Name: Bill Burr - Girlfriend Says I'm Stagnant
Uploaded: 2017-04-04T16:49:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Girlfriend Says I'm Stagnant' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-04-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Girlfriend Says I'm Stagnant' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-04-04. Transcript available.

Girlfriend says I'm stagnant. Oh, Jesus. Oh, dude, that's a major red flag.
Hey, Bill, you Tiny Tim looking red nose peckerhead.
Okay. Who is Tiny Tim again?
Oh, Tiny Tim's that ugly motherfucker with the ukulele. Jesus Christ.
Wow. He looks like if somebody beat the shit out of George Washington.
Thank you. Wow, that one really hurt.
Anyways, maybe I'll pull a Michael Jackson, get a cleft in my chin.
Love you. Love your podcast. But you wrote you love your podcast, even though I
never get any advice.
Will you give me some? I have. Oh, this is somebody who's not going to use any
punctuation.
This is all one sentence. Loved you.
Oh, maybe this person's foreign. Loved you podcast, even though I never get any
advice.
Will you give me some advice? Will you give me some?
I have this girlfriend I really like. That's all one sentence.
We work together at the local restaurant.
I was fine until I was fine until I got fired.
Then I got into a fight with my girlfriend's sister's boyfriend.
Got that? No, I don't.
All right. I mean, let me try to break this down here.
All right.
You have this girlfriend you really like.
We work together at the local restaurant.
I guess everything was cool.
And then you got fired and then you got into a fight with her.
With her.
Her sister.
Her sister's boyfriend.
OK, so your girlfriend at work, you got into a fight with her sister's
boyfriend and then you got fired from the TGI Fridays, whatever the fuck you
did.
All right. I'm back on board.
Then I got a D.W.A.I.
Driving while alcohol influenced.
I don't know. I don't know.
I know what the fuck's going on here.
I and I feel like a complete loser and sometimes it gets me depressed.
Also, I still give her rides to work, which she tells me means nothing and also
says she loves me, but has been getting meaner every day.
I don't get a job.
All right. Well, OK.
Well, in defense of her, you have to understand what the woman that if you're
not bringing in money,
you just literally have you're like a 40 year old teenager at that point.
You're just like a big kid.
She has to deal with, you know, and women, they're all feminists until they
have to start paying for everything.
You know what I mean?
Like what's fucked up with sexism and all that and that guys have better paying
jobs.
Evidently, I have no idea.
I've never asked people what the fuck they make, but let's just say what they're
saying is true.
What's fucked up is is it now created this thing where women can date and like
you're always, for the most part, dating up.
You know, if you're if you have reasonable fucking looks, OK, and you had a
reasonably good childhood and for whatever, you're not migrating towards
fucking losers.
All right. You can actually always be in a situation where getting married is a
good thing because the other person makes more money than you.
So even if the whole fucking thing falls apart, you're going to get the house.
You're going to get the child support.
You're going to get the alimony.
Right. Only lately are we finally starting to see women having to do that.
And it's fucking like they freak the fuck out.
Like what?
Right. A woman paid alimony was if like I all of a sudden got my period and
like, wait, I got to do this now.
What the fuck? Right.
Anyway, so anyway, so let me get back to the fucking thing here.
I keep I keep going on tangents here.
I need to stay focused.
So, OK, so you got a DUI.
Right. And she still gives me your shit.
OK, so now you're not making any money.
So, you know.
And you're all depressed and you don't have a car.
So I'm guessing you're not really looking for a fucking job or maybe she's just
mean as shit.
I don't know.
Anyways, he said, I've never had trouble getting work when I needed it.
But now I feel like a lazy piece of shit.
My girlfriend called me stagnant, stagnant and told me she's worried.
She said tonight she would see me later, then changed it to or talk to you
later and trailed off muttering some inaudible bullshit.
I need to pay my rent tomorrow.
And I'm basically broke as fuck.
I gave her a key to my place and she agreed to pay half the rent.
But I feel like I'm twisting her arm to do it.
Yeah, dude, what are you doing?
I feel stagnant, too, and depressed, and she makes it hard to think sometimes.
So I secretly bought a train ticket to California.
So I secretly bought a train ticket to California from New York that leaves in
two weeks.
I'm debating whether to stay here, keep looking for a job in a dead economy.
Try and work things out with my girl.
I'm sorry, guys.
Like, this is not me here.
This is how this is written.
And face the music by paying thousands of fines and traffic tickets while I'm
broke as fuck.
Or go with a couple of hippie friends, hike through, through, like he threw a
ball, the state of California while stopping to work on woofing farms in
between journeys.
Is this like Jack Kerouac shit?
I don't know.
I'm starting to think this isn't real.
To stay or to go?
I don't know.
But if she calls me stagnant again, I'll be out and over the horizon.
I feel bad and I don't know what the fuck to do.
So any advice is appreciated.
Thanks.
And go fuck yourself.
Yeah.
First of all.
All right.
Let's just eliminate the woman from all of this.
Okay.
You need to pay your traffic tickets, dude.
If you think you're just going to walk away from that, you're going to end up
doing jail time.
A buddy of mine did that.
Okay.
And they put them in county, which you don't want to be in because that's all
different levels of fucking people.
At least in L.A.
That's like rapist lunatics, like their own kid on fire, right down to, yeah, I
had a bunch of traffic tickets and it got to such a, well, my traffic ticket,
he didn't have a traffic ticket.
He had a DUI and he didn't show up to court.
Maybe he won't go to jail.
I don't know.
But it's going to be a fucking nightmare.
And this could be hanging over your head.
And then you're going to have to try to work under the table, which is going to
cause you not to fucking pay taxes.
It's going to be a nightmare.
So, um, I don't know.
I would, uh, I would reach out for help is what I would do.
And it doesn't sound like your girlfriend wants to do it anymore.
You haven't told me how long you've been unemployed, but it sounds like she's
at the brink of being fed up with you.
But, uh, you did get into a fight.
You did get fired.
You did drink and drive.
So you're making a bunch of bad moves and it's not her fault that she's trying
to envision a future with you.
And all she's seeing is that she's going to work while you're boozing it up and
she has to support you.
And I'm going to go out on a limb here.
I don't like speaking for the ladies, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say,
I don't think a lot of women are looking for that in the future.
So I would man up.
You need to man the fuck up and realize that you are stagnant.
You need to get your shit together.
All right.
I don't know what you have to do to find a fucking job.
That's a difficult thing.
But, um, I don't know.
Can you ask your parents for some help?
Maybe you fucking leave your apartment, move back in with your parents while
you get through this.
You bottom the fuck out.
You sober up.
You start working out with the old weights you left in your parents' garage.
You find a fucking job.
All right.
Get on a payment plan with your fucking tickets and all of that shit.
Get all of that off the table.
Maybe even break up with your girlfriend.
Get your shit together.
Create a whole new fucking you.
And maybe you get a new girlfriend that's beyond the level of this one here
that was working at the fucking restaurant or whatever the hell you were at.
All right.
But just know this.
You sound like you're still young.
You got your whole life ahead of you.
And, you know, what you're doing is you're giving into your situation rather
than fucking picking yourself up off the mat.
All right.
So get up off the floor.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
All right.
You have all the power in the world to turn that thing around.
All right.
And that's it.
Get a job.
Pay off your tickets.
And, you know, see what happens with that woman.
You know, maybe she's not the one.
Maybe she is.
Who knows?
Who gives a fuck?
But work on your life.
Work on yourself.
There you go.
All right.