand.
How big was Ted Kennedy's head?
That takes about a minute for people to be like, what the fuck?
And then people just start walking away.
And then like 15 seconds after that, my buddy comes walking up, the dude who
wanted to see all of it.
And he just sees everybody has left.
I remember he was biting into a slice of pizza, and he kind of stopped his bite.
And he just looks over, and he goes, I missed it, didn't I?
And I just looked at him, and I felt bad.
And I was like, I shook his hand.
And he goes, no, you didn't.
And then my buddy was a total pothead, was galloping around sideways, like in a
circle, just screaming, I shook it twice!
I shook it twice!
Oh, that was such a fucking sad, quiet ride home.
And we would try not to fucking laugh.
We just started laughing after a while.
And he just refused to believe it.
But the details we had, he knew that it was fucking true.
And then the next day in the paper, he saw, because he was saying like, dude,
he wasn't saying anything.
I'll never forget that.
He just was like, oh.
But without, like, that's the noise he should have been making.
But he wasn't making that noise.
He just had his mouth open with his fucking hands up.
And the next day in the paper, though, he looked like a champ.
The man looked like a champ.
All right.
Jesus, that was a long way to go.
What was I talking about?
The first time I went to a Super Bowl.
Yeah, so we went to it.
And Bill Parcells fucked us over that year, because that was his whole fucking
stupid thing.
Like, you want me to cook the dinner?
You got to let me buy the groceries.
Because, what's his face?
Robert Kraft overruled him and said you should take Terry Glenn.
And fucking Bill Parcells' ego couldn't fucking handle that.
Right?
And then he proceeds to tell the team that he's leaving, and then he put his
fucking house up for sale before we even played the goddamn game.
It's one of the most selfish things.
If that's true, that's, you know, that's the rumor of what the fuck happened.
Then you know what kills me?
He fucking goes to coach.
Every place else he goes to coach.
Who does he bring along with him?
Terry Glenn.
Unreal.
Unreal.
But whatever.
Let's plow ahead here.
Oh, and then the second time I went, I went to the Patriots versus the Rams.
And we won that game, obviously.
And I went last second.
And then I was just like, you know what?
Every time the Patriots go, I'm going to go to the Super Bowl.
So, the next time we played, which was either against the Panthers or the
Eagles, I can't remember.
I think the Panthers.
I was going to go.
But the next day, I had like a 6 or 7 a.m. call time to do that Chappelle show.
Sketch World Series at Dice.
That's the first time I met Charlie Murphy and all those guys.
And so, there was no way I could go.
And I was, you know, I was all upset.
Like, oh, man, I'm going to miss the game and blah, blah, blah.
But I got to tell you, that Sunday night when the game was over and the Patriots
won.
You know, and I was sitting on my futon and my fucking poor excuse for a one-bedroom
in New York City.
I remember when the game was over, I watched it with a couple of friends.
And they were leaving.
The game was over.
And I still had like two grand in my pocket.
Because that's basically back then when you were looking at dropping.
Like, you could get tickets to be like $1,500 plus the hotel and all the travel
and everything was going to be another $500.
At the end of the game, when I still had two grand in my pocket, I was just
like, yeah, you know what?
This is better.
I went, I saw him lose.
I know what that feels like.
I went, I saw him win.
I saw him win their first one in the last play.
It's never going to get better than that.
I'll go again someday when I have a kid.
So someday, my daughter, if she wants to go, I'll take her.
But if you've never been, I would definitely go.
It's worth going one time.
But, you know, I was kind of all set back.
This is back when I still just had the regular square TV.
Forget about the flat screen now with the surround sound and all that shit.
I don't know.
