Name: Bill Burr - Getting Port-Holed | Bill Clinton's First Trimester | Future Ric Flair Fan?
Uploaded: 2017-02-17T15:39:44.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Getting Port-Holed | Bill Clinton's First Trimester | Future Ric Flair Fan?' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-02-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Getting Port-Holed | Bill Clinton's First Trimester | Future Ric Flair Fan?' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-02-17. Transcript available.

hey what's going on it's bill burn it's time for the thursday afternoon just
before friday
monday morning podcast and i'm just checking in on you i'm just checking in on
you this isn't even
a podcast this is just me poking my head into your cubicle your office door
your fucking cardboard
box wherever you're living wherever you're working whatever you're doing are
you making
america great again we're gonna make it great again remember when it was great
that's gonna happen
again making america great again um what's going on how are you i'm in a uh
good mood my my my lovely
daughter has entered a new phase of just non-stop crying and um i think she's
gonna be a rick flair
fan because the only thing i could do to get her to stop was you know those
exercise balls
that uh the ladies use them you know because they're always trying to work
their glutes and
their fucking thighs because that's where they put the weight on you know guys
are always over there
doing sit-ups doing that shit right doing shit from rocky hanging upside down
oh maybe if i hang upside down and
fucking do a sit-up you know that'll offset the fucking nine slices of pizza i'm
gonna have tonight
the pizza wins okay you don't need to hang upside down you don't even need to
do fucking you don't
really even need to do sit-ups what you need to do is you need to get some
salads in your life
you got to start looking at bad food like it's some fucking chick that you know
is great in the rack
right but it's just you can't bring it home to your parents she's a fucking lunatic
that's that's
what bad food is and the food version of great in the rack is salt sugar high
that's all it is right
just sends you shit through the roof you're like yeah you know and you just
keep grabbing one
fucking handful after another there's something in the back of your in the back
of your head is just
screaming no like when you're dating a psycho
why am i gonna go out to a farmer's market with this fucking lunatic
why am i pretending that there's a relationship here
you have a bang of chick and she's got a window right behind her bed and
halfway through banging
are you like what if i just opened this and crawled out
you know i'm sure women have thought that you know what i mean laying on their
backs getting
railed by some sweaty fucking i don't know banker assistant and then he's got a
skylight going what
if i was like spider-man right now i could just some fucking webs and just go
right up and out of here
leave them all confused half excited on the bed that's what they need to have
in the future
everybody they're trying to have better cameras on your cell phones better
recorders
fucking i don't know something else whatever the fuck there always has to be
three examples so you
you fill in your last one this podcast will be interactive
why don't they come up with something that when you're with somebody right you
can just you just
hit a fucking eject button like every house has like a fucking like even if you're
on the bottom
floor you just gotta stand in the right place and remember that those old
school offices where they
would like send messages around through that little fucking vacuum thing you
know you put the thing in
the tube just it just disappear and go into somebody else's office sort of the
original fucking emails
they should have that for people you know and yeah i'm telling you i didn't
like the way you talk to my
sister and just remember we have that dance recital on saturday and you just uh
huh you just walk over to
the fucking porthole and you just gone honey honey honey stop it you're scaring
me
honey are you still there she walks over and you're just fucking gone
then it'd be the new thing instead of getting dumped you got porthold
what's wrong with maggie oh she got porthold right in the middle i think she
was nagging
him you know how maggie is she's very very particular and she she i i know i
love her too
i love her too but she can be hard she can be she's a lot she she is and then
that's when the other
girlfriends go she is a lot she's definitely a lot you know and then they
fucking clink their little
glass of rose whatever it is women do in the afternoon ladies what do you do in
the afternoon
what is that little wine break you take you know like your iris hemingway
you know that's what i want to say uh i gotta i'm gonna say something like that
at that writer's
thing on sunday just talking about how much i booze now because i sit in a
writer's room
um anyway so the only thing that keeps my my daughter quiet during this phase
that she's going
through which is awesome even though she's crying her brains out now she's like
she's like looking at
shit you know she's like taking it in and everything it's an amazing thing
right
so we got this exercise ball the thing that the ladies have right or maybe
someone like bill clinton
who puts on weight like a right um remember his big milky thighs the uh is
during his first semester
whatever the they call it his first trimester of being president remember that
when he'd go jogging in those short shorts um all i do anyways uh you sit on
that exercise ball
okay and you bounce up and down and the only thing that keeps it quiet is if i
just if i
when i'm bouncing up and down if i just keep going
you know and as much as it was driving me nuts as much as i was feeling my old
spine compacting every
time we went down um i held out this this glimmer of hope that maybe she's
going to be a rick flair fan
rick flair fan it's not easy to say