Name: Bill Burr - Coaching Your Kid's Team
Uploaded: 2017-02-06T11:51:31.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Coaching Your Kid's Team' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-02-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Coaching Your Kid's Team' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-02-06. Transcript available.

All right, coaching daughters, sports teams, coaching, well, it's supposed to
be an apostrophe
there. Coaching daughters, sports team. All right, congrats on not pulling out.
Ha ha. No, thank you.
I was wondering if you will coach any of your daughter's sports teams when she
gets older.
What sports would you like to see her grow up to play? Congratulations to you,
Ania,
and thank you for another great special. Oh, you're welcome. I'm glad you
enjoyed it.
Would I do that? I don't know. I don't want to insert myself into my daughter's
life like that.
I'd like her to have to learn how to deal with another adult, especially if she
doesn't like him
and learn how to fucking, you know, deal with a coach that's a little hard-nosed
or whatever,
you know? I mean, I'm not going to be one of those people that, you know, play
my fucking kid. If my
kid stinks, I'm not going to fucking make him play my kid, right? I'm not going
to be, I just, all of
that shit, I don't understand any of that. And if your coach is fucking hard-nosed
and your kid comes
home crying about it, it's a little toughen the fuck up. Learn how to deal with
you. Think this is
the first asshole you're ever going to fucking run into in life. It's not, you
know? You know what?
Work twice as hard. Make that fucking guy regret that he ever yelled at you or
that woman. That's
what you do. You just, you just go fucking harder. That's what you do. What you
don't do is fucking
mope around about it and, and try less. All right. If your motivation, even if
your motivation is fuck
this guy, you know, you're going to play better, but you got to use that
negative shit and turn it
into a positive. And, um, I'm a big believer in, uh, playing organized sports
and organized sports has
gotten a, a brutal reputation over the years. Some of it is, uh, justified. A
lot of it wasn't
a lot of it was a bunch of uncoordinated people who did not have a good fucking
experience and then
married someone else who was also uncoordinated and then watched their toddler
growing up, bumping
into shit and was like, Oh my God, they're going to suck at sports too. And
they're going to have the
same pain that I did or I had. Right. And then rather than steering them away
from sports and
going, Hey, maybe you're a writer or maybe you're into science. These fucking
uncoordinated cunts
had to stick them in sports. And then they had to dumb the whole thing down
where everybody gets a
ribbon. I had a buddy of mine recently said, Oh, is it somebody doing a joke? I
can't say it if it was a
joke. Who the fuck told me this story was, was no, it was somebody's bit. I can't
do it. Ah, fuck.
It had to do basically with playing, uh, little kids playing softball. And when
they first played,
they played without the ball and they pretended that they hit the fucking thing.
So nobody would have the pressure of making an error and they could be like,
nice catch way to go. And all
of that shit. It's fucking insane. Um, no, I'm not going to do that. And
fortunately, my wife is on the
same page. And, uh, I told you that shit. Somebody sent us some, uh, Boston,
you know, sports shirts.
And they were, they would, you know, with the logos of the teams and they were
in pink and my wife was
just going like, yeah, she's not wearing those. I'm like, what? Cause you hate
sports. And she goes,
no, cause they're pink. She goes, if she's going to wear the team stuff, she's,
she's wearing the team
colors. I think I already told you this guys. I was like, do you have any
fucking idea how much real
sports fans would appreciate what you just said? You don't even like sports.
You have no fucking idea.
You just, you just like, you stepped in shit there. That's like the, uh, that's
exactly it. Um,
anyway, I don't have no fucking idea. So will I coach? Um, no, I wouldn't do
that. You know what?
If I was ever to coach, I would be, uh, I think I would be an assistant coach.
I'd be the rah-rah guy.
If they were little and shit, this, I couldn't fucking sit there yelling at
kids. Um, and also,
I don't think I know enough about the fucking game. I've watched a bunch of
sports, but to actually
coach a team and teach somebody how to get better. I mean, I think I'd be, I'll
be a good dad. If she
wants to be, go in the backyard, learn how to hit a ball or shoot some baskets.
I think I'm good at
that, but like, you know, that's a hell of a responsibility. And I'm a, I have
a very volatile
personality and I just, I don't want to be the Earl Weaver or fucking eight
year olds out there
screaming and yelling, but we'll see, we'll see how the meditating and possibly
going to therapy works out. But,
um, I'm more excited just to see what she gravitates to. I'm going to expose
her to as much music and
different shit as I possibly can. And then just sort of stand back, see what
she goes after and then just
encourage her. And if it's like a fae, if it's a phase, it's a phase. And then
she moves on to
something else. But my parents were really cool about kind of letting us do, um,
you know, whatever
the fuck we wanted to do, uh, as far as trying shit in life. Like my parents
never gave me shit
about being a standup comedian. And, um, that's pretty, uh, when I, you know,
the amount of comics
that I've run into where to this day, like they're super successful and their
parents still don't even
respect what they do thinking that they're just up there fucking around. Um, he's
pretty amazing.
So I got really lucky in that department. So that's one of the good things that
I'm keeping from my,
uh, my upbringing. So long story short, um,
no, but I will go to every fucking game. I'll go to every game and I'm not
going to argue with other
parents. And, uh, if the, if the fucking referee stinks and is screwing my team,
I'm just going to
sit there and just, you know, I'm, I'm just not going to be that fucking guy. I'm
going to make jokes
and I'll be laughing. But, uh, you know what the big thing is, is when I go to
her games, I'm going to
be sober. So that's going to really tone down. It's when I go to games and I've
had a few, I can't
resist. There's a crowd. There's jokes to be made even way back in the day when
I was fucking, you know,
way more introverted. I had a couple of beers and I would be in Sullivan
stadium and I would yell out
shit and people in my section would laugh and I would just build my confidence
and suck some games.
I would yell out the first thing that would bomb. And then I wouldn't say
anything again until the
third quarter. And then I'd throw it out, but only have like, you know, 50%
confidence. So it only did
okay. And, and it'd be like my, literally my bad set back then, like bombing
was, I went to a game
and I yelled out some shit and, uh, nobody laughed, but I don't know. It's not
the way it used
to be because everybody's so concerned about kids and, and, and political
correctness and
fucking public drunkenness and shit. But back in the day, like what was going
on in the field was,
was about half as entertaining as what was going on in the stands. It was just,
and it was all just
sophomoric, stupid. I remember sitting, we had like, and not end zone seats. We
were sitting right at the
corner. Um, you know, like past the goal line, we basically sitting like facing
the end zone.
And then there was the end zone seats and they used to have this beer
commercial,
uh, light beer from Miller. And they used to have the big fights, less feeling
tastes great.
Less feeling tastes like they were having a fight, you know, over, over if it
didn't fill you up as
much or if it tasted better. So that became like this stupid thing that people
did. You'd be at a,
someone figured it out one time, stood up and yelled at the other section, said
less feeling.
And someone else stood up and screamed, taste great. And then we'd all be
yelling like,
uh, we're doing the commercial. This is before YouTube. So this was actually
fun.
So there'd be one session, go less feeling. And then we go, taste great. Less
feeling. Tastes great.
And then of course, because it was a bunch of drunks, drunk males, it
immediately went sophomoric. And it
eventually became, you ate shit, you ate shit. And we would do that 20 times a
game. And it would be
just as funny the 20th time as it was the first time. Cause we were all a bunch
of immature idiots.
I missed those days. You know, I really missed that. That was a lot of fun back
then. Now it's just so,
you know, the ball's in play. Don't go to your seat. There's some old lady with
a construction
hat on telling you to stop. I don't know. I'm just a curmudgeon. What are you
going to do?