Name: Bill Burr - Text Sent To Wrong Person At Work
Uploaded: 2017-03-08T14:21:21.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Text Sent To Wrong Person At Work' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-03-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Text Sent To Wrong Person At Work' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-03-08. Transcript available.

Text sent to the wrong person at work. Oh, Jesus. This is never good.
Dear Billy Graham Cracker Tits, I never thought I'd be in a situation where I
needed to write into you like this.
But here I am in a pinch. For the last couple of years, certain people at my
work have been getting very relaxed with their work ethic and punctuality.
So much so that another co-worker and I have written an album of songs about
its absurdity.
Since our office is, well, maybe you can write a song about the guy who just
wrote in above me.
You know, you guys, you know, then you go on American Idol. I don't know.
Anyway, since ours is an office of about 10 people, everybody's job directly
relates to everyone else's.
And it puts extra strain on the rest of us.
Recently, two of the worst offenders, both ladies, not that it matters, have
actually, but I mentioned it, have actually gotten promotions for some reason.
With that said, this morning, I noticed one of the ladies accomplished a, quote,
task in our project manager to bring food to an office potluck lunch.
Being the snarky asshole I am, I took a screenshot to send to my like-minded co-worker
with the text, quote, think, and then the person's name.
Is going a little overboard here? Somehow she only creates to do, she can get
done.
Can't get shit done for work, but for food, the bitch is all over it.
When I didn't hear back from him after 10 minutes, I felt this first wave of
panic.
I knew it immediately.
The text had been sent to the lady.
Yeah, because what happens is you're thinking about that person and you're
thinking about their name.
Oh my God, we've all done this.
Completely flustered, I sent a flurry of apology texts, but she didn't respond.
All this was happening around 8.30, which is when people are supposed to arrive.
This worker usually shows up around 9.45 or 10, but that's beside the point.
Well, can you unsend the text?
I don't know, does some nerd know how to do that?
Anyways, after I didn't hear from her, I checked the calendar and saw that she
was on vacation for the next 10 days.
Oh no.
But I know she got the text and now I'm worried about what she thinks and
whether it's going to be weird in the office.
What do I do?
She's not a bad person.
You know, and you called her a bitch too.
And I have to work with her regularly.
Before realizing she was out, I already bought flowers and put them on her desk
in order to cover the stench of my own failure.
Nah, dude, you can't.
Because she knows what you really think.
I'm guessing I shouldn't leave them there and let her come back to dead flowers
either.
Congratulations on your baby girl and, of course, your latest special.
Sincerely, I done fucked up.
Where is she on vacation and is there a way to unsend all of those text
messages?
That's what I would try to do over the next 10 days.
I would not apologize anymore.
I would not give flowers and this is what you got to do, dude.
You got to fucking man up.
And when she calls you out on it, be like, yep, I was, I'm not going to tell
you who I was sending it to.
Don't rat out the other person.
On any fucking level, do not rat out the other person.
You piece of shit if you do it.
Do not rat them out.
I would actually say, I was actually sending it to this girl I know who doesn't
work here.
Okay?
Just say that.
And I always bitch to her about people at work.
And when she calls you out, I would just say, listen, you know what?
No sense sugarcoating it.
You're supposed to be here at 8.30.
You show up at 9.45, 10 o'clock.
You're dogging it.
You're setting a bad example.
And I like working hard.
And that text came from the frustration of watching you working, setting the
example of not working up to your potential.
It makes it a bad experience out here.
So that's why I did it.
And if you're mad at me, I understand.
But, you know, I stand by that text message.
I shouldn't have called you a bitch.
I was just saying that the way, you know, Richard Pryor says it.
I was just trying to be funny.
But, you know, you showing up an hour and 15 to an hour and a half late every
day is not good for the morale around the office.
That's where that came from.
So there you go.
And I'm sorry I sent it to you.
But, you know, that's it.
Fuck it.
Fuck it.
That's all.
That's the only card you got to play.
Be like, yeah, I sent it.
Although you did fucking put your hat in your hand and apologize.
Oh, boy.
Can you please write back and let me know how it pans out?
I'd love to know.
You poor bastards.
We've all been there.
And you know what?
Even the lady that you're writing to, I bet she's done it, too.
But she's letting you squirm.
Or she's in Aruba or she's someplace where she didn't get the text message.
And maybe you can undo it.
Maybe you can fucking undo what was already done.
This is this is another fucking movie.
This is a fucking movie.
This is like Weekend at Bernie's meets Steve Jobs fucking one of those things
when we used to walk out and be like, look, now you can swipe text.
And everybody's like, oh, my God.
Right.
That's what you do.
If you get fired, sir, you should write a fucking script.
Write a fucking script about somebody who sent the wrong text message to their
boss.
Send a text message to the wrong person.
That person's on vacation.
OK, and then eventually you're going to have to fly down there, you know, that
you can co-star with the guy with the eyes.
He always did the eyes thing that he got from fucking Al Pacino.
What was what was the name of that actor?
He was in about last Andrew McCarthy.
Right.
You guys, maybe you can fucking executive produce it.
See that.
That's the great thing about entertainment.
No matter how bad you fuck up, it makes the more you fuck up in your personal
life, the more material you get as a comedian.
You get a script out of it.
I don't know.
You don't sound fulfilled.
Maybe maybe you can be a script writer.
All right.
That's it.
Go fuck yourselves, you cunts.
And I'll talk to you on Thursday.