Name: Bill Burr - Serial Killers | The Real Law And Order | Super Bowl Hype
Uploaded: 2017-02-03T15:40:10.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Serial Killers | The Real Law And Order | Super Bowl Hype' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-02-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Serial Killers | The Real Law And Order | Super Bowl Hype' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-02-03. Transcript available.

Bill Burr - Serial Killers | The Real Law And Order | Super Bowl Hype

hey what's going on it's bill burn it's time for the thursday afternoon just
before friday
monday morning podcast and i'm just checking in on you just checking in on you
how's your
week going how you surviving how you surviving the first couple of weeks here
of fucking
the new america i wasted 90 minutes last night texting with somebody on some
big stupid
fucking political argument i can't handle it anymore i can't handle people you
know the thing
i really don't like the most about uh i don't know i hate people who say that i'm
an independent
i'm not this party i'm not i'm an independent you know in california evidently
according to the three
minutes of research that i did that if you register you that's like you're
actually registering to the
american independent party which is actually more conservative than republicans
evidently
which is something i don't understand about politics i just don't understand
why
no means yes yes means no why if there's a bill let's have safe drinking water
for children all
yes and then like attached to that is other shit like hey they can indefinitely
detain american citizens
without a trial they'll tack that onto that so then when somebody else votes
against it clean water for
kids because of that that's tacked onto it then when they go to run they go
this guy doesn't want clean
water for kids i can't i fucking i fucking give up i give up i poke my head out
for a second and
i'm i'm and that's it i'm putting my head back in the sand i'm going back to
watching sports oh billy
fuckhead is going right back where he belongs you know celtics finally beat the
raptors huge win
and god damn it those capitals of washington are god damn it they're good they
beat the bruins you
know marshall with another two goals racking it up uh we actually bruins won
three in a row it's good
it's like the strongest part of our season so far and um anyway so i've been uh
getting back out there
doing stand-up now that i've settled in being a dad and all that type of stuff
this is really like the
pre-season of being a dad you know when your kid can't move really without you
it's once they start
crawling that's like game that's the first game of the season but like early on
right now i'm like
in august trying to get the roster down to the fucking whatever it is 44 man
roster whatever the
hell i need because um i guess you can think this parenting thing is pretty
easy during the first three
months you know even though you're not really fucking sleeping or anything just
getting up and
changing diapers but it's still not as bad as all these pussies say they're
such fucking pussies
dude you have no idea shut the up we used to live in caves you asshole you have
no idea
you can't handle the truth you know i never saw that movie a few good men
it just seemed too actory to me everybody with their real tense faces you know
delivering dialogue
in their military dress did i ever tell you how much i can't stand movies about
trials
i was actually in one i just realized that but that one was different because i
was in it
i just can't watch him after a while ladies and gentlemen the jury i'm asking
you put yourself in
the place of the defendant um they're always like super super dramatic have you
ever sat in on a real
trial have you ever been in one i actually sat in one uh buddy of mine became a
lawyer and i came down
and i watched him try a case and it's it's not like obviously the way they do
it on tv or in movies
but what was unbelievably compelling was somebody's freedom was on the fucking
line and that was what
was riveting not what the fuck people were saying what they were saying was
very like
you know i'd like to submit uh exhibit a into the uh and um i actually watched
uh somebody i don't know
they got pulled over and there was drugs in the car and there was some sort of
gun involved and
shit and i was just sitting there i just couldn't get over the fact looking at
the defendant going
like this that's not an actor that's like a real fucking person that's if he
did it that
fucking guy's a lunatic he's driving around drugs he's got a gun in the car
what the fuck is he
this guy's a real life maniac or what if he's fucking innocent it was all of
that
shit and i was sort of looking around there was like nobody really there and i
looked over in the
corner there was this old lady sitting there like knitting sort of looking up
listening and she was
like knitting i know what the she was knitting you know old lady she's just
knitting so at the end i
talked to my buddy and i was just like wow man that was like is i kind of feel
guilty but that was
like really entertaining he goes yeah you know it's it's real i said you know i
wouldn't be surprised
if like do you have like um court groupies do people just come down and sit in
on these trials just
for the entertainment value of it he goes yeah that's what that old lady was
doing a lot of old
people do it you know during the day you know they they don't have air
conditioning or something they
come in they sit down and they just listen to the trials it's free you can go
down and do it
and um there was something uh i don't know because it's old they're old people
you can't get too upset
about but there was something kind of gross about it i mean i came down to
watch my buddy i was proud of
him and everything but then after a while how interesting it was and how much i
got into it i
actually had this level of guilt of like you know this this shouldn't be like
uh i shouldn't use this
for entertainment purposes but i gotta tell you it was a great time sitting in
on a trial
if it's a good one you know there's drugs there's a gun i mean i don't want to
see anybody get hurt but
where they pull you over he took a swing at the cop that's a good that's a good
one that's a good episode
to go down you know so there you go that's real law and order as opposed to boo
boo boo boo boo
right watching that you can actually go down the street for free
you could be a cable you don't you don't even need cable if you have the if you
have the time we got
the beer if you got the time you can just go down to court and that can be your
basic cable
hey did you see loss this week no no i didn't but uh you know did you see that
guy who uh
went to jail for 10 years for uh vehicular homicide or whatever the you go to
jail for
what do you go to jail for um anyway so i've just been up to my neck and all
the baby uh
issues have probably changed like nine million diapers it was hilarious i found
yesterday right
my wife nia just needed she just needed an hour's sleep right and women in the
beginning they're
fucking doing everything all you have to do is change the diapers make an
attempt to burp them
or whatever but they gotta just keep feeding the kid breastfeeding right
so you start to feel like you know guilty like i'm not doing so i was just
determined like i'm
gonna have this kid for like the next hour give her a great hour of sleep and i
was able to
hour and 15 minutes before the kid was finally just like look i i need
something i need what you don't
have all right i need to go downstairs i need a solo cup i need to you know
i need a little uh keg party here right so i was just walking around with her
and i was singing all
these songs and everything and then i actually for whatever reason i started
singing the canadian
national anthem and it worked and i always forget i was oh canada home and
native land this part of a true
country and the best part of a god keep the land glorious and free right
walking around
from room to room upstairs i sang the canadian national anthem for like a half
hour straight
and you're so focused on keeping your kid sleeping that the insanity of that it
doesn't hit you till
afterwards when you give your baby back to your wife and then you go upstairs
to make a sandwich
and you're still singing the song and you can't stop doing it you know what was
the name of that movie
with that guy um that guy uh midnight express the guy traveling abroad gets
busted with the drugs
remember those fucking lunatics that were all in the prison and they were just
sort of marching in the same
direction and he started walking in the other direction and like freaked him
out but they were just like these
fucking the people just completely lost their sanity that's what it felt like
you know i mean not just sing a national anthem for a half hour straight is a
fucking insane thing to do
forget about if it's not even your country's national anthem i mean i literally
felt like a traitor even
though that they're an ally of ours and i just feel like you know maybe donald
trump's gonna call me
today and give me a heated fucking conversation about what i just did maybe i'm
gonna get deported
um anyway i'm not gonna get into that shit fucking 90 minutes of my fucking
like like you it's so it's so
dumb and i know it's dumb like i'm literally gonna make this person admit or
agree with me or anything
or i'm gonna step his way and agree it's just it's pointless um it actually
affected my set last night
just spending 90 minutes in that fucking never-ending circle of horse shit and
uh
i gotta stop doing that i almost needed to come home and meditate again i'm
really getting into that
shit just clearing my head not flipping out i think i flipped did i flip out
yesterday
what fucking pissed me off yesterday i can't even remember but i'm getting i'm
getting way better at it
you know but anyways um i want to thank uh conan o'brien jimmy kimmel uh bill
simmons uh everybody
that joe rogan podcast joe rogan experience everybody that helped me promote my
special my
special is out right now it's doing great people are really enjoying it thank
you so much for watching
it please uh let other people know about it i am now um vigorously trying to
write my new hour um
and have some sort of life outside of being a dad uh because i don't want to
bore you guys with an
hour-long fucking thing about that so i'm a dad i'll tell you you know i'm
wearing the same clothes
fucking four days in a row i'm not gonna do that to you all right um i already
got some good i already
got some that is good and that i'm gonna be bringing towards you so uh i guess
obama before he left
he signed uh a christmas bill making alternative media illegal
this bill will criminalize criminalize fake news propaganda on the web a key
piece of legislation
meant to crack down on free speech and independent media in layman's terms the
act will allow the
government to crack down with impunity against any media outlet it deems is
propaganda uh the next piece
of legislation will provide substantial amounts of money to fund counter
propaganda to make sure the
government's approved stories drown out alternative media and journalists who
question the status quo
there you go isn't that great there's your hope everybody
oh what a cunt that's why i don't like democrats they're at least republicans
you know they they
they come out as cunts you know they're a cunt you know they don't care about
you
these fucking assholes have the nerfed well i guess the republicans sell it to
the
fucking dopes in the middle of nowhere we're gonna make it great again he's
gonna make it great again
all these people that think it's gonna be great again you're still gonna have
your face pressed
up against the walmart window the day after thanksgiving you know the fact that
you as an american
have to consider that option as hard as hard as you work is is ridiculous there's
nothing that's that
is the thing that nothing makes me more sad well i guess something else does
but i can't think of it
right now but that is a very sad moment every year in america when you see
people putting their
literally their own well-being at risk trying to find a dvr recorder
for three dollars before the next person is just it's just a sad thing it
shouldn't be done
people should have enough money to go into a store like a human being
and buy something that they don't need shouldn't 