Name: Bill Burr - Kobe 11s & Phoenix Suns vs Boston Celtics
Uploaded: 2017-03-08T20:25:41.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Kobe 11s & Phoenix Suns vs Boston Celtics' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-03-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Kobe 11s & Phoenix Suns vs Boston Celtics' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-03-08. Transcript available.

Bill Burr - Kobe 11s & Phoenix Suns vs Boston Celtics

Ol' Freckles came in last night and I went to the Phoenix Suns were playing my
Boston
Celtics.
So I decide, you know what, I'm going to go to that game, right?
My 117th fucking franchise, professional home team, whatever, professional
sports team
that I've seen a home game of, 117 of these motherfuckers.
I got 10 more to go.
I can't get out of any 10.
Every time I get to 10 and I'm like, oh, one more team, I'll fucking, then I'll
have
nine left.
Then somebody moves.
You know, I got down to 10, I'm like, all right, the next one's going to get me
down to nine.
And then the fucking Rams move back up to 11, right?
So then I go see the Thunder and I'm thinking, all right, look, man, I'm down
to fucking, I'm
down to nine.
And I'm like, wait a minute, wait a minute.
I saw the New Jersey Nets.
I never saw the Brooklyn Nets.
So it's still 10.
So I'm like, all right, next week.
Next week when I go see the Suns, I'll be down to nine teams left, right?
So I'm sitting there watching the Suns and I'm like, Versi, I'm down to single
digits.
The fan slam is going down.
One of the loneliest accomplishments ever.
I guess if you went with a bunch of other people, I got to find the old
pictures of me at these
stadiums.
I swear to God, they're all like disposable camera pictures held by a stranger.
You know, when I was doing all these fucking gigs in the middle of nowhere and
shit, and I'd
pass through the major cities and I would just go to a goddamn game.
Anyways, so last night I'm thinking, all right, I'm going to the Suns Celtics
game.
I'll have nine teams left.
And I'm like, wait a minute.
The fucking Chargers just moved to Los Angeles.
So in a month, I'm working in San Antonio and I'm going to a Spurs game, going
to the fucking
Spurs.
And then I think I'll finally be down to nine.
You know, God forbid if the fucking Raiders don't move to Vegas after that.
But anyways, I went to the Suns game, right?
So I show up immediately.
The club hooked us up with tickets, gave us great tickets.
We're sitting two rows behind the fucking one of the, what do you call it in
basketball?
One of the nets, one of the goals, one of the backboards, right?
Two rows back.
So it's really three rows back because they got all the fucking cameramen, you
know?
But still, it's like great seats.
And I look down on the right and there's this guy just riding the reps in the
first quarter
and he really gives a shit.
So I'm looking at Verzee and I'm just looking over going, look at this fucking
guy.
This guy's out of his mind.
There's a guy who gives a shit.
This is a hardcore season ticket holder, man.
Look how much, you know, I'm laughing.
Like, he's just, like, he knows the refs' names.
He's calling them out and all that shit.
And Verzee starts going, he goes, I bet that's the owner.
I'm like, nah, the owner wouldn't be sitting down.
He wouldn't be yelling like that if he was the owner.
And he's like, well, Mark Cuban rides the refs like that.
I go, get the fuck out of here.
So finally, you know, I go, all right, man, I'm going to look this guy up,
right?
So we look him up and it's the owner.
I got to tell you, Phoenix Suns, dude, you guys got a great fucking owner.
Robert Sarver is his name, man.
We ended up talking to him at the end of the game because I tweeted, I was
making fun of,
what's his face, his shoes, his sneakers, the fucking worst sneakers I've ever
fucking seen.
Kelly Olenek, the big white goof, the seven foot fucking pylon out there, right?
I don't, you know, Celtics love that guy.
He got so many goddamn minutes.
Maybe it's a road trip or whatever.
But dude, he had these fucking sneakers on.
I think Garo, your premium, wore him in that fucking Super Bowl against the Redskins
when he fucked up the field goal.
Dude, they were like, they look like black football cleats from the early 70s.
The ugliest fucking things I've ever seen.
So, of course, I tweet about, that's what I did.
So I tweeted about the thing and I guess the owner's son was watching.
He goes, oh, he's probably sitting right next to you, blah, blah, blah.
That's how I ended up meeting the guy.
But anyways, long story short.
So I tweet about this fucking thing, making fun of the guy's sneakers, thinking
obviously these have to be the worst fucking sneakers.
Without a doubt, even with the Internet, even with Twitter, even with all of
these fucking cunts that are on social media, nobody can argue that these are
the ugliest fucking sneakers ever, right?
They were low top fucking field goal kicker cleats from the fucking early 70s,
right?
And all these sneaker heads are like, you mean the Kobe 11s?
I guess it's a Kobe Bryant sneaker.
And what, because it says Kobe on it, all of a sudden it's the Kobe's?
Dude, do you mean the Shaq 14s?
I fucking hate sneaker heads.
I fucking can't stand them with their 5,000 fucking pairs of sneakers, taking
them out of the box, showing them off on MTV Cribs and licking the sole.
So it's like, you see, I never even wore these joints before.
Yeah, I can tell from your fucking man tits you never wore them before.
They're sneakers.
Why don't you go take a fucking walk in them?
Verzi's a big sneaker head.
I'll tell you, you know what is fucking overrated?
It's so fucking overrated.
Jordans.
You know what I mean?
I'm not saying they're not good looking.
Some of them.
Most of them are fucking ugly as shit.
Dude, the fucking mouth-breathing dopes.
Maybe that's what it is.
The amount of fuck.
Oh, geez, I'm walking around now.
I'm walking.
Dude, the amount of fucking dopes that wear Jordans.
You know what it is about Jordans?
It's, you don't even have to fucking think.
You know what I mean?
All you got to do is get a pair of Jordans.
You know everybody's going to like them.
Oh, are those the sixes?
Are those the Jordan sixes?
Dude, look at these sixes.
I got them with the black, with the gold outline.
Yo, these sneakers are crazy, right?
These sneakers are crazy.
You know, I don't know.
These fucking mouth-breathing morons with their goddamn sweatpants and their
Jordans.
You know?
Ferzie's a big Jordan guy.
He loves Jordans.
He's wearing a pair this week.
They're fucking ugly as shit.
They're all black, and then they got like this white wall tire thing down.
And just because it says Jordans, I'm going to go, Paul goes, dude, check out
these new Jordans.
You like them?
I go, no.
Actually, I don't.
And he can't understand.
He goes, they're Jordans.
Dude, these are Jordan ones.
It's like, dude, I don't give a fuck if they're Jordan.
I'm so sick of the numbers.
Dude, what's your favorite Jordans?
You like the sevens?
Really?
You like the sevens?
Now, you got to make sure that it just says Nike on the back.
If it has him on the back, then those aren't the real ones.
The Kobe 11s?
Like, what do you guys think?
That if you fucking put them on, you're somehow going to be able to dunk?
You're going to score close to 80 points in a fucking NBA game because you're
wearing Kobe's?
The Sedale three sevens?
I don't know.
I don't understand.
And if a fucking sneak is ugly, it's ugly.
I don't give a shit.
I cannot fucking believe.
If you guys, you have to go on and you have to look at a picture of those
fucking sneakers.
They're like referee sneakers from the fucking early 80s.
It's just a black low-top fucking slipper with the Nike swoosh on it.
Dude, you mean the Kobe 11s?
Dude, the Kobe 11s are fucking crazy.
They're crazy.
I'm telling you, you get yourself a fucking track suit and you put on a pair of
those?
Dude, over.
Over.
You go out to the club.
People are like, are those the sixes?
I just don't understand fucking basketball sneakers, okay?
Some of them are good looking.
Some of them aren't.
Just they drive me up the fucking wall.
Paul Verzi is the funniest fucking human being I've ever met in my life.
Like he's one of these guys like, I love him to death, but the shit that he
likes, he likes obvious shit.
He'd be like, dude, you know what I like?
You know what I like?
I like amenities.
It's like, really, dude, you like getting extra shit?
Extra comforting shit?
That's amazing.
You know, I never really thought about that.
I don't know.
I have to think about this.
Do I like amenities?
You know what I like, Paul?
I like a lack thereof.
I like less than.
Like, who would ever say that?
Dude, you know what?
You know what?
Dude, is there anything better than pizza?
Is there anything better than a great slice of pizza?
Dude, you know what I like?
I like a bologna sandwich.
Dude, a bologna sandwich with white American cheese and mustard, dude?
Dude, the mustard puts it over the top.
It's crazy.
It's a joke.
I mean, it's literally a joke.
It just, I don't know.
It's like, does it even need to be said?
Of course, it's a bologna sandwich.
Yeah, it fucking hits the spot.
Old mainstream poly.
Dude, you know what I like?
You know what I like?
I like a golden retriever.
Dude, you know what's crazy?
A white picket fence.
Sorry.
I got to get him back on this podcast because I will.
Bartnick calls him Mr. Maxim.
Because everything that he likes, it's like, it's, he likes what everybody
likes.
But then he's got this simplistic fucking great philosophy where he'll be like,
Bill, but Bill, what's wrong?
What's wrong with sweatpants?
You know, and you can't argue with them.
Yeah, there's nothing wrong with it.
It's just, you know, the conversation is just like, it just doesn't need to be,
most of the conversation just doesn't even need to be had.
Dude, is there anything better than just walking around in sweatpants?
Dude, you put on a pair of sweatpants with some Jordan 3s?
Over.
Over.
Dude, what is better than having on a hoodie and a pair of Kobe 11s?
You go to a massage parlor and she's jerking your dick.
I mean, am I crazy?
It's over.
It's a joke.
It's a, literally, it's a joke.
All right, I'm sorry.
Fuck all you sneakerheads out there.
God bless you with your little fucking hobby.
You're keeping your sneakers clean and, you know, fucking walking on your heels
anytime there's any sort of rubbish on the ground.
Grown fucking men just walking like a goddamn duck on their heels.
Hey, buddy, what the fuck are you doing?
Ah, I got on the sevens.
What is it, the first day of school?
Dude, you know what I love?
You know what I love?
Is there anything better than when it snows on Christmas?
That's the type of shit he says.
It's like, no, yeah, that's great, Paul.
I think everybody's pretty much in agreement.
I even think Jewish people like if it snows on Christmas.
You know what I mean?
It probably adds to their Chinese food.
I don't like, who the fuck doesn't like a fresh blanket of snow?
As long as it isn't a goddamn storm.
Dude, you know what, I like amenities.
Is there anything better than taking a steam?
No, I mean, you know, that's also, that is a great thing that everyone is in
agreement with.
You know what I like, dude?
I like fresh air.
Is there anything better than, like, non-polluted air when you breathe in?
I mean, it's crazy.
It's literally, it's a joke.
Jesus, I went on a fucking tangent there.
Oh, my God, if I have a second, I thought the recorder wasn't recording.
I forgot my fucking microphone, so this might sound a little bad.
Dude, is there anything better than just laying in your bed and just waking up
and doing your podcast?
I mean, it's a joke.
It's literally, it's a joke.
You know, I have to look up these fucking sneakers.
How the fuck Kobe Bryant, one of the greatest fucking top, what, two, three
players of all time, individual players.
Teammate, he was a fucking nightmare.
You wait until that fucking confessional comes up.
Let me sit there.
Put in my password here.
Stupid Laker fans always chant MVP at the guy.
I hate that Celtic fans are chanting MVP at Isaiah Thomas, by the way.
It reminds me of Laker fans that were always, every time fucking Kobe stepped
on the court
and did not pass the ball and scored 40 fucking points and they lose again.
And they, MVP.
Did you see him dunk on that guy and then they lost?
Oh, my God.
He's u