Name: Bill Burr - Waiting On A Car For Writers Guild Awards
Uploaded: 2017-02-14T01:02:37.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Waiting On A Car For Writers Guild Awards' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-02-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Waiting On A Car For Writers Guild Awards' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-02-14. Transcript available.

you know what you know what the fuck i did today you know what my dumb ass did
today
inside getting on the elliptical which was a good thing all right i took my
life insurance
fucking test this guy had a problem hitting my vein he goes you're gonna bruise
a little bit
you should see me i look like uh i don't look like i've been doing smack i just
look like
somebody just pinched my fucking inside of my elbow really fucking hard um
anyway so i did all
that what a shit show that was fucking guy sitting there going do you drink at
all right and like
wait he's got his back to my bar which i told you is murderer's row the bottles
i have there i told
you right now i put it up against the 27 yankees the 96 bulls let's go some
underrated teams the 83 76ers
somehow lost in history about how fucking great they were right the 86 celtics
the 85 lakers
the fucking 2016 new england patriots
um the 98 yankees that was a great team for the fucking free agent they're
waiting i mean speaking
of which now the red sox are doing that this year it's a good year to get the
package no matter what
you're gonna be entertained you either get to watch like a fucking 900 million
dollar team shit the bed
or just you know there is no santa claus we're buying it one or the other
either way it's going to be
dramatic um so anyways i got a such a funny question how many drinks do you i
don't fucking know
do i have a pocket protector i don't count them
i like you know they always think you know what's funny they fucking say having
a glass of wine
with your meal is actually good for you you know what i mean so i mean i i don't
i don't understand
that do you smoke yeah yeah a little bit
it's fucking lying your ass off
um oh jesus i would can you imagine if you can imagine anybody even the fucking
people who work
there if you answered any of those questions fucking honestly you know what i
mean
all right uh bruins and i probably shouldn't be talking about this who gives a
shit there's a
comedy podcast these are all jokes everybody um this is what i did today my
fucking dumb ass did today
so you know i'm gonna be the person uh presenter at the writer's guild no the
the yeah the writer's
guild awards thing right and uh so they say it's a black tie thing and i'm like
god fuck i gotta get
a fucking tuxedo so i call up by the time i call up it's too late to get one so
nia googles some
pictures and everybody seems like relaxed like they're just wearing suits with
the black tie so
i say fuck it i'll wear one of my suits so i pull out a suit i get the shirt we
do the whole
fucking thing i got it to go and all that so today i'm dressing up you know i'm
hanging with
my daughter i'm putting my time in you know because i'm gonna be gone for three
four hours
and uh nia's gonna be handling it by herself and i'm gonna go out and go do
this this
fucking hollywood thing right and uh and i'm sitting there and i know you know
the red carpet
and everything's between three or four and i'm like i can't i don't know when
the fuck the car's
coming to pick me up i'm all dressed up ready to go you know two o'clock 205
210 215 i'm texting
people hey when's this car coming to get me 225 i walk outside i'm looking
around i don't see anybody
i'm just sitting there and it finally dawns on me i'm like wait a minute and i
just looked up the
date of the fucking award show it's next sunday
isn't that hilarious you know the funny thing about is is nia got mad at me
why don't you write things down don't give a
it's not i didn't miss it i just was a little early and now i know you know
i know that you know i know what i'm gonna wear now i'm actually way ahead of
the game because i
because i up what do you want from me um anyway speaking of uh this is
something i gotta let you
guys know about um the uh the patrice o'neill comedy benefit the fifth annual
patrice o'neill comedy
benefit uh we're actually going to be releasing some um some tickets some uh
high quality tickets i guess
you say some really good seats and we're going to be doing that uh monday today
if you're listening to
it on monday um jesus christ with the open under the door there because it's
ridiculous that's why
what is ridiculous how am i trashing you because you were saying like i got mad
at you because you
come in come in come in come in come in don't yell don't yell you got the kid
there
what it's absolutely absurd for you to not know when things are anymore it's
like you're a grown ass
man and you got all dressed to go to why is it always grown ass why can't you
say you're a grown-up
i can say whatever i want to say and i'm choosing to say that you're a grown-ass
man who can't seem
to write anything is that because you're a strong woman to the point where you're
gonna get all
dressed up and be like oh what am i gonna wear there's none the other and then
you come downstairs
five minutes later like well it's next week like what's wrong with you you need
to get it together it's not cute
yeah that's like the first thing i've screwed up like that in a long time i
have a bunch of events
in my phone right in the calendar section it's forgetting when things are you're
always getting
the dates wrong and it's frustrating it's just annoying all right but how am i
doing as a dad
what does that have to do with anything you're doing amazingly as it all right
well stop acting like
i'm in some shooting heroin in an alley i'm not acting like i'm shooting heroin
in an alley but you
just need i just don't understand why you can't ever get your schedule straight
you're always getting the
dates wrong like oh it's tomorrow not today it's next week not this week like i
don't i don't get it
yeah i'm busy and i don't have an assistant you well you should get an
assistant i don't want another
person to talk to i've been telling you to get an assistant for like three
years now because of this
very reason yeah you want to hear all the i did this week that i made totally
got there on time no
you don't okay you know why because that would prove my point if i was a
baseball what is your
what is your point exactly 99 of i get there on time 99 that's 98
no and you did get mad at me i'm not i did well then what's the problem why do
you have to
dramatically open our squeaky pocket door to come in here and insert yourself
on the podcast i don't know
all right are you done are you kicking me out now are you almost done no i've
just started oh you just
started well people send me oh no i'm 17 minutes in oh jesus well i came up
here to watch the grammys but
i can't turn the tv on now right it'll watch the grammys okay i'm going to is
there going to be
a bunch of people like writing new verses about how trump's the most evil thing
ever there's some
chick that showed up on the red carpet wearing a sparkly dress that said make
america great again
and then trump on the back of it i don't know who she is but everyone's already
like what oh my god
she's like just for somebody to show up at a hollywood event like that in a
dress that says like you
know that's pro trump is pretty pretty paint by numbers shock i guess so i don't
know do you think
she'll get some free press out of that i think she will was she wearing madonna's
beret no she was not
i'm going to a protest what should i wear uh no she's wearing a pro trump a pro
trump dress is what
i'm saying i know i know because that other is played out acting like the sky
is falling
so now they're going to go the other direction yeah i know but i feel like that's
not going to be like
good press for her you know what i mean hey toots any any press is good press
that's how this dirty
town works yeah i guess so okay or you could just put out a good album right
and not rely on your
stupid clothes yeah if you put out a good album you can keep your clothes on
you don't have to say
who you voted for you can just go up there and uh accept your shiny thing that's
true all right i'm
gonna take the baby okay okay bye bye um anyways hi everybody on the podcast
all right close if you pull
the door lower it doesn't squeak as much see there you go see that no no you
almost did it