Name: Bill Burr - Losing It In Traffic
Uploaded: 2017-03-20T15:11:35.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Losing It In Traffic' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-03-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Losing It In Traffic' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-03-20. Transcript available.

I keep my truck in storage now because we got the little one and it's just
easier for my wife to get in and out of the garage and I knew if I kept my
truck there and she always had to squeeze by it and try and get the fucking stroller
and all that shit you know what's going to happen eventually she's going to be
like I don't know what do we need three cars for and eventually she's going to
make me sell it so I did a preemptive strike and I immediately put it in
fucking storage before she could bitch about it so I had it over the last
fucking like five days loving so I just switch out
all right I put Jackie in storage and I take out the old girl right and I drove
her for like five fucking days and of course the battery died because I forgot
to unhook the uh the terminals there had to get a jump down at the comedy store
um and uh anyway so I'm going to return the car today and it's the day before I
go on the road so we have a rule in my house in my house there is a rule
um that basically the day before I go on the road I it's family day I hang out
you know I make breakfast I made some fucking meatballs I cook the goddamn
chicken I make sure she's got food in the fridge you know I'm a hell of a guy
so I make sure she's gonna be all right right so I go all right I gotta return
my truck she's like when are you gonna be back I'm like I'm gonna be back soon
all right so I get in the truck and I do what I always do I drive down the I
gotta move fucking you know I gotta move her car I become like a valet because
I have the shittiest driveway ever right
so I'm fucking driving up the street and as always big stupid grin on my face
it's my favorite thing ever it's three on the tree it's so much fun to drive
and whenever I get a little bit of space out here I just get to fucking run
through all three gears that's all I want to do
every time I do I get right and when the second I get it into third gear I
always have the window down
even though I put some AC in there I never fucking you I didn't use it for so
long I turned it on all this
white shit came out and I breathed it in and probably took like fucking nine
years off my life
um anytime I get it up into third gear and I'm cruising down the street I
always do the same thing I always go
every time I never did that once in nine years owning my prius ever it's just
it's the greatest sound
in the fucking world it's the sound of a big fucking American engine making it
right running through the
fucking gears loud pipes it's the greatest fucking sound ever and every time I
get through
I go up the street right so I'm having a great time you know I'm driving down
the street
I got the AM radio on I usually listen to Keyshawn Johnson's fucking sports
show but you know it's the
weekend so it wasn't on and anyways I get on to um you know I get on to the
fucking highway and of course
I'm cruising along and right before we get to I get to my exit it is just like
this traffic from fucking
it's like five in the afternoon traffic of a fucking truck jackknife
it is just of course my exit and I told the people I'd be over there by noon
so I'm starting to feel stressed I'm like what the fuck is going on so I try to
make a fucking you know
a Boston move here right even though I'm from the suburbs
a Massachusetts move I'm gonna go around all this shit act like I'm gonna drive
by and then I'm gonna fucking cut in
and I don't know what the fuck was going on I couldn't see any any accident so
I'm trying to
go from one highway to another so I know what I'll do I'll just fucking rather
than go east like I want
to I'll just get on the west side I'll take the highway west go down one exit
and then I'll curl
back around because I can see on the overpass there's no fucking traffic
I don't know whether it was like this offshoot to the on-ramp right that
everyone was going down
like I don't know what the like Paul Simon was doing like a free concert or
some shit that was the level
of of of uh traffic so I say fuck it I get out of the traffic I drive down get
it up to third gear
right I fucking go to go west to turn one fucking block you know one exit up
and then come back
around and as I fucking go there all of a sudden this is all this other traffic
going the other
direction and I and this is the first time since I started meditating that I
had an absolute meltdown
I literally screamed as loud as I possibly could fuck you LA
every fucking cock sucking motherfucking cunt fucking every word you could
possibly think
you know and then I'm fucking just stuck in even worse traffic going the other
way
to go one fucking exit you know up to come back around and all I'm thinking is
where the fuck I
would be if I just just took the pain to begin with and just stayed in that
traffic jam I'd be
creeping forward and whatever why didn't I just call the place and say I was
going to be a little late
oh you know what Bill because that would have been the chill thing to do right
I didn't
so it turns out I look up I'm like what the this is like it's Saturday at noon
how is there five o'clock in the afternoon on Friday traffic I am like
literally beside myself
just saying every curse I possibly can and I look up and there's two little
flashes going on and it's
tow truck flashers right and I'm like oh here we go hey this is all rubbernecking
and on the other
side of the road it's fucking going you know like gangbusters everybody's
cruising by that's where I
want to be it's right fucking there right and I can't get to it so I'm like you
fucking fucking
rubbernecking piece this what's something we changing a tire it's going to be a
fender bender and I'm
losing my shit now damn if I was a fucking dictator I would deliberately have a
car on the side of the
road changing a tire who never slowed down and looked at it would be eliminated
would be removed from
society fed to the fucking pigs whatever the hell is whatever that fat fucking
North Korea does to
his goddamn relatives feeds them to dogs that's what I would do I was actually
I was so fucking mad
I was like you know that fat fucking North Korea he's actually making sense to
me you know so I get
all the way up I should be careful man he might send somebody over here to mist
me um like he did to
his other you know he set up those two fucking whores over there right to take
out his fucking
stepbrother um so anyways I get all the way up to uh the traffic jam and of
course it's a little
fender bender there's people standing there there's nothing going on but I'm
finally going to get past
it finally going to get off the exit come around and fucking run through the
gears and fucking go down
the other side and what do I see on the other side of the road where it was all
nice and clear now
there's major traffic because the dumb cunts on the other side of the highway
are slowing down to look at
the shit on my side of the highway so now I got to sit through it fucking twice
and something told me
don't get off at the first exit bill everybody has this idea go to the second
exit and you know and
then come back and guess what I did I ignored that instinct got off the first
one bump on the boom
fucking dead stop traffic and the only way to get back on the highway is I got
to make this illegal
u-turn and I don't give a fuck I'm making it and I'm just sitting there cock
sucking motherfucking
dictator fucking cut all their fucking heads off and I'm getting ready to make
my illegal u-turn and I
just happen to look at my rear view mirror and guess what's two cars behind me
a fucking cop
I'm like what are the fucking odds now I got to go straight said fuck this so I
get in the right lane
and I just cruise up and I get out of his sight I finally fucking turn around I
got I finally got into
a good lane and I came back and then I got back into under traffic again looked
at the same people
looking at the same accident there was nothing going on and then I fucking
finally was able to continue
on and of course I made the call there was no problem nobody gave a shit nobody
yelled at me it was
fine I completely lost my shit and I got so fucking mad that when I saw the
people on the other side of
the road rubbernecking I gave them the finger and I was all the way to the
right getting off the
highway and I gave all of them I mean it like do you realize how immature that
is
I mean I was just like have you ever been embarrassed about yourself by
yourself like I
actually hit that level because like I stuck my whole fucking arm out the
window giving him the
finger the person behind me could see it be like who's this guy giving the
finger to
you know I'm basically saying it wasn't one of my best moments